I feel like an absolute failure.

It's probably time for me to go back on meds. It's been a while, but this year has been such an abysmal mess. I've been in a horrible depressive phase that's caused me to gain weight and more or less blow up my life.

I've been trying to get an engineering degree. Last semester, my boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up. He was in the military, and I had moved cross-country with him three years prior.I decided to move back home, and so I dropped all of my classes to make that move. I rationalized that it was just one semester, life happens, I'll pick back up and try again.

I tried to take 17 credit hours this semester while working about 30 hours a week. It was a DISASTER. I was constantly missing assignments or calling out of work or just curling in on myself and avoiding everything completely. Now I've failed three of the five classes I was taking. Like, fully failed. F's in each. The other two, I got C's, so barely scraped a pass.

The university will let me replace the fail grades with a retake *once.* But after dropping last semester and then doing terribly this semester, I just feel like an idiot and a failure. I know now that I can't handle more than two classes a semester. So I feel good knowing what I can handle. But every time I start to think about the nearly $10,000 I dropped this year, just to fail everything, my skin starts to crawl and everything in my brain starts screaming about how I'll never manage to be anything. I'll always be in this same spot, doing "okay" in school (or downright failing) and never actually getting anywhere.

I'm 26 years old. I feel like time is running out and I'm never going to be anything. I just feel like complete and utter crap. I also lost all eligibility for financial aid after this semester, so I'm having to take six months off of school to save up money.

I could really use some encouragement.

You're far from a failure, but 30 hours working and 17 credit hours at the same time is basically undoable by the vast majority of people in this world, including the most mentally well folks of all. I'm glad to read that you get second chances/redos. That is a good opportunity. One of the greatest lessons in life is learned by failing and than redoing in a more reasonable way.

26 years old is YOUNG. I'm in my late 40s and believe I will be something in the future. I'm something right now, even as a woman on disability with no kids. You're something right now, too. Please get back to some therapy and/or treatment so that you can realize that more fully.

Hugs

Can you do a medical withdraw or is it to late? You'd have to take everything over again but you may keep your aid, look into it. Or see if they'll let you take I's and make up the work. It can't hurt to ask. Taking part time seems like a good plan if you can stick to it for that many years. Your not a failure many people take longer to get their degree, life happens, be kind to yourself. What would you say/think about a friend in that situation? Look into trio [student success services(???)] program is for disadvantaged students. Usually they have their own counselors, tutors, book/calculator rentals...What I'm trying to say is build a support system for when you go back. What type of Engineering are you doing?

Could not agree with this more. It was the first thing I thought. That's more credits than even full time, AND 30 hours a week working????!! Yikes! Of COURSE it was a disaster -- it would be for ANYONE(!) I work 36 hours a week and am glad to keep up with the basics, let alone schooling.
And I'll also second that 26 is young.

Don't beat yourself up. Dust off and proceed with a do-able plan. Avail yourself of the re-dos. You are NOT an idiot or failure!! You just had an overly ambitious plan. It happens.

Breathe. Take it a step at a time. You've got this.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

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You have not failed. You are perfect the way you are. This quote really helped me see that who I have become through all trauma, horror, and Bipolar do not define me. There is no 'perfect' plan for the future. Just grow with the flow. Also having our wonderful plans hijacked at the last minute hurts like hell but may also take you to a beautiful place you never expected to be. I am still working on my own sense of feeling like a failure. This meme helped me. Sorry if it annoys you. I juts wanted you to know how wonderful you are right this moment.

You shouldn't feel a failure at all, and at 26, you've got soooooooo much life ahead of you yet! I know what it's like to go through what you're going through. I had very similar circumstances to what you've described. That was when I was 32. I thought that I was a total failure, and would never amount to anything. I came across an opportunity in a field totally unrelated to what I went to school for, and I never looked back!

Having a short term bad run of things going wrong seems like wasted time and that things will never improve. I'm a firm believer in things working out how they're supposed to work out. It sounds like you've hit a reflection point, and that you're doing a great job of learning from things. It sounds to me like you're going to do very well for yourself. Don't let the short term get you down!