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Old 10-09-2019, 09:20 PM   #341
yellow_fleurs
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

Visited family this past weekend and it was rough to see my grandmother so unhappy and feeling so miserable in the nursing home. Last night when I went to bed I just thought of her being alone in the nursing home and it made me cry. The trip itself took a lot out of me between the busy airports/flight anxiety, lack of sleep and running around, but I am glad I went. Now I am paying for it, though, and feeling very jittery, distracted, anxious, at work and having a lot of negative thoughts towards myself. I guess this is my new norm, any small thing will set me off and I'll feel terrible afterwards haha. Trying to stay positive anyways.
I am behind on everything, but hope everyone is doing well.
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Old 10-09-2019, 09:44 PM   #342
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

I had a rough morning and dissociated really bad. The PHP T couldn't get ahold of me when I didn't show up to group and with me feeling sui from the stress of the stalker crap, he called for a welfare check... So I was coming back from dissociation trying to convince a cop I'm okay and answer questions and make sense, the whole nine yards.
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Old 10-09-2019, 10:02 PM   #343
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

Well today has been troublesome.

I know the prednisone has been a factor in my not feeling ď all so solid ď but itís not all.

Yes my husband and I had a great talk so a lot of weight has been lifted. This time of the year is always tricky Bipolar wise, 80% of my IP stays are in the Fall/winter.. Iím doing all the selfcare possible.

We have a court date next week ( my husband thought it was tomorrow, Iím glad I studied the summons more closely) anyway itís about a hospital bill in a time when he had zero insurance or job. , Medicaid is not expanded in our state so no help anywhere. We were surviving off my SSDI.. The hospital would only break the bill down to 3 or 4 monthly payments. So almost 400.00 a month Payment ?? Totally impossible.

So my husband is furious ,frantic and ranting off and on since we got this 6-8 weeks ago.

Thereís just no blood in the stone to find.

Saw my T today and I really needed it. Iím feeling disconnected to things a lot.. not disassociate, just some disconnect. We discussed possibilities , I know one struggle is that Iím always on high alert looking for any sign my husband could be getting sick, he admits he just hasnít caught it early like I can.. so it does fall onto me to be hyper vigilant.

As I was trying to describe this disconnected feeling , Richard said he can understand that feel as he has noticed that ď feelingĒ occasionally in the last 6 months or so.

Heís 72 so he knows that things will change and he will need to decide when to make changes( meaning his stopping his lifeís work heís cut back to 3 days a week this past year) We have been together for 8 years so his age has always been apart of our relationship. So we kinda just sat with it for a while, both lost in thought.

I do know that when he does decide to stop working he will let me know right away so honestly we can both process that our work together is coming to an end. This could be in 5 months 8 months or a year. Thereís no definite idea.

I do worry about my life after Richard... I truly will not see another T.. Iím not going to regurgitate my life to bring someone up to speed. I tried it and it caused more harm than good.

My husband is very worried about my not having Richard. I know initially he thought I was going to divorce him and run off with Richard and I was like hysterical with that thought and quickly was a Ewwwww are you freaking crazy??? He finally realized that Richard and I are just very close, close because of mutual respect, he has helped me wade through a childhood full of csa, multiple rapes and assaults , so heavy stuff. Things I never told another person. Iíd never want to tell my husband about the many horrors, he would feel so much anger and no way to help me.

I guess Iím just trying to vaguely imagine how my life will change when that Wednesday @300pm safe place where I just can totally unload my head wonít be there. Heís always been there for me, I love his messy dusty office , it smells like a dusty ole bookstore itís one of my favorite smells , dim lighting, him wearing goofy ties his grandkids give him. Itís going to be a huge loss, I have learned so much about myself and by continuing my life using skills I have learned from him will be the only fitting thing and how to honor him and cherish years together

So yeah Iím kinda stuck in my head

Anyway thanks for reading my ramble
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Old 10-09-2019, 10:06 PM   #344
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

Quote:
Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs View Post
Visited family this past weekend and it was rough to see my grandmother so unhappy and feeling so miserable in the nursing home. Last night when I went to bed I just thought of her being alone in the nursing home and it made me cry. The trip itself took a lot out of me between the busy airports/flight anxiety, lack of sleep and running around, but I am glad I went. Now I am paying for it, though, and feeling very jittery, distracted, anxious, at work and having a lot of negative thoughts towards myself. I guess this is my new norm, any small thing will set me off and I'll feel terrible afterwards haha. Trying to stay positive anyways.

