[cashart10]

Sorry but I just can’t stop running my brain. I just got higher and higher as the day went on. My pdoc increased my Seroquel to 600 (from 400) MG and decreased my Wellbutrin by 150 MG. I was cool enough around my husband that he didn’t take my keys (I also didn’t tell him about the med changes just yet because then he would definitely take them) so I did go to that support group although I have to admit I was far too stimulated and exhilarated to drive on the way there. I was singing and dancing to Pearl Jam and Charlie Daniel’s Devil Went Down to Georgia. I am shocked my husband let me drive as he asked me no less than 5 times today if I was getting manic. I am wondering if that is why I’ve had no difficulty waking up and staying up these last few days.

I really liked the support group but I know my mannerisms and dynamic speech really stood out because between the speeding (I won’t even go there), music, and excitement/nervousness for the meeting, I was soaring.

I am already tired. So, that’s a good thing. I just pray I don’t sleep until 3:30 in the afternoon again tomorrow. Please just give me some type of balance!

[fern46]

I think it is time to be honest with your husband. The truth is you do have several warning signs that mania is creeping up. It has been coming on for days and new symptoms are showing themselves. You're going through a time of great change in your life with stepping away from work and it makes sense your mind and body are having this reaction.

Your mania sounds pretty severe when it happens and it sounds like your husband is trying to protect you and your family. You need to let him. His job is difficult and scary. Please don't male it harder for him. Tell him about your med changes and give him your keys. You could have found other ways to get to your meeting last night if you were thinking clearly, but you aren't. You are taking on risks that are unnecessary.

My great hope is that someone will see my pattern shift and give me the tough love needed to wake me up a little and nudge me in the right direction if I am ever hypomanic or manic again. I'm offering that here to you. Take action now. Don't put your husband and your children through more than they need to suffer.

You like driving in this state, so I'll give you a driving analogy. You're running all of the yellow lights and now they are turning red and you keep blowing through them. Get out of the car before you hurt yourself or someone else. Stay safe. You were smart to reach out here and be honest. You're trying to help yourself. Let that side of you win this time, ok?

[cashart10]

Thank you fern! I ended up telling my husband that my doctor said IF we thought I needed it I could take it. So, a little white lie I know but I hate to make him feel like he can’t trust me. He wanted me to take it but he was afraid it would make me sleep all day today. He told me to take it anyway.

Fast forward to today. I woke up at 7 to get the kids on the bus. At around 8:30 my mom (who is looking after me today but not home right now) told me I needed to go back to sleep for an hour and a half or so to ease into that Seroquel. Well, here I am, still laying here...my body feeling tired but my brain not shutting up. When I first tried to fall asleep, I saw these crazy looking men with gas mask looking things on their faces, almost like half fly/half men on the back of my eyelids. That went away without me even noticing but just a while later I started to see myself falling down a rabbit hole, like the one in Alice in Wonderland. And, you know the invigorating feeling you get when you go over a hill too fast in your car? It just kept on and kept on. I may have fallen asleep and slept 15-20 minutes after that because my playlist from this morning stopped and I don’t remember that happening. But after that little bit, no sleep will come...and I didn’t sleep great last night either.

Hi cashart. I'm glad you were honest with your psychiatrist. I'm sorry you feel you can't be 100% with your husband, although I do fully understand that you don't wish to worry him or have significant rights taken away because of illness. I'd be a hypocrite if I said I never told my husband a white lie.

I hope the 600 mg helps. I can't speak for you, but sometimes when my Seroquel XR dose goes up it takes a couple days for it to really do what it is supposed to. Perhaps it will work the same for you. 600 mg is a drag, whether IR or XR, but for some reason it now seems to be my normal dose that I take more often than any other dose.

I wrote a blog post a long while back called "That driver is definitely loopy! Watch her do a loop de loop." The content is fairly short, so I'll include it for fun.
-----

Anyone that’s read my blog knows I love to dance. Sometimes I crank up the music in my car and have a blast and drive real fast! Yea, I definitely sing my heart out. Being in the driver’s seat don't prevent me from dancing up a storm or shout. A favorite song gets me hopping in my seat, waving my arms, slapping the steering wheel like a drum. I put my foot on the clutch, shift that stick, step on the gas pedal moving my whole body, and shifting my bum . Vrooooom, vroom, vroooom, vroom, vroom, errrrrrt! Don't worry, nobody ever gets hurt.

