Bipolar check in #39

I'm doing well, I'm excited because I can get food tomorrow and I haven't had any food in the house the past week other than pancake mix and a couple cans of vegetables. It's getting very cold here, was extremely windy today, had to turn the heat on.

Watched a bunch of the Michael Myers movies for Halloween yesterday. Pretty much just relaxed and enjoyed the day. Of course I ended up having a dream last night where Micheal Myers was after me lol

Monday I have an appointment at my college which I'm bringing the paperwork I need to them, my case manager is taking me. So I'll be glad to have that taken care of. I'm signed up for a turkey basket too, you get a free turkey for thanksgiving with all the stuff to make sides.

I'm hoping maybe my sister and I can go get coffee at Denny's next weekend to just chat and hang out a bit.

My concentration has been bad but I'm working on improving it. I read about 50 pages of my book today.

Need to start doing some holiday themed drawings, I haven't drawn in about a week because I was so tired due to a medication change.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

My mom used to make beef stroganoff. It was yummy! She used cream of mushroom soup, wide egg noodles, hamburger and milk.

50 pages! That's a lot.

That sounds like a nice speedy comfort food version, Moose! If mine was that quick, I'd probably make it tonight. I'm afraid mine is much more involved. Hubby wouldn't be happy with anything but my usual, I'm afraid.

I called in a refil on the ambien cause I have to wait two more weeks to see the doc. He filled it but at only one pill a night. I'm so tired that I have a blistering headache, but tonight I will sleep. The ambien had better work since I haven't had any for a while.

Paid bills today. Did laundry. Talked to a friend on the phone. Thinking of cooking dinner soon. Comcast sent us a new faster modem. I have to return the old one asap. (Maybe tomorrow.) N2 is setting up the new modem. Or was- she appears to be taking a break right now.

Seems like a good day. Then why did I have this dream last night?

Geez I'm really sick. I got up in the morning to get coffee and just barely made it back to my bed! I had the feeling that I was going to black out.

I've been sitting around for the day and I feel fine as long as I'm sitting. When I get up I feel horrible.

I did get permission from my pdoc to increase my Mirapex a few days ago, so I've done that by titrating over the past several days. I'm hopeful that things continue to improve since I have noticed really subtle changes.

Downloaded my brain scans today, along with the neurologist's report. Some minor stuff, but nothing to get alarmed about. I needed that before getting a sleep test to rule out organic problems. Now, if I can convince somebody I probably really need a polysomnogram (PSG) and/or multiple sleep latency test (MSLT) instead of a home sleep test for sleep apnea (which I probably passed, since they said if they didn't call everything was OK).

mybrain.jpeg

Handsome brain, huh?

Feeling somewhat better today, maybe the Prozac is working, although I'm still ready and rarin' to go tackle a needed task or two but just can't get going. Still feeling wrung out like an old dishrag, no spirit here at all. At least the sudden random crippling neurological pain from those problems in my spine has become a full-time aching, although it keeps moving around-- that I can cope with (hopefully...I will probably have to live with it the rest of life).

The sudden random intense need to sleep is still here. It's a strong pulling sensation, kind of like when you need to go to the bathroom right now!.

I really need a nap right now! but everyone else went out and left youngest grandson in my care. I guess I'll watch/read the news, that should scare me awake.

Feel better soon

Your brain looks HOT!!!!!!!

I hope you feel better soon, randal. The news is disturbing for me, too. I've taken a little break from it.

day 2 of Effexor, my doc told me it was activating but it makes me very sleepy. I always tend to get abnormal side effects.

Got jarred out of sleep at midnight last night to a weather warning - tornado warning! we don’t get many tornadoes here in NJ so I was scared. I didn’t jump out of bed and get my son and run to the basement, but I wanted to. I just didn’t want to wake him. So I laid in bed listening for wind and anything that could indicate a tornado. I didn’t relax until the tornado warning was lifted at 12:30. Thankfully I didn’t have to work today.

I’ve gotten everything together for my new job except getting my surgeon to sign off on my physical. Surprise surprise, no one called me back today. So I have to call back on Monday and stress the importance of getting this done.

I got my bloodwork for my dr done today. They couldn’t find a Vein and stuck me four times before finally getting it in my hand. And even then, they had a hard time getting enough blood out of it. They only filled each vial up about halfway. I sure hope that’s enough.

I keep forgetting to take the Wellbutrin. I can’t take it at night because it keeps me up but I just can’t remember to take it in the morning. I think I’m going to cut it out and see how I do on just the raised lamictal dose. I’d like to eliminate all unnecessary medications if I can.

