Bipolar Check-In #38

Argh !!!

Cold front has come through with lots of rain. My head has felt like exploding all day. I literally had to stay in bed until I finally dragged myself up to fix dinner.

Between my Fibro and PsA I swear someone has beaten me with a bat for hours.

Just a lousy day physically.

I’ve been dealing with so much acid reflux lately. Normally Zantac has always been my go to Med... but of course now it’s been found to cause stomach cancer in some it’s been pulled off the shelves..

I’ll need to find an affordable replacement, some are so expensive.

My husband didn’t sleep well last night at all and has been snoring away since dinner. And both are dogs are lying here snoring too !!!! Good grief they are all so noisy Hahaha

I did my volunteering today and feel the better for it. It was just with my Overeaters Anonymous group. I get there early and set the room up and open up and tear down and close up. Today i brought a textured "tablecloth" which is really a shower curtain that had never been used for the shower -- always for decor. It's bright white with ragged squares sewn in it for a very interesting effect. The women admired it and asked where they could get one. I put out faux yellow roses this time. Everyone thanked me and said i had a good sense of how to make things comfortable for women, with our keen senses of beauty and cleanliness. I went out for lunch with two of the women to a lovely restaurant i know of in the area and they were thrilled with the place as it is little-known and they have been going to a coffee shop which is not nearly as nice. So that was nice, to be of service and have a good time and a good meeting and meet new people and one of the women drove me home and we had a nice chat. I like her a lot.

My mood is good today. I studied the young men who are restoring my balcony today as other days one of them [who wasn't there today] has just swept me away with feelings as he is so excited in his movements and so dominates the large power tools and has such a sense of urgency and sometimes looks like he is going to lose control but never does. I feel compassion for him and overwhelming affection and even the faint stirrings of love. I talked to him once and he speaks as he moves with such vigor and volume and he used an apt metaphor so he is as bright as he is agile. I just love him. As a son, of course, as a young person i would like to help along in life. He is about 25. I can't think of anything appropriate i could do for him so i will just think on how i could help young people in general, perhaps some volunteer assignment in the future, the far off future as i have a lot of improvement to do on myself before i can be of service to others -- my physical and mental and emotional and spiritual health, all of which i did good hard work on today. Someday!

I have terrible anxiety. I’ve found that Seroquel XR in combination with Atenolol (a beta blocker that I take for my blood pressure) makes me a little less panicky. Not hugely so, but I’ll take the ‘little less’. I’m also allowed to take Valium (diazepam) on an ‘as needed’ basis but I’m not good at taking it.

I think long term, big picture-wise, that anxiety is handled best with a combination of meds, CBT and graded exposure therapy. Even then battling with anxiety, for me anyway, is an ongoing hour by hour battle.

Yesterday I got more exercises from my physiotherapist. She is trying to avoid another cortisone injection. As part of my recovery (and for fun) I’m about to go for a short swim. It is a beautiful spring day. If only I wasn’t so exhausted. Stupid Fibromyalgia.

After some tidying up I’m going to my parents for the night. Will be nice to have their company. Anxiety is still plaguing me. I think it’s a reaction to reducing my Lithium. Hopefully my nervous system will calm down soon. I’m trying not to take extra benzos to cope. The benzos I take regularly are to prevent withdrawals only as I’m hoping to slowly reduce my dose once I’m settled off of Lithium.

My loved ones have noticed how stable I am and are thrilled for me. It is also clear that the years of me being terribly unwell really impacted them. Without it coming from them I feel pressure to stay stable and not cause so much stress to everyone. I know that at least in part this is out of my hands but it does motivate me to work hard on my health.

Checking in, it's been an odd day.. dare I say mixed... maybe
The afternoon sky and outside was beautiful to me.. it's very fall where I am, which we don't get to see much of every year... it seemed so surreal at times. I have peaceful not real moments, if that even makes sense.. time eludes me too. I also, put myself up for a project at work, .. which will be ok ! I somewhat asked myself wtf am I doing, but I prepped a lot today for an easier future. (Hopefully). And it's something simple.

I noted some earlier occurrences today that I rather not go into atm here.. but very off... and not "ok".
I had my contagious laugh going on today too...
Now I'm a bit awake but I'll try to meditate tonight .. last night I was up and down.

I need to start planning for holidays myself ... but more on plans of keeping busy and safe. I don't want to be mixed again, I may have no Choice but I want to plan for limited triggers.. I am taking time off from work, dog watching at some point too, which I like to see the dogs they're my friends as corny as that may sound.
I think yesterday?My living sister texted me, very kind and encouraging... I'm leery still, me triggering her or her to me. It's delicate but am glad she reached out. We should meet again.

I can't believe it's only Monday night for me atm. This week at work is busy for me too.. and yet, I'm going off into "la la land " at times. Oi

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

This about sums up my situation coming up in 4 months..... **** me.

its 1:15 am and Im wide awake.... Headache and watching Are You Being Served?

Edit: its now 1:50 am. I feel like I need a shower.

