Am i a failure??

I feel that way about one of my doctors. She keeps her distance and like you said she seems to forget we are humans. I wonder if that is a protective mechanism that some doctors use to handle all of the incredibly sad stories they hear with their patients. I imagine getting more involved and really relating to us would make them somewhat vulnerable. I imagine she behaves this way because she's afraid of what might happen to her if she connected on a deeper level.

No problem Brienne. We all have each other here at PC to compare and to get advice from each other. Sometimes seeing things from someone like yourself with the same ailments is very beneficial. I have found a huge amount of knowledge and support here. At first it was really weird, but that passed quickly once I found things and people that connected with me.

I am a firm believer in that people who do not have the same illness as us, is able to comprehend the severity of what we go thru on a minute by minute basis. It is impossible for them to really "get it". Baby steps are all I have sometimes to get me thru the windfall of crap that this disease brings with it.

I understand what you mean about winning the game of life and looking back on your past self. It can be very defeating to do that, then again it can be helpful too. You just have to remember, you are here now and that's what matters. Keep your head up. Things will change.

A certain amount of darkness is necessary in order to see the stars.

Brienne, eres muy impresionante por lo que has hecho. De un punto de vista tienes éxito. De verdad, pienso que debes estar orgullosa de ti misma.

Saludos, y bienvenida a Psych Central.

Some quotes about success and failure that I like are as follows. When you read them, please try to ignore who said them. Try to think about them for yourself and for all of us here.

"Success is not final; failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill

"Try not to become a man of success. Rather become a man of value." - Albert Einstein

"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

"Success isn't just about what you accomplish in your life; it's about what you inspire others to do." - Unknown

"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember--the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you." - Zig Ziglar

“Much in life is simply a matter of perspective. It's not inherently good or bad, a success or failure; it's how we choose to look at things that makes the difference.” - David Niven

I think you’ve done really well. Comparing yourself to others, or your expectations, won’t accomplish anything and can make you feel worse.

Brienne, I had the same troubles when studying to become an accountant. For my first 5 classes, I was either hypomanic or stable. In 1982, I had the highest mark in my province for Economics and won a medal.
In 1984 we moved 300 away miles from home. I fell into a depression and could no longer study. I took calculus twice and didn't even try to write the exam because I knew I'd fail. My brain fog was so bad that I couldn't understand it at all. (My final mark in grade 12 algebra was 97%, so my intelligence wasn't the problem.) It was depression. It was 3 more years until my depression was diagnosed, but I had quit my accounting classes by then and didn't go back. My career would have been a lot different if I'd continued once I was happy again. I could have made twice what I did as an accounting clerk. I was turned down for many jobs because of my lack of a diploma, even though I had extensive experience.
The imipramine I was given in 1987 made me hyperthymic, sometimes to the point of hypomania. I should have gone back to my studies, but I had 2 small kids, a full time job, and a husband who traveled for work. Bad excuses, I know. Other people do it.
Keep the faith. You can prevail. Give your moods time to adjust. Take time off from your studies if you can and then go back.
I have deep regrets about quitting my accounting classes. Do only what you can, and do your best. My best in 1984 was depression and brain fog. I hope you can overcome your issues, not like me.

I deal with this all the time. One of the things I try to remember is not to compare me now with me before I was sick. They are two completely different people. Did I have lots of diplomas from all the right places and a fun, stimulating business? Yes, I was very fortunate. But I was healthy then. It was easy. It is totally unfair to compare that person then to me, today. Then, my goal might have been to launch a cool, new product I helped develop in China, say. Now, today, my goal is to make it to bedtime. It doesn't sound like a lot, but for me, depending on how this day goes, it could be brutal. I might barely make it. I might not--who knows? We'll just have to see.

It is unfair for us to compare ourselves to those who do not suffer from these illnesses. They don't hear voices, or think the CIA is rapelling down from a chopper around the corner, or think they're God, or the president. They don't deal with depression so crushing there seems no possible way out. 'Normal' people live in a different universe. I choose to stay in mine, where my goals and achievements are recognized and appreciated by others just like me. So. give yourself a break. You're doing great.

It doesnt sound like you didnt overcome your issues to me. I mean, you have 2 kids and a husband. I know, its not a diploma, but its a huge deal. Im too coward to have kids, and also too emotonally inastable to have a permanent partner. It sounds like at least you made it trough to form a family, and thats a lot if you ask me.
Im gonna try to keep going in my studies. Sadly im too "old". I mean, not really old, but im 30 and in my country its almost impossible to compatibilice studies and work (unless you enroll in a low quality university).
Thank you for your words, i send you a virtual hug from here.

I never felt so understood like now. All the comments including this have make me feel so much better. I mean, its still hard to "forgive yourself" when you have lived all your life based on what others think of you. Particularly with this kind of disease that not many people understand. But at least all this comments give me hope and some kind of peace.
Its so hard to remember what i was 10 or 20 years ago. It hurts. But you are right, its not fair, its pointless. Im gonna try to change that kind of thoughts.
Thank you so much for your words.