Giddy's Thoughts #1

Was posting this earlier and got distracted.

So I had a pretty good day too! Got stuff done and then went to visit "my" kitties. (Oh they're so cute and my buddy, "Graybee" was like cuddling with me on my coat while we watched Netflix. Then I came home and cooked and now I just finished eating. Yummy! Also, watching Nancy Drew right now, a favorite show.

Well, I overslept and was still tired but probably needed it because I guess I didn't sleep until after 2:30am...that's kinda late. And fingernail picking was keeping me up. Sigh! and I think I had some unpleasant dreams, but I must be repressing them because I only get glimpses and negative feelings. :/ Going to try to make the most of today though!

wanted to see the kitties again today and watch Lucifer. Looks like I'm not going to get time. :/

This might not make a lot of sense because I'm copying and pasting different thoughts throughout the day and distracted as I compile all this. oops!

Well, I guess I must just be enjoying life too much right now to be up to posting much. Lol Good right? I'm super excited about this new (newly discovered) show I started looking into the day before yesterday and watching it last night. I was afraid it might scare me, and it still might later on, but im super curious about it. I really enjoy one of the actors in it. And there's still another show i need to finish, but i ended the season I was on, so I figure it's a decent breaking point. All of this I have to watch at my parents place because I don't have Netflix, so I basically get another week to enjoy this until they return and take back their tv. I'm also enjoying the company of their kitties ("my" kitties I say because I adore them like they're my own). They've 2 baby boys, Graybee and Blackie (not real names). One is very shy, Blackie, but he comes around for special treats lol and occasionally let's me pet him till he purrs. And then there is Graybee, the extrovert. Lol He's super affectionate and my pal.

What else? We cooked a special meal tonight which was very tasty, and I finally got my pizza yesterday. Pretty good weekend I'd say. So I'm gonna share my good vibes with all of you now.

Hugs

My sleep is all goofy. I go to bed late and can manage to wake up early, but when I sleep at an earlier hour, I oversleep. Or is this just my way of compensating? I wish I could just have a normal schedule, but there are just too many variables that happen in a night that determine the amount of sleep I need...or am I just being stubborn? One person has told me I should get up same time every day no matter what (Well, obviously not if I'm very sick or up all night for something). Is that smart? Or do I just have enough of a disturbance on a regular basis that this is just impossible? I really don't know. Feel free to share your two cents or if you have more questions...

Hi

Hi @Fuzzybear <3

I feel like I have so much to update on, but I keep forgetting to do it here and get sucked into other random threads. Not like that's a bad thing, but I feel I should have more organization.

Now that I'm here though, I don't know what to say!

I mean, I'm prompted by things like my picking OCD stuff, and I checked out a FB group and got one suggestion (regular manicures and keeping fingers moisturized), but I'm not sure if that will work or if I...well, I mean it's winter and I'm just so dry. I was also advised that if or when I tell my hubby, to be prepared with literature on the subject. Wish we had a working printer though!

Anyway, something else, Uhhh, the diabetes scare. Well no, I haven't been diagnosed and it doesn't run in my family (although my mom's oldest sis did just get it. Eek! But that's our first case). As I said in another thread, hubby worries because it runs in his family and he knows what a pain it is and he sees my sedentary lifestyle and the fat, particularly around my midsection (not that he's not attracted to me still, but he worries). So, I'm meant to soon get tested for these things, but I've already got an appointment for other testing and it's in the afternoon and so it'd be hard to fast, plus I'm afraid of them taking too much blood at once. Anyway, so now I've gotta make another appointment. Stress!

Um, what else is going on? I'm trying to be better with my internet time. I seem better and yet I'm still on as much time as before probably. I mean, it's strange. Seems I'm checking threads less and if I sleep in late, well I don't have as much time in the morning...and I've pretty much stopped reading my FB timeline and just focusing on a few specific posts...but I suppose some threads I do visit, or posts on Twitter, lead me down that proverbial rabbits hole and I spend more time with that. Like for instance, I follow a 90s nostalgia thread and one post got me thinking about a tv show from back then and then I realized one of my present celebrity obsessions was in that and so I had to go watch that, or at least part of it, and then I had to go share the news among our fangroup... Sigh!