I am still up, I may take a shower myself.
I've been a little productive because meditation didn't help.
Funny thing (not really)
I may get also double prints ... I had 1 of 2 pieces of an order get damage ... and I was very detailed (naturally) with I recieved 1 of 2 but not 2 of 2, and per carrier it's damaged.. and no it's not the other order that's still on it's way ((order 2 of package 1)).
It makes sense to me, but yet... I have to remember I deal with such convoluted things from time to time, just not personal.
Anyways it looks like they just submitted a whole reorder

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

It looks like I'm getting into a pattern: feeling withdrawn in the morning, stressed during the day so I push though it, and once the adrenaline wears off in the evening I'm withdrawn again.

Stress is good in a way because it helps me accomplish what I want which makes me feel better but it's also bad because it's stress. It's not the best way to feel better.

It's going to be stressful at work for several months so I need to find a way to cope and pace myself.

Thanks yeah I had to get off seroquel due to weight gain so I take abilify and thorazine now. I have taken atenolol before and it was helpful, maybe I'll see about getting back on that.

I'm doing a lot of mindfulness stuff and using coping skills which is helpful. I made it through yesterday without klonopin so that's good, and I slept well finally.

that's good you slept well, and it' great you made it through yesterday without the med.

congrats!

alive but depressed.

all their really is to say about today.. depression with very little energy.

I didn't even do that well in my alexa quiz (3 out of a possible 10)

Been having a bit of paranoia again. Goes back to a bunch of psychosis I had in the past. People outside my door. People upstairs making too much racket. Doesn't seem like anyone's been in my apartment and I don't sense being followed when I'm outside, so that's encouraging. Anyway, this is just my stuff. I'll get through it. I do think it was better on the Abilify, but had to d/c that due to the movement disorder thing, so, without an antipsychotic at the moment. Pdoc is talking about clozaril because of all the SI I have had, but, as I have said, I really do not want to go on clozaril. So, we'll see what happens. Hopefully this paranoia stays kind of in check today.

I find life to be so strange sometimes! I went with hubby to the oral surgeon. We had hoped he could have his tooth extracted, but the doctor said hubby's blood pressure was too high. Now we have to go to the GP to hopefully finally get some blood pressure medication for him. The GP had been reluctant to prescribe it in the past telling hubby to rather lose weight and exercise, but if the oral surgeon won't extract his tooth, something quicker needs to be done. So what's strange about today?

When I was waiting for hubby in the waiting room, I had my glasses off looking at my smart phone. The door to the office opens and I see this extremely tall man. I squint my eyes partially to see better and partially in disbelief. It was my psychiatrist! Imagine the coincidence????!!!! The office is near to his, so it's not out of the question that he would go to this oral surgeon, but I had no idea he, too, had a tooth problem. And to be there when I was there? It was only about 7 weeks ago that I ran into him going to the grocery store (again, not far from his office). Another time in the past, I ran into him at the hardware store. Again, close. A few months ago my husband ran into him at the swim hole. Now our town is not huge, but it's not a small town either.

Just woke up. Went downstairs earlier having tossed and turned hungry. Got to the kitchen and the stove clock read "5:58"! Now im up and its "12:55". Ugh.

My dad is in the hospital again.

I had encouraged my siblings to get permission from our dad for them to examine his mail. They have and have luckily discovered that his cronies have not significantly manipulated him, financially. We were worried about that. He has been giving loans to one man and another woman has convinced him to pay for two round trip flights to California from the east coast. He also bought her an iPad and several little things. There are other things, as well, but not very significant (buying art, etc.)

I am doing fine so far on lithium though I did call the doctor a couple days after having racing thoughts again, and he bumped up my dose a notch.

It's a wonderful feeling not to have 20 thoughts or fragments of them in my head all at once. I am now wondering how I managed to do anything for the past 20 years or so. I guess because it started off slowly, I didn't realize it was happening, and then it was happening all the time, so it became normal to me.

I've talked myself out of going shopping many times now. I really need new running shoes, and H said, it's OK, we can afford them even if our month was crazy financially. Today I thought about going, but I'm having some pain, and I decided it would be better to try on new shoes when I can practice a bit of normal walking and jogging in the store with the new shoes before making a purchase. I'll get emails for sales that I normally would open, but now because I don't need anything from the store and/or title of the email, I just delete it.

My memory is actually improved, probably because I am not thinking about so much at once.

I am also off the Clonidine, which made me super forgetful. I had been taking gabapentin for fibromyalgia, but I am not convinced it's doing a thing and might try dropping a pill or two just to see if it makes any difference. I know it makes me a bit tired, but that is all I really can say about it.

I got the job with the behavioral school, like I was pretty sure I would. I will most likely start November 4. So I will tell my current principal that I can’t work as a sub anymore tomorrow. Finally, a full time job. And I will still be able to take my son to school in the morning.

I hope this job is less stressful. I’m not convinced it will be but I can try. Maybe with my new meds I’ll be able to stay out of depression. We shall see!

Edited to add: I just made an appt with my primary care physician to get my diabetes symptoms checked. I hope we can figure out what’s going on.

Just got out of the hospital...

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

@childofchaos831 welcome back!