Resentment

After literally dumping out my emotions into a heap on the T’s office floor. Things started coming out

As many of you know I have had a really rough few months, husband in the hospital , that bloody trip to Florida, a tendon injury that doesn’t seem to want to heal anytime this century. My big Asthma flare that is still lingering.

I realized I have a lot of resentment about it all.

Prior to the trip I told my husband how I just can’t imagine a 4 week long stay in Florida. The way things worked out it wound up being just a couple days over 2 weeks and that had me highly unstable and feeling suicidal.

My T and I both agree that even tho I made it clear how these trips to Florida destabilize me to the point of being suicidal, I had explained this to my husband. He still wanted to spend another week with our friends, but they had family company coming unexpectedly so we were thankfully able to leave early.

I have great resentment that although my husband heard what I was saying he must have figured 3 weeks was better than 4. My husband is a very kind loving person so I honestly think he just doesn’t “ get it”

So we have another freaking trip to make down to Florida at Christmas. Yessss it’s months from now..

My T and I both agree that I need to really talk to him about it, I don’t know what idea he has for the trip length wise at this point.

So common sense says wait and talk closer to then, but can I put it out of my mind and find stability now?

Sorry this was so long, I just can’t seem to condense my problems nor my thoughts.

I’m just not thrilled about things and think of an early exit, just thoughts no plan nor intent at this point.

Oh gawd I’m sick of myself all the way around.

Another trip?!??! Oh dear. My heart hurts for you. I can see feeling the way that you do. You were drowning and its like everyone assumed you would just somehow power through it. You did of course, but at what cost?

I actually think common sense says nip it in the bud now. He has a few months to be thinking about the trip length and may get emotionally tied to a specific plan. Or you may have friends or relatives suggest things that back you into a corner. If you go ahead and set expectations now you can plan together something that works for both of you. I wouldn't wait. You'll sleep easier if you get it out of the way. Plus, you may be able to feel less resentment if you have a chance to get off your chest how the way things went down made you feel. Lighten the load!

Yes Fern ! Thank you

I can understand why you'd be feeling resentment. You had legitimate reasons for not wanting to go on that trip for that long.
I agree it might be best to have the conversation sooner than later. So you don't have to just hold in that resentment about how it made you feel and so you can work out the plans for the next trip and not just worry about it.
Something I noticed from your posts was that it didn't seem like he was very willing to budge once his mind was made up. Not even the hospital kept him from wanting to go on that trip. So, to echo what Fern said, maybe you can decide together what will work for you both and come up with a plan in advance for this next trip. It didn't seem like you got much say in terms of plans for the last trip and I think you deserve to have input and be heard.

I am sorry for all you are going through, Christina.

I whole-heartedly agree with fern46. I honestly think you will feel better, on many levels, the sooner you are able to share openly with your H.
From all I have ever heard from you, he cares very much about you. I also think he just does not understand.

Our multiple illnesses "situation" in life can be very difficult for others to fully understand, including those who are the closest to us. Sometimes, they are not listening. Sometimes, we may fall short of sharing enough, which certainly was not the case around your recent trip. I know I, too often, try to convice myself , as well as convincing others, that I am okay. I do it often enough that when I mention there is a problem and I am not okay with something, some people just cannot hear it, which is a part of what I was afraid of to begin with.

I know I do, at times, shoot myself in the foot by telling people "no," but then I might still push myself beyond a balanced and a healthy place for me. I do know we strive to not let our loved ones down. I think we have to find a way to negotiate, when there is room for negotiation. There may be times when there is not a lot of room for negotiation, as well.

I do think that your husband is so devoted to you, and you to him, that he will support you once he more fully understands your needs.

I love you!

Hi Christina. I agree with all above that discussing any potential Christmas trip sooner, rather than later would surely be best.

My husband has a tendency to come up with big plans, assuming I'll just ride along with them. I have had to negotiate these more in recent years and sometimes say no. What would you be willing to do as a compromise? Maybe fly to FL instead of drive, and just stay for four days instead of weeks? Do think what you could handle. Obviously Christmas is not a time when you'd want to be alone, but other times of year? I've told my husband to take certain trips without me.

