Something's wrong

Thanks, WC

I'll contact the pharmacist to ask about Benadryl and melatonin. The pharmacist is a really nice lady.

I cancelled my appt for Thursday, though. The lady stops checking voicemails at 2pm and I know she's not going to call me back because it's almost 12:45pm, so I just cancelled the appt and said I'm going to take some Benadryl and/or melatonin. Plus, I have a meeting w/ my boss on Thurs that I can't afford to miss, so I can't really make the Thurs appt anyways.

I know my pdoc and that lady don't care about me anyways. Plus, the lady was nasty to me the last time I talked with her!

I had to wait 6 months to see this pdoc. I was without a pdoc for a long time. I didn't even pick him as a pdoc; I asked the therapy office to hook me up with a pdoc after mine left, so it was technically an internal referral. My old pdoc actually said I was "psychotic" and told me that he called my new pdoc to make room for me. But I guess my current pdoc didn't give a f_ck because he never saw me once during that 6 month wait, nor would he talk to me during after hours calls.

So yep, they really don't give a f_ck about me. I don't expect anything less from them, though. They have never showed they cared. So I think it's pointless to complain to my pdoc about her, because they're both the same IMO.

And no, I'm not getting any work done. It sucks.

Can you make appointments with other pdocs? I know it takes a while to get in. Do you have a psych urgent care that can help if things get worse?

Yes, I can make an appt with another pdoc. My therapist had to facilitate that when my current pdoc wouldn't see me during that 6 month wait. However, she had to push for it herself. I couldn't make that request myself (believe me, I tried).

And no, I do not have a psych urgent care center nearby. There are a bunch of hospitals with psych units, but none of them have psych urgent care. You're pretty much stuck with IP or regular pdoc appt. No in between as far as I'm aware. I think there is an IOP program, but they are like 40 mins away and I don't think I need IOP.

Yes! You are right on. Many of the psych emergency centers have been closed in your state. There used to be "rapid tranquilization" centers for awhile, too.
Those centers had existed to immediately medicate people in severe flare -ups of illness. They were managed by doctors and nurses and were meant to avoid hospitalization. Patients would stay approx 12-72 hours. If they'd improved, they were discharged If not, they were then transferred to a hospital. These were "test" programs. They did not survive due to overall costs and there was not enough advocacy for mental health at the time or both federal and state funding might have been increased to help further develop this concept of avoiding hospitalizations. This was also a cheaper option for insurance companies, too. Many benefited from this approach. Not enough money to keep it going.

I am concerned about you, of course.
Practice some self-care! Eat,drink, rest, etc.
I hope you will stay in touch!
We are here for you, Blue!!!

I just got a call back from my pdoc's useless "assistant." I'm shocked she even called me back.

She said to take Benadryl and to talk to my therapist about why I can't sleep. She said my symptoms of restlessness, not sleeping, the energy forcefield, pacing, etc. were just anxiety.

I do think some of your symptoms provoke anxiety, secondary to your psychotic and/or hypomanic symptoms/experiences.

I disagree with her. Some of your symptoms are hypomania, in my very humble opinion. I write this because you also have told me you feel you might be hypomanic. I think this person who takes the calls and diagnoses you is doing a gross disservice. I am sorry, Blue. It must feel horrible to have her finally call and then to immediately dismiss your concerns.

No wonder you feel it's futile to call your pdoc.

Can you contact your therapist if you feel you need to do so?

We are here for you!

Well that just sucks. She missed the boat completely Bluebicycle. I'm no expert, but it really doesn't sound like anxiety to me. Given everything you've said it sounds more like Hypomania with a touch of psychosis. I know many don't like the P word, but I'm not sure what else to say. I hope the benadryl helps. Benadryl works in the brain similarly to an antipsychotic actually.

You seem more like you have energy to burn and racing thoughts than nervousness and worry. I feel like she should have done more to help you. I wish that Thursday appointment was an option, although I know you feel like the doctor is equally useless.

Keep checking in. You're doing so many great things for yourself by staying home and attempting to get the help you need from professionals. I wish it had worked out that they actually helped.

Thanks fern and WC.

I am starting to feel like I don't belong to this reality. I am trying to fight off the feelings that say I am not a part of this world, but the more and more I think of it, the more I feel like I don't belong.

I don't feel right. I am having difficulties telling what is part of reality and what is not. Like, "is my hand a hand? Or is it a hologram?"

