I'm wondering if I'm setting unrealistic expectations for myself at work...

I recently got reprimanded for not being productive enough this past quarter. It's a long story, but I had psychosis and my concentration was bad for awhile, so I wasn't productive with anything. If I were to guess how bad it was, I'd say that what I did in 1 day, people would be able to do in 1-2 hours. My boss seemed kinda pissed.

Anyway, I've recently been pushing myself to work weekends to get stuff done by the end of this quarter (which "conveniently" ends in 2 weeks). And when I say "work weekends," I mean like 12+ hours on Sat and another 12+ hours on Sun.

My old boss kept commenting on my "erratic" work efficiency when I was still working under him. He said that sometimes I got practically nothing done, and then other times, I got way more done than anyone else in my group. (Basically... he indirectly noticed the mania and depression.)

I don't want my current boss thinking that I can keep up with the 24+ hour weekends, but I also don't want to lose my job by missing my quarterly goals, which were just set by him 2 weeks ago. I am not manic right now; I'm just pushing myself to get this stuff done so that I don't get fired. I wish I knew at the on the last day of the quarter how I performed, not 2 months AFTER THE FACT.

The thing is... I have yet to hit ANY of my goals, and I have 8 of them. I'm like halfway done on all 8 goals, but the problem is that each goal depends on another goal, so I can't just work on one goal and get it done. I have to work on ALL of them at once. So now it's like... all or nothing. I either get them all done or I get none of them done.

bluebicyle, I totally know where you are coming from and know how painful it is to feel disabled in such a way, and under such pressure. I wish I had some absolute solution to offer, but other than communicating this serious issue to your therapist and psychiatrist, I don't.

The following questions do come to my mind:

Is there a part of your job (duties/tasks) that you are still meet expectations on? If so, can you discuss this/these with your boss? Sometimes when ill, I have had to focus on these. Even alleviating colleagues of such tasks can be a temporary solution.

Would some kind of accommodation help?

Would a certain type of pressure help? I don't mean a negative one. I'm thinking along the lines of working in spurts and then being given the allowance of a break. Then repeat. Being accountable for "spurt" work can be the fire under the butt needed, sometimes.

Could working along with a colleague closely help?

Just brainstorming.

I totally understand what you're feeling. It's really frustrating - I'd take the mania over the depression any day of the week when it comes to work. Have you talked to someone in your health and safety department at work? They have to make accommodations for people with disabilities by law. Or, maybe try talking to your boss. I was afraid initially of letting others know about my mental condition, but I talked to my boss about it at my previous job and it resulted in them agreeing to hire an additional person to take off some of my workload.

Hey Blue!

It's wonderful you are reaching out!
I want to leave a quick note of support for you.
I only have a moment. I will be back to check in.
Love Ya!

Hi blue!

I recall when I'd started to have difficulty attending to my responsibilites at work. it felt so very overwhelming! I'd also felt like a failure.

It looks like you need to push through in order to keep your job? Do you feel you can meet the goals?

Do you have an alternative?

Would you consider requesting accomodations?

It's late. I hope you are sleeping soundly.

Will check in again tomorrow!

Be very careful who you share confidential mental health information with at work. Very often it comes back to haunt you. Once someone in your office knows they can find ways to use the information to further undermine your work situation. Have a long talk with your psychiatrist. If he decides an FMLA is in your best interests, he's the guy who does the paperwork. He also has the clout should a legal issue immerge. My employer tortured me for 4 years in hopes I'd quit and they wouldn't have to pay unemployment. The harassment was so severe I needed an attorney's intervention.

Proceed very cautiously. Talk to your psychiatrist. Work out a work strategy with him. Then approach HR, not your supervisor or coworkers. HR has at least the legal obligation of confidentiality. That doesn't mean they don't leak however.

I have been in your shoes a few times.

I personally am generally against disclosing mental illness to an employer or using FMLA it will come with a letter from your provider and a simple google search will show them what type of Doctor they are.

Yes legally that can not fire you for wanting and/or needing accommodations. They can nit pick and find reasons to write you up that after X amount they can let a person go. Like 2 mins late punching in or going a couple mins over assigned lunch break. Missed a few days here and there having no childcare and no choice but to stay home. It’s awful but I’ve seen it time and time again. Hell my husband lost his job after being hurt at work and needing bilateral shoulder surgery. He was a liability at that point he had to change departments because the position that hurt him he wasn’t able to preform the work any longer because of life long impairments.. we did have to sue them over it. Basically I’m saying unless your union if a company wants to let a person go they will find a way.

