Why do i want to hurt myself?

I'm in Overeaters Anonymous (OA) and thinking about how all the fellowships are about a desire to self-harm. Thru alcohol, drugs or food, it's all the same thing. Why do i want to hurt myself?

I am sorry you struggle.
Addictions can be so hard to mange. I have an addictive personality.
Alcohol, food, internet, and excoriation disorder.(skin picking)

I believe all are a sort of OCD disorder.
We did not get here over night but I am making small progresses.
Finally able to not drink for the past 20 days so that is good. I have been able to lose 5 pounds so that is good. With AMino acids the picking is getting better so that is good. My internet usage is still a major problem.

Every day/hour/ minute we can work on our demons.
Do you know why you over eat?
Is OA Helping you?
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Could it be low self-esteem?

I was wondering if OA is helping? I can think of a few possible answers to the question asked. I'm sorry you're struggling.

My first thought is that you were taught, as a child, that being hurt is how life is.

For me self harm was /is driven by feelings of low self esteem, worthlessness and feeling like a burden.

Also I have lots of Chronic pain that I have no control over but .... by self harming I had total control over THAT pain and could for a short time just feel what I did. Hyper focused, Endorphin rush was also a help. But then shame would flood back in and it just became a vicious cycle.

It’s getting closer to 6 years since I truly self harmed. I have held dozens of hands full of ice to stop myself from actually causing true self harm

I am happy for you, in that you have the courage to address this issue for your healing.
I feel it can take a lot of spunk to walk into OA, not knowing what might come next.

I tend to think drinking, doing narcotics, overeating, etc., is driven by the need to avoid dealing otherwise with feelings.
We might choose a behavior which helps us to be "numb to" or to "stuff"our feelings.

Over time, we then become addicted to the behavior (to the immediate relief the behavior brings).
In the meantime, we are doing damage to our bodies as a by-product of the addiction.

Is it our intent to harm our bodies? Possibly. We may or may not be conscious of the fact that we might be harming our bodies.
In my case, when overeating, I feel my more immediate intention/goal is to find relief for negative feelings.
I am not always immediately aware/conscious of the eventual impact upon my body.

I agree with ~Christina about self-harming behaviors, in turn, feeding more self-harming behaviors.

It's a blessing to have you around, J! You bring a lot of sunshine to the forum!

I feel like Wild Coyote is on the right track with her belief that this is often emotionally driven. I have perhaps a slightly different take.

I feel like our emotional wounds are often hidden from the conscious mind, but they are front and center for our subconscious. It is often very difficult for us to believe in or prioritize taking action against what we cannot see. I feel like then the subconscious mind then leads us into activities that harm our physical bodies. Hence we get the 'I cannot control it and I don't know why I'm doing it effect' because the subconscious is not rational.

Perhaps self harm is the mind's way of literally showing us that we are in pain and we need to take action. The physical manifestation of the harm then serves as a metaphor for the emotional pain.

Perhaps if we looked at physical harm for meaning and connection the way we do dreams we might be able to decode it a bit and address the root problem that is manifesting in physical ways.

Just a theory...

@Fuzzybear: At the moment, i have decided against Overeaters Anonymous (OA) because i feel it is fat-shaming. However, i have gone back-and-forth on the program many times in the nine weeks i have been attending so i'm not sure what will happen. I like the camaraderie and the groups seem to me to be to be like very tame parties with seven people i don't know at all! I like all the women and enjoy looking at them and listening to them.

My meeting isn't til Friday and it is only Wednesday so i might change my mind. If i just plain LIKE going i will allow myself and just try and dismiss the aspects of the program which i feel are more anti-fat than pro-health. The groups have elements of ceremony and ritual and the catechism of my childhood and prayer and i find it all very meaningful and pleasant, it's just that i'm getting stuck on certain phrases in the text which are clearly very negative and harmful and i am particularly concerned about the messages they send to our young ladies, all so vulnerable to images of ideal beauty in the mass media, that thin is the only way to be beautiful.

There is one young lady who i think is so big and beautiful and sexy and her look just screams FERTILE WOMAN and i feel bad when she talks about losing weight. I feel so sad that she may not be enjoying her youthful beauty. I might try and find a way to talk to her gently about whether she is in OA for health reasons or not because if it's something like diabetes then i am totally down with that. Perhaps i am also talking about myself and my own concerns over why *i* am attending, am i doing it for health reasons or out of fat-shame.

Anyways, thanks for the inquiry, FuzzyBear. I appreciate the interest!

Be well my friend!

Oh. I am very concerned about any "shaming.". You don't deserve any shaming, J. (((( whatever2013. )))).

A very insightful theory!

I can kind of relate to that -- my self harm has been limited ( luckily I haven't done it very much and I have not made any habit or "cycle" of it) but for me it tends to happen during moments of extreme emotional crisis. The times where you are overwhelmed with frustration, or anger, or feelings you can't escape you take it out on yourself (by one means or another). That's how it has been for me. I would venture to say there is no one cause or reason for self harm, but it all stems from inability to cope, whatever gets us past that breaking point. It's internalizing the pain. I hear that's common with those with mental disorders and especially among people who suffered child abuse or any kind (emotional or physical).


I hope you find a safe place to reflect and help understand what drives you and triggers those reactions. It may seem cliché to say this -- but you a deserving of happiness. We all work through things day by day -- struggle by struggle -- but we no less deserve to find happiness.