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Default Dec 03, 2019 at 08:34 PM
  #41
I'm glad to hear today is going a bit better than yesterday. I think a nap in a few hours sounds like a great goal. I hope it works out and if not, I hope the day is as restful as possible for you.
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Default Dec 03, 2019 at 08:35 PM
  #42
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When I have been a disaster I get put on heavy meds to literally knock me out but despite them it often takes 3-4 days before I finally crash and sleep for 12-14 hours then we would begin to actually start working on finding a combo of meds that help balance me out.

I’m glad your in a safe place with professionals to help you
Thanks Christina. It has been 2.5 days in here. The meds offered no help yesterday. I was way to terrified and wound up. Today I’m a little calmer so far, but I feel the terror creeping back. Haloperidol was introduced last night. It seems to be helping. I can only take it for a few days though as it makes my vision blurry after a few days on it. I’m still not sleeping well. Hopefully I will crash tonight. As you’ve experienced I think I need days of meds, and coping skills, to bring my anxiety and panic down. Then hopefully it will stay calm and I can go home.

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Default Dec 03, 2019 at 08:49 PM
  #43
Day three of hospital. Yesterday was awful. I nearly ran away I was so scared (no trigger, just the PTSD). Instead my pdoc drugged me heavily. This morning I had 5 mg of haloperidol and it has helped. Unfortunately, it’s wearing off and I can’t take it again till tonight. I can take Seroquel though, but am scared of the weight gain. I know, vain me choosing to risk my life over a few pounds/kg.

We are in the middle of a heat wave. I have no air-con at home so being IP with air-con is a plus. On the downside no swims in the ocean. I asked my parents not to visit me for a few days as my pdoc recommended as they are big triggers. They are also beautiful people so I feel bad keeping them away. My Dad didn’t care but my Mum was a bit put out. She lives to help others. She didn’t get angry though and accepted it.

Hmmm ... now my anxiety is shooting up. The drugs have worn off I think. Thanks for reading my rant. I’m trying to participate in other threads but still struggle with what to say much of the time. Now I need to find ways of passing the time in here. Know I care about all of you and sincerity hope things improve for those suffering so much.

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Default Dec 03, 2019 at 09:03 PM
  #44
Any thoughts on how you can pass the time? Is there anything available like coloring or art if you enjoy that kind of thing? Anything structured like groups there? I hope your anxiety gets better. I am sorry you were feeling so scared.
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Default Dec 03, 2019 at 09:47 PM
  #45
Personally I do not want visitors while I’m IP. I am there because it’s not safe for me to be home. It’s total “ me time” since we don’t get a cell signal at home one of the techs usually let me use there cell to text my husband letting him know I’m ok.

Try not to “ actively think about “ getting out” I have been IP from 3 days to 17 days. The first few times I kept thinking oh I’ll be out in 3-4 days which I’d push for but in reality I wasnt ready and I left and was right back in a mess with in days and right back to being unsafe.

So now if I go I leave it up to them to decide when I’m okay to leave.

I never got blurry vision from Haldol but I do from Thorazine. Proves how meds all effect is differently.

Hopefully tonight you will finally get some very deep sleep

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Default Dec 03, 2019 at 09:52 PM
  #46
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Any thoughts on how you can pass the time? Is there anything available like coloring or art if you enjoy that kind of thing? Anything structured like groups there? I hope your anxiety gets better. I am sorry you were feeling so scared.
To pass time I am reading books when able, surfing the net, especially for funny videos, and looking into what units I may sign up for university next year. I couldn't study now but I am hoping to be better by the time uni starts late February. There are relaxation and yoga classes. I can't do some of the yoga moves due to my hip. The are also CBT classes but I have been to them many, many times. I am also much more anxious around groups. My pdoc suggested doing relaxation classes so I might find out when it is on as it is only one a week I think. Oh, and I hate colouring in lol. Thanks for your response.

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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 12:36 AM
  #47
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Personally I do not want visitors while I’m IP. I am there because it’s not safe for me to be home. It’s total “ me time” since we don’t get a cell signal at home one of the techs usually let me use there cell to text my husband letting him know I’m ok.

Try not to “ actively think about “ getting out” I have been IP from 3 days to 17 days. The first few times I kept thinking oh I’ll be out in 3-4 days which I’d push for but in reality I wasnt ready and I left and was right back in a mess with in days and right back to being unsafe.

So now if I go I leave it up to them to decide when I’m okay to leave.

I never got blurry vision from Haldol but I do from Thorazine. Proves how meds all effect is differently.

Hopefully tonight you will finally get some very deep sleep
Thanks Christina. I do have a tendency to get cabin fever, and convince my pdoc I’m safe to go home when I’m not. I’ve been IP way too many times so I hate being here, and want to be home. The longest I’ve been IP was two months. Even my pdoc’s (not including current one) has no idea how to help. I was also homeless and living on couches with my then hubby. I think over the last 10 years I have spent a total round one year IP. This is not my happy place. It is my safe place. Well, when I’m not paranoid.

