maybe six feet aint so far down

drop me in a casket already, bury me deep so I cant feel anything, or burn my body I don't care, take these pills and shove them, don't give me air, let me go so I won't feel, save your prayers and your kneel, I was damned when born, afflicted with a disease, my soul cold, frayed, exhausted and torn, let me go from this cruel, dark place, I don't want to be here anymore, its too much to bare, don't be sad for me, its my wish to be gone, don't you see? I am just done, save your tears. unless its to drown me, so many wasted years, I'm on the ledge, just a few steps, It wont hurt much, let me finally go there, its ok, don't worry, I'm not scared, I know just the right touch, or maybe just a blade? ring around the neck with a rope, I crave so many different ways, too many pills, things are getting blurry, take your time, you don't have to hurry, this is what I want...

You write beautifully. I can deeply feel where you are. I sensed your energy shift about two weeks ago, but I didn't know it had come this far. I feel like I let you down a little. I am really very sorry for that. Do me a favor though a humor the good people here who will undoubtedly want to assist now?

I can appreciate that you aren't afraid. It is best not to walk with fear. There are other factors to consider here though. You are a deeply loved son and father. You may not be around to see the after affects, but what you are suggesting will cause a lifetime of pain for your mother and your son. You love them both and I can imagine that you would not want to trade your own pain for theirs. You're a good man and I know you can see the darkness in that route. You don't want them to suffer like you have.

You do want this pain you are in to stop. How can we do that? Honestly, I'm not sure. It is very complicated and different for everyone. I do however, hold hope for everyone that they can lead a happy and a full life. I hold hope for everyone who is depressed that the deep well they are in does in fact have a bottom AND a ladder. The choice to use the ladder is so much more interesting than sitting on the bottom. It is varied with multiple layers to explore. It requires you to walk back through the pain you endured on the way down, but you get to leave it behind on the way back up. You can even climb out one day for good and discover new land. You cannot do any of that from the bottom. All you can see from there is a crushing darkness. It is heavy and cold and it repeats. How truly boring! I climbed down with you today to offer you my flashlight. I cannot stay where you want to stay, but maybe you'll take it and see that the top of your well isn't as far away as you think. Maybe you'll see the climb isn't as hard as your mind wants you to believe it is.

If you are serious about what you wrote you need to be serious about getting on your ladder. Take someone's hand. Now is the time for help. It may be time to go IP for a while. Maybe IOP/PHP. Maybe you need a med change, but please reach out and do it now. Call your pdoc and your T. Go stay with your mom for a while. Don't be alone. Go to the emergency room if you need to. Call a crisis line. All of those are good options. There's no shame in any of them.

My young son is facing a potential scary medical diagnosis this week. He is upset and he doesn't understand why all of this would happen to him. He thinks he was cursed. I lovingly explained that we cannot control the cards we are dealt in life. We can only control how we play the hand from there. He may be staring down a lifetime of meds and nobody wants that, but I explained we do what we have to do to live. I explained mommy didn't want her brain to break and lose her mind. Mommy didn't want to take meds and I didn't ask for any of those cards, but I did what needed to be done to live so I could have more time. I did it because the sad part of my story was only a part of my story and because I wanted time to draw new cards. There are new cards out there for you, but you cannot see what they hold if you fold your hand early.

I imagine the mods will help you flag this post, but you need to add a trigger warning to it ok?

I couldn't possibly say it any better than Fern has. Please get help ASAP, BipolarWolf. Your brain is lying to you right now. Big time. Depression does that. Please, please heed Fern's advice.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Thanks Fern, that was just a poem that came from my head. I haven't written any poetry in a very long time. probably around 15 years at least. its sort of a journaling thing.
So, I am surprised as well that I wrote it. I am not in any danger. I appreciate your reply to me. I liked your ladder analogy. I just saw my t yesterday. Im in a very long depression that they are working on. If I feel in danger I will come back and reread your reply. I appreciate very much that you replied.

I will keep your flashlight for now.
I hope all goes well with your son. That is not an easy thing to face.

Thanks IZ, I will if I need to. Right now everything is ok.

That was beautiful, fern46. Thank you for writing that. I will be along with you both with that flashlight and the ladder, pulling BipolarWolf back to brightness.

