Bipolar Check-In #38

My case manager called to ask how im doing. I was driving through a busy intersection so I just told her I was ok. I see pdoc tomorrow at 10. I dont know what I shouldve told my case manager. Sigh. Im now in bed with jeans and a sweatshirt on along with my space heater going. I just feel the need to be cradled and warmed and cozy. I will read my book. Im almost done with it. I got a few things to make smoothies today. But thats about all the money I have. I dunno how Im gonna get through the month without the child support. That kid just HAS to get a job!

HI BirdDancer,

You know yourself very well. I would agree with the idea that you should go ahead with your med in crease. My pdoc and I have an agreement like this one. I can make the change, while letting her know of the change and the need for the change on her voicemail.

I hope you feel better right away!
Much Love to You!

I'm back up to 20 mg abilify. She wasn't happy but she didn't over react. I see her in 2 months.

Can Wellbutrin increase your appetite? I know for many it induces weight loss but can it have the opposite effect? I decided to let myself just binge today to see if I could get the feeling of hunger to go away and I can’t. I feel sick now from everything I ate but I’m still ****ing hungry. I’ve been dealing with this for a a couple of months, which is one of the reasons I think I might have diabetes, but today it’s just nonstop. Maybe I’m just feeling it more because I’m not as depressed. Depression tends to decrease my appetite.

I have a job interview on Monday with another school. It’s for the same position I have now, paraprofessional, but full time instead of subbing. The boy I was supposed to work with may not be coming back and if he doesn’t I won’t be Able to be hired full time at my current job. I can’t work as a sub for very long, it’s just not enough money. Plus this other job would be working with behavioral students like I like to do, just not in the capacity of a teacher. I think that would be easier. Still stressful but less so.

I’m mildly depressed today. It seems to be getting better. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts last night, something along the lines of “wouldn’t it be nice if I could just....” but I know I can’t. That doesn’t make me resentful this time around so that’s good.

Welp I did it again! Screwed up yet another procedure by mistakenly taking my blood thinner! Its set for thursday at 730 am but now i have to cancel because i took my blood thinner about 2 pm today. I was supposed to skip today and tomorrow and thursday. Guess i have to call tomorrow and cancel. Im such an idiot. Ive done this twice before too.

I hope you can sleep tonight. I constantly struggle to sleep , major suckage !

I’m sure you know what you need now as far as dose. You know yourself best. I really hope things look up very quickly for you

Maybe write some stuff down that’s on your mind .. make sure you discuss the situation that happened that you needed to take Haldol prn.

Do you pay ANY bill for your son? Phone?

You get pill packs right ?? Maybe when you get rescheduled you can count out your days and put a huge red X over those days as a reminder to skip it ?

Good idea. Ive done this twice now. Its just too easy to open the pack and throw all the pills in at once and a gulp of water...

He pays nothing. I do pay for his phone but if I cut his off I can't get ahold of him and he wanders all over the place every day. We're talking miles.

the post that you keep deleting instead of posting.
yeah. that kind of thing.
I write it all out and then i just delete it.
im so alone.
the movies in my head wont stop, of the past.

I think I am a bit depressed. Took me like an hour to get out of bed and I just could not make myself care this morning. Also more obsessive thoughts and feeling a little less trusting of people. However, I called a friend and that made me feel better. I was stuck in traffic and getting in a rotten mood and decided to make use of the time and catch up with someone. Turns out she was available to talk and we caught up which was nice.
I feel like I am getting a bit of a mood dependent memory or emotions thing going on. Like this rainy weather and my depressed feeling remind me of this time I was really depressed while traveling several years ago and it's kind of amplifying the feel and making me feel really bad. So, I am trying to make my apartment feel cozy and bright and relax tonight so I feel comfortable and safe.
Sending compassion to everyone!

We're with you. We will also listen if you ever want to hit submit instead of delete. Nobody here is judging you because you've lived some tragic screen plays and you're stuck on repeat. Many know exactly what that is like.

Oh my psychiatrist said she appreciates us. That we always come in tell her exactly what is going on. Even when it's hard. That we're prepared. My husband wanted my dose doubled but she explained she worries about side effects especially with me as I'm likely to just stop taking it. I guess he's pretty worried. It was super nice to hear. (My pdoc not that h is worried) Meaning she understands how hard it is to say x is happening and it's not super fun. So I'm still paranoid, hearing and feeling things. I'm still depressed but hearing that I still have options on abilify odt really helps. They are going to fight my insurance for me if I have trouble filling the script. I'm always scared to go but I'm glad i went.

Moose what about getting him a safelink cell phone. You can bring your own phone and that's one less bill.

Well I’d say ... Get a job in 14 days or I will turn your phone off. Tough love time. Meh let him wander... it’s cold he won’t stay out too long.

