Self harm while manic/hypo *trigger*

I am not diagnosed with BP, but I have had manic and hypomanic episodes induced by antidepressants, sleep deprivation and caffeine.

There is somthing that always happend to me while euphoric: it feels hilarious, fun, happy happy, to bleed out or die.

The only times I have ever self harmed was because of it, I was just so insanely happy I thought it was super nice to cut myself.

Has anyone else experienced something similar?

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I certainly can't know, but your description sounds like hypomania to me.

HI Oliver668,
It's great to have you posting.

The mania and the hypomania, induced by sleep deprivation and more, also sounds like BP to me, as well .However, I am not a medical professional and am not qualified to diagnose.

I have not heard of people becoming so happy that they think it's nice to cut themselves. Usually, cutting is not a part of Bipolar per se. Yes, people with Bipolar might cut themselves; however, it is my understaning that the behavior of cutting is not due to Bipolar illness.

I am sure others will be along to comment.
Please take care.

https://psychcentralforums.com/self-injury/
take a moment and check this forum out.

How do you feel in general about self harm when you are balanced? Have you ever considered it in the past when you weren't manic? Are you close with anyone who self harms?

It is interesting to me the things our brains choose to obsess upon while manic and/or psychotic. In my case I noticed most of what I focused upon was deeply rooted somehow within my subconscious mind.

I have not experienced deliberate self harm when euphoric hypomanic or manic. I have only deliberately hurt myself during mixed states, but never cutting. I rather mostly slapped myself in the face repeatedly and punched walls or hit my head against walls. I don't believe that behavior is likely born from the same place as what you describe. I never self harm any other times other than during my mentioned above.

I have become injured during euphoric manic states (and again mixed states) but they were more like accidents. When manic, I can be reckless, careless, and impulsive in ways, and not be fully aware of risks. What exacerbated them was the fact that when manic, I feel less physical pain than normal. That's pretty major for me because I have a rather high pain tolerance, compared to many, even during stability.

I hope you have discussed this cutting issue at length with your therapist and/or psychiatrist. It is important to identify what it is born from and what purpose such self harm serves for you. In any case, it is unhealthy behavior.

I just want to clarify I do not self harm, last time I did was more than 9 years ago while I lockef myself in a bathroom for 30 days (I was 14yo). Rigth now I am a bit weird but I am not having any important urge. I am safe.

I just have the urge to do it when hypomanic (mostly from non sleeping enough). I often feel suicidal due to PTSD, some of my PTSD was causes by seeing a pretty violent death (lot of blood). I am usually scared at the sigth of blood, but when hypo I find it exciting and fun. I find it interesting to see my arm from the inside when my nuts is at it greatest point. Demons talk to me encouraging me to do it.

None close to me SH.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I'm not an expert, I was just wondering if events from your past could be driving some of this behavior. I found in my own manic experience that my mind brought forward things from my past in weird and twisted ways. For example, I laughed at and screamed about things from my past that were painful for me. Its like my behavior was in bizzaro backward mode. Its hard to explain really. Several of those things were rooted in my teenage years and I never did the work to process them properly as I did not have the tools at the time.

In your case it seems like you do have some deeply anchored trauma related to blood and/or self harm. Perhaps your subconscious brings it to the surface when you are manic and attepmts to process it. You're in a compromised state then, so the memories are less PTSD and fear and more euphoric experiences. For me it was like I had pushed those things down so hard that they spewed out when I was manic.

Do you have a therapist? I think it would be a good idea to discuss your history of what happened when you were a teen as well as the death you witnessed. Perhaps if you process it more when you are well it will help to keep it from affecting you so much when you're manic.

Just some thoughts to consider. Like I said, I have no expertise in this. Be well Oliver, and thanks for trusting us with your story.

Quote:

Originally Posted by OliverB I just want to clarify I do not self harm, last time I did was more than 9 years ago while I lockef myself in a bathroom for 30 days (I was 14yo). Rigth now I am a bit weird but I am not having any important urge. I am safe. I just have the urge to do it when hypomanic (mostly from non sleeping enough). I often feel suicidal due to PTSD, some of my PTSD was causes by seeing a pretty violent death (lot of blood). I am usually scared at the sigth of blood, but when hypo I find it exciting and fun. I find it interesting to see my arm from the inside when my nuts is at it greatest point. Demons talk to me encouraging me to do it. None close to me SH.

