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Old 10-09-2019, 03:49 AM   #311
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

Yesterday I went for a swim, the first in months, and found out I really need to quit smoking. I was struggling to breath five minutes in. I could be a little unconditioned too. I took up smoking spontaneously about six months ago. It was a desperate way to try to cope with the PTSD. Still, the ocean was refreshing, and calming. Later I spent some quality time with my parents. I treasure these times more now I finally realise that they won't be around forever.

Today I saw my T then visited my partner. My T thinks I am improving which is encouraging. I haven't had a serious bipolar episode since February, but the PTSD has been bad. Right now I still feel shattered in pieces on the floor. A vulnerable place to be. When I meditate I become aware of a deep emotional pain that remains constant inside of me though I am unaware of it at most times. My T asked how long I thought it would take for me to feel strong enough to get a job. I don't know. Now is hiring time. I need a few more months. Should I force myself to work and risk making myself sick again? Money does help. All I know is I am not ready to decide on returning to work. I'm just not functioning on that level right now. But, dammit, I will get back to earning money soon.
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Old 10-09-2019, 07:18 AM   #312
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

I was hearing the mice again last night, but I didn't try the diffuser because I forgot and fell asleep. Then I was too lazy to set it up.

I think the mice stopped around 2:30am. I woke up at 10pm, 12:30am, 1am, 2:30am, 3:30am, and 4:20am. Just kept waking up because I was anxious about the mice breaking in!!

I still need to finish cleaning, but I've been worn out and doing A LOT of work. Ugh... At least now I have the supplies for putting things away. I've just gotta do it. I need to push through it and get it done, little by little.
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Old 10-09-2019, 08:32 AM   #313
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Christina View Post
Hopefully you can a decent chuck of restful sleep tonight
About 12 hrs...
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Old 10-09-2019, 09:35 AM   #314
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

As I mentioned in another post, I cancelled my volunteering for today. Just today, to give myself a little stress break. Plus, I see my psychiatrist in the afternoon. I dislike seeing him after a stressful morning. I'm already excited. Everyone I know well knows that seeing my psychiatrist is among my very favorite things to do. My husband has totally known this since I even met my psychiatrist over 13 years ago. Yes, I definitely have a major transference going on. My psychiatrist totally knows this, too. I don't care! I even joke about it -- even with my psychiatrist. It doesn't affect my treatment negatively. I guess if it did, I would need to switch.

So today is another dreary day, but felt pretty good yesterday with no indigestion or heartburn at all. So far so good on that front, too. I am still sleeping a lot, having trouble getting up, but after breakfast I have decent energy. I am going to ask my psychiatrist to lower my Seroquel XR by 50 mg. A small reduction.

Yesterday my husband suddenly developed a major toothache. Our dentist was able to fit him in within hours. His tooth has to go. The dentist referred him to an oral surgeon for the extraction and tooth replacement. The bill will be about $5,000!!!!!!!!! Hubby and I talked about maybe just him having the extraction. It is a tooth that may not be that visible missing. The extraction should only cost a few hundred dollars. I told him that maybe he could wait until we move to France. Apparently such a procedure only costs about $2,500 there. Less than $2,000 in Czech Republic, where my husband is from.

Yesterday I put on music in my living room and must have danced for at least 45 minutes. It felt wonderful! I do realize that I miss that passion.
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OTHERS: Propranolol (40 mg), Synthroid (150 mcg), multi-vitamin, iron supplement (during periods)

Last edited by BirdDancer; 10-09-2019 at 11:11 AM..
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Old 10-09-2019, 01:25 PM   #315
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

Struggling to get up in the morning taking me 2 hours to surface from the sofa yes I'm still sleeping on my sofa. Once up just feel exhausted I ache all over.

I've been out 3 days in a row which I guess is a positive. However the girl I was out with today says I'm not accepting that I'm depressed. She says I'm depressed and that I'm thinking of getting a job but I can't just yet as I can't look after myself. I still sleeping on the sofa. I agree I'm not doing great but maybe I could get a job maybe it would be the making of me?