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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 06:41 AM
  #48
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Day three of hospital. Yesterday was awful. I nearly ran away I was so scared (no trigger, just the PTSD). Instead my pdoc drugged me heavily. This morning I had 5 mg of haloperidol and it has helped. Unfortunately, it’s wearing off and I can’t take it again till tonight. I can take Seroquel though, but am scared of the weight gain. I know, vain me choosing to risk my life over a few pounds/kg.

We are in the middle of a heat wave. I have no air-con at home so being IP with air-con is a plus. On the downside no swims in the ocean. I asked my parents not to visit me for a few days as my pdoc recommended as they are big triggers. They are also beautiful people so I feel bad keeping them away. My Dad didn’t care but my Mum was a bit put out. She lives to help others. She didn’t get angry though and accepted it.

Hmmm ... now my anxiety is shooting up. The drugs have worn off I think. Thanks for reading my rant. I’m trying to participate in other threads but still struggle with what to say much of the time. Now I need to find ways of passing the time in here. Know I care about all of you and sincerity hope things improve for those suffering so much.
I see your replies in a couple of threads. They are.very supportive and insightful. Just continue to speak your truth. If it doesn't resonate with the original poster it might help someone else. You're doing a great job. Thank you for your contributions!

I'm glad you are getting a little break from your parents. If they truly understood how their presence affects you I don't think they would hesitate to stay away.

Much love to you today. Your strength is inspiring.
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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 07:01 AM
  #49
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Any thoughts on how you can pass the time? Is there anything available like coloring or art if you enjoy that kind of thing? Anything structured like groups there? I hope your anxiety gets better. I am sorry you were feeling so scared.
I pass the time by reading (if able), researching subjects that interest me, positive self talk and self soothing, listening to music, and meditation. They have CBT structured groups, but I’ve been to them dozens of times in the last ten years. I didn’t even find it helpful then. What I plan to go to is relaxation and yoga classes. I’m not a crafty person, but I am creative. If they will let me I may bring my guitar in. I also take photos of stuff and edit them. To be honest though the last few days I barely been able to get out of bed due to anxiety. I also chat to the nurses when needed.

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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 10:00 AM
  #50
Oh wander! I'm so glad you made the decision to go ip. You are loved and wanted! I hope that you can find some hope. I'm rooting for you. lots of love! Xxx
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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 06:09 PM
  #51
Last night I got about 7 hours of decent sleep. Yay for me! Unfortunately, I have woken up feeling very anxious, and a little panicked. I can't get my morning meds of Haloperidol and Seroquel for another thirty minutes. Sounds not to far away, but feeling like this waiting is torture. Thanks to the haloperidol I had a calmer day yesterday. Well relatively calmer. This morning I feel awful again and can only hope the meds work once I can take them. SI still there. It increases and decreases throughout the day. Right now its bad. As it is nursing handover time I cannot speak to a nurse for at least 1.5 hours. I have many confusing, conflicting thoughts that distress me so talking would help. Even as I write my panic is escalating. I can only hope the meds calm me down, or I will get to that running away stage. It is weird, my thoughts seem calm but distorted at times, and my body is carrying all the anxiety.

Today I am going to try and use the small gym here, but I will have to make sure I don't aggravate my hip. Maybe I won't bother. I don't know. Thanks so much to everyone for their support. It helps immensely as I have no friends I can talk to about this stuff. I feel worse this morning than yesterday. Yet last night I slept for 7 hours straight so I don't know why the anxiety has escalated. I just want it to go away, or at least the SI go away so I can go home. Going on how I feel now it won't be at least until early next week. Now I am going to pass some time listening to music until I can get my meds. AGGGGHHHH, this panic is awful. It is like being on fire with no way to put it out. Painful, and deadly. I am not as safe so far today as I was yesterday. I really need some meds and later a chat. My thoughts are distorted and twisting. Very uncomfortable and confusing.

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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 06:24 PM
  #52
AGGGHHH! I want to go home, but also want to die. I am trying to relax while IP but its tough when feeling the way I do. I NEED to escape from this torment. I can see no way out right now.

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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 07:17 PM
  #53
Have you tried repeating a mantra? Something like 'my thoughts are not my truth. I am safe and I want to live'. Focusing on getting the words right and repeating it over and over might snap your brain out of the rumination. Maybe splash some cold water on your face and stare into the mirror while you say it.
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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 07:38 PM
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Have you tried repeating a mantra? Something like 'my thoughts are not my truth. I am safe and I want to live'. Focusing on getting the words right and repeating it over and over might snap your brain out of the rumination. Maybe splash some cold water on your face and stare into the mirror while you say it.
Yes. When I am really struggling and curled up in a call I tell myself, 'You are safe now', 'you are loved', and, 'hang in there. This will pass.'. It does help a bit. My focus now is on rescuing myself instead of desperately wanting someone else to rescue me. I haven't tried it in front of a mirror. I will give that a go today. Thanks.

