Bipolar Check-in #40

Well, not quite as good quality sleep last night but still, an improvement from last week. So that's good. Unfortunately, did have to deal with some voices around midnight or something. Started freaking out but then, I just breathed and breathed and then somehow, I actually fell asleep. Miracle. Since I've been up, no more voices. Yeah!

The weather is finally starting to change here. Low 30s this morning and I just really didn't want to deal with the massive bundling up project required to get out on the bike. Maybe tomorrow.

Hugs and support to everyone struggling. Gratitude to all those supporting me. I am so very grateful.

Glad things are improving for you! Sorry about the voices but it's good you were able to get through them and get to sleep, hopefully they lessen over time

Well, my therapy appointment turned into a huge, long rant about my sister, so I kinda feel like I wasted my appointment slot when I could have talked about other, more pressing things, but I also kinda feel like I needed to "let it out" to someone.

Long story short, I told my therapist about how my sister is VERY manipulative, VERY entitled, VERY controlling, and VERY uncompromising with everything (because everything has to be "her" way and ONLY her way). She basically does this fake crying thing when she doesn't get her way, and then says how everything is "unfair" to her when she has to compromise... because she is manipulative and wants to play victim. And then she uses my mom's' credit cards to buy whatever she wants because she doesn't want to spend her own money on things, even though she has money in the bank. Then she has the audacity to b_tch at me for how I spend my own money, even though I rarely buy things. So, I told my therapist that my mom is enabling her by giving in to what she wants and letting her use the credit card w/ no consequences. I said I wouldn't be surprised if my sister went bankrupt shortly after graduating from college, and that I will NOT be lending her any money when that happens.

Also, my sister is the kinda person who b_tches about free stuff. Like if she gets a Christmas gift that she doesn't want, she'll b_tch about it. For example, she'll SAY she wants a very specific thing for Christmas and we get it for her as a surprise, and then when it "goes out of fashion" (according to her...), she acts like she never wanted it, saying, "Ewwwwww. Why did you get this for me? I never said I wanted it." (Yes, she says "ewwwww.") She'll also return all her gifts and demand us to give her the cash instead (since the money goes back onto our credit cards after she returns the items). And she doesn't ask for cheap gifts, either. They're typically REALLY expensive. And of course, after we get her like a $400 gift, she'll give all of us like a candy cane and a gift worth $5.... specifically, a gift bought USING MY MOM'S MONEY, not even hers!! I know she doesn't have to give a gift if she doesn't want, but it's pretty insulting to spend lots of money on her and then she pretends she doesn't like it and then demands money. I hope I don't sound entitled or having high standards, but she knows we're giving her expensive stuff, so I don't see why she can't at least partially reciprocate by spending more than a measly $5 and doing more than just taking a free candy canes from work and giving them to us.

What would happen if this year you just bought her something thoughtful and inexpensive? She might complain, but at least you could save your money to invest in something that brings you greater joy. Also, what would happen if you explained to her how you view all of this? She doesn't seem very self aware. I don't know how you've held this in so far. In my family she would be called to the floor instantly for behavior like that. We're big on letting each other know when we are being an A hole. It keeps everybody in line

It stinks your parents enable this. You're so very different. I imagine they greatly appreciate what you offer to the family in terms of balance and contrast.

I am so glad to hear you are still improving. You deserve some peace.

I think it is great you were able to remain calm and breathe through what might have been psychosis before it took hold. Sometimes I feel like we make ourselves worse when we freak out. Its like the fear gives our illness the foothold it needs to take over. You've shown tremendous bravery lately and you keep battling back.

What do you usually do for exercise when it is too cold to cycle? I'm mostly an exercise indoors kind of gal, so the weather hasn't had much effect on my routine.

I wish you continued improvement and momentum on your journey back to wellness.

You always know just what to say and are very wise. Thank you for your response. I appreciate it and you.

Thank you for your message. I was referring to irl and not PC. I hope it didn’t come across differently. This is one of the few places I can come to be supported and understood. I’m very grateful.