I know such desperation, BipolarWolf. I absolutely do. However, I'm telling you that life does get easier. Bad depressing times, mixed episodes, psychosis, and many other damned lousy painful as hell experiences ease. Don't let the illness kill you. It would then win, and you and everyone else who cares about you would lose severely. I know such a loss. We lost my nephew because of bipolar disorder. If only I could put on a search light and bring a ladder to fetch him, but it's too late. If I reach out to grab his hand, nothing is left of him to hold on.

Thanks BirdDancer. I am working on getting out of this depression.

Geez bro! Don't scare a girl like that I'm so grateful you are safe.

Thanks for the well wishes. We're possibly dealing with epilepsy and the doctors are running tests.

the struggle is very real. i would be lying if i said that these weren't real thoughts and feelings in me. and not just some poem i made up. there are med changes coming again.
the doc was talking about adding Geodon, lamictal, Seroquel, abilify, or something else. she gave me the choice to research them. not sure which way i want to go. i have heard that abilify works nice with ssri's. and its difficult to know what to choose

You may have already looked, but there is some great information about each of those meds in the bipolar treatments sub forum. It may help to have some testimonial experience to lean on. Also, it is a great place to get advice if you have any specific questions.

yes i have looked but there is just so much and my brain is overloading. not to mention all the other sites i have been on. i don't know what to do. i know i need to make a choice for my upcoming appt nov 4th, but i should probably get in sooner than that. due to today. i don't know what the right way to go is with these meds. this will be adding a new med. very stressful as i am sure you can understand

I do understand. I only ever took one med at a time and I remember the process of making changes feeling overwhelming at times. I wish I knew more about these meds and their interactions. There is a lot of good information on each of them individually, but we're missing the data to analyze the efficacy of specific combinations. Furthermore, the results are different for everyone and it is almost impossible to know what is best here. No offense to your doctor, but I feel like you're on a bit of a fool's errand.

Your doctor is the one with the expertise in prescribing medicine cocktails. Perhaps leave the decision up to your doctor at this point. I think sometimes med decreases should also be considered. You're on a pretty heavy mix. Sometimes less is more.

There's of course nothing wrong with going with your gut. Set your intent to make the best decision you possibly can and then mentally prepare yourself for the possible outcomes. Try to become comfortable with potential issues coming up and be ready to invest the time needed for things to work themselves out. You already know this can be a long and sometimes painful process, so hold on tight and trust that you're making the best choice you can. Your doctor gave you an impossible decision as success relies on you being able to know the unknown. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and also don't expect your doc to nail it the first time around. Do what you can and then spend your mental and emotional energy on things you can do that will absolutely improve your situation. Practice mindfulness. Continue doing your therapy work. Eat well. Exercise. Focus on coping skills that are enjoyable.

I think every single one of the medications your psychiatrist mentioned have great potential at pulling people out of depression. Obviously individual experiences vary, but that's a number of choices. I can understand it feeling overwhelming to have to make a choice. If you really can't, you can always ask your doc what their gut tells them.

I have taken (or in the case of two, am still taking) all of those medications you mentioned. All were helpful at easing and/or preventing depression, for me. All are unique, though. If you have any questions, do ask. As fern suggested, there is more info in the "Bipolar Treatments" sub forum, but know that often people emphasize negatives over positives, and sometimes unfairly.

You write so beautifully. I feel exactly the same way every single day for the last three months. I do want to be gone and I dont want anyone crying for me because IT IS WHAT I WANT ! I am tired of going through this cycle of being hypomanic and then depressed again. After that the different medications search to get me out of these states...
I dont want this all my life!!!

Thank you ladies. I figure that if I did this much research. I might as well make a choice and pick one, I know what you are saying though. I have read a lot. like, a lot. It's hard to tell what the effects are for one person vs another because it doesn't mention what they are also taking and/or other substances etc. so, it's still up in the air. I would greatly appreciate any opinions you might have of the four I mentioned though. Thanks for your replies.

You're doing all you can. Hopefully you can feel good about that. Your energy is moving in a good direction!

Of the four you mentioned I've only ever taken Geodon. I was started at 20mg which is the lowest dose they make. Ibelieve most people take it twice a day in a range of 60-80mg. It is best taken with food. I remained stable, so I never went up past the one dose of 20mg. I am not sure what all symptoms it is indicated for, but I was on it to keep me stable after an episode of psychotic mixed mania.