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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 07:50 PM
  #55
Thinking of you, Wander.
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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 08:09 PM
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Yes. When I am really struggling and curled up in a call I tell myself, 'You are safe now', 'you are loved', and, 'hang in there. This will pass.'. It does help a bit. My focus now is on rescuing myself instead of desperately wanting someone else to rescue me. I haven't tried it in front of a mirror. I will give that a go today. Thanks.
It feels a little silly sometimes, but it helps me connect to the replacement thoughts more when I can look myself in the eye.

You're a pro at all of this Wander. You have all the skills you need. This is a rough patch that sucks tremendously, but it will pass. You keep making great decisions for yourself. Trust in that. Deep down you know what is right. Your mind may be sideways, but your heart points true north!

I know you've been connecting with the nurses. Are there any patients you feel like it would be worthwhile to talk to? I really appreciated the insight several of the ladies had to offer while I was in IP. Some patients triggered me, so it was a slippery slope, but there were some true gems there.
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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 08:20 PM
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It feels a little silly sometimes, but it helps me connect to the replacement thoughts more when I can look myself in the eye.

You're a pro at all of this Wander. You have all the skills you need. This is a rough patch that sucks tremendously, but it will pass. You keep making great decisions for yourself. Trust in that. Deep down you know what is right. Your mind may be sideways, but your heart points true north!

I know you've been connecting with the nurses. Are there any patients you feel like it would be worthwhile to talk to? I really appreciated the insight several of the ladies had to offer while I was in IP. Some patients triggered me, so it was a slippery slope, but there were some true gems there.
Thanks for the encouragement. I think I would feel very uncomfortable looking at myself in a mirror saying affirmations. I will try it though. I haven't interacted with any other patients so far. I am paranoid so hide in my room a lot. I do see people in relaxation classes but don't get a chance to meet anyone. To be honest I am no up to making friends, or even casual chit chat. I am scared of everyone. Logically, I know I am safe, and most of the other patients are lovely, but I mostly just want to be left alone except for nurses and pdoc. I used to meet people here but I wasn't paranoid then. Also I am just not feeling social. Excuses, excuses I know. Unfortunately my logical brain isn't in control a lot of the time.

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Ribbon Dec 04, 2019 at 08:23 PM
  #58
Wander, You have so many people that care about you. I deal with bipolar disorder. When I was 9 years old, I did something very stupid. I was at the dentist office and I felt like someone was chasing me. I accidentally broke a glass door. The glass cut my leg and I got 63 stitches. It is emotional because I am reluctant to go swimming because people will ask me about my scar. over and over. I must have been contemplating my life when I chose to run down the hall. I honestly did not know that there was a glass door there. It was not marked in any way, shape, or form. I wanted to sue the office for safety violations. There is no law against it back in the 1980's. I live a self-conscious life with boyfriends, family, etc. I would reconsider trying to harm yourself. First, it is illegal. Second, you may live and regret what you did due to health problems. Third, nobody wants you to harm yourself. I understand loneliness and regret. I am looking for a new job because I am so depressed at work. I have very few friends. I am trying to date a boyfriend. That cannot be all too serious. I know my family loves me even though I never show it. I know that noone is trying to hurt me. I have to stay in therapy and take medicine to realize that I am perfectly normal and ok. I go to church when I am really sad because Jesus lifts my spirits. Good music, reading, and tv are good to release the tension and stress. I really hope that you feel better. I am really proud that you called the hospital. You are in good hands. I hope you get better soon.
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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 08:26 PM
  #59
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Thanks for the encouragement. I think I would feel very uncomfortable looking at myself in a mirror saying affirmations. I will try it though. I haven't interacted with any other patients so far. I am paranoid so hide in my room a lot. I do see people in relaxation classes but don't get a chance to meet anyone. To be honest I am no up to making friends, or even casual chit chat. I am scared of everyone. Logically, I know I am safe, and most of the other patients are lovely, but I mostly just want to be left alone except for nurses and pdoc. I used to meet people here but I wasn't paranoid then. Also I am just not feeling social. Excuses, excuses I know. Unfortunately my logical brain isn't in control a lot of the time.
It is uncomfortable. I think that's maybe part of the power in it. It also feels silly, so don't be afraid to laugh at yourself if you give it a go.

I don't hear excuses. It sounds like you're in touch with where you're at. If you feel like connecting with people outside of the staff would hinder your situation you should go with that. Maybe you'll feel differently as time goes on, but for now it sounds like you're taking healthy baby steps of trusting in the nurses enough to connect with them for a bit.
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Default Dec 04, 2019 at 09:06 PM
  #60
You are in the safest place you can be.
Let them help you and but you are very lucky to have your phone on your person. Every time Ive been in the hospital (which is a LOT)! they ALWAYS take away my phone, along with wallet keys etc.
Have faith, it will get better no doubt.
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