Bipolar Check-In #38

Visited family this past weekend and it was rough to see my grandmother so unhappy and feeling so miserable in the nursing home. Last night when I went to bed I just thought of her being alone in the nursing home and it made me cry. The trip itself took a lot out of me between the busy airports/flight anxiety, lack of sleep and running around, but I am glad I went. Now I am paying for it, though, and feeling very jittery, distracted, anxious, at work and having a lot of negative thoughts towards myself. I guess this is my new norm, any small thing will set me off and I'll feel terrible afterwards haha. Trying to stay positive anyways.
I am behind on everything, but hope everyone is doing well.

I had a rough morning and dissociated really bad. The PHP T couldn't get ahold of me when I didn't show up to group and with me feeling sui from the stress of the stalker crap, he called for a welfare check... So I was coming back from dissociation trying to convince a cop I'm okay and answer questions and make sense, the whole nine yards.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

Well today has been troublesome.

I know the prednisone has been a factor in my not feeling “ all so solid “ but it’s not all.

Yes my husband and I had a great talk so a lot of weight has been lifted. This time of the year is always tricky Bipolar wise, 80% of my IP stays are in the Fall/winter.. I’m doing all the selfcare possible.

We have a court date next week ( my husband thought it was tomorrow, I’m glad I studied the summons more closely) anyway it’s about a hospital bill in a time when he had zero insurance or job. , Medicaid is not expanded in our state so no help anywhere. We were surviving off my SSDI.. The hospital would only break the bill down to 3 or 4 monthly payments. So almost 400.00 a month Payment ?? Totally impossible.

So my husband is furious ,frantic and ranting off and on since we got this 6-8 weeks ago.

There’s just no blood in the stone to find.

Saw my T today and I really needed it. I’m feeling disconnected to things a lot.. not disassociate, just some disconnect. We discussed possibilities , I know one struggle is that I’m always on high alert looking for any sign my husband could be getting sick, he admits he just hasn’t caught it early like I can.. so it does fall onto me to be hyper vigilant.

As I was trying to describe this disconnected feeling , Richard said he can understand that feel as he has noticed that “ feeling” occasionally in the last 6 months or so.

He’s 72 so he knows that things will change and he will need to decide when to make changes( meaning his stopping his life’s work he’s cut back to 3 days a week this past year) We have been together for 8 years so his age has always been apart of our relationship. So we kinda just sat with it for a while, both lost in thought.

I do know that when he does decide to stop working he will let me know right away so honestly we can both process that our work together is coming to an end. This could be in 5 months 8 months or a year. There’s no definite idea.

I do worry about my life after Richard... I truly will not see another T.. I’m not going to regurgitate my life to bring someone up to speed. I tried it and it caused more harm than good.

My husband is very worried about my not having Richard. I know initially he thought I was going to divorce him and run off with Richard and I was like hysterical with that thought and quickly was a Ewwwww are you freaking crazy??? He finally realized that Richard and I are just very close, close because of mutual respect, he has helped me wade through a childhood full of csa, multiple rapes and assaults , so heavy stuff. Things I never told another person. I’d never want to tell my husband about the many horrors, he would feel so much anger and no way to help me.

I guess I’m just trying to vaguely imagine how my life will change when that Wednesday @300pm safe place where I just can totally unload my head won’t be there. He’s always been there for me, I love his messy dusty office , it smells like a dusty ole bookstore it’s one of my favorite smells , dim lighting, him wearing goofy ties his grandkids give him. It’s going to be a huge loss, I have learned so much about myself and by continuing my life using skills I have learned from him will be the only fitting thing and how to honor him and cherish years together

So yeah I’m kinda stuck in my head

Anyway thanks for reading my ramble

I’m sorry your in Such pain, it’s understandable. I have worked in nursing homes and it’s so hard on the patient having to accept being there and family coming that are so very sad for them. I’m sure she loved seeing you. Maybe you could start calling her often or send a card or a letter , something she could look forward too ?? Would probably help you also.

Be kind to yourself

I’m sorry today was such a struggle. I hope tomorrow is a easier day for you

Thanks, me too

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

@~Christina

These 2 sentences speak volumes.

I am so glad that you have a husband to help you stay sane.I am glad that you feel better.
You are being proactive in self care....do you have SAD, seasonal effective disorder? Do you use a light box?

Thank you for all of the support you give.
I hope you sleep well at night.
((((((((HUGS))))))))
bizi

Thanks Bizi Yes I am very blessed.

I don’t deal with SAD in a depressive way, I go hypo/manic in a couple days then it’s all a dark angry rage-y irritable , self loathing, im a huge burden, wanting to plan my exit....

I truly hope I can stay up right again this season... I made it last year without needing IP Thankfully !

Hey Christina,

Everyone says a job isn't for me just yet as I couldn't handle it. I'm either too high or too low to do it. My benefits cover me until 2021. Which means I don't need to look for a job until then possibly. They don't expect me to have a job.

I'm just so tired took 2 hours to get up this morning

I'm so tired of this ****... The depression is hitting me hard again. The stress finally took its toll on me and caused the depression to come back full force. I was fine not even 8 hrs ago... Now... Now, I just want to isolate and not go to group and just wallow at home. But if I don't go to group I won't go to school and I need to go to school.