I started taking it in the moring and it kicked my butt. I felt like a zombie at about 11am each day and I needed a nap to make it through. I think I remember maybe BirdDancer mentioning that the sedating effects are less at higher doses. I know she has experience with Geodon. Anyway, my doctor then switched it up to have me take it at night and I never had any problems with energy after that. My thoughts were clear and I could feel my emotions properly. No delusions or hallucinations.

I did experience weight gain. I started at a healthy weight and put on 8 lbs in two months even though my eating and activity levels were the same. I ended up droping my calorie intake and doing circuit training 5-6 times a week and I was able to get the weight back off. I did not have any other side effects.

I recently weaned off and did a slow taper and that was successful as well. I am experiencing very vivid and sometimes disturbing dreams, but that has been the only real issue. I've been off completely for two weeks now.

I wish I could be of more assistance. I'll be sending good vibes that you and your doctor get it right on the first try.

Thanks Fern, great reply as always. Just the kind of feedback I was looking for. I am really trying to pull myself up out of this deep dark well I am in. But at the same time I am becoming fatigued and more depressed. I am leaning towards Geodon/Abilify or Seroquel. I read that Geodon has less side effects but has a tendency to cause an irregular heartbeat. I am not so much worried about that though. Its just something I read about. So you mean to say you are not on any meds ? or am I reading things wrong?

Hi BipolarWolf. I'm happy to share my experiences with the medications you listed, but I will add that I know many people who experienced some differently than I did.

Geodon - I took this medication twice in the past. The second time was for about 6 1/2 years. I'm not really sure how much it lessened my depression (I had been depressed when I started it the second time), but it sure didn't exacerbate it. As fern46 mentioned, it can be quite sedating in the beginning. As fern also wrote, it stopped being sedating after a while. Like most, I started at a low dose, and went up. I mostly took 160 mg per day (80 mg morn/80 mg evening) for almost all of the years I was on it. It was somewhat helpful for my mania, but it eventually fell short in that respect. I needed a second antipsychotic added to tame my manic beast. As for other side effects, there were ZERO until five years in. At that point, I started to develop akathisia. The akathisia grew worse and worse. I had to stop it. Geodon is known for having difficult withdrawal symptoms when weaning off. It did for me. The akathisia did go away as I was taken off. Geodon was weight neutral for me. In fact, I had even lost 40 lbs, dieting, soon after starting it, and maintained most of that weight loss for years. I had heard of the heart issues. I never experienced them, but would recommend anyone on Geodon have annual physicals and occasional EKGs. I did.

Lamictal - When it comes to getting rid of depression, I think Lamictal is about the best moodstabilizer. When Lamictal was added to my Geodon and Lithium, about 9 years ago, my depression quickly went away after having had a year of severe depression and ECT. It was really a hero medication for me. Actually, for me, Lamictal can be a bit too activating. It's not helpful for my mania at all, so I rely on antipsychotics with it. I'm lucky that I only need 100 mg (a small dose) for the purpose it serves. I have basically ZERO side effects from 100 mg Lamictal. I had taken up to 300 mg years before. That higher dose gave me some cognitive dulling. I know people with bipolar 1 that are very well served by Lamictal, but I think it's best known as a bipolar type 2 medication. Back when I took the 300 mg, I took it only with Abilify. I ended up hospitalized with psychosis after a most delightful "honeymoon period" (elated hypomania to mania).

Seroquel - Seroquel regular and Seroquel XR have their bad points and truly great points, for me. I call them my "Do everything" medications, because they are helpful for curbing my anxiety, depression, agitation, and mania, and also help me sleep. Frankly, no other medication I have tried did all of that. Both Seroquels can be quite sedating, but like Geodon, the sedation eases over time. My mother always said "Patience is a virtue." Patience can be required to wait for your body to adjust to Seroquel. For me, it was worth it. I happen to prefer XR (extended release) over the regular release. I find the XR slightly friendlier when it comes to weight gain. Once I adjusted to the sedation effect, it was weight neutral for me up to about 500 mg. Seroquel regular was not as weight friendly, but likely because many take it twice per day. Seroquel XR is usually only taken at night. I say also that the sedation "peaks" are different. My only other gripe about Seroquel/Seroquel XR is that I think they increase my cholesterol. Other than that, they're great. They are comparatively less likely than other antipsychotics to cause akathisia (or other EPS) or hyperprolactinemia, and related issues. That big! That doesn't mean no one gets these conditions from Seroquel, but I haven't. I have been taking Seroquel XR for about 7 1/2 to 8 years now. I take regular Seroquel "as needed", but at much lower doses than my XR. Many years ago, I took regular Seroquel as a base med for about 1 year. To avoid morning "hangover", I take my Seroquel XR at 7 or 8 pm, at the latest. It used to knock me out quick, but now it takes a few hours.

