Bipolar Check-in #40

I've decided to change my avatar photo again. I know that I did so, recently. Sorry for all of the changes.

BirdDancer

I didn't know that, that must be why there's cookies for sale everywhere. They were three for .99 cents and those were the ones I bought, bad choice. They were hard as a rock.

Seems like every two hours I was looking at the clock last night, yet I'm sure I got some sleep. Just not solid deep sleep. I stayed in bed trying to go back to sleep after I woke this morning. I just didn't want to get up. Moms pt is going to be here soon, really got to go get dressed. Being prone even without sleep is so attractive.

Put the cookies in the microwave. They'll soften up. I do this all the time with hard cookies. Even the hardest ones soften up in the microwave. Usually 10-15 seconds will do. Sometimes 30, but no more than that.

Thanks I'll try it this weekend. Yeah it's not approved in the u.s. but you have something similar named lunesta.

It is a nice, sunny day here. I am happy. I exercised a bit. I feel good about myself. I hope everybody looks toward the future and has hope. I feel without hope, one's outlook is bleak. I have hope that my future will be good and that I will remain stable as long as I receive my shots. Have a good weekend!!

Hi Jennifer, I wanted to see how you are doing since I, for the time being, are around in the dep forums (as you know).

You are kind and good at thinking about others, but your daughter is right. You have your own disease. You have to put your own needs first, not because you are selfish, but because if you neglect your form of sickness, you will not last long or become worse.

Even if your daughter is grown up, she needs to feel safe in knowing that her mother follows doctors recommendations. I hope I'm not disturbing your inner peace of mind by saying that. I only want you to see that even if you cannot help your brother the way you want, life can have lots of other opportunities for you. You can be useful in other ways.

I am glad because you see a "proper" therapist now. Yes, you need to take your breaks and get adequate sleep. You have to use "an inner hammer" to repeat again and again that you have this disorder and try to be responsible for your own wellness. (I know you will). Backslides come from time to time, but you will learn to recognize them along the road, so you can bring yourself back again at the road that fits you and you only. ACCEPTANCE of your own disorder is the key to a good life. Hope you don't feel that I am an intruder in your life saying so, but so it is with everything, acceptance of whatever comes in one's road gives the best opportunity to make the best out of it. I found this out by myself with regard to my physical disorders.

Remember there can come a time when your daughter will bring you a grandchild. May be she does not have any plans about that now, but one day ...

What I mean to say is that life can let many good surprises come your way, if you follow doctor's recommendations and use your kind caring sides on yourself!

I have prayed for you!

Sending good wishes and hopes your way!

It’s so nice to see your message! You are absolutely right. I appreciate your message and you.

I have prayed for you as well. I know the SAD will diminish with time and you are doing a good job working it out.

Sending good wishes and hopes your way!

I had a meltdown when I was going to lunch with my Aunt today. I am not even sure exactly why. I'm just having a really hard time functioning and doing what is expected of me. Someone asked me if anything can solve my problems right now, what would it be? I just don't want to feel like this anymore. That's all.

Hugs to all Hang in there, and have a nice weekend.

Sort of bedridden with my laptop, I managed to post two posts on my blog today. They are parts of a true story series I'm calling "Four Bouquets of Flowers".

For a few years now, I've slowly been writing draft chapters for a memoir. I don't know if I will ever have it printed, but I want to preserve significant stories from my life, for at least myself. The "Four Bouquets" would just be just one chapter for my memoir. I have already written draft content for almost eight other chapters. Tomorrow I will hopefully post the last installment of the "Four Bouquets". It needs more work. Actually, I've already written a post called "Getting Married Abroad in a Most Glorious City (Prague, Czech Republic). I might add that to the "Bouquets of Flowers" chapter as a 5th bouquet story, or maybe keep it separate. I'm still trying to figure out how best to organize my memoir. I'd rather it be groups of semi-related stories rather than strictly chronological ones. In any case, if I ever do want them printed, I'll still need a lot of editing/rework.

I still feel so weak. It's hard to even go up and down my stairs that many times. I'd like to cook dinner for my husband tonight, but I sort of dread it. He offered to pick something up on his way home. I think I might take him up on that. Perhaps I could make something for him tomorrow.

I am sorry you are hurting today and felt excluded. I used to have an eating disorder, primarily anorexia, but when I was dealing with recovery I ended up flipping into bingeing sometimes. I felt a lot of shame about it. I think the biggest thing that kept me in that loop was the cognitive distortion that if I messed up once I messed up completely and might as well not bother even trying and all previous success didn't matter. I would binge a little, then be like screw it and give up totally. Slowly shifting that thinking helped me recover. I would say to you that 8/9 days is an 88.8%! That is not a bad "grade" at all and far better than the 0% if you hadn't had the success of the past 8 days. You're not perfect and neither is anyone else, so try to offer yourself a little compassion and focus on how well you did in the days leading up to today. That means you could go another 8 days or even 9 this time. You definitely have it in you.

I am so exhausted. I was falling asleep at work again today. I don’t know why it’s so easy for everyone else to stay awake but for me it’s like snooze city. I’ve tried coffee and it doesn’t help. I don’t know what else to do.