I am behind on everything, but hope everyone is doing well.


Iím sorry your in Such pain, itís understandable. I have worked in nursing homes and itís so hard on the patient having to accept being there and family coming that are so very sad for them. Iím sure she loved seeing you. Maybe you could start calling her often or send a card or a letter , something she could look forward too ?? Would probably help you also.

Be kind to yourself
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Old 10-09-2019, 10:07 PM   #345
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

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Originally Posted by childofchaos831 View Post
I had a rough morning and dissociated really bad. The PHP T couldn't get ahold of me when I didn't show up to group and with me feeling sui from the stress of the stalker crap, he called for a welfare check... So I was coming back from dissociation trying to convince a cop I'm okay and answer questions and make sense, the whole nine yards.


Iím sorry today was such a struggle. I hope tomorrow is a easier day for you
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Old 10-09-2019, 10:19 PM   #346
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

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Iím sorry today was such a struggle. I hope tomorrow is a easier day for you
Thanks, me too
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Old 10-09-2019, 10:19 PM   #347
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Red face Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

@~Christina

Quote:
Yes my husband and I had a great talk so a lot of weight has been lifted. This time of the year is always tricky Bipolar wise, 80% of my IP stays are in the Fall/winter.. Iím doing all the selfcare possible.
These 2 sentences speak volumes.

I am so glad that you have a husband to help you stay sane.I am glad that you feel better.
You are being proactive in self care....do you have SAD, seasonal effective disorder? Do you use a light box?

Thank you for all of the support you give.
I hope you sleep well at night.
((((((((HUGS))))))))
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Old 10-09-2019, 10:29 PM   #348
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Default Bipolar Check-In #38

Quote:
Originally Posted by bizi View Post
@~Christina

These 2 sentences speak volumes.

I am so glad that you have a husband to help you stay sane.I am glad that you feel better.
You are being proactive in self care....do you have SAD, seasonal effective disorder? Do you use a light box?

Thank you for all of the support you give.
I hope you sleep well at night.
((((((((HUGS))))))))
bizi


Thanks Bizi Yes I am very blessed.

I donít deal with SAD in a depressive way, I go hypo/manic in a couple days then itís all a dark angry rage-y irritable , self loathing, im a huge burden, wanting to plan my exit....

I truly hope I can stay up right again this season... I made it last year without needing IP Thankfully !
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Old 10-10-2019, 03:22 AM   #349
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

Hey Christina,

Everyone says a job isn't for me just yet as I couldn't handle it. I'm either too high or too low to do it. My benefits cover me until 2021. Which means I don't need to look for a job until then possibly. They don't expect me to have a job.

I'm just so tired took 2 hours to get up this morning
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Old 10-10-2019, 04:48 AM   #350
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Default Re: Bipolar Check-In #38

I'm so tired of this ****... The depression is hitting me hard again. The stress finally took its toll on me and caused the depression to come back full force. I was fine not even 8 hrs ago... Now... Now, I just want to isolate and not go to group and just wallow at home. But if I don't go to group I won't go to school and I need to go to school.

I missed all of last week. Both sessions of the class. It's just Tuesday and Thursday. That's it. I couldn't even do that last week with the stress of the stalker coming back. I made it to class Tuesday this week, but was having a really hard time focusing on anything. I haven't gotten anything done between then and now like I had hoped. But that will be fine. I'm not as far behind as I thought I was. Other students are in it worse than me...

I've already been feeling sui from the stress and lack of sleep... I didn't sleep again tonight. Not a wink. I'm tired but I can't make myself fall asleep. Add the depression on top of everything and I'm going to have no chance...

I guess I could go try to get a couple hours of sleep now. It's better than nothing. Maybe just lying down would help. I've already taken all the medicine I'm allowed for the night. So I can't take any more to try to help me sleep.
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