maybe six feet aint so far down

Also, your poem was beautifully written!

BirdDancer, Your reply was very well written. It's amazing how much you know yourself so well and how good your memory is. I cannot remember anything hardly. Thanks for going into detail. It's given me a lot to think about. I am still researching the meds and honestly have gotten to the point where I am sick of researching. I think I need to quit for a while and just come back to it. But you know how a bp mind works. sometimes we just have to have the answer right away and it doesn't stop until we get it. so yeah that kind of thing has been happening. I am trying to stop myself when I find that I am sitting down to just surf the web and look at pc posts and I end up going back to looking at the meds. I have also noticed that some of the stuff I have found off of pc's site are b.s. and most likely paid for by the makers most likely. It never ceases to amaze me how differently one drug affects one person so differently than that of another with us bp.

Fern, you are so lucky to be off meds. I know for myself that that can never happen. I know that I have to take meds and if I don't very bad things happen. In fact I know that for sure because I actually tried to go off meds a number of times and always wound up sorry for doing so. I don't want to go into detail about those times right now. You have also given me some things to think about when it comes to the meds and in general. I think your story of the well is sticking with me in my mind that you wrote the other day. It is helping me to have something to think about. Thank you for writing that out to me. I still have your flashlight and I am going to hold onto it,

cashart10 I know how meds can be sedating also. Although I am not sure I have ever felt drunk on them. My mind is terrible at remembering things. So maybe I have and I just don't remember. I appreciate your reply also. Thank you for the compliment. Seroquel seems to be popular on these forums lately. I have never taken it and I don't know anyone that takes it. I remember my grandmother taking it when she was alive. She had pretty bad dementia. It seemed to help her, but cant be sure for fact as she is now gone and when someone has dementia is very difficult to know what the truth is, especially when it comes to medicines. She used to pretend to take her meds and hide them under her tongue. Later we would find them under her pillow. I miss her a lot.

You all make me really think at times and I need that in my life. It is much easier to think and type than it is to reach out and speak to someone. I have a lot of trouble in being blocked and bottled up with emotions.

Birds, Thank you. I haven't written in a very long time. I am not sure if there will be more to come. But I had to get It out of me. I have been very depressed and feeling so low that the only thing as you know that comes to mind is to end it all so the pain stops. But, I am reminded that the pain would never stop for others if I do that. I hope that we both get out of this hole that we are in. Fern has a flashlight for you also. Please take a moment read her post that she wrote me her on the first page.

I just started taking Klonapin again after a very long time. This is why it was having this effect. My husband told me to go lay down as I was having slurred speech and almost falling. This was around 8 or so if I remember correctly. But, then I got to messing around on my phone and ended up waking up a bit. I still only made it until around 9:30 or so. But yeah, Klonapin always knocks me out. It doesn’t always keep me that way but it always knocks me out. I used to take 4 MG and that was the effect of only 1 MG!

You are absolutely right. I am incredibly fortunate to be well off meds even if it only lasts for a period of time. I have lived both sides of it now. It is a wonderful gift of an opportunity and I promise to use it wisely. I am doing everything my strategist brain can come up with to stay well. In some ways I feel like I owe that to all of the people who need meds and would kill to have that chance. I'm going to do my very best not to let you down! I have been given smuch beautiful support and I intend to repay the favor.

I want you to keep that flashlight forever. Some very wise people along my path taught me how to make them for myself. I have another. I was also loaned candles, headlamps, lightsabers and the service of lightning bugs. I have an abundance of light sources at the moment and it would be a waste not to offer what I can freely give. You will one day have an abundance too and I know you'll pay it forward. I've seen you offer your light freely to others here. You just did this for Birds. You just forgot you were carrying light already

I am glad what I offered can help in some small way. I know you now see I am batting a bit out of my league on the depression front and I was concerned what I had to offer wouldn't resonate. I was even more concerned I might do you harm. I saw a friend in need though and decided to jump in with my best intent forward. It makes me happy to know you picked something useful up. Flashlights for everyone!

Well, I have never taken that med, it seems strong for such a small pill. I have noticed that the smaller the pill, the stronger the effect when starting new meds and it stays that way sometimes. Of course then you figure in absorption with food and what not. Its good your husband looks after you the way he does. I wish I had that kind of thing. I do have my mother though. But you know, its not the same. I still appreciate her though. She is a good person and does her part. I do the same for her. We look after one another. I know how messing around with your phone can quickly pass the time. I find that happens when I am looking at posts here on pc. My normal bedtime is 9pm and I am pretty good about not going past 9pm. Thanks for your reply. Its nice talking with you.

Fern. you radiate a very kind soul when I read your posts. It is very nice to be chatting with you. I appreciate the support you have shown me as well. I know that you have gotten me back from some bad places already in the short amount of time that I have been here on pc. I very much appreciate that also. It's not every day that that kind of thing happens. But when it does it is priceless. Hopefully things work out for you so you do not need meds. But don't forget, there is no shame in taking pills. Even if for a little while. Meds are an important part of who I am and I accept that. even though sometimes I despise them and want to flush them all down the toilet. I actually did that once. It wasn't a good thing to do. So that wont happen again. I didn't know you had lightsabers. I want one of those too. I will keep your flashlight also and try to offer one to others that I see struggling here when I can. Thank you again for your support and your analogy of the well. It was very visual and it did just the right thing at just the right time. I wont forget your kindness.

You are most welcome. I enjoy being here and I also enjoy your presence. I hope to cross paths with you often.

You nailed it. There is zero shame in taking meds. I needed them for a while. I wasn't going to come out of psychosis on my own. I am very grateful for the help they offered me in my time of need. I won't hesitate to return to meds if it is necessary to keep me healthy. Meds were like a light in my own well.

Lightsabers are a great tool for slaying the monsters we cross as we travel the well. They also keep us entertained with the cool noises they make You can have one of those too. You'll make it for yourself when you're ready to slay just like the jedi do.

I was just explaining to someone today that I really enjoy working with analogies. I worked in IT for years and often used analogy to explain complex technical concepts. In situations like these I find they help your brain to focus on abstract thought and less on the emotions and thoughts you're stuck within. It helps you process and analyze your situation in a new way and allows new insight to come forward. Plus it is just a lot more fun than using typical rhetoric. I'm a big fan of fun and try to work it into even the most dire situations. Actually, it is most important to weave it into the darkest of scenarios.

Keep climbing BipolarWolf. You'll move back down here and there. It only makes sense as sometimes we have to revisit levels a number of times before we master them. It's all good as long as you always remember how to climb and look up.