I have plenty of favorite songs from classical to jazz to rock and roll, but there are a few that when driving, particularly move my soul. Do you want to hear my all-time favorite car jamming tunes? I bet a lot of you know them by heart, too. To listen to them at the volume I sing them, turn the volume WAAAAY up, my chum. Perhaps if you heard my voice you’d start howling, but alone in my closed car window world, I’ve got a voice as cool as they come. You better believe those in the passing cars, and those behind them, think I’m super loopy. But I don’t care if I'm seen, because I am the ultimate dancing queen!

Sometimes while the song is playing, I’m approaching my home destination. I’m not yet ready to stop the party, so I pass my street, and do a loop de loop. Sometimes a new great song starts just after the last, so you might find me circling the neighborhood, improvising my new route...just like they do in a jazz group. At that time, I turn off the radio and finally head home. I pull into my garage with my heart beating fast. I sit a few moments more, and recover from the jammin' dash.

My Sharona by the Knack

Mickey by Toni Basil

What is your favorite driving song, cashart?

[fern46]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you fern! I ended up telling my husband that my doctor said IF we thought I needed it I could take it. So, a little white lie I know but I hate to make him feel like he can’t trust me. He wanted me to take it but he was afraid it would make me sleep all day today. He told me to take it anyway.

Fast forward to today. I woke up at 7 to get the kids on the bus. At around 8:30 my mom (who is looking after me today but not home right now) told me I needed to go back to sleep for an hour and a half or so to ease into that Seroquel. Well, here I am, still laying here...my body feeling tired but my brain not shutting up. When I first tried to fall asleep, I saw these crazy looking men with gas mask looking things on their faces, almost like half fly/half men on the back of my eyelids. That went away without me even noticing but just a while later I started to see myself falling down a rabbit hole, like the one in Alice in Wonderland. And, you know the invigorating feeling you get when you go over a hill too fast in your car? It just kept on and kept on. I may have fallen asleep and slept 15-20 minutes after that because my playlist from this morning stopped and I don’t remember that happening. But after that little bit, no sleep will come...and I didn’t sleep great last night either.

I'm glad you were mostly honest with him

I know the feeling of the intrusive images when you are trying to sleep. I also sometimes get songs playing over and over in my mind. It definitely makes it hard to sleep. I often try prayer. That helps sometimes.

Maybe try a few things today to get your brain to focus more on the present moment and less on the racing thoughts. I know it is hard. Maybe something with your hands and your mind like baking or gardening. Cleaning or art projects. I'm sure you'll find something.

I truly hope the Seroquel helps even things out soon! Hang in there. It sounds like you have a lot of good support.

[*Beth*]

Please don't feel bad about your "little white lie." Honestly, I believe that being honest with your psychiatrist was most important. Are you able to give your husband the keys, rather than him taking them from you? As in, "I'm somewhat concerned about how I'm feeling - here are the keys."

I'm asking that question because while all else you've described is not (yet) dangerous, the driving issue is extremely concerning.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Hi cashart. I'm glad you were honest with your psychiatrist. I'm sorry you feel you can't be 100% with your husband, although I do fully understand that you don't wish to worry him or have significant rights taken away because of illness. I'd be a hypocrite if I said I never told my husband a white lie.

I hope the 600 mg helps. I can't speak for you, but sometimes when my Seroquel XR dose goes up it takes a couple days for it to really do what it is supposed to. Perhaps it will work the same for you. 600 mg is a drag, whether IR or XR, but for some reason it now seems to be my normal dose that I take more often than any other dose.

I wrote a blog post a long while back called "That driver is definitely loopy! Watch her do a loop de loop." The content is fairly short, so I'll include it for fun.
-----

Anyone that’s read my blog knows I love to dance. Sometimes I crank up the music in my car and have a blast and drive real fast! Yea, I definitely sing my heart out. Being in the driver’s seat don't prevent me from dancing up a storm or shout. A favorite song gets me hopping in my seat, waving my arms, slapping the steering wheel like a drum. I put my foot on the clutch, shift that stick, step on the gas pedal moving my whole body, and shifting my bum . Vrooooom, vroom, vroooom, vroom, vroom, errrrrrt! Don't worry, nobody ever gets hurt.

