Would you resent your spouse?

So my pdoc and T want me to go part time, quit all together or find a new job but still try to be part time. I had a talk with my wife about it last night and she is against it. The only thing she was for was getting a new job but stay full time. On top of my crippling anxiety and depression I have ulcers from this job. She always knew I wanted to retire early with my stretch goal of 40 and a realistic goal of 50. Well some how the stretch goal became a reality and she is not happy about it because we need her to work 8 more years so she can retire and us have medical insurance.

I told her that I wanted to volunteer with NAMI or the like. So she wants me to do it now to see if I like it but I don’t have the time while I am working. It is a catch 22. She also mentioned me going back to school but that is not going to happen. How can I try to convince her this is for the best? She knows I have been looking for 2 years for a new job. The truth is she is envious that I might stop working before her even though I am younger. But honestly I have been financially supporting the household more even after she started making more money than me. I have to find a way to convince her. I jokingly asked her if a drs note would do.

Hi Crook. I feel reluctant to say whether or not you should resent your spouse or even vice versa. First, that would be wrong for a relative stranger like me to say. Second, I don't know your full situation, and even if I did, it wouldn't be any of my business. What I will say is that you probably (or certainly) should get your wife to join you in therapy. If you (or she) think that your therapist is too one-sided, then perhaps a different therapist, just for couples, would be in order.

If you plan to spend some time not working, you might consider applying for SSDI, if your pdoc/tdoc would support that. Monthly payments are obviously not comparable to full-time work, but they help pay bills. You paid into the system all of these years, that's what it's there for. Then, if you want to and are fully able to work part-time again, there are ways to maintain the SSDI during a trial part-time work period. Something to consider. Without my SSDI, my husband and I would never have been able to remain where we are. Actually, my dear hubby has had to take on extra consulting work beyond his day job to make ends meet. He does not resent me for having to do that. I absolutely appreciate him for his loving understanding of my situation. I do try to do as much as I'm able to make his life easier, while at home.

I am now volunteering for NAMI a couple hours per week, plus plan to help them with little other things when needed. I am excited about it. I don't know what the offerings are at your local NAMI, but mine offers a Family to Family program (a free 12-session educational program for family members offered seasonally), as well as Intensive Family Support Services with social workers that can talk to family members about the issues of their loved one's mental illness. Perhaps that might interest you and/or your wife. Of course they also offer Connection support groups for people with mental illness, like you and me.

My husband has never expressed resentment towards me for being on disability. I do know that these years have been hard for him, though. I try to do as much as I can to make them easier, despite my disability. He wants to move back to Europe to have a better retirement. Deep down I'd rather stay in my home state in the US. I will make the move, because it makes sense and I want him to retire sooner than later. You know that it's a give and take in marriage, with sometimes being more "give" and other times more "take".

I know this sounds weird and I'm sorry but are you being honest with her about how you are doing day to day? I hide my day to day stuff. I'm trying not to but it makes it harder for other to understand. Can you sit down and go over your budget? can you downsize and retire early?

Things have been better in terms that my meds have been steady and I am now seeing my pdoc every 3 weeks rather than every week. I had been seeing him weekly for like 5 years now. The problem is the stress from the job. So it is either go part time or leave altogether. Both are scary prospects. According to our finance guy we can survive if I quit especially since we took the kids out of private school. When I made the goal of retiring at 40 it seemed crazy I never thought possible. Never thought I would have a hard time making a decision when it happened though.

Today my T recommended taking her to my pdoc appointment and let him explain things to her. She doesn’t think she will listen to her. My T doesn’t think she understands how bad my situation is. We had a long talk last night and I tried to explain it but it didn’t seem to sink in. She wants me to work 15 more years.

What is the goal of working 15 more years? (65?)

In 15 years she would get full pension and I would hit minimum retirement age.

Have you applied for for SSDI?

Of course, it is impossible for me to know your entire situation, as far as your wife and how she's feeling about the possible changes in your employment situation. And I don't know what your financial situation is.

However, from reading your posts it is clear to me that your employment status needs to change ASAP.

As for your wife feeling resentful...I suspect that she is afraid of what the consequences will be if you entirely quit working. My husband is retired and receives benefits from various sources, which is great, but he has severe OCD, is depressed, and flatly refuses to get help for himself. For example, he will not see a therapist. He absolutely refuses to take meds. He has 50% veteran's disability, could get 100% disability (Vietnam). So many people at the VA have offered to help him, but he has a litany of daily excuses for not going over to the VA and filing for full disability.

So yes, I feel very resentful. All he does is make excuses for himself and talk about how he's going to change "tomorrow."

But it sounds like you are consistent about getting the medical help you need, which is hugely important. I hope your wife realizes the importance of that...of you being proactive about self-care (which helps care for her, too).

I think that volunteering for NAMI is an excellent way to connect with your peer community (others who live with mental illness). I facilitated a NAMI Connection group for 16 months. For 14 months it was terrific and I genuinely enjoyed facilitating the group. During the final 2 months, however, I was not doing well mentally. I managed to hide my declining mental state, but by the end of the last of the 16th month I was falling apart. I could not carry the responsibility of the group anymore. What had been an asset became a very heavy burden and I had to stop facilitating the group.

So what I'm saying is that, in my experience, one's own mental state has to be unquestionably stable in order to volunteer with NAMI. It is possible that if you're feeling too unstable to work part-time, volunteering with NAMI might be too stressful right now.

I know one thing for sure: I strongly suggest that you take you wife with you to your pdoc appointment. Whatever else is going on, or will happen, clarification can only help.

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Soooo, she doesn't want to work even 8 more years, but wants you to work 15 more years? Having a hard time wrapping my head around that. I agree with BirdDancer that a marriage has both give and take, and those can fluctuate in direction. It's a teamwork thing.

I agree that she really should become better informed via your pdoc.

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I think she needs to hear the reasons for part time from your Pdoc and T.

I never thought I’d be on SSDI at my age, and we certainly never expected my husband to unfortunately wind up on SSDI also. I’m only 52 and he’s 58.

Our “ plan” was a great one but life had another “plan for us”

I do think couples counseling would benefit you both as I think you both are building up a lot of resentment towards each other and if that can’t be figured out it could easily destroy your marriage.