What do you want to do over Christmas? Did he even ask you that question? If not, why not? You did that recent trip to Florida, when you didn't want to. Maybe it's his turn to do/not do something even though he doesn't like it.

Words are failing me right now but I wanted to chime in and give you a supportive and echo what the others have said. Good posts here.

I also agree with setting expectations. That way no one gets hurt.
I tried googling some wise words to relay here, but couldn't find anything that really applied to this situation.
I will just say that this should be looked as part of your self care.
/hugs

I dread this trip for you! I would personally discuss it sooner rather than later. Perhaps that’s just my anxiety talking but I’d rather get a convo over with then let it weigh on me for along time. Perhaps journal ALL of your thoughts then work with t on the right way to discuss it with assertiveness but also with listening ears.

But I’m not the best at relationships so what do I know.

I do hope it’s not a long trip! I care so much for you. You know I love you and I hope you know how much i respect you.

Thank you everyone for support and much appreciated advice.

A bit of backstory about my husband.

We moved from Florida to Tennessee 15 years ago, he hoped his boys would move up here, but they were 12, 15 and 19 , the youngest two would spend all of summers here and any breaks from school also they loved it but as teenagers they had friends they didn’t want to leave for good, and I get that. I know it broke his heart. My daughter of course lived here, she spend summers and breaks with her dad in Florida

The first 1.5 years steve would go down and spend a week each month , stayed with his dad. Eventually around 13-14 months into these trips the boys just got “ too busy to take time out of the busy social life “ (eyeroll) to spend much time with him, and financially we just couldn’t continue the trips.

When it comes to Steve’s kids he will drop everything and do whatever they need and I get that, I feel the same way about my daughter. But I have come to terms that my daughter is 27 and has a busy life of her own. He just apparently cant wrap his head around it.

Then Steve got his first Grandchild“ Payton” so he struggles a lot by not seeing her all the time, where his ex wife sees her all the time.

But we lived there for 8 months to see if we wanted to move back fulltime. We seldom ever saw them sometimes it was they were all sick and then my husband was in the hospital and very ill. Or they just didn’t want us at there Home apparently??? For an afternoon to hang out with them and Payton. We see Payton more just making trips down as they know we will only have x days.

My T and I know that when it comes to his kids they most often come first and that’s okay my daughter comes first too at times too.

I don’t doubt my husbands love and devotion. He just can’t seem to realize they are grown and simply don’t need us as much anymore.

He had a set of grandparents in Tennessee that growing up they would go visit once a year , he doesn’t want to be a mostly “forgotten grandparent. “ Hell !!!!! his god damn Son didn’t even have Payton who is now 4 years old FaceTime him on “ Grandparents” day.

Moving back to Florida just isn’t possible, the housing cost has us just priced out, we own our home here outright. We are both on SSDI so we have a ridiculously low amount of money monthly to try and make ends meet. Plus the 10 months of hellish heat and humidity would quickly put him on oxygen full time.

I keep telling him he should make more trips down a year, he could go alone and not ask Ryan IF he can stay there just say do you have plans for X dates? Ok I’ll be down I need to stay at your place, I don’t have money for a hotel. Seems like the best solution possible.

We are never offered to stay at there Home they have 3 dogs but dont like our two, but all there other family is constantly dropping there dogs off, yes this infuriates me , our dogs are very well mannered and social , so by him going alone I’ll be home with the dogs

Steve could fly , his son works for American Airlines, so basically free, he would have to take his oxygen concentrator and we arent sure how that works flying. It’s to big as a carry on, but could easily be damaged in regular luggage compartments, it’s of course a rental. They cost 3,000.00 and up to buy one. Least if it breaks down they bring a new one until his is repaired

When we go down , we have no choice but to take the dogs, we can not afford to board them it’s 20.00 per day per dog. We have no family here, and no friends to care for them.

I do need to have the conversation about the Florida Christmas trip sooner rather than later.