When I turned 18 , this was back in 1985 .., I was expected to pay 80.00 a month. To help with Food Cost and having a place to live. I had certain chores that were non negotiable it was just part of living at home after age 18 ( I had chores growing up and I wasn’t paid to do them) I got a job at a drug store in high school and from that day forward I paid for my clothes , school activities etc. at 18 I had to get my own car insurance policy. I paid my Father 50.00 a month, he kept it so I would have money in case my car needed repaired, tires or whatever.

As long as my daughter was going to college I did not charge her anything , she did pay me for her car insurance and cell phone, both were added onto my policy/plan. Had she dropped out of college I would have likely charged her at least 250.00 a month.

Just outta the shower and dressed. Feeling so refreshed! Listening to Libera. Taking home n3s gf in 7 minutes.

I might see my case manager tomorrow. Sometimes she sits in on my med reviews. Otherwise its just me and pdoc. Really, I still have self-destructive thoughts here and there. When I finish my book what will I distract myself with? Another book, of course! I hope I can get some eggs to go with the bisquik I have- pancakes and waffles! I even have syrup. We might have to eat only once a day but that's better than nothing, right?

Just popping in to let you know how my special set-up for my Overeaters Anonymous meeting went on Monday. I was perfectly safe and everyone enjoyed the special touches, the tablecloths, the carafe of water and nifty mugs and the instrumental piano music by one of the members' son. I actually decided to collect small red maple leaves on the way there to decorate the tabletop rather than the faux flowers which i can use another time. The leaves were more evocative of Thanksgiving (Canada).

But i'm a little worried that it is an "anti-eating" group more than a "pro-health" group. Also not sure if i have any eating dysfunction beyond med-induced behaviors. I don't eat compulsively and i'm not a food addict. I've overeaten the same amount each day for twenty years, since i went on APs. I expect my sub-optimal eating behaviors will disappear once i am off psych meds. Feeling more labile, euphoria which is good then fear which is bad. But what am i to do? Live in a chemical straight-jacket for the few years i have left just because it's risky to have feelings? What kind of life is it to have a chemical lobotomy? NO LIFE AT ALL! I'd rather risk it all and learn to manage my emotions than be numb for the rest of my life. I actually haven't been suicidal at all, at all.

What a waste these past 20 years have been! Stagnant and inert most of the year with brief periods of euphoria not able to string together twelve consecutive months of employability and not even being allowed to try to manage my emotions without chemical aid. But i guess it's *me* who took the meds, *me* who sought out and "won" the label BIPOLAR. It hasn't even ever been useful to have gotten the label as the meds don't help with my mood swings anyways. They just make me fat and exhausted and dependent. Be glad to get rid of them. 67% done my Seroquel taper. Risperdal will be the next to go.

I'm DONE with meds!

Thanks Wild Coyote, I am sorry if this will be a ramble

with the topical cbd plus thc I find does help with sore muscles and joints, especially if I use it before I get too bad. It's soothing in a gentle way to me.
I found this, which mentions why cbd and thc together in lotions help . As thc is known for the psychoactive of getting high. Lotions do not have that effect.
Why THC and CBD are Better Together in Lotions and Topicals

before I had my spinal fusion and was in a great deal of pain the topical of anything (icy hot/biofreeze, arnica, cannabis lotion etc) didn't really help but that's because the herniated discs where putting so much pressure on my spine. I remember the holistic doc I saw during
that time told me, sometimes and some things we do need surgery for ((which I didn't want to here because it was my 2nd on the same two discs!)) But I'm glad I went through it, even though it was sincerely tough.

But during the time presurgery-for my knees that were being effected Indirectly from my back, those topicals would help (the arnica lotion I hadn't felt helped as much but a friend it does wonders for who had recommended it to me). Just like the tens machine, at that time didn't help my back but would help my pain in my knees.

I have an older friend that has issues in his knees- he didn't think the cannabis lotions worked ((but shortly had knee replacement))
but I have another older friend (his spouse actually) that swears by it and he asks me from time to time on my opinion as she loves the topical cannabis lotions.

I think we're all different even with topical things I think the rubbing and working the muscles is helpful with any oil or lotion.

I found also dry needling helped reset my leg muscles and acupuncture can help with tension in my upper back ((and stress)).. I also do float tanks from time to time, that's helped too I felt some times with my back.. I have slight scoliosis too, and l2 and l3 aren't in the best shape..
my friend's dad mentioned acupuncture did nothing for him, my "oldest friend " (who is almost 80) he finds benefits with acupuncture

Chiropractor I will never do again, but some people that really helps them.

I have no doubts that the herbal remedies in the three I mention here have their own powers too along with other things.

I too am always game to try something. I don't like chemical drugs, even in pain management but at times they do have their place ((ie post surgery I was glad to have the prescription drugs as they helped greatly even though I got severely depressed on them, but the first few months of getting back up and moving is crucial and there's so much pain with that with any post surgery))

I hope that makes sense.. hope not too much. And is help to weigh in some ideas.

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s