I have plenty of favorite songs from classical to jazz to rock and roll, but there are a few that when driving, particularly move my soul. Do you want to hear my all-time favorite car jamming tunes? I bet a lot of you know them by heart, too. To listen to them at the volume I sing them, turn the volume WAAAAY up, my chum. Perhaps if you heard my voice you’d start howling, but alone in my closed car window world, I’ve got a voice as cool as they come. You better believe those in the passing cars, and those behind them, think I’m super loopy. But I don’t care if I'm seen, because I am the ultimate dancing queen!

Sometimes while the song is playing, I’m approaching my home destination. I’m not yet ready to stop the party, so I pass my street, and do a loop de loop. Sometimes a new great song starts just after the last, so you might find me circling the neighborhood, improvising my new route...just like they do in a jazz group. At that time, I turn off the radio and finally head home. I pull into my garage with my heart beating fast. I sit a few moments more, and recover from the jammin' dash.

My Sharona by the Knack

Mickey by Toni Basil

What is your favorite driving song, cashart?

Thanks for sharing your post! I can relate entirely! My favorite driving song is probably:

I’m a Believer (the Monkee’s version of course) YouTube

And yes, I’m hoping this increase of Seroquel helps despite my disdain for it. I feel currently like an animal caged in a zoo.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by fern46

I'm glad you were mostly honest with him

I know the feeling of the intrusive images when you are trying to sleep. I also sometimes get songs playing over and over in my mind. It definitely makes it hard to sleep. I often try prayer. That helps sometimes.

Maybe try a few things today to get your brain to focus more on the present moment and less on the racing thoughts. I know it is hard. Maybe something with your hands and your mind like baking or gardening. Cleaning or art projects. I'm sure you'll find something.

I truly hope the Seroquel helps even things out soon! Hang in there. It sounds like you have a lot of good support.

Thank you! Unfortunately, I didn’t find much to do. I took a shower that lasted about an hour. I tend to do that if I’m manic or teetering....I tend to have delusions about water. I also went to my mom’s house but there I mostly just paced back and forth singing. I am at least about to make dinner. Hopefully that should help. I’m thinking about texting my t just because I feel like I’m going to burst. I know I need to give the Seroquel a few days but OMG...I am going to explode!

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Please don't feel bad about your "little white lie." Honestly, I believe that being honest with your psychiatrist was most important. Are you able to give your husband the keys, rather than him taking them from you? As in, "I'm somewhat concerned about how I'm feeling - here are the keys."

I'm asking that question because while all else you've described is not (yet) dangerous, the driving issue is extremely concerning.

Thank you! He already asked my mom to pick up my daughter this morning and asked me not to drive today and I agreed. My daughter and I walked home from my mom’s (who just lives around the corner) which was a nice, however short, release of energy.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you! Unfortunately, I didn’t find much to do. I took a shower that lasted about an hour. I tend to do that if I’m manic or teetering....I tend to have delusions about water. I also went to my mom’s house but there I mostly just paced back and forth singing. I am at least about to make dinner. Hopefully that should help. I’m thinking about texting my t just because I feel like I’m going to burst. I know I need to give the Seroquel a few days but OMG...I am going to explode!

I also had a reaction to water while manic. I had delusions about it as well. Strange business. Maybe set a timer on your phone next time you shower to remind yourself to get out quickly.

Texting your T sounds like a good call. How do your kids do when you get like this? Does it scare them? I completely freaked my small children out when I was manic. I had boundless energy and I was lots of fun until everything took a dark and scary turn.

I'm glad it is the weekend. Will your husband be home with you?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by fern46

I also had a reaction to water while manic. I had delusions about it as well. Strange business. Maybe set a timer on your phone next time you shower to remind yourself to get out quickly.

Texting your T sounds like a good call. How do your kids do when you get like this? Does it scare them? I completely freaked my small children out when I was manic. I had boundless energy and I was lots of fun until everything took a dark and scary turn.

I'm glad it is the weekend. Will your husband be home with you?

My oldest is familiar with my illness. She’s almost 12 and she can certainly tell when I’m up and even does fine with my bizarre behaviors. What she struggles with is firstly when I’m depressed and uncontrollably tearful and secondly when I’m very manic and become enraged. I don’t think it’s ever been directed at my kids (the only times I can ever remember being that angry with them they were little and I went in the basement and banged my head against the wall—equally insane) but I do lose my mind and since I am by nature an extremely patient person, it is shocking to her (to all three of them actually). Thank goodness it is rare! My oldest claims to not even remember the last time I was hospitalized and she was 6. My son has autism (although fairly mild) and I think his traits from this make my strange behaviors go straight over his head. He just doesn’t notice things until they are extreme. My youngest has just turned 6 so her reaction is closer to my son’s. But, she does worry. It gives her anxiety and when my husband tries to settle me or redirect something, she gets defensive about me.

