Celibacy

Hi. I was curious if there are others like me who have been so depressed that they are celibate? I started my celibacy 6 years ago and have not deterred from it once. I used to be the polar opposite and was very hypersexual at one point.

I promised my doctor that I wouldn't get into a relationship of any kind until I was "better"... but that "better" has been a very long road. I am always depressed by the idea that I might end up alone forever... I deal with it. I don't even have the want or need to pleasure myself. I am pretty sure that is from the meds and such. I am still not "better" I am battling depression everyday and every night. I always worried that how long I have been depressed will spring back into mania.

I see other people who are couples and it makes me sad all the time. Because I know I am a good person and "deserve" a healthy relationship. I am also worried that being alone for so long, and doing so much self care that if I did choose to be dating and whatever that I may have to encounter a lot of triggers, drugs, drinking, etc. or even worse, cheating.

I don't want to expose myself to that stuff anymore and left it behind. When I was married, I was cheated on and it really scarred me. I almost did a very bad thing to myself. if you get my drift. because I was so hurt by what she had done. We ended up splitting because of it, but it was another long winded story I would rather not tell, at least not anytime soon. that was over 9 years ago. can anyone relate ? sorry this is so long. but I felt I had to get that out there to you folks. even though I am an extremely private person.

I think a certain level of stability is beneficial to a healthy relationship, but what does "better" mean to you? Do you feel you might be ready? I am glad you realize you deserve a healthy relationship. I think I am in a pretty healthy relationship despite my mental health problems. My SO treats me well and I do my best to hold myself accountable for my own stuff instead of taking it out on him. I think I have sometimes failed at that, but he seems to think I treat him well. He also never makes me feel bad for being unwell. I can understand being worried about being triggered again after a bad relationship. I have not been in any really bad relationships before, but maybe others here can comment on that and what it's like to get back into dating. I am sorry for those past experiences.

Welcome to PC!

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.

I am very sorry for all you have been through. I think it is normal to have some anxiety around being triggered.
In time, when feeling stable, you might take a chance and get back out there looking for a relationship, or not.

It is true that meds and/or depression can take a toll on one's libido.
I hope you do find a healthy and rewarding relationship in perfect timing.

I tried to respond to these but each time I deleted it because I don't know how to answer that question, of "better" maybe I will never be better.
I feel like shi* now. VERY very depressed.

thank you for the responses and the welcome. I appreciate it.

I'm sorry you are feeling very depressed and also sorry if my question was stressful to try to answer, I hope it didn't upset you in any way. It really is a rather difficult thing to answer, I was just trying to understand what it was you (or your doctor) might have been thinking would the goal for before you felt ready to enter a relationship. However, you certainly don't need to respond to that question. I do agree you deserve a healthy relationship once you feel ready.

Let me start by saying I never expect a response, even if I ask a question. Everyone here just wants what is best for you so respond if you want, don't if it is too much. We understand.

I read your post a couple of times. At first, I didn't really feel like I could relate. I've never experienced serious depression and I'm not sure I can assist with that. However, there was something in your story that caught my attention. Forgive me if this stings a little. Its just food for thought, ok? Take it if it resonates, discard it if it doesn't.

You mentioned you promised your doctor that you wouldn't begin a relationship until you are better. You've been waiting a long time. You've done a lot of work on yourself, but you feel you are still lacking. Meanwhile, you've cut yourself off from an important type of interaction you used to enjoy. You are seeing others happy in that way and it is making your depression worse. The root of some of this depression is an unhealthy relationship with your ex.

My mind is wondering this... Can you ever truly heal and be better without attempting to participate again in the very thing that helped to cause your issues? I feel like trying again and putting yourself out there could be the very thing you need to lift yourself up and out of the dark place you've been in. You're carrying a lot of fear and you need to find a way to let go of that. You were hurt deeply, but you survived it. You are a fighter. You have coping skills that you did not have before. You have strategies and a treatment team ready to help you should you need them.

You do not deserve to let what happened in the past continue to steal your joy. Right now its like your ex still has all the power. You see pain in relationships and I'm not sure how that will change unless you create new experiences of a different nature to lean on.

Relationships are messy and deeply emotional. If you're not ready, you're not ready. I don't want to push you. I just think maybe it is worth considering that healing may come from the very same place that contributed to what is broken. You've given this a lot of time alone. You have processed a great deal. Maybe putting yourself out there a little will help. You can keep it light and casual. There is no rule saying you have to jump in with both feet right away. It doesn't even have to be sexual. You can slowly work your way into all of that when it feels right.

I just wanted to toss that out. I wish you all the best no matter what you decide.

Wow, what a reply...
I had to read that a few times also because it made me cry.
I don't think that anyone has ever put things in that perspective, with as much thought and wording all at once to me. Over the years I have been in therapy and being medicated, I have picked those things up during that time.

I apologize to anyone that may have been offended by my post. As I mentioned before it is very difficult for me to actually type a long reply to something, my brain and hands do not work that well together and it takes me a long time to get things out.