I can fully understand what you're describing. Again, I am not a medical professional and I do not know anything about you except what you've posted on this thread.

Maybe you have post traumatic stress disorder from a trauma or trauma in your past. That is what your situation sounds like to me.

The reason I believe that I can understand your issue is because I have a similar issue.

My diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder with PTSD. There is a possibility that I might have schizoaffective disorder instead of bipolar disorder. My psychiatrist is considering that possibility.

Are you in the care of mental health professionals?

Thank you all

I have been labeled with almost everything lol (bipolar, schizoaffective, schizophrenia, schyzotypal, panic disorder, mood disorder nos, psychotic disorder nos, etc...).

The thing is I am more or less functioning enough, at least acording to my former psychiatrist I was too functioning to be diagnosed with a mood or psychotic disorder. He didnt help me.

Ehmmm I am not sure what it is "too functioning" ... I didnt fail at college even if I mised most lessons but I couldnt socialize or take care of myself. I had many short term hospitalizations when at some point I couldnt sleep and I was acting weird (I am ashamed of that). I was mislabeled as having a personality disorder (egh, that wasnt my normal behavoiour, I was seeing things crawling everywhere and could sleep 0 hours, literally 0, however I still knew those things werent normal, my insight never completely went away).

My current therapist plain directly said "Do you think you have more issues than PTSD? Would you take medication if they were prescribef to you?".

I replied I think my brain doesnt work like other people brains. I hear demons, I have people in my head, i see death calling me, I am euphoric for no reason, and more and more things. They dont always happen, they happen for some months and go away for some weeks. Sometimes I am almost normal, and when I am not it has little to do with external factors (unless it is a PTSD trigger, caffeine or sleep deprivation, what I mean it is that it is not influenced by fear of abandonment or anything like that).

I just dont know what it is wrong, sharing it makes me feel less lonely about it. Thank you for listening to me.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

Manic episodes don’t have to be and often are not triggered by anything. What you are describing sounds close to my manias with psychosis...down to believing I am demon possessed. I think you should try to seek out a new pdoc! Be well and good luck to you in your searching!

Quote:

Originally Posted by cashart10 Manic episodes don’t have to be and often are not triggered by anything. What you are describing sounds close to my manias with psychosis...down to believing I am demon possessed. I think you should try to seek out a new pdoc! Be well and good luck to you in your searching!

^^^ Yes - me, too. And all sorts of odd thoughts, perceptions...pretty sure about certain behaviors, too.

Anyway, I'm glad you're part of the PC community and I do hope you'll find a new (and better) pdoc.

There are many reasons why a person would self harm any number of mental illness can cause the “ want too” and sometimes it’s because a person already has pain.

I have not self harmed in almost 7 years, longest I have ever gone in my life. It’s been really hard at times.

Why did I cut ?? Feelings of being a burden, low self esteem, low self worth , self loathing

I was diagnosed Fibromyalgia about 9-10 years ago... no meds the doctors offered helped any, so I self harmed because in that moment I had ALL the control.. I could focus all the pain to that one area,, it’s an endorphin rush, so it felt good , to have some type of control. Of course that fades quickly so vicious cycle.

What meds do you take?
An antipsychotic would probably help as would a mood stabilizer.
bizi

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

Maybe I am going to listen to music for a while before sleeping.

These kind of things make me think I am not normal and there is something wrong.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I cant reapear if I destroy my body

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I am sorry you are struggling and I really, really, really think you need to call your psychiatrist right now.

I have everything under control, I went outside with my dog (border collie and blue heeler mix) and my bike. 1,5h later I returned home and could sleep. I have slept like 6-7h? My Mr.Dog is still tired

She is a bit lazy.

It migth not be something to worry about if I excersise and sleep and eat healthy.

Anyway I am telling my new psychiatrist next week, I need a prazosin prescripción in case I get the insomniac-agitate phase. I will clarify everything is OK and undercontrol and I am not in danger (I have to take care of my dog).

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-