I just know initially he’s going to be upset and completely not understand why these trips are so hard for me. so I’ll just tell him I’ll stay home and then a argument is likely to occur and then I just turn it all inward and hate on myself until I literally start making a plan with intent. Then I wind up IP.

This shouldn’t be so F’ing complicated. But it is on many levels.

I can only see my T every 2 weeks unlike every week I did for 7 years, so it’s hard for me to manage that extra week, especially when I’m pretty much a mess.

I’m just so sick of how being out of my routine for more than a week or 2 tops throws me into a hellish mess I have to claw my way out of each time.

I just want to give up , my physical health is just getting worse and worse and I don’t know how to come to terms if nothing can be done to help that part of my life.

My head is so loud I’d like to chop it off to be honest.

Thanks everyone your support means so much

Gah I hate when my head is loud and you know how I feel about you having to go on these trips

Like Nammu my words also wish to fail me tonight, but I do want to offer you warm and supportive hugs! You are so good about supporting all of us when we need it so go ahead and vent away. I just wish there was something I could say other than I am sorry about what you are feeling.

I know how hard it is to feel like you can't say no to a person and just go along for the sake of going along, I would at least try talking to your husband about the Florida trip and see if there is another alternative. I'm glad you were able to see your T and that he was able to offer some support.

Christina
Sorry to say I'm a member of the words failing club tonight. (Got home from work and am wiped out!) But I did want to put a little something to let you know that I feel for your situation.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Dear Christina,
Am so sorry about how difficult traveling is on you. I can relate. I can only set up a pill box for 2 weeks. I hate being out of my routine. Nobody in my family understands how hard it is......
definitely have that discussion sooner than later.
((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

Cristina I do not know the back story and I am trying to understand what you have shared so far. What would happen if you just refused to go? If you stood your ground?

There’s an old saying that you cant please all of the people all of the time. Today I had to insist that my h stop doing some things that are destroying both of us, mainly pushing all of his medical research questioningandplannngofffonme.He has some kind of ptsd fromhisparentsbothdying young,but too bad. He can get a counselorforthatorwhatever,but he is 73and he is goingtoputhisbigboy pants on andhelp me with all this or Iwillhave to do something drastic.(Sorryfor no spaces, my keyboard needs charging). His cognition is even starting to go so its nowor never. He has been mean and stubborn and gaslighting aboutthisforever.No more, I dont even have enough energy left to do thingsformyslelf.
You do not have to go on every one of those trips or you could return ahead of him.You two are not joined at the hip. Dont discuss this endlessly. Have a talk about it and do what you have to do to save yourself.

I can appreciate him wanting to see his kids and grandchild as often as possible. I just think he also needs to accept the reality of your health status. He needs to accept the reality of his own health status too. He has been struggling as well.

I think it is perfectly acceptable to state how long you'd be comfortable going for and that you'll need to stay home if the trip is any longer than that. That gives him two options that can work for you.

You shouldn't have to feel guilty and go into a downward spiral if you cannot make a trip work. That's you choosing to take on the guilt and you ultimately have control over that. You aren't a bad step mother, grandmother or wife for doing what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and out of the hospital. You'd be realizing you have limits and that self care is more important than going and operating on empty. Going on a trip that is more than you can handle can also land you in IP. The only options that keep you safe are making a short trip that works for you or staying home and being in acceptance of your choice. Perhaps you and your T can discuss ways to cope with the second option.

Maybe time your discussion with your husband so that it falls right before you see your T again. That way you can get some help processing anything uncomfortable that comes up.

I know this must be incredibly difficult. I'm actually a step mother and a grandmother in addition to being a mother of my little ones. I've been pulled in a number of uncomfortable directions over the years and it is always hard to balance what is right for you against the needs of a child. Keep in mind that sometimes there is no right answer and give yourself room for acceptance. My step daughter has disliked a number of the decisions I have made over the years, but it didn't mean they were wrong. It just meant that we were both doing our best to deal with a difficult situation. The love is always there and that's what I choose to focus on.

You're still unstable and he's talking about going again and soon. You need to talk to him and say these are the reasons I can't go, and these are the reasons you need to think about going (both positive and negative). Is there a possibility to jump on a plane for a week or two if you stay home?

