Bipolar Check-In #38

I am very sorry you are having to deal with this.
i do understand your concerns re: using clonazepam. I 've had clonazepam prescribed for well over 20 years. It sounds like we've handled it much the same way. I took it when I needed it and set it aside otherwise. I have never been addicted to it. I had stopped it completely cold turkey last Fall.I was able to do so because I had been able to limit/stagger my intake.

I do think it wise to be thoughtful about using it. It can exacerbate depression, on top of all else.

At the same time, anxiety, especially anxiety attacks, can become self-perpetuating if/when they are not interrupted. In these cases, it might be helpful to use the clonazepam, in order to stop the cycle.

I am sorry, I forget, do you use a journal? I ask only because writing often helps me to identify triggers , to identify things contributing to or exacerbating my symptoms.

I had stopped journaling. In recent emails to a friend, I have "downloaded" within my email response(s), for which I am embarassed. I did experience some insight, some revelations, through writing. I did not mean to do this in an email though. I need to go back to my journal!

Iam glad you are here with us. You contribute so much to this community!

I am having an okay day. Kind of "all over the place." I feel I have many stressful things going on in my life right now. I need to limit the triggers and build in more opportunities for FUN!!! I find I spend too much time attending to responsibilities. Even though they need a certain amount of attention, there may be a more efficient way to handle things, leaving me some time/energy to invest in "playing!" I did not even take enough time to play when I was a child. I think I need to learn how to play everyday!!!

I am open to suggestions on what people do to "play." I need some ideas.

Love to All!

Thank you WC

I do journal, I actually just got done writing in it a minute ago It's possible there are triggers. Like I need to get a new showerhead and have maintenance come over, I need to go to the dentist since I'm having some tooth pain which I'm worried about but I don't have money for the bus so I'd have to walk a couple miles there, and I'm almost completely out of food for the month so I need to go to the food pantry tomorrow. I know those things don't seem like much but they give me massive anxiety

I'm trying to come up with a plan for how to handle all this and get everything done

Hey WC,

Thank you.... my Sister got back yesterday afternoon. I went to her flat then the family went out for dinner. I saw her today too as she took today off her work. Staying at her flat tomorrow night.

I had my regular meds but they weren't helping. Over the weekend I wrote a letter to my sister in case I did something at some point in my life. I know its morbid and I shouldn't do it but I was miserable and thought I needed it. I have been hurting myself a lot again I know it's stupid. But it's the way I was feeling.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll get my meds plus I'm seeing my nurse in the afternoon. I'm like do I complain about the length of time I have had to wait on my meds or not??

Hey Blue_Bird!

Those seem like valid triggers to me! I could be very triggered by your list. Financial stress is a huge one!

I recall living as a student in an area outside of the college I was attending. I was working full-time and I had to give 90%nof my money to the school each month. (I was a self-supporting student. I was limiiting what I would take out in school loans.) It was very stressful. I could not just go to the cafeteria to eat, necessarily. I do have some meal tickets; yet they were limited. I was very thin then! I'd needed glasses and would have to find an additional job to buy them. etc. I was lucky, I did not have to see the dentist during those years. I am making up for it now!

Just when I thought my days of very limited means were over, I became very ill with physical conditions and had to go out on disability. I was single then. I had no income while insurances fought over who owed me money. I also had to apply for SSDI. It was required by the insurance company. I was trying to live on $162.00/month (General Relief) until my disability claim was approved. I had to sell anything/everything I had. Once I had my disabiity pay, it helped, but it was not enough to live on. The benefits were also lacking and/or terrible. There were so very many expenses that insurance would not cover. It was a nightmare. It IS a nightmare for many people. ;(

Fortunately, I had a lot of training in surviving on very little income, as I had grown up in poverty.

All of this to say: I do know your concerns can cause an incredible amount of stress. I understand how financial stress can be very discouraging and can cause an enormous amount of anxiety. It is very difficult to resolve financial stess, as in many situations, income is fixed and despite the increasing bills, no additional monies will be arriving anytime soon.
I feel for you and I hope it, somehow, gets easier!

Hi!

I am glad you had time with your family!

I am concerned, of course.

So, what did you do with the letter?
Are you going to get rid of it?
What would your sister do without you?

I am sorry you have been stressed enough to hurt yourself.
Do you feel getting your meds will be helpful in stopping hurting yourself?
Or is hurting yourself driven by other challenges?

Sure! I think it is healthy for you to voice your concern and your disappointment to the medical staff. Can you do this while keeping your cool? I think your voicing this to the staff is much more healthy than harming yourself because of the situation. You deserve to be allowed to express yourself.

If you are unsure of how you would like to tell them of your disappointment, you could rehearse it a bit before your appointment.?

it's great to hear from you!!