She knows a lot of things about me and says I'm hiding a lot and that I'm needing help. She says I need to open up and accept people want to help. She was saying nice things to me and tbh I felt I didn't deserve it at all. I mean why do people care.... I'm a nobody
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Old 10-09-2019, 01:30 PM   #316
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

Day started wrong. Way down and depressed and never picked up. Finally, gave up and went back to bed. Have not done that in forever. I feel better after getting up again, but am of course nervous. I hope today goes all right.
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Old 10-09-2019, 02:12 PM   #317
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Laura View Post
Struggling to get up in the morning taking me 2 hours to surface from the sofa yes I'm still sleeping on my sofa. Once up just feel exhausted I ache all over.

I've been out 3 days in a row which I guess is a positive. However the girl I was out with today says I'm not accepting that I'm depressed. She says I'm depressed and that I'm thinking of getting a job but I can't just yet as I can't look after myself. I still sleeping on the sofa. I agree I'm not doing great but maybe I could get a job maybe it would be the making of me?

She knows a lot of things about me and says I'm hiding a lot and that I'm needing help. She says I need to open up and accept people want to help. She was saying nice things to me and tbh I felt I didn't deserve it at all. I mean why do people care.... I'm a nobody
You're definitely a somebody or I've been talking to thin air all this time I think most people care because they wish the same for themselves. You'd help out a friend if the tables were turned, right?

I want to remind you that when you are manic you get very frustrated with people and feel they are abandoning you. Here you have a friend reaching out with what seems like genuine compassion and you're pushing it away. You are now the same person you were when you were manic even though a different aspect of you is at the forefront. You deserved a friend then and you deserve one now.

I think your friend is trying to offer you a hand. Please consider listening to what she has to say and take her hand. She seems to have good intentions and perhaps some insight you could use at the moment.
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Old 10-09-2019, 03:12 PM   #318
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

Yeah I would help a friend out...


I just feel like I don't deserve people or people being nice to me other than my family as we that's a given. They have been there all my life. My friends half if that of my life. I worry I'm going to hurt people. Become a burden on them. Be a royal pain in their butts. I'm not the best at this depression malarchy.

I don't like it as my friend is talking to my old boss at my volunteering about me. Apparently my 2 ex bosses are concerned about me as when I spoke to them it was alarming. Tbh I can't remember what I actually spoke about that meeting has for some reason been erased from my mind. I remember meeting my boss but I don't remember what I said to her.
My friend wants me to volunteer again at that organisation my bosses are from has been going on about it for a week. I'm constantly saying no. But she's on at me. I did 5 years there and in different roles.

My friend also has bipolar so I go through depressive spells with her as she has type 2 where as I'm type 1. But for some reason this depressive spell in me is different. I'm starting to feel like life isn't working out for me and hurting myself is the only way out. Which I know is frowned upon.
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Old 10-09-2019, 03:23 PM   #319
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Heart Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Laura View Post
Struggling to get up in the morning taking me 2 hours to surface from the sofa yes I'm still sleeping on my sofa. Once up just feel exhausted I ache all over.

I've been out 3 days in a row which I guess is a positive. However the girl I was out with today says I'm not accepting that I'm depressed. She says I'm depressed and that I'm thinking of getting a job but I can't just yet as I can't look after myself. I still sleeping on the sofa. I agree I'm not doing great but maybe I could get a job maybe it would be the making of me?

She knows a lot of things about me and says I'm hiding a lot and that I'm needing help. She says I need to open up and accept people want to help. She was saying nice things to me and tbh I felt I didn't deserve it at all. I mean why do people care.... I'm a nobody
HI there, Laura!

What is going on? Lol!

Someone wants to be your friend and you are playing "hard to get?"

Play "hard to get" with the guys!

Be friendly with the women who like you and want to support you!

Fern has made some great observations! I hope you can fully hear what Fern is saying!?

So, other than feeling like you are "nobody," what about starting friendships is scary or difficult for you?

I'll go first. I am often concerned I might let my new friend down.

How about you, Laura? What concerns do you have about forming new friendships?

I hope you will find a way to let your friend be a part of your life!

Much Love, Miss Laura!
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Old 10-09-2019, 03:32 PM   #320
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

Still low today but I wouldn’t expect a med change to work immediately. I had off with my son for Yom Kippur so it was a lazy day. I wanted to go to the grocery store to get ingredients for potato soup as it is a perfect soup day but I couldn’t bring myself to. And I couldn’t imagine having the energy to make it. So oh well. I went back to bed around 2pm for acouple of hours. I wish I could stay there the rest of the night. But I can’t.

Trying to be present tonight.
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Up and down again, like a rollercoaster. I would love to show you not all hope is lost.
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