Pornography

This seems like such a taboo conversation and more importantly issue since I am a woman. I used to watch porn when I was highly manic and extremely hyper sexual and always hid it from my husband. While he would have understood from the standpoint I was sick, it would have hurt him.

Now though...now, I am watching it even when I’m not manic. I hate that I do it. I feel like i can’t confess it to anyone, not even my therapist because I’m so embarrassed and I think I’ve literally told her every last detail about my life. I don’t think I’m addicted to it as it isn’t something I have to have all the time but when I’m tempted, it’s hard to pass up. I disagree with it spiritually because it is so lustful and I know it is inevitably harmful towards intimacy with my husband. I also know it would hurt him. I worry every time he picks up my phone for some reason that my unsearchable iPhone searches will somehow show up and he will find out. I have been praying about it but I just can’t find the solution. Any thoughts?

I can't help with the shame. I watch it but it's okay in my relationship. I can't write a lot now but I'll write later.

This is a topic that women don't usually talk about. You need to find out if it's considered cheating in your relationship. If it is then it needs to be addressed as such. With help from a therapist. It maybe best to find a therapist that looks at this through religious eyes and doesn't know you.

I found a way to filter myself very well tonight after playing around on my phone a bit. I am going to see if it works.

I think Miguel'smom is right on target with this in her most recent post above, especially if you and/or your husband are religious or if you are unsure of your husband's reaction.

I am not religious, nor is my husband. I see zero wrong with watching porn as long as it doesn't trigger any negative behaviors, moods, or emotional reactions. I also see nothing wrong with masterbation, or the like, as long as it is done in privacy. My husband feels the same way as me and like me would not see these topics as being taboo. But again, I know others have been taught, or have beliefs, otherwise.

Unless your therapist is very religious or prudish, I would encourage you to bring this topic up with them. Sex-related topics are very commonly discussed in therapy. Most (though surely not all) are perfectly comfortable with the topics. You can always ask first.

Just my thoughts on this.

Hi Cashart. I think it is very brave of you to make this post. I agree many believe it is taboo and I admire your honesty and willingness to seek advice for something that is creating discord in your life.

I would first like to make it known I am not judging you for your actions. My advice here is phrased as it is because you have indicated these behaviors are painful to you and you would like for them to stop. I'd be writng something entirely different if you indicated you want to continue with this behavior and seek ways to foster acceptance from your husband.

Is there anything specifically that triggers your urge to view this material? I would first recommend looking back at your behavior for a period of time to see if you can notice a pattern to your actions. You can avoid triggers if you can identify them. You can also deploy coping skills easier if you can mindfully realize when you are triggered.

Secondly, I would craft strategies for creating new patterns. Habits can be hard to shift, but over time they become easier and easier if we continually replace old behaviors with new ones. So for example, you might create a list of 5 or so go to activities to engage in each time you feel an urge to view porn. Keep the list varied as you might be in a variety of locations and/or times of day when you need to lean on these strategies. So for example one might be taking a walk. Another might be reading the Bible. Another might be fantisising about your husband instead or engaging in activities with him. Some of the strategies are appropirate for releasing pent up energy. Some are appropriate for redirecting your mind away from sex altogether. Some are meant to indulge your desires, but channel them in a way you feel is healthier for your marriage. Different distractions or strategies will work better at different times depending on the circumstances. The goal is to make your list varied and realistic.

I would also recommend spending less time on your phone. Put it down and train yourself to only pick it up when it is absolutely needed. For a while it might be helpful to use a family or shared computer for online activities. You'll be less tempted to falter if you're surfing out in the open. I think I remeber you left your job recently. This leaves you with more alone time. You're going to have to fight hard for a while to keep reminding yourself not to stray in this way. Perhaps snap a picture you can use as a symbol of your love for your husband. Make it the pic for the lock screen and the home screen on your phone. That way you'll see it each time you turn your phone on. Little reminders of our goals help.

Finally, it might be helpful to create several mantras that you repeat to yourself several times a day. These might include statements like: 'I can be sexual without watching porn'. 'I seek to share my sexual energy with my husband only'. Etc. I haven't done the research, but I am sure there's a good list somewhere out there. However, your experience might be more authentic if you author these on your own.

I hope this helps in some way. I am in no way an expert in this space, but I would personally start with some of these strategies if I were experiencing the situation you describe. I wish you all the best in finding greater balance in this area of your life.

I guess my question here is, how can you be so sure that your husband would be hurt by this? that doesn't sound normal to me.

HI cashart!

I have very limited time for PC so far today. I do want to jump in and tell you I also feel you are very courageous to start this thread.
I may have something to add when I have more time. In the meantime, I know it can be difficult while wondering if the community is okay with a subject we have introduced. I don't want my silence interpreted as lacking in support of you and of this thread. I think it is very healthy to raise these "taboo" topics whenever someone is struggling and wants to share and/or hopes for feedback. It's a very healthy conversation.

Due to time limitations I am going to, at least for now, respond to all of you at once. First of all, thank you all for being so accepting!

