[Victoria'smom]

Please be gentle.

My psychosis (my heads not as loud and the bugs don’t bother me as much. I still feel someone is watching me.) getting better but my mood / anxiety sucks. I’m on the verge of crying or crying all the time. Everyone asks "How are you?" to start conversations and I always answer good. I can even fool them when I’m fully psychotic. So does H. Everyone would be shocked how we really deal with life.Our T’s aren’t really aware. I’m a good parent but I can’t do some basic things. Whether is stress, paranoia, or CP that causes it doesn’t matter.. But really I just want to disappear. I know I’m depressed and in reality I do have value but this is all too much right now. H feels horrible because I’ve never been like this not this bad. He wants me to call pdoc Monday but I’m hesitant, I’m not suicidal, I saw her like 2 weeks ago. I meet new T on Wednesday I feel this is more a T issue than a pdoc issue. Pdoc did make me promise to call if things got worse but things have kinda, not really, gotten better. I’m worried my son will notice soon. I just want to be independent and working. H thinks he’s made me this way. I feel I trapped him.

[saucygirl31]

maybe u could explain to him that he didn't trap u and this feelings are not gunna be forever.

in high school and college i used to tell my parents im "good", merely. like u. but as i got older and they came to terms w my diagnosis i began to be more honest and i find that they give me my space when i say im doing bad and are happy for me when i say im doing good.

i always used to hide my feelings but honestly when u share them ppl might give u what ur looking for. space, especially, is what i like. u know.. just F off right now im going through something. lol.

i hope you feel better. this is not forever.

[TunedOut]

Listen to your H. Our partners and doctors sometimes see things we don't immediately see--especially if we open up about what is going on. Call your PDoc Monday. You can do this!

[Wild Coyote]

Hi MM! I hope you are having a better day today.

I doubt yu have trapped your H. He is with you, and you are with him, because you'd wanted to share a life together. Thinking you've trapped him is like him thinking he has trapped you. do you feel trapped?

I agree with TunedOut. Often, our family members can see when we are struggling and need help. It is important in a marriage to negotiate just how this will be handled, so nobody is getting too frustrated with the other, and so that both are living life to the optimal level of heath, on all levels. (Psychiatric, physically, spiritually, etc.)

I have, at least once, given in and have called my pdoc so that my loved one would stop worrying.

If you cannot make the call for yourself, then make it for your loved ones.
I hope today is a better day!

[Victoria'smom]

I haven't answered until now because I was to sensitive to even re-read this, even with my edits.

i used to tell my parents im "good", merely. like u. but as i got older and they came to terms w my diagnosis i began to be more honest and i find that they give me my space when i say im doing bad and are happy for me when i say im doing good.

I don't need everyone to worry about me. They almost flew down here when I posted a fundraiser for the suicide hotline because it was my birthday.

I didn't call yesterday and I'm not a mess today. She won't be in the office again until next Monday. If I stay the way I am right now it will suck but I can wait.

do you feel trapped? Sometimes when I'm manic I do. Sometimes I feel like I'm treated like a child but generally no.

[saucygirl31]

yeah i know u dont need ppl to worry thats why i said i like when ppl give me my space.

hopefully they do too, sometime.

[Victoria'smom]

Seeing the therapist was a bust

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you feel this way.

I have had a few pdocs/tdocs in my lifetime, 4 to be exact. I was fortunate enough to have 4 that were pdocs and were also my tdoc.
With 3 of 4, I was sure, very sure, that we would never get along, would never connect, etc. This continued for 6-8 meetings. In each case, I had gotten over my pre-judgement and was able to see that each was truly outstanding and we were doing some good work together. I had continued one with each one for quite some time and was very saddened to lose them later on. One of the pdocs I was sure I could not work with turned out to be my favorite and we ended up working together for 20 years!

So we never know how things will go based upon our first meeting.

One thing I have learned is that if a pdoc/tdoc says something with which I disagree, I do say so. I think it is important. Sharing and being honest about things is the best way, the healthiest way to build a relationship with anyone. It is safe, I hope, to practice our relationship skills with our pdocs/tdocs. That said, we are apt to make the same relationship mistakes we make in everyday life with our pdocs/tdocs. Therapy is a place to recognize our patterns and to work on getting as healthy as possible.

I don't mean to devalue your experience, MM. I can relate. I had come out of pdoc and tdoc offices many times convinced the relationship was futile even before we had really gotten to know one another more. I then recalled that I do not like it or think it is fair if someone pre-judges me. Thus, I had to recognize that I had to offer them the same courtesy.

I know you have had a tough time with therapists. I am sorry this is the case. I hope this will be a much healthier relationship for you!

[*Beth*]

I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time right now, MM. I do want to share an experience. I'm definitely not doubting your experience, it's just that sometimes things can turn around.

When I met my current T about a year ago I didn't feel any attachment to her, at all. I was thinking about how awkward I felt...how was i going to tell her that I didn't really want to continue seeing her?

At the same time, I was in a severe mixed state that was heading like a locomotive into a bad depression. Time went on...I still didn't especially care for my T. I did find, however, that it was a breeze for me to be extremely honest with her. Hmm...she might be stronger and more capable than I had thought she was....

I hung with it and ended up deeply bonded to my T. I'm so relieved that I didn't leave as I had thought I would.

So what I'm saying is, can you give your new T another chance - or even a month or 6 weeks? Since you're in a bad place right now, your perceptions might not be so great.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm going to give her a chance. I have no other options. Plus I never cancel a session so as long as I have an appointment I will show up. I'm going to try and change my last appointment to a week before instead of two weeks. If I can get her to trust that I can stay safe between appointments we have a chance.

[fern46]

I'm sorry you didn't feel a connection initially. Some of the things she said would have been red flags for me as well.

I can see though that it might be difficult for her to trust you to stay safe. You've had some pretty serious symptoms for a while that require ntervention for most patients. I know you live and survive under those conditions, but I don't think she is out of bounds to be concerned. It may take her a while to get a sense of how much you tolerate safely normally. Keep in mind though it may be her position that she's not just looking to keep you safe and tolerating this way of life where you're constantly swimming upstream. She might be aiming to see you healthy and to see you thrive. Assuming that is the case, she's working with a different standard and convincing her to be comfortable with you being in your current state wouldn't be all that helpful. I get that you're used to it, but I personally would love to see you thrive. You have such a great spirit MM. Don't forget that. Good luck with this. I'm hopeful it can work out despite the bumpy start.