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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Milky Way
Posts: 4,746
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#1
Today started ok but got worse fast. By 2 pm I was planning my exit seriously. The panic, anxiety, and paranoia are unbelievable. After almost acting I called the hospital, and my doctor was able to get me in within hours.
Still, I have mixed feelings about living. I really donÂ’t want to be IP as IÂ’m scared of being harmed. I havenÂ’t seen my pdoc so I have no idea on treatment. Even with benzos and Seroquel on board IÂ’m freaking out. This is the last place on earth I want to be. If something/someone doesnÂ’t help me help myself soon I wonÂ’t make it. IÂ’m terrified. Without being psychotic this is the most vulnerable IÂ’ve been in memory. I battle constantly with my SI. It is intense. I donÂ’t know what you wonderful people can do to support me. Maybe just a post here and there. IÂ’m going out on a limb here. IÂ’m scared no one will respond which would crush me further. Sorry, IÂ’m struggling to think straight. IÂ’m trying to survive while secretly opposing that. In the end no one can say I didnÂ’t try. __________________ Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
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Crone
Member Since May 2010
Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
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#2
Is this the same hospital you've been in before? You know they have never harmed you and have helped you before. You gotta challenge that faulty thinking. It sounds like the hospital is the best place for you right now.
__________________ Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since May 2019
Location: USA
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#3
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Veteran Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: U.S.
Posts: 709
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#4
I hope you are hanging in there and doing ok. It’s very hard to face our feelings and fears. It feels overwhelming sometimes. If you hang in there it will get better. They have to follow specific protocols in the hospital to make sure you are safe and cared for properly. Hopefully you will see your pdoc soon.
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Legendary
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Portland
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#5
I am happy you are where you are, Wander. I also struggle with tons of SI. Being on PC a lot has really saved me. Happy you reached out. Don't give up. Don't throw in the towel. There are people who care all around you here. Sending you positive vibes and prayers!
__________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 3,021
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#6
Hey Wander. I am so grateful you made the call when you did. I know you hate the hospital, but the part of your brain that is working to fight for you knew you'd be safe there.
Nammu is right. You have to try to challenge your brain when the faulty thoughts arrive. When they come up, don't entertain them. Recognize them for what they are and then do something to occupy your mind. When intrusive thoughts pop up in my mind I say NO and then I sing a song in my head until I am calm again. Sometimes I have to repeat the song a few times, but I keep playing the song in my head over and over until my thought pattern changes. Technically speaking I believe music is stored in another part of the brain and it engages area of memory recall that are different than the area of the brain managing the intrusive thoughts. It helps me to think about what I'm trying to achieve scientifically. It all feels a bit more medical and less unique and scary to me that way. Keep posting and write whatever you want. Tell us a story. Tell us about what the room you're in looks like. Tell us what they fed you for dinner. Tell us what you notice about the people around you. Whatever. Just occupy your mind somehow by engaging your senses and by being present in the current moment. Grounding and using your senses also helps with the anxiety and repeating thoughts. We are here for you. Don't give up!!! |
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Wander
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Legendary Wise Elder
Community Liaison
Member Since Jul 2011
Location: Tennessee
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#7
Wander I’m glad your safe. Let them take care of you
__________________ Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Milky Way
Posts: 4,746
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#8
Yes, it’s the same hospital. No staff has harmed me before, but they have been very unhelpful, dismissive, and cold. That is rare though. I think my paranoia stems from my psychotic admission in February when I believed all the staff were out to harm me. Then I was completely convinced. Now I’m just paranoid. Thanks.
__________________ Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
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Poohbah
Member Since May 2018
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 1,205
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#9
I'm glad you reached out for help. There might be ups and downs along the way while you're there but you're getting help and that's what is important.
Hang in there. There is hope. __________________ * Dx: Unspecified Bipolar and Related Disorder * Rx: Remeron, Prozac, Klonopin, Vraylar My avatar picture is a photo of the Whirlpool Galaxy I took in April 2023. I dedicated this photo to my sister who passed away in July 2016. |
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Wander
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Milky Way
Posts: 4,746
9 2,611 hugs
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#10
Quote:
__________________ Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
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bizi
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Legendary
Member Since Apr 2012
Location: Earth
Posts: 14,903
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#11
. I'm glad you are safe and you're letting them help you.
__________________ Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog |
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Wander
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Milky Way
Posts: 4,746
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#12
It’s 9 pm now. I’ve had interviews with a senior nurse, and my pdoc. The nurse was amazing. So skilled, funny, and compassionate. My pdoc apologised for not getting back to me last week. He had problems getting messages that day. Technology hey. He was very supportive, and talked with me about what I think they can do to best help me. No med changes apart from extra Clonazepam and Seroquel. He also suggested I tell my parents that he wants me to have a few days without visitors to give me a break from the trigger of seeing them. I know a break would be good but I feel so guilty as my Mum lives to serve others so will be lost at home not visiting me.
These positive experiences with my pdoc and nurse have helped ease the paranoia. Still, SI floods me. I’m on frequent observations to keep me safe. Thank you so much for all your replies. They really mean a great deal to me. __________________ Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
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Nammu
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 3,021
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#13
I can appreciate why you'd do that. It is a protective mechanism. However, we need to shift your thought patterns that you're stuck in. I know it feels scary, but take it one little step at a time if you can. Start with a song maybe.
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bizi
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Wander
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 3,021
5 4,300 hugs
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#14
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bizi
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Wander
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Poohbah
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: NY
Posts: 1,168
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#15
I'm glad that you are safe. You seem to have good insight when it comes to knowing when IP is necessary, which is good. I wish you a speedy recovery.
__________________ dx: schizoaffective bipolar type; OCD; GAD rx: clozapine, clonazepam PRN |
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bizi
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Wander
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Bizi is bizi
Member Since Nov 2005
Location: cajun country
Posts: 10,848
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#16
Dear wander, oh am glad that you reached out for help. Am very glad that your health team have been responsive to you including your pdoc. Yes have the nurse call your mom.
I am hooping you are sleeping by now. and get good sleep. klonipin always let me sleep. Take it a day at a time....let them take care of you for a while. ((((((HUGS)))))) bizi __________________ 150mg of lamictal 2x a day haldol 5mg 2x a day 1mg of cogentin 2x a day klonipin , 1mg at night, 4-5 peri-colace for chronic constipation multi vit,, vit c, at noon, tumeric, caffeine at noon PRN Remeron 15mg at night, zyprexa10mg under tongue, requip2mg. |
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Legendary
Member Since Oct 2004
Location: usa
Posts: 11,196
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#17
I’m
Glad you’re safe! We all care about you here and want you around. __________________ Bipolar 1 w/psychotic features or schizoaffective bipolar type PTSD generalized anxiety OCD celexa, prazosin, Lybalvi and prn zyprexa and klonopin |
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bizi
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Wander
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Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2009
Location: NW US
Posts: 9,383
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#18
Wander I'm so glad you reached out and that you've gotten reassurances to ease the paranoia. You are in my thoughts. Here's to things getting better.
__________________ ********* Mr. Robot Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside. --The Cure
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bizi
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Wander
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Milky Way
Posts: 4,746
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#19
Thanks. I’m not in a Bipolar episode so my insight is decent. Still, it took much pressure from my T, a close friend, and a crisis to get me to arrange hospital.
__________________ Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
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bizi
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Milky Way
Posts: 4,746
9 2,611 hugs
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#20
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__________________ Bipolar 1 with psychotic features PTSD "Phew! For a minute there I lost myself." 'Karma Police' by Radiohead |
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