Well, this is enough for now, I think. I also need to get back to peeling garlic and ginger for our homemade ginger/garlic paste for tonight's dinner so...im off for now!

Ok, so I'm kinda disturbed at the moment by this particular season of a show I started watching...guess it illuminates some fears for me. I ugh, expressed my fear to someone online and they said the show isn't that bad. But see, this is from the male perspective and now I'm a little scared that I shared my fear. I dunno. Hopefully I'll get over it. I've been Googling all night trying to find ways to overcome fear. I feel a little bit better now...

Oh! but what brought me to this forum was to admit that while watching the show, I was engaging in my picking "ocd" thing again (for those who haven't read it yet, I haven't officially been seen nor diagnosed about this yet since it's really only been concerning since this year/couple of months). Anyway, so I suppose fear, which is kinda anxiety, right (?) is a trigger for my obsessive compulsive tendencies.

On a happier note, got to see my precious kitties again and shy Blackie was hovering around me even more again tonight. I realize that I might only be loved because I give out treats, lol, but this was even before that and after as well! <3 <3 <3 Too bad I can't live with him and possibly help him completely overcome his shyness...I suppose he's better with my folks too, but I know he still even gets jumpy with them. He won't even play with his toy on a string because it scares him! um...well, that wasn't a very happy ending....

How about this- does anyone else know someone who's smile just lights up their day?? They can be people you know or people you don't (like celebrities). I have a few and I just think of those happy smiles and it warms my heart! Happy smiles (and hugs) to all who need them/want them!!

I'm trying to fight these symptoms of depression with sunshine, coffee, and forcing myself awake. I dunno why lately I just feel so tired! I guess I'm a little bummed my "vacation" is over. :/
Suppose daylight savings didn't help either. I went to bed earlier, but since we pushed the clocks ahead an hour, it was pretty much pointless. Sigh!

Feeling a bit better, but I didn't sleep well last night. Hubs is worried about something and kept me up half the night worrying about him. I hope things go well for him today and we both get some sleep tonight. <3

Hope it’s okay if I reply, just wanted to say that I hope you’re doing okay giddykitty and got some sleep

A lot of pills you take and o have a lot on my mind and I need help writing and poetry and stories I want rock write some blogs about myself. Please give me some thoughts or topics to write about.

@Blue_Bird Of course it's ok if you reply! Thanks for this! I did get sleep last night. In fact, I got too much sleep (again. :/) I was trying to remember when I when to sleep, but I know I was awake at 8am, but then I napped again from ??? to 1pm. I was a bit disappointed because I slept through my soap opera again. :/ I'm hoping it's all just pms tiredness and not something wrong with me. I've been taking a lot of naps lately and sleeping longer even when I do go to bed earlier. hmm

@Jewerlygirl1986 Um, not sure what your post has to do with my thread here. These are just my personal thoughts, a journal if you will here on PC. If you have questions or anything, you might want to start your own thread to ask folks for ideas. I'm still not sure what I can do. Good luck!

Hugs

Supposing I should update this since it's been a few. I'm just so tired lately! I suppose it could go hand n hand with being a bit lazy. I set an alarm and got up today and I'm gonna try to stay up this time...and exercise even!! (Just a little walk...oh! But I found a fun new video on arm exercises I want to try!) Funny! I was up and going by bedtime last night. Didn't want to sleep. But when hubby suggested I take a little walk inside the house, I dunno, I just felt like jumping into bed. I guess I wanted to be warm and cozy, but I did shake my leg for awhile to burn off some energy. I woke up again tempted to come online, but I finally went back to sleep. Then I woke up a third time when hubby got up for work. I still had 2 hours before my alarm, so I went back to sleep. (Like I said, I wanted to get up and stay up today). So now, I'm awake for the final time today (hopefully) and I'm ready to start the day!