My husband is a dictator about my showers. If I start to obsess over showers, he will time me and limit me to 2 half an hour showers per day. This is because I once took a 6 hour shower. I thought the shower water was holy water and the Holy Spirit was casting out demons. This scared the **** out of him and he is terrified most of all of this particular instance reoccurring. So now he immediately calls my pdoc if I start to obsess about water. I will also believe it’s Holy water I’m drinking and drink gallons a day. I know that when he’s not around I should also do the 1/2 hour timer but it’s so hard to do when all of me is saying otherwise.

My husband works on the weekends. But, my mom lives around the corner and helps out if I need it when he’s working if I’m not well (and sometimes when I am well because she’s awesome like that. &#128525!

[Moose72]

Your water bills must be enormous! Six hours? How did the water stay warm?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Your water bills must be enormous! Six hours? How did the water stay warm?

I honestly don’t think it has had a significant impact on my water bill.

For years, I believed that even though the experience was purely psychotic, (and, sometimes when I’m manic I go back to believing it was a miracle) the Lord kept the water warm so I wouldn’t get harmed. My therapist however, told me recently that it is exactly like being high on drugs. I had no inhibitions and my perception was entirely altered. It had never even occurred to me to think that way and no one in my life who knows or previous therapists have ever mentioned it. I remembered the skin on my back burning and itching the following morning (shower was in the middle of the night) and thinking it was from the demons leaving my body. I wrote about the experience in an email I sent to a spiritual advisor (she was TERRIBLE for me!!!) as soon as I got out of the shower as I was beaming with excitement. It was insane!!! I’ll gladly share the experience:

I just took a 6 hour shower and the water never got cold. It started out as relaxing but quickly I was getting and then Letting go of all this "junk" I didn't even know I had. After this, I felt freer than I have ever felt in my life and my life made sense. I praised Jesus repeatedly and then I spoke in tongues for the second time. And, then I realized, that the "angry spirit" I had experienced really was God. Well, as soon as it dawned on me that this had been the Holy Spirit, I started coughing violently. I went down to my knees and started seeing stars. My husband came in and asked if I was OK, I told him I was great. As I was standing there, it dawned on me that I had been praying for him to take my fear and pride. I said, almost jokingly, anymore revelations? Then quickly added, Please. I then said "take it Lord, take it" and then just started repeating it over and over. Then I said "ANGER. Take it Lord!" And then I started coughing again. So I was pacing in the shower, head and hands in and out of the water , raised up, lowered to my head. I said, "anything else?" And I remembered self hatred, shame, guilt. And I asked him to take those and then started coughing again immediately after. My head was clear the whole time. I asked "What else Lord?" And then I just started praying passionately that He would do this kind of work in my husband, brother, all of my family that needs it. My husband coughed in the other room as soon as I stopped praying, as soon as! The whole time I was praying I kept lifting my hand up to the water, down to my head. I asked, "Anything else?" He told me to sit down. I did. I put my head on my knees and started breathing in the water. It sounded like it was boiling as it was falling on my hair. I started snorting the water and blowing it out and then i was doing it furiously. Then He told me to drink the water so I put my head back and did it. I drank until I knew when to stop. The water burned my eyes, nose, and throat. And a few seconds later, I started to vomit. I did this exact thing three more times. My husband heard and came in again to check on me and asked if I was OK. I said yes. He asked "how is the water still hot?" (It had been hours at this point). I said "uh, it's the Holy Spirit, just leave and close the door." He did. A few minutes later, he walked in the door and I said "no, please go!" I then started to think "how disrespectful of him" but I immediately realized it wasn't him. I then started to laugh and started to tell this demon it was so clever but I stopped myself and said "Lord, take this fear from me." And then I said it over and over and over. And I started furiously telling him to take the fear. He told me to stand back up so I did. I just kept saying "Lord take this fear from me." And then I started walking into the water with my head back, mouth open, drinking the water. I did this over and over until I knew when to stop and I started vomiting again. Then, I turned around and I started to throw my head and shoulders back and forth and around and swinging my arms--but it wasn't me. And then I sat down, well, practically fell down. And then I didn't feel his spirit anymore, I felt afraid. So I said "YOU DID NOT GIVE ME A SPIRIT OF FEAR AND I WILL NOT BE AFRAID." And then I kept saying Lord, take this fear from me. But I was huddled on the bathtub floor feeling afraid and I was going back and forth from total fear (this whole thing is in my head and I have lost my mind) to boldly saying Lord, take my fear. Then, suddenly, I didn't feel afraid and I was told to turn off the water. I didn't want to, I was begging God to take the fear, but he lovingly insisted I turn it off. I did.