Maybe I should take some Benadryl to knock myself out. F*** work.

Please call your therapist, who is able to help facilitate contact with your pdoc. Please call her again now,

I can't call her because she is out of the office. Her last appt is at 1:30pm everyday except Thursdays, which I think she ends at 10am.

The only thing I can do is talk to the therapist on call, and I have no clue who that is going to be. Also, the after hours service sucks because no matter what I say to the answering service, it is never considered an "emergency," and thus I can't talk to anyone.

blue, based upon what you've posted on this thread you are experiencing an emergency state!!

I'll be blunt. Driving at the speeds you've mentioned is not only horribly dangerous, it is indicative of mania. Like MAJOR mania.

You need psych help. Get somebody to listen to you. I've found that when I am really serious about needing help I say so - I start with, "I need help, please!"

Call someone. Call them all. Beat on the door until someone opens it. And keep us posted.

Blue, I agree with BethRags!

Call and tell the answering service: I need help NOW!!!

If they say anything that sounds like they are creating an obstacle, simply repeat yourself again and again!

We care and are here for you!

I think I'm just going to call in sick to work tomorrow. F*** work.

I'm about to call the after hours service. Wish me luck... and hopefully they don't refuse me.

good luck blue! keep us posted.

I experienced feelings exactly like that. I remember what it was like. You are a part of this reality though. You do belong. However, your mind is playing very serious tricks on you and you need some help. This kind of thinking spiraled way out of control for me very quickly.

I'm not exactly what the right steps are to take here. If it were me, I'd be checking myself in IP because this kind of thinking led to very dark places when it happened to me.

I did spend a lot of time looking for patterns when I got better. My experiences felt so unique and I wanted to help myself understand them better. I have now experienced a couple of people in IP in psychosis as well as a few people here feeling the same way. We have all experienced derealization. It is a pattern of psychosis. Try to keep fighting. YOU ARE A PART OF THIS REALITY.

Good luck. I'm sending good thoughts that someone listens. If they tell you something that doesn't resonate tell them it doesn't sound right and go over your symptoms again. This is not anxiety to be controlled with benadryl. It is more serious than that. I agree with Beth. Make them listen. You're being very brave. I am inspired by your strength.

I am so sorry that you just can’t get anywhere with your treatment team. Since they are just so unreachable maybe once things get stable again you can look into finding a better team??

I real do fear for your state of mind, you have a lot going on at once and of course sleep is imperative to us staying stable. Does benedryl help you sleep ? Can you mange any side effects, if you have any ? Does it make you sluggish the next day?

Please please if things get worse would you consider going to the ER ? It would give you an out for work tomorrow as most employers are understanding and you could get a medical note for a couple days to cover time off.

If you do go in I fear greatly about your ability to drive safely. Driving so fast I’m sure was an adrenaline rush but it can lead to horrific consequences on many levels. If you must go into work could one of your parents possibly drive you?

I’m always here if you need a shoulder or ear.

Please stay safe

Hi blue! it's been awhile now. Am wondering how it is going?

I hope all is well?

Sorry. I was so drowsy that I doze off. I meant to take a 1 hr nap before calling because I knew I'd fall asleep if I talked to someone, having stayed up for nearly 2 days straight. But all I could manage was 2 hrs... ugh

And yes, I think you are right, Christina, that I may need another pdoc. I do not know why this guy doesn't care.

I don't know if I could go to the ER. I don't know what they could even do for me.

I'm not going into work tomorrow anymore. Everything around me feels weird and unusual... Unfamiliar. I feel like I am a hologram.

And thanks, fern, for your words of encouragement.

The Er would be able to help you with your inability to sleep, many medications they could give you.

I have gone a few times in the past because I had gone 4-5 days with virtually no sleep and all meds I had weren’t helping. I know one time an Er doctor realized how desperate I was for sleep and gave me a dose of morphine as my benzo had no effect on my being frantic and twitchy from no sleep and a larger dose IV of Ativan “ I think” there is a benzo called Halcion and it will knock you flat out, it’s not prescribed often although my Pdoc has me on it fir a couple years at one point.

Of course my husband was with me, no way I would have been safe to drive there and legally they can’t give you those meds knowing id need to drive.

Could your parents help you if you just can’t function any longer with no sleep ? Maybe stay with them for a few days ? I know it’s helped you in past to not be alone.

I so hope your able to sleep tonight and it be a deep restorative sleep