Maybe I'll just stop at there. I was going to say something about my picking though. It's actually maybe a little better (?) But I did pick at one nail this morning. I'll go file it down so I'm not tempted anymore. I trimmed another possible temptation last night. I only have one more long nail left really, but it hasn't bothered me yet, so I'll keep it till it does.

Seriously, we are not our mental illnesses, but I do think it's important to keep track of these things, especially if you have to talk about them with a professional soon. I've been really bad about keeping a personal journal, so this is my outlet right now. I'm lucky, I guess, in that I haven't been really moody lately. It's just the sleep issues and the obsessive compulsive things (I eat compulsively too sometimes, like with pretzels-gluten free and crackers-Oh wait, those aren't GF tsk, tsk, tsk) but have also been trying to incorporate more healthy fats and veggies in my diet, so I think that helps.

Ok, I'm going to wrap this up (because I'm already boring and self hate, self hate-wait! What?!...guess I'm a little moody) before I drone on too much. Anyway, I appreciate the reads and the hugs. Take care everyone!

Ok, so I'm not doing a very good job today of staying offline. If I'm not here, I'm somewhere else. But I did start in a new direction (will touch on that in a sec) and I at least got outside for 10-15 minutes in this gorgeous spring weather. *snuggles

But that brings me back to the whole point of why I'm seeking insight into myself. These good feelings may not be extreme enough, it's too soon to tell. However, it brings me back to the incidents that made me consider hypomania in the first place.
The feelings I experienced in 2016 and the behaviors I made whilst feeling this "on top of the world" feeling are being remembered today. and subsequently, that all started in spring too. It was a pleasant experience of community with this particular group and I was feeling some real camaraderie and closeness with a special few. I call them my "favorite person/s". I thought they were experiencing the same bliss, if you will, that I was experiencing with the relationship. I was blind to any possible clues that that was not the case. I still don't know if it was ignorance on my part or if it could have been the mood induced haze...perhaps it was a bit of both. But I was flyin! ...until I finally got the first true sign of pushback. Then I became defensive, aggressive and irritated as well as confused. I recklessly acted stupidly because of this anxiety and things just spiraled from there...there was some peace for a little while, but ultimately it all ended leaving me in the one of the worst depressive states of my existence.

And that "new direction" I had mentioned earlier...well, I'm making actions to get back into this writing program again. I'm already spread thin, but I'm feeling this creative bug again that I haven't felt in 2 years! I was reasoning that I'd do this to get me away from so much screentime (ironically, I type so much better than physically writing with pen and paper, but I'll try the pen and paper thing too)...but I'm worried that it will just give me an additional place to spend more hours online when I'm trying to cut back!...I dunno. But to me, this is what I would consider my "hypomania"....perhaps it's not true hypomania, but maybe it is! I neglect other things, important things, because I'm lost in these "hobbies"! I guess it just depends how much this happens...so I'm going to be tracking this now, likely here, with what concerns me....

today I'm in a hyper good mood, restless and unable to be there for others because I'm stuck in my world...it truly concerns me.

Thanks for reading!

I really like journaling.

@giddykitty I totally understand the depression that would come from a relationship crumbling. Just yesterday, in fact, my T commented on how sensitive I am and how frequently and reliably something like that pushes or kicks me into a slump.

As to writing, does it have to be a formal programme? There are so many ways to stimulate creativity both within oneself and based on outside input.

Im sorry your struggling. Honestly what I think will help you the most is putting structure into your life.. When your alarm goes off GET UP. Wash your face, brush your teeth, Skin routine if you have any.. Make your bed... And stay out of your bedroom..

Set certain tasks you must do before you get online.. Maybe.... clean the bathroom, vaccum , dust and clean kitchen, Do it every single day... Your building structure. When you feel the need to take a nap , well Dont .. Get up and go for a walk... You might have to go take a walk 5 times a day.

When depressed its hard to find motivation to do anything, But meds only do so much, We are responsible for doing everything we can to strive for stability.

So make a list of things you can do daily