Let us know how it's going!

My scopes went well. Nothing obvious is wrong but they took biopsies that probably will be fine, thank God. Next is waiting for pathology. I'm too tired to type more but thanks for all the support. You are all the best.

PS, Moose, this stuck in my head when I know lots of other comments didn't. Yes, I could chicken or beef broth and it was Delicious. I can't even spell that so I'll respond to other comments tomorrow. I'm STILL running to the bathroom from time to time so hoping that I can actually sleep tonight. I think last night 20 minutes was the longest I got.

Thanks Christina. I agree, nature has a major effect on my mood. I am trying to decide on some activities to do. I have some hobbies like playing the violin, but when depressed I tend to not be in the mood. However, I am thinking about trying some dancing like contra dancing. I don't know much about it, but it looks like it's a fun social dance that doesn't require a lot of experience to get started. So, I think that could lift my mood since I enjoy dancing and be a good way to be social.

Thank you

Yes, finances are very stressful. I'm currently on SSI and after my bills are paid I have $37 left for the entire month which goes towards necessities and I have foodstamps which is good bu it's still tight. I'm on waiting lists to get into a rent assisted apartment so hopefully by early 2020 something comes through. Thankfully in the winter I get help with my heating bill

Oh do I understand that nonsense It’s like an cardio workout )

Glad you were able to at least get some. Hopefully tonight you can catch back up on sleep

So I made it through the worst of the anxiety today without klonopin. I had to use tons of coping skills.
-Reading
-Playing with my cats
-Drawing
-Music
-Cleaning
-Praying
-Videogames
-Journaling
-Looking at recipe ideas for desserts for November
-Aromatherapy
-Showering

I seem to be calming down somewhat

I'm wondering about long term anxiety meds, like something that helps panic. I was on clonidine which helped immensely but was taken off it when I was having blood pressure issues with that combined with another med. Don't see my doctor till the middle of next month though. I wonder if I could get back on that or a beta blocker since my thorazine was decreased and I'm not having dizziness anymore

I think the boundaries you have put up in regards to your Father is what you needed , you have to take care of yourself.

Family holidays .. they get so complicated with who can go there or not with whom. I’m sorry you have to try and find a way to do anything.

Don’t blame you at all for just getting the hell out of town for Thanksgiving.

Hopefully you can find a day to celebrate both birthdays. Ahhhh your cookies !!! What a wonderful gift to receive. You put lots of work and much love into them. Be damn proud of yourself.

Well your struggling to get enough sleep so that right there will increase anxiety. Maybe take klonopin for a couple days and it might get your sleep back on track. Sorry your struggling

That’s awful that you are having to wait so long I hope that by tomorrow you will have it all straight and in your hands to start taking.

I’m glad it went well ! Yes , I think we all need that feeling of giving back

My interview went well today. If hired I would be a one to one side with a student with behavioral difficulties. I’m used to doing that. I forgot to ask what the staff hours are though. If it starts at 8am I’ll be good, I just have to drop my son off at school and jump on the highway and I’ll be there in 20-25 minutes. I’ll be getting there JUST on time. If it’s sooner than 8am I’ll have to see if my mom will take him in the morning again. She probably won’t be happy but she will do it I think.

I’m so hungry. I really need to call my dr. I’m tired of being hungry and thirsty and exhausted. I slept for twelve hours both days on the weekend and I was still tired. I just need to see if I get this job and find out the hours. Then I’ll be able to know when I can go in.

Pdoc and therapist tomorrow. Haven’t seen either of them in two weeks. My therapist will be shocked that I am looking for yet another job. She’s going to think I’m nuts. I needed a full time job though. I can’t just sub for the next few months. It doesn’t pay enough. Plus there’s no insurance or anything.

Sigh. I hope I don’t have any nightmares tonight. The night before last every dream I had was scary.

Yes you do need to find time for play.. for just enjoyable things... what those could be ??? For me recently it’s been mostly TV shows, reading and trying out new ideas in the kitchen.

I have been able to spend more time out doors since our weather is finally getting cooler.

You and I both struggle with physical limitations so that knocks a lot of things off the top. I have some great adult coloring books that were a daily thing. When we spent that time in Florida even tho I brought them along with a great set of gel pens I just never picked it up again. Maybe you could try it ?

Last winter I spend crocheting scarves. I have far to many now lol

I know the jewelry shows your enjoying , learning of artists and there stories..

I’ll keep thinking !

Yes indeed you need to find fun stuff, your having to deal with far more “ adulting” than you should have too ... but that will eventually get wrapped up.

I’m so glad that mess is over with !!!

Enjoy the much needed sleep you will get tonight !

Ahhh Dancing !! That sounds like fun ! Yes a great social activity