I missed all of last week. Both sessions of the class. It's just Tuesday and Thursday. That's it. I couldn't even do that last week with the stress of the stalker coming back. I made it to class Tuesday this week, but was having a really hard time focusing on anything. I haven't gotten anything done between then and now like I had hoped. But that will be fine. I'm not as far behind as I thought I was. Other students are in it worse than me...

I've already been feeling sui from the stress and lack of sleep... I didn't sleep again tonight. Not a wink. I'm tired but I can't make myself fall asleep. Add the depression on top of everything and I'm going to have no chance...

I guess I could go try to get a couple hours of sleep now. It's better than nothing. Maybe just lying down would help. I've already taken all the medicine I'm allowed for the night. So I can't take any more to try to help me sleep.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

I am feeling irritated

someone asked me today " so why do you have depression?"

apparently " it's part of bipolar" isn't a good enough reason

urg

If anyone truly knew what caused it, we'd probably be able to fix it. All anyone has is guesses and we're still fumbling in the dark. All we have is band-aids that are full of holes and are no longer sticky.

I got up at 630! Woohoo! Not like yesterday. Blah

They want you to tell them your problems so they can feel better.

Happy World Mental Health Day to everyone!

Oh, I have to say that I feel sad reading that so many people are struggling or have major stressors coming up. I'll admit that after a bit of an "up" yesterday, I have dipped below euthymic today. My thinking has been all over the place. Sometimes I feel I have an incredible clarity of thinking, and then other times I feel totally blocked. I feel a bit of a block right now, so apologize I can't respond to everyone I'd like to. I am sending hugs to everyone who needs them, though.

yellow_fleurs, I am sorry your grandmother is so unhappy. I know the pain of seeing someone you love in that state of mind. I try hard not to totally drive myself to depression thinking about how my father is feeling. He's probably home sleeping right now, after drinking himself to sleep. When he wakes up, he'll likely start drinking again until he sleeps again. He's depressed, too, and we worry so much but feel utterly powerless in terms of helping him. I told my psychiatrist yesterday that I just no longer know what to say to him. I'm so overwhelmed that I can't even bear to see him, as horrible as that sounds. For a moment, I sensed my psychiatrist was judging me for that, but then I put it out of my mind quickly because my mood was quite "up".

Christina, money issues are utterly horrible to have to deal with. I'm sorry you're dealing with them, too. I guess my husband and I should still count ourselves lucky, but money will determine the directions of our lives. It is one that I am so sad about. It's one I feel guilty about, too. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty about my illness putting us in our current position, but that guilt flits around in my mind between my attempts to block it. Dang, I also fully understand the sadness of losing (through retirement, move, or other means) a trusted and liked therapist. I've experienced some grief these last few years because of that. I did find a really wonderful new therapist, though. They are out there. Now I look back at all of the gifts the select few have given me in the past and try to recognize this new and interesting phase of my recovery that I'm in now. My psychiatrist is probably one of the people in my life I've most adored and appreciated, outside of family members. He is likely 73 years old now. He once told me he never planned to retire, which made me so extremely happy. However, his is not young. Plus, my husband and I plan to move far away in a few years. I think about that often. I wish that I could have him as a pen pal when that time comes, but that will surely not be.

The first time I told my psychiatrist that my husband wanted to move to Europe he practically yelled "Dont do it!" That was maybe three or four years ago. I remember that halfway thrilled me and halfway made the prospect of moving even more painful. I even talked about his statement with my then therapist. I asked "Should he have said such a thing to interfere in my life?" In response, she said very little or even somewhat agreed with him. Even worse? Leaving him will be like a death in my close family. Please no one judge me, but I wonder if it will be even harder than when I eventually lose my father. These last 13 years, my psychiatrist has given me more (in a certain way) than my father. I will almost feel like losing my psychiatrist will almost be like losing my mother again. I'm frightened of that.

I am really on a different side of the mood chart today than I was yesterday. Yesterday I convinced my psychiatrist to lower my Seroquel XR by 50 mg to 550 mg. Reductions and increases as little as 50 mg actually make a big difference for me. The intention was to cut down on some of my sleeping, but it has cut down my positive mood too much. Of course it's not even 24 hours since that reduction. I have to be patient. Last night I couldn't fall asleep until almost 2 am, and got up around 7 am. That's too little sleep for this lady. Maybe tonight I'll sleep better since I am not nearly as racy as yesterday.

I'm constantly hungry on abilify, it's driving me crazy so I'm trying my best to distract myself. I've been eating healthy it's just annoying being physically hungry 24/7. I assumed it was the thorazine but apparently abilify isn't as weight neutral as ]was initially thought. I'm doing my best to manage it.

Well, I think I figured out part of the reason I had such a hard day yesterday. It turns out, I was out of one of my medications. I was so tired when I woke up and took my meds that I didn't even realize it was time for more Provigil. Totally spaced it until this morning, when I realized what had happened. Unfortunately, I had a text from my pharmacy this morning that they won't have it in until tomorrow after 4 pm, which means I will miss yet another day. That is going to be hard.