Thanks everyone !

Yes it all makes sense.

My mother raised me when asked how I am I always say “ fine or good” how are you ??

My T and I traced the beginning of my Bipolar back to age 6. ( I’m 52 now , diagnosed Bipolar at 43) for decades I managed, I thought everyone had a racing mind. I saw a Pdoc for a couple years while my Father battled cancer and my first husband cheated and we divorced. My Pdoc never suspected Bipolar because I always “ present well “ Depression fit the circumstances.

So decades of internalizing, my T and I both agree in general those are just part of my core and are highly unlikely to change. So in the past my husband has been unaware just how bad I have been until I say “ I need you to drive me north” which means IP 110 miles away. He’s typically shocked. I have to force myself to telling him sooner that I’m not doing so well.

But anyway. Yes I need to get these trips straightened out, make them more tolerable and ultimately “ safer” for me. Until our friends moved to North Florida we would go down for 7-10 days at most , hell we are broke people on SSDI, we can’t afford hotels for weeks , nor having to eat out all the time.

So that is what’s changed on the last 2 trips down. Last Christmas it was a total of 3 weeks gone. Staying with our friends.

This last trip was a nightmare because my husbands high school reunion was in mid August but the grandchild’s Birthday wasn’t until sept 6th. I understood his logic about staying for both and not make the drive twice. He loves his class reunions, I don’t go , I don’t know anyone, I’m happy he goes , he has a great time and it leaves me more time with my daughter.

One thing that also needs to be considered, my husband was diagnosed with emphezema 9 years ago , managed with inhalers well until 2 years ago he wound up in the hospital in respiratory crisis and came home on oxygen 24/7 , over a few months he was able to wean off it to just at night use. Unless he’s exerting himself and then he has to stop what he’s doing and use his oxygen for a few mins.

Unless something else medically causes his death, this will eventually put him on oxygen full time and these trips will be impossible and it will lead eventually to his death and it will be a painful one. I think he’s so driven to make the trips because even tho he has come to terms with it , he feels he’s running out of time ..possibly? I can’t ignore this key issue.

This year alone he’s had 3 nasty lung infections that took each over a month and double length antibiotic runs to clear it up , then before we were to leave he went from doing well to in the hospital very ill in a matter of 2 days

I also watch his health like a hawk , worked medical all my life. I know what to watch for, I know if he’s starting to catch something I’m on the phone to our Doctor where as my husband would give it a few more days. He no longer has the luxury of “ let’s see if my body can fight it off”

I am just not comfortable sending him alone , if he gets sick I won’t be there to ensure he’s taken care of, that he’s put on the right type of antibiotic, if he’s getting sick here , our doctor orders a sputum culture so we know exactly was bacteria it is and what antibiotic will take care of it. Joeblow walk in clinic will just give him whatever and my husband wouldn’t know if it would be right or not. So him sick in Florida and my staying up here could easily turn into I have to get there ASAP and that comes with a whole set of other problems.

I just wish that grandchild would have been born in June or july so trips could be more spaced out.

My Bipolar can’t steer our lives anymore than it does, it’s not fair for him, so compromise is needed on both our sides.

Im going to get him to understand that anything more than 2 weeks is more than I can manage , period. Last Christmas trip we could only afford 3 days in a hotel. The rest was with our friends who live 4 hours away from the kids. I’m not comfortable staying there for over 2 weeks , it’s too long to be in someone’s home.

I know many of you will think this should be a simple case of me saying Nope ! I’m not going !!! and honestly I wish it was.

But none of this is simple.

I’m tore between talking to him before I see my T again , so he (T) can help me process whatever problems it causes or after I see him where we can run through scenarios, so I dont burst into tears and make matters worse for “ me”

Good grief I have rambled a damn novel. Sorry about that but I felt I needed to give out info to show the bigger picture.

Why can’t anything be easy ?!?!?!

Thanks again everyone ! All this support is helping me so much

Could they come and visit you? Or could he Skype or use technical solutions rather than you both travel?