I went way over on carbs yesterday and today because I was frustrated that I haven’t lost any weight. I am paying for it. It seems that the overload of carbs aggravated whatever painful stomach condition I have. I’m having burning pain in my usual spot (right below my ribs on the right). When I was eating less carbs it didn’t seem to be a problem. So just another reason to keep them low regardless of whether I lose weight or not.

I have been two days cigarette free. I decided to get some gum even though I don’t particularly like gum. It helps a lot. That along with klonopin as needed has helped. Two days cigarette free.

@yellow_fleurs: Thanks for the support! I'm sure you are right and glad you have recovered from anorexia and bingeing. I'm not sure what the future holds for me at the moment. I've been trying with Overeaters Anonymous (OA) for three months now. I don't think they can help me.

In other news, a box of memorabilia from my youth arrived today in the mail from my sister. The first thing i saw was my baby picture. I thought: What is ahead for you but heartbreak and mental illness?

Thanks Blue! After losing my s**** in front of the nurses my distress was taken seriously. I didn’t deliberately do it, I am usually a calm person so it got them into action. They drugged me more and I fell asleep after an hour of a nurse sitting with me. If the meds hadn’t of worked I would be locked up by now.

The nurse that was initially blasé became very caring. He is a young nurse so I think I was a bit out of his depth. Other nurses also watched me all night, but I slept through. I’m hungover now. Anxiety is creeping up again. I will be more direct if I feel that bad again. I just get too timid.

Sorry to hear a lot of you are struggling and/or sick. Seems to be a thing here too. A lot of sniffles and sneezes, and some sore throats. Not a lot of sleep either. It feels like we’re getting better though. I know a lot of people locally have it worse with stomach issues but other than more heartburn than usual I’ve seemed to dodge that bullet. Emotionally, being physically ill is rough. I’m low more. But I’m not really depressed like I used to be this time of year. Trying to rest during the holiday season is hard, though.

Otherwise things are plugging along. I hope you all take gentle care of each other and yourselves.

I should have said this also works if your income is too high. I've had good luck with that too.

I flipped out today at a Wendy's, I was too overwhelmed. Still paranoid/anxiety all day until I pass out. My parents come this weekend. I've already been told I sound tired or like I've been crying when talking to them. I wasn't but my mom is clearly concerned. I need to brush my hair and pick up a bit but I just want to try and sleep this away. I'm not over sleeping and I'm keeping busy but it's infuriating.

Turns out my pdoc was at the hospital work Christmas party last night which is why they couldn’t reach him. It was the on call pdoc that they finally got through to to get a much stronger med ordered.

Today a close friend might visit me. I haven’t seen her for months. I hate meeting while I’m so ill. I get worried I’m going to burn my loved ones out. We have been friends for over twenty years so she’s seen me at my worst. I wanted to get leave so we could take her puppy for a walk, but only my pdoc can approve leave, and even if he shows up/or is asked over the phone I doubt he will let me have escourted leave after last night. Either way it will be wonderful to have a visitor that doesn’t trigger me.

Great to have you posting!

Glad to read you have some relief from seasonal; depression!

I think of you so often!
Thanks for checking in!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

I am around. Trying to get by. Pain is much worse today. A high pain day due to weather.
Still watching the antics of the SSA. It can be so incredibly frustrating. Yet, on some level, it is also amusing. So inefficient. So.....ummm...absurd!!!

I will save you the rant.

I am VERY concerned about anyone;'/everyone losing benefits, gaining unhelpful drug plans, etc.
It's often far too difficult to make even the very basics work and it becomes so very disheartening!
If you know of potential options, we have started a thread for potential resources; please do tell!
Thanks so much for sharing!!!

Love to All!

Oooooookay , I haven’t read this thread ya but wanted to dump my info here. I’ll be back to catch up on everyone.

Between yesterday and today I have spent over 12 hours on the phone dealing with social security and my drug plan along with my husbands. I even went directly to the social security office at 730 am to be first one in the door.

Condensed version ... somehow social security changed some “ section” on my profile or what ever they called it .. because that portion has been changed, my drug plan was giving me ridiculous info. So that Took almost an hour for social security to fix there F up. So I called my drug plan Humana over an hour hold and the first person I talked to still insisted I still have huge deductibles etc , I was polite but I wanted a supervisor , I was on hold for that mystery person for almost 1.5 hours and wow imagine this I was disconnect !!! I call back another way over an hour and a half blah blah blah. Next person still was clueless I was transferred another hour on hold the next person omg ! She found the info in her system and I do have same plan as this year for 2020 i was too tired to cry happy years.

Then I struggled getting my husbands plan straightened out , over 2 hours.

We do not have a home phone and no cell signal at home so yesterday and today? Over 12 hours I have spent sitting in my car doing all this in s parking lot.

I’m glad everything is okay now but none of this should have ever happened to begin with.

My blood pressure has been skyhigh think 190- 220/ 95 -130 despite leaning very heavy on Xanax.

It’s has finally come down. Last check 180/90 which is still way high for me. But it is going down

Of course I didn’t sleep last night , this afternoon I finally had to lay down mainly because my blood pressure. I honestly felt like I was fixing to die. I got about 6 hours of sleep. Which is good, woke up struggling to breath I had forgotten my morning inhalers

I just feel like I have been literally physically beaten for a couple days with bats and run over by dump trucks.

Next year I am going to start calling to verify SSDI monthly starting in June.