Abilify - I believe Abilify is helpful at curbing depression. For many, it is great for both depression and mania control. It was not effective at controlling my mania (see Lamictal above). For that reason, I was taken off of it. I found Abilify weight friendly, but I have heard others say it wasn't for them. My sister takes Abilify and seems to like it. She is much heavier than me, even though I take Seroquel XR, a more notoriously weight unfriendly medication. [I have about 4X her energy.] I did develop akathisia from Abilify. My sister never did. I took Abilify for maybe 6 months only. My sister has taken it for years.

For my particular "flavor" of bipolar disorder type 1, I would say that my most useful medication to date has been Seroquel XR, despite its negatives. Others wouldn't say that.

It sounds like this round of symptoms wishes to keep fighting with you some more. It is a good thing you are so strong. I think depression seems to play ugly tricks with your mind to have you believe it keeps getting worse and worse. You cannot fall off the floor! Keep reminding yourself of that.

Yes, you are reading that correctly. I went 38 years in a stable and happy state. I started experiencing some delusional thought last year when I was going through a period of PTSD when some previous abuse memories surfaced. I was also volunteering in a field that required me to do some research into some very depressing and dark subjects. I was trying to help children who were being abused, but it broke my mind after two years of non-stop focus on my work. The delusions ramped up and it turned into full blown psychosis one weekend. I was completely out of my mind. I only remember bits and pieces. I had to be taken from my home and hospitalized. I came down very quickly once medicated and the delusions and hallucinations stopped. This all happened last year in early November.

My doctors diagnosed me as bipolar despite the fact I have never had mood swings. They put me on Risperdal and then Geodon when the side effects from Risperdal were too much. I went to IOP and then therapy and I did all I could to adjust my lifestyle and avoid triggers. I've been stable ever since I was released from the hospital.

My doctors aren't really sure what to make of my case. They now claim I experienced 'brief reactive psychosis'. After 9 stable months on meds at the lowest dose they agreed it was time to see if I could thrive without the meds. I was a bit anxious to try because I am deeply afraid of another episode. The first one was very traumatizing for my family and I never want them to suffer like that again. I agreed though it was time to try so I tapered off. So far it is going well. I am still practicing all of the non-med related methods I learned to stay healthy and I plan to do so for life. I may be one of the lucky people that experience a breakdown and go on to live without additional symptoms but there is only one way to know...

I have a lot of empathy for what you are going through, but I do not understand it in the same way. I can only understand it in the way that I know what it feels like to have little to no control over your mind. I know how helpless that can leave you feeling. My heart is with you and I learn a lot from you every time you share. My hope is that I can assist by providing an outsider perspective as sometimes a pattern of 'other than' can help us when we are stuck on repeat.

Thank you both for your replies. Very nice of you. I just woke up from a nap. I need to get moving to go pickup my son. Its movie night! I will probably have time later or tomorrow to reply more in depth. I really needed that nap. I am Sorry this reply isn't longer. Thank you both for replying! Your experiences/stories made me feel good and also to have someone talk to me. I love it when it is my time with my son. I call my son my best medicine. BirdDancer, your reply is a good one for the meds I am looking at. Thank you for sharing. and Fern you must be really lucky to be off meds completely. That must be a relief all in its own. I'm actually jealous of that. Ok, gotta cut this short. I need to get going now. Thanks again ladies.

Hello! I just want to drop a note about these meds as birddancer did as I, too, have taken all of them. I would go into detail (and I perhaps may tomorrow) but in the meaning this will short as the klonapin is making me feel intoxicated. Seroquel, if any, has been my miracle drug. However, that’s because my manias are more severed than my depressions. I was prescribed Lamictal for my depression (although years ago6) and it seemed to work a lot.