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BipolaRNurse
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Default Sep 23, 2019 at 01:49 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by Moose72 View Post
Brain damage! Yes! According to the kindling theory, every time you have an episode, its worse than the one before. And Im thinking that every part of the episode results in brain damage hence worsening brain damage as well.
I have had two different psychiatrists tell me this same thing. I get SO upset with myself for my short-term memory deficits, when it's not my fault at all. It got so bad at one point that I asked my pdoc if I was developing dementia. I'm not, it's just brain damage from the combination of repeated bipolar episodes and the meds I'm taking to treat it. For some reason that made me feel a little better; I've seen so much dementia that I fear it more than almost any other illness.

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Default Sep 23, 2019 at 09:31 AM
  #22
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Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse View Post
I have had two different psychiatrists tell me this same thing. I get SO upset with myself for my short-term memory deficits, when it's not my fault at all. It got so bad at one point that I asked my pdoc if I was developing dementia. I'm not, it's just brain damage from the combination of repeated bipolar episodes and the meds I'm taking to treat it. For some reason that made me feel a little better; I've seen so much dementia that I fear it more than almost any other illness.
I get upset with myself also when I cannot remember things. I know that it is my disease that is doing it. I can definitely relate to this and the other replies here on this topic. I watched my Grandmother go thru dementia. I used to make her meals and take care of her before she passed. She was frustrated with herself in the beginning, but then after that she just became unaware that she had forgotten something or that she was tripping. Dementia is not a nice thing. I also have my fears of brain damage and dementia. I forget things all the time and it is stuff that just happened recently.

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Default Sep 23, 2019 at 10:16 PM
  #23
Oh, man. Well, when I am in a florid manic episode, I can't remember anything. Short-term memory is just, like, nonexistent. It's bad. Now, I'm worried about the cumulative impact of all these psychotic and manic experiences on my poor memory apparatus. It just can't be helpful to one's memory to go through this kind of stuff over the years. Terrified of dementia and now, with this recent study showing a relationship between anticholinergic meds and increased dementia risk, I am just freaking about the Wellbutrin I've been on for years. Should I stop it? Is it too late, is the damage already done? Who knows. Not sure what I am going to do.

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Default Sep 24, 2019 at 09:10 AM
  #24
I thought I had added a post here, with the others, but I guess I didn't.

I have definitely experienced this type of memory loss. Thanks for sharing a more precise term for why/how this happens. I have always just used the more casual "manic blackouts". I know I've encountered many people over the years that have written about this.

I had 10 hospitalizations and 12 PHP/IOPs, though I only really remember 5 hospitalizations, or maybe at least bits of 6. Bits of long periods even earlier in life, when I was clearly manic, are mostly lost -- way beyond the normal memory loss of mundane days. I agree that it is disconcerting. I remember asking my husband a number of times to tell me about my behavior or what happened during those "lost manic days". He usually refused to tell me. I'm sure he refused partly because it was too difficult to talk about and partly because he thought it best that I not know. Truth is, many of those "lost times" were likely traumatic to varying degrees. Very often when I was experiencing psychosis, it wasn't "magical" or "marvelous", but frightening or severely disconcerting. I often had delusions of persecution.
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Default Sep 24, 2019 at 01:42 PM
  #25
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Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
I thought I had added a post here, with the others, but I guess I didn't.

I have definitely experienced this type of memory loss. Thanks for sharing a more precise term for why/how this happens. I have always just used the more casual "manic blackouts". I know I've encountered many people over the years that have written about this.

I had 10 hospitalizations and 12 PHP/IOPs, though I only really remember 5 hospitalizations, or maybe at least bits of 6. Bits of long periods even earlier in life, when I was clearly manic, are mostly lost -- way beyond the normal memory loss of mundane days. I agree that it is disconcerting. I remember asking my husband a number of times to tell me about my behavior or what happened during those "lost manic days". He usually refused to tell me. I'm sure he refused partly because it was too difficult to talk about and partly because he thought it best that I not know. Truth is, many of those "lost times" were likely traumatic to varying degrees. Very often when I was experiencing psychosis, it wasn't "magical" or "marvelous", but frightening or severely disconcerting. I often had delusions of persecution.
I have done that too, where I swore that I wrote a post, but then looked for it and couldn't find anything. I understand that. You certainly have more experience with hospitalizations and such then I do. I think it was very loving of your hubby to not tell you about your episodes.

I don't understand how people think of their psychosis as magical or marvelous, so I get what you are saying there also. When I had my last episode, I had the persecutory kind. I don't want to experience that again. It was very dark and scary. I hope you are doing well and that things are calm for you now. / hugs

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Default Sep 24, 2019 at 10:43 PM
  #26
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Originally Posted by BipolarWolf View Post
I have done that too, where I swore that I wrote a post, but then looked for it and couldn't find anything. I understand that. You certainly have more experience with hospitalizations and such then I do. I think it was very loving of your hubby to not tell you about your episodes.

I don't understand how people think of their psychosis as magical or marvelous, so I get what you are saying there also. When I had my last episode, I had the persecutory kind. I don't want to experience that again. It was very dark and scary. I hope you are doing well and that things are calm for you now. / hugs
Several of my psychotic episodes have been absolutely terrifying. Without a doubt, the darkest moments of my life. Just awful

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Default Sep 25, 2019 at 12:07 PM
  #27
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Several of my psychotic episodes have been absolutely terrifying. Without a doubt, the darkest moments of my life. Just awful
This. There was nothing high about it. It was an all time low.
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Default Sep 25, 2019 at 08:30 PM
  #28
I totally get the experience of a magical/marvelous psychotic experience. I was once so high I literally believed I was experiencing heaven. But, it turned so, so terrifying so quickly so even given that I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (although I sometimes secretly crave that feeling).

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Default Sep 25, 2019 at 08:34 PM
  #29
For me, I don't remember. I get to a certain point and everything is gone from my memory. I have no recollection. I am told by others what took place. /sigh

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