It seems my stomach issues are linked to the PTSD. I thought I was going well but since Tuesday PTSD symptoms are coming at me hard and fast.

Yesterday morning a text from my Mum triggered me and I went from 0-100 in seconds. I became highly reactive, lost it over a tiny thing, started screaming hysterically then ran to my bed. My poor partner. It took me two hours to calm down and stop shaking. SI flooded me. After I got up I went for a walk to a jetty I love then came home and played guitar. This helped, but I was so exhausted from it all. I even felt dizzy for hours.

At the core of my biggest trauma lie my parents. They are beautiful, loving people, but they failed me terribly as a child. It is confronting, and conflicting. They are my main support and now they are my main trigger. If they hadn’t failed me it is unlikely I would have Bipolar , PTSD, or Fibromyalgia. I can’t go into details but the magnitude of their failure and negligence is massive. I could bring them to therapy to try and sort this out but they are 70 years old and I would feel bad bringing it all up now. I don’t know what to do. The rage I feel is immense.

This morning I feel calm so hopefully today will be better. Tomorrow I’m photographing my niece in her equestrian competition. That should be fun. I’m trying not to self destruct, and not having any bipolar symptoms helps, but this rage is almost too much for me. PRN Seroquel helps but I hate taking it. I did last night though.

On top of all that I have a sore left hip, and a sore right shoulder (due to only being able to lay on that side for months). This means I can only sleep on my back. I don’t sleep well that way. I’m trying to be positive, and I am ... until I snap. I feel like I’m living with a gun to my head. Stressful.

I am sorry you are sick. Rest when ever you are able.
(((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

I am very sorry that your parents trigger.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Halloween went well, almost ran out of candy. There were a couple hundred kids. 11days Alcohol free. a solid 3 pounds down since 10-21-19 my great nieces birthday. My twin Gretchen is visiting her in new york, they spent a week with the infant and is loving every minute. This is her first grand child. The baby's name is Emerson Lou. We have not had a new baby in the family in 25 years. I think she will be spoiled. lol She has to go back to Indy tomorrow.

It is supposed to be 41 low for the night and high tomorrow is 63. with winds gust up to 20mph. so it will be in the 50's most of the afternoon and windy. It is homecoming foot ball game tomorrow and we have to go to the game. My hubby won distinguished professor and they are presenting him along with the other winners. There will be free food and drinks there.

I don't want to sabotage my diet.
I am going to wear my long underwear. and parka. If I get cold then my Raynauds flares up in my fingers and toes, they turn white and burn.
I know that some of you have had snow already, I feel for you.
Remember to set your clocks back Saturday night. Love fall back!
I am back to having a bandaid on my thumb so that is not good.
Hattie our cat who has cancer on her back continues to lose weight.
Jeff does the dressing changes every night to the wound. She doesn't seem to be in any pain that we can tell. To hold the dressing in place he uses a thunder coat like for anxiety. It wraps around her body and velcros in place. It is very effective.....even so Hattie has been able to wiggle out of it a few times......
anyway.
Carol from AA let me go.....maybe I mentioned that already?
Saw Robin my therapist. I like her and feel that she can help me.
Have been a bit anxious, antsy....
called my pdoc about starting me on a medication the combines naltrexone and welbutrin for weight loss. She said no because she felt that could trigger mania....sigh I am impatient to lose this weight.
I hope the restless legs were a one night occurrence and not something that happens all of the time. I had to take 1mg of ativan to calm myself down. I am not supposed to take benzos....oh well these will last for quite a while. When they run out I will get them on line.
I send hugs to those who need them:
(((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

Glad you got it back , I’d be taking too also.

I eventually slept a few hours , poor quality but it was something.

When I’m not able to sleep whether it be summer or winter I get so hot. I think it’s really because my anxiety kicks into high gear from lack of sleep and I miserable and I hate hate to sweat so of course that’s what happens..

my husband in bed last night ?? he’s got heater running , in heavy flannel jammies and a heavy blanket .. me?? Thin T-shirt and shorts and I am too hot for even keeping the sheet on. Meh!

I hope you read this after a deep full nights worth of great sleep and fantastical dreams. I miss your dreams

That I could understand lol ! but I know people who literally melt cheese on top of the pie .. eeek!

I’m glad your noticing what’s going on and you can identify them as not so healthy actions. Are there some things you can do to try to stay present and not let the train run off the tracks??

I’m glad things are looking up. I’m so happy for you about college !!!