[*Beth*]

Thank you for explaining your shower experience.

Wow. I have never realized that anyone else with BD has the water thing. For 2 weeks, one week ago, I was washing my hair 2 times per day. It felt like a holy ritual I was chosen to perform. And it was a sensual experience. The washing, conditioning, towels...all the scents and products and warmth (blow dryer)...all of it.Yet, I was upset because my hair is thick, wavy, and already very dry. The frequent washing was killing it. It was so dry and out of control that I went and got it cut, which is a relief. I think I can make it to Sunday evening without washing it (I washed it yesterday).

My therapist told me, a couple of months ago, that had she not known better she would have thought I was high when I've gone into session manic. For some reason, her words had a tremendous impact on me. I, too, started thinking...considering how bipolar disorder can easily mimic addiction.

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thanks for sharing your post! I can relate entirely! My favorite driving song is probably:

I’m a Believer (the Monkee’s version of course) YouTube

And yes, I’m hoping this increase of Seroquel helps despite my disdain for it. I feel currently like an animal caged in a zoo.

I definitely remember that song. It's fun! That brought back nice memories. Thanks, cashart!

I hope the weekend brings some relief.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Thank you for explaining your shower experience.

Wow. I have never realized that anyone else with BD has the water thing. For 2 weeks, one week ago, I was washing my hair 2 times per day. It felt like a holy ritual I was chosen to perform. And it was a sensual experience. The washing, conditioning, towels...all the scents and products and warmth (blow dryer)...all of it.Yet, I was upset because my hair is thick, wavy, and already very dry. The frequent washing was killing it. It was so dry and out of control that I went and got it cut, which is a relief. I think I can make it to Sunday evening without washing it (I washed it yesterday).

My therapist told me, a couple of months ago, that had she not known better she would have thought I was high when I've gone into session manic. For some reason, her words had a tremendous impact on me. I, too, started thinking...considering how bipolar disorder can easily mimic addiction.

It’s crazy that you, Fern, and I all had delusions about water and that is just on one post. I wonder how common that is?!!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by cashart10

It’s crazy that you, Fern, and I all had delusions about water and that is just on one post. I wonder how common that is?!!

I'm wondering the same. I would not be surprised if water connected with mania and/or psychosis is common.

I'm having a harder time than I thought I would with not washing my hair this afternoon. I feel like I'm not being baptized or something similar. I'm sticking with washing it tomorrow, but yeah...I feel fixated and like I'm not obtaining the rewards for fulfilling a purpose.

Anyway, how are you doing?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm wondering the same. I would not be surprised if water connected with mania and/or psychosis is common.

I'm having a harder time than I thought I would with not washing my hair this afternoon. I feel like I'm not being baptized or something similar. I'm sticking with washing it tomorrow, but yeah...I feel fixated and like I'm not obtaining the rewards for fulfilling a purpose.

Anyway, how are you doing?

I’m doing ok. Still a little high but reasonable.

I hope you’re doing a little better as well!

[fern46]

Originally Posted by cashart10

It’s crazy that you, Fern, and I all had delusions about water and that is just on one post. I wonder how common that is?!!

My therapist told me about a psychiatrist that said mania and psychosis in the mind works like a switchboard. There's a pattern and many patients report similar experiences. So there's a switch that turns on the driving really fast symptom. There's a switch for stripping naked. There's a switch for feeling like your room is bugged and one for the magical powers of water. There's a switch for talking to God, etc.

I'm not sure how accurate that is, but it resonated with me. I have only been around a short time and I see a lot of the same delusions repeated by different people. My therapist says she sees patterns in her patients as well.

For me, that brings a sense of comfort that I possibly experienced a common brain malfunction rather than some sort of unique experience. Patterns are easy enough to watch out for. You can also potentially reason with yourself if you realize what is happening is a symptom and not some sort of mystical life alterning experience.