You’ve been a good friend to me as well and I care about you too. Thank you for your support.

I ask constantly for a renewed mind, heart, body and spirit and for me to have the words to be in service to others. I'm so grateful to know I was gifted with something that could assist you at this time. Much love to you. I see so much promise in your heart and your approach!

I am so exhausted. My little guy was literally running the halls kicking doors and screaming for the entire day. My feet hurt soooo bad because I’ve been wearing professional shoes this whole week. I have a huge blister on my toe. My guy stepped on my foot by accident today and I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from cursing lol. However, he seemed concerned and actually said he was sorry, which is the only remorse I’ve seen from him all week. So he is human after all lol.

Despite all that I do enjoy working with him. He’s testing all my skills as a BD teacher but I enjoy it. He’s only a 45 day placement so he won’t be there come January 16 and I think I’ll actually miss him. I was assured they will keep me on and put me with someone else so that’s good. I thought I might have to find yet a another job.

So, I’m happy.

****ed even when stable mood wise.

I may have gone through a hypomania a couple weeks ago. My mom unknowingly bailed us out. I feel so run down. The fighting between me and H has subsided. Anxiety is super high on the verge of paranoia. I’m overwhelmed very easily. I want to self destruct so bad. I’m trying to find hobbies. I wanted to leave H last night. If I told him it would hurt him. I settled on telling him why I’m so anxious. He says I’ll be fine but IDK, I don’t trust him. It took me over an hour to pick what to have for lunch and I immediately regretted it. All I seem to be able to handle sit and stare. I scroll but I don’t read, respond, nothing. I want to cry. Nothing is happening. I almost quit therapy yesterday too. I don’t think therapy is helping. T says it is. I just want to be done trying. It’s not working. Nothing is working. I suck.

Today went pretty well. I got some drawing done and went to the library. Right now I'm having a panic attack that I'm trying to work through, I feel like I can't breath and am dying but am trying to remind myself it won't last forever. Trying to distract myself from the physical sensations.

Hope everyone has a good weekend

I’m hopeful Lithium is really helpful. I’m sure hold off Lithium for a few days will be fine. Just remember when you start you have to increase your fluid intake.

It’s good today your feeling better, how do you think you can do to try and ease how your more Ok in the morning but down ward turn as the later in the day nose dive??

I think getting back to seeing your T will really help you.

I’m here if you need anything

We should be pen pals all night long

Maybe be time to just be. Stop questioning every thing. So you didn’t like your lunch ? It’s okay not the end of the world in the big picture.

What about the schooling your taking ? Did you get everything set up ?? What class is if ?

I’m in a lousy space so just go day to day or hour to hour , that’s all I am doing.

Hang in there

Oh my! Panic attacks are so overwhelming!
Do you have a prn for panic atacks if you need one?

I give you a lot of credit for working your way through the panic attack.
My old pdoc used to say panic attacks eventually snowball and the only way to effectively stop this is to take a med.
I can imagine some people might have the ability to keep an eye on the panic while staying busy -- like you! if you don't get relief, please do ask for help and/or take a prn! Much Love

Thank you WC! I was able to get through the worst part of it I think , I still feel weird but not as bad. I do have klonopin to take if I need it, I guess I'll see how things go. Evenings always seem to be tough for me in terms of anxiety and paranoia for some reason

What about the schooling your taking ? Did you get everything set up ?? What class is if ? It's Self-study, I'm still setting it up, but I'm thinking pre-calc, Spanish, digital art, and maybe a writing course.

I say hurry up and get it set up and just dive in... you need something to keep you present and distract you also.

Maybe writing course ? Possible help you dump things out of your head?

So glad you have a benzo if needed!
Yes, many or most feel symptoms increase at night time.

I know, even a cold gets worse in the eveningI

Take care!!

My sleep is still terrible. I still feel hopeless and defeated but I’m focused on Tv, movies and re-reading a much loved book series.

I have to be doing one of the above so I don’t have time to tumble into self pity.

Lots of rain , started last night and comes in waves. So my pain is still huge. It’s just a Monster