Now, Fern... I want to thank you for putting things in the light that you did, as I read I could tell that there was caring, empathy, love in your reply. You did an excellent job replying to me. Thank you for that. It means more than you know. Sometimes, we need to hear things that may sting, even if they are true and a source of pain for us.

I will give it some thought and maybe consider talking to someone. I want to talk to my doctor and read this post to him, see what he thinks. Because I know that mentally I would not be able to word things as you did. It will help me. I see him tomorrow so that will give me some time to digest this some more before then.

I loved my ex more than life itself and would have walked thru fire for her and then some. I committed myself to her whole heartedly but that was not good enough for her to stay with me. It's painful to even write about it now as I type this, even though, I am where I am today without her. It's something I never experienced like that and I do not want to ever go thru that again.

I have worked very hard to get where I am today, even though my life is not ideal today, it Is much better than it was after the downward spiral that that ordeal sent me into. It was the closest to death that I have ever been. I am here today, for support and to find myself with like minded people who have like illnesses as myself to reach out and to find some kind of normal thinking.

It will be an interesting appointment tomorrow, my doctor has always advocated me getting into some type of socialization other than my two parrots, my son, and my mom and her hubby. I have hope and I can see things differently today than when I first joined PC not too long ago. The support here is great. Thank you so much for caring enough to reply.

/hug

Hi BipolarWolf. I've been struggling to figure out how best to respond to your post, too, but I really want to. I think it's great that you will show your doctor this post. I think that the mere fact that you posted on this subject is a very good sign. Maybe it represents the last stages or even the completion of your grieving process after your last major relationship?

I remember clearly when my first love seemed to, out of nowhere, say to me that he didn't love me anymore. I was floored! I couldn't understand why that would happen and why he would reject me in such a sudden and cold way. I was (and still am) a type of person that believes that "Once I love, I love forever". Unfortunately, that is not the case for everyone. However, I am NOT the only person who does believe in such a love and commitment. It was only about a year later that I met my husband. We have been together for over 23 years and still love each other deeply. There is (or are, if it happens like that) a woman that would love you forever. Maybe Fern is right. Maybe this is a sign that you're ready to search for that person and put that old girlfriend in the place she belongs. The past tense.

I don't think I'd worry that much about how long it's been since you had sex. I have a feeling that when you find someone you are very excited about, not only could depression ease/fade away, but you'll likely get very excited - if you know what I mean. Sure, medications can affect our libido, but I think that excitement can often fight that side effect.

Sorry to make you cry, but sometimes it can be therapeutic. I'm happy to have helped.

I am staying home with my children now, but I spent a lot of time professionally working with teams and individuals. I was often called in to assist them when they were stuck or needed change in some way. I found that sometimes people need to hear from someone who is like them or someone who is in the same place they are. It can be incredibly helpful to know you're not alone. I felt like maybe that was your intent when you wrote your initial post. However, it is my experience that people often need to hear from someone who is in a much different place than they are. They need someone with enough empathy to meet them where they are, but then they need to be shown a new perspective. They need to see that other places exist. Its like meeting someone with a map to a place you've never been before or have forgotten the directions to. I felt like you've been stuck in the same place so long that maybe you just needed to see the map again. You've been happy in a relationship before. It is not beyond you. You just forgot the way. Now you're starting to look at the other place and wonder if you'd like to travel there again. That's change!

I also think BirdDancer gave you some great advice. There are all kinds of women out there. It may take trial and error, but you can find a match who views love the way you do. I also agree with her that the excitement will come at the right time when you have something to be excited about. Try not to worry too much about that part. Cross that bridge when you get there.

Good luck at your appointment with your doctor tomorrow. I think it is exciting you're considering a fresh perspective. Hit us up if you need to talk any of it through before you go. This is a great group of people with a wealth of knowledge, experience and empathy to offer. I'm glad to have you around.

Thinking of you today. I hope the appointment goes well!

Hello. Thanks for the thoughts and the replies to this. I think after talking to my T that it is not the time for me to be getting into any kind of relationship. I am still unwell and I need to get more adjustments to my cocktail of meds. I don't know when I will put myself out there for dating, but at least I am putting myself out there to talk to you folks.
Which is a lot more than I have done in many years. So, I will settle for that for now. Thank you again for your help.
/hug

You thought about trying something you've been closed off from for a while. You sat with those thoughts and didn't shut them out even though it was uncomfortable. I think that's huge progress. You don't have to be in a relationship yet to take steps toward building one in the future. I see this as a success.

Its good you know yourself well enough to know now isn't the right time. Good luck with the med adjustments. I hope they help you feel well enough to be confident in taking whatever you decide as a next step.

Keep talking to us if it is helping. There's always someone around to listen. Thanks for the update!

I like the way you worded that Fern You are absolutely right. It is progress. I put in word to my psych, that I wanted to take more Zoloft. This 25mg isn't doing much for me at all. My T agrees with me that it doesn't get to be therapeutic until about 100mg. We will see how that unfolds. I don't think I have ever been on an a.d. before, my mind is really bad when it comes to memories. I have huge holes in my memory. I attribute that to my condition. I like the idea of talking to you folks., thanks for the reply