A pattern of eventual avoidance

I just noticed that I'm, yet again, falling into a pattern of eventual avoidance of things.

Do other people often start something with some excitement, and then very soon after, almost start dreading the task(s). It has happened to me so many times throughout my life. It doesn't happen with everything I do, but certain categories of things, like classes, volunteer jobs, travel opportunities, and the like. I think I'm making great progress forward, and then "Boom!" It all seems to turn into a struggle/dread.

Something happened to me that made me now not want to do the volunteer job they gave me at NAMI. I'm not sure that other options would have made me fall into this figurative hole, but the one they gave me did. Just like my French classes, it started great, and then...not. I'm struggling with the thought that I have to drive to NAMI tomorrow morning and be there for two hours. Hubby is not home until late today. I'm rebelling. I haven't eaten anything but junk/desserts today, and I can't imagine eating anything good later on. Or if I do, I might also eat junk.

My therapist is great, but I feel strange mentioning the above, all the same. It's a real pattern for me that's so hard to fully break. I'm leaving to see her in less than 15 minutes. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon.

I don't exactly feel depressed. Just a dread. I often equate it to me trying to grab on to a magnet, but we're the same pole, and I'm repelled by it.

This tendency is one of the reasons I struggle to get off of disability.

Does anyone ever get an overwhelming desire to run away? And yet, you know that if you run away you'll end up suffering even more? Then I start saying over and over again that "I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home." And yet, I am home.

I've experienced something like this at times. I've quit things before that I was excited about and that would have benefited me. It made me feel a little like a failure because everything I gave up was easily within my reach. It was me standing in my own way every time. It was irrational fears or obstacles I created that kept me from doing what I wanted.

It seems like you can clearly see the pattern now. That's really awesome. I think it gives you the opportunity to do the work to change it. You can't effectively shift what you cannot see.

So you're feeling dread about your volunteer work. You can run, but then you'd be continuing with the pattern. Instead maybe set a new expectation for yourself. Tell yourself that you're going to sit with the discomfort and push through it anyway. Tell yourself it will just be a few hours and then you'll have time for self care. Go ahead and maybe plan a reward for yourself for sticking with it to give you something to look forward to.

You mentioned in another thread you are not liking the assignment to answer the phones. I can see how that might feel uncomfortable for a number of reasons. I suppose the worst thing that could happen is you accidentally hang up on someone or misroute their call. That would be a small mistake and one you could laugh about. No big deal. I know it may sound hokey, but maybe practice a little today at home. Practice what you'll say when you answer and maybe even practice making a mistake so you can feel your way through that a little. Remind yourself that the phone is just a symbol of your pattern. You've already identified the obstacle, and now you just need to face it and climb over it.

I feel like you can do this. Change is within your reach. There's also nothing wrong with you if you stick within your pattern, but I have every faith you can change it if you set your will to do so. You're already ahead of the game because you identified the pattern and the obstacle. Good luck BirdDancer. I hope therapy helps.

Yeah. I attribute it to not knowing what i really want. To my parents always deflecting me away from stuff. "Just do what WE say now, and you can do what YOU want later!" I fell for it every darn time. No wonder my parents thought i was an idiot.

Everything always sounds good at first. But there is really no "me" present to make a considered decision.

Like, im a minor hoarder. They have a scale of 1 to 4 or 5, and im still like a 2. Theres no pet poop, and i sleep in my bed. But there is no place for a me to really rest, or create from, or launch from. Its like im scattered all over the place, mentally and physically.

Rather than dislike going to NAMI, ask someone for a different job. You are not paid, they are lucky you are there at all, especially someone as capable as you, Bird. In my city, NAMI has very few services at all. With all the publicity about the rising suicide rates, they are aggressively trying to raise money to increase services that will reach young people. They dont even have the basic groups in my city, which is one of the largest in the country.