I don’t want to have this conversation with my husband unless absolutely necessary. I do feel it would hurt him. I know him enough to know he wouldn’t consider it cheating but I think he would wonder why I sought out pleasure from the internet and not from him. I would prefer to stop it altogether and it just be forgotten. I did find a way to make lots of hurtles for access on my phone last night. I hope that will help. I also have decided I am going to discuss this with my therapist, (thanks for that advice!) I told her today that I was struggling with some fears that I am afraid to tell her about. She said “now you have me curious”. She’s not used to me not spilling everything to her and I think telling her that today will make the lines of communication more open to it next week. But, I can guarantee I will be embarrassed, despite our relationship.

As usual, thank you for all of your advice Fern. I am noting many of your suggestions as I think they will help. I will say that this is pretty much only an issue just before I fall asleep and I will also say that due to some childhood trauma I have always been at least a little awkward in terms of my sexuality. Thanks again to all of you!

I'm glad you are talking to your therapist and that you (and he) doesn't see it as cheating.

Just flying by again. Read your last PM. Thanks so much for sharing. I am very hopeful, due to your courage and your honesty, that this issue can be thoroughly addressed by you and your therapist. When past sexual traumas interfere with our current sexual relationships, it's often very important we try to work through the trauma (whatever this means to each individual) . There is no rush when working through traumatic memories and related issues. Take it step-by-step, and breathe. Slow the pace and/or take a break if it is too much at once. Try to not become overwhelmed, which can happen easily if/when we allow tramatic material to surface long enough to process it with a therapist or otherwise.

Get out your toolkit and prepare yourself for moving forward on your path to healing, AT YOUR OWN PACE.
We are here for you!

Talking your Therapist is certainly the best route to follow! I personally don't think there's anything to be ashamed of, but nevertheless, if you're feeling uncomfortable doing this, by all means seek some ways to stop it. It was REALLY BRAVE of you to open up to us and I am sure you'll have no problem doing the same to your trusted and kind Therapist! I hope your Therapist will help! Try to find some distractions and some things to do instead of watching Porn when you feel the urge to do so, ok? Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, your Family, your Friends, your Children, your Relatives, your Husband, your Therapistsa, your Pdocs, your Doctors, your Nurses, your Social Workers and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking no matter what happens, ok?

There's no reason to watch porn when society over sexualizes most movies now a days. Just watch something rated R maybe a few sex scenes will satisfy your urges. Then your husband can't complain cause its just a movie.

But there is a huge difference between the 2. You can’t compare apples to oranges

The only little thing I might add to the outstanding thoughts above is that, forgetting for a moment about what the exact definition of an addiction is, the fact remains that the enemy of many intrusive thoughts associated with compulsions is the company of other solid people. So, for a fentanyl addict, being with other non-fentanyl people is very much pro-recovery. On the other hand, for a sports gambling addict, isolation is opportunity, because all it takes is a cell phone with a credit card number to place some secret bets and then flip to ESPN or SI.com, also on the phone, to watch for results. The isolation creates the opportunity for the secret-keeping to occur.

So, I love the idea of being sure your phone home screen is your family. The challenge, I suspect, will be those hours when you are alone. Great suggestions above. Is there maybe a way to minimize the amount of time you find yourself all alone for a little while, just until you have this sort of more in control? Just a thought. It might help.

I appreciate and applaud your courage in posting this. Sending you positive vibes and strength. And one last thing. Try not to look at solving this whole thing right now--or ever. Cut it up into digestible chunks that are realistic for you. This is what I do with my recovery. So, on a hard day for me, instead of taking it one day at a time, I might take it one hour at a time. That way, I am not overwhelmed by the larger task. All I have to do is this one hour. Then, I move on to the next. Probably sounds silly, but it does change the way I look at what is before me and it becomes more doable. Rome wasn't built in a day type of thing. Seems to be helpful.

That's all I got for now. Wishing you all the best. You can do it!

Thank you!

I never have been quite sure of my feelings about porn (and I mean porn in which all involved are human adults). What I do know is that I really respect you for bringing this subject to light! Thank you for trusting us that much...it means a lot to me.

One question I do have is, are you sure you're not edging toward a manic state? There are times when feeling hypersexual (including searching for erotica either online or printed) is indicative of me edging toward mania.

I actually am coming down from a manic state I had a couple of months ago that caused me to have to walk away from my job. I’m still not so sure that is it though. It seems like I’ve watched at other times. The hurdles I have put on my phone I really do think are helping though. It would take me a bit to figure out how to allow myself access to the private settings again. I hope it stays that way!

I know many are saying they dont see it as wrong because theyre not religious. So, first, porn negatively effects mental health, and this isnt coming from a religious person. But im a male that did a no masturbation challenge just to see what the internet hype was, and i did feel better physically and emotionally. Just because a rule is religious doesnt mean its worthless to modern society. Porn is almost never good for mental health because our minds asdociate an orgasm with intimacy and if its a random stranger our minds dont work the same on orgasm. Its not natural. Animals dont watch porn. Anyways, how to stop: accountability. It seems hard, but if you tell your husband, i think he would maybe react badly at first for 10 seconds but then want you to get better and have much support. I would talk with your husband and/or therapist/religious leader and also have more sex with your husband just for the sake of intimacy. Intimacy in the form of non sexual affection along with healthy equal partnered sex (both parties are equal in sex) helps with the urge to look at porn. One thing is, if youre afraid to tell anyone, thats why youre watching porn. Porn is often caused by shame. And its a vicous cycle. Most americans watch porn. Its an epidemic so nobody, not even a pastor, priest, or imam will be shocked. Take care.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful advice!