I like BirdDancers idea of setting yourself some breaks while having to really push hard to get this work finished on time.

Thanks everyone.

I am definitely afraid of revealing my BP diagnosis to my boss. I don't think I could tell him because the risks outweigh the benefits for me. For one, he is a huge blabbermouth, and blabbermouths cannot be trusted. Not to mention that he had once engaged in a conversation with someone who was making fun of schizophrenia and psychosis, and they were both laughing about it. However, he was born and raised in different country (India) before coming here, and I'm guessing where he came from was not very accepting of mental illness. (Different cultures, different outlooks, basically.)

I'm actually not so worried about getting fired for revealing my BP diagnosis. My company is pro mental health ("neuro diversity"), pro LGBTQ, pro disability, pro everything. They regularly hold seminars on that stuff to educate people, and lots of people already participate in mental health awareness by changing their email signatures, hosting events, etc.. I just don't want the non-accepting people getting suspicious of me and treating me differently because of a lack of understanding. Plus, who knows down the line... Maybe I change jobs and then I go work somewhere else that isn't as accepting and then people from my old company remember my BP diagnosis.

Anyway, I'll try to take some breaks, as that sounds like a pretty good idea.

Glad you started this thread. Some very wise words above. I think you are extremely smart not to let your boss in on your diagnosis. While the ADA is great on paper, in practice, employers commonly, I believe, discriminate against us in more subtle and off-the-books ways, a suggested above. They make it uncomfortable, without being flagrantly, openly discriminatory. It is a very unpleasant work environment and one I also have dealt with. In my case, I went to my state rep (I was employed by a large university hospital that was state-affiliated). Told the rep, who knew my history, what was going on. Told her I believed I was being discriminated against. She said that sounded likely. So, the question then was--sue, or don't sue? My #1, over-arching priority then was my mental health. So, I did not file a claim, even though I probably could have won in liberal Multnomah County with its pro-plaintiff juries. I thought the better move for my health was to quit and open my own shop. Which I did. Looking back, pretty sure I did the right thing.

I guess what I am thinking of for you is some kind of backup plan. Maybe look around for another job and see what that could look like. Maybe even interview for one. Send out a few feelers. See what the scuttlebutt is. But at least get a really good feel for what you would need to do if you either are fired or just don't want to work in an environment with that toxicity. The other thing is documentation. Document everything. Every conversation, every memo you receive, all your emails and texts and voicemails. Just in case. Having all that in your back pocket could be worth a whole lot some day.

That's all I got. Good luck to you. Sending you positive work vibes.

Sorry my memory is foggy on this, but didn't you recently say there was a new supervisor? Something just went off in my head when I read something you had written and I wondered if maybe the SUPERVISOR was setting unrealistic expectations...

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Definitely breaks - and I agree with others...in my experience one can work for the most supportive and liberal place of employment, but disclose a mental illness and they have something to hold against you, if they want to. I realize it's not legal, but other ways can be found to admonish you.

My husband has OCD that is quite severe and was fired from his job of 17 years for "not being able to comprehend the necessary technology." Well, the truth was, his OCD hung him up when he tried to learn new tech stuff, and his supervisors knew it.

I think the only exception would be if you're working with "peers" (others who have definite psych diagnoses)...NAMI, for example. But that's rare.

Luckily I work for a nonprofit for mental health. My boss was completely understanding and suggested FMLA. I dont work a full 8 hours every day but I can if I feel able. The part time is for while I get stable on meds. I then will have intermittent if needed. I was fired at a previous job because of my mental health. It's a hard line to balance. You are doing the best you can, remember that!

You might be happier working in a place where they dont track everything so closely.

How’s it going Blue ??! Thinking of you

Thanks for all the replies.

I ended up asking my pdoc for extra ritalin for PRN use. I now have Ritalin LA (which is basically 2 doses in 1 pill) and then Ritalin IR (the "3rd" dose). I have to push through this week to get stuff done.

I am taking breaks like everyone suggested, and that seems to help. Unfortunately, I need to still work longer hours (break or no break), which is why I asked my pdoc for extra Ritalin.

So far, the ritalin has been working wonders. The 3rd dose is very helpful. I'm going to try not to use it too often, though. But now that I'm able to concentrate for longer periods when needed, I can afford more breaks.

Hi!
So grateful your pdoc has been helpful!
Thinking of you daily, sending positive vibes.

I’m so glad your Pdoc has helped you out

How is you mood?
Are you sleeping at night?
How long are you going to work the weekends too?
worried about you getting hypomanic.
(((((((HUGS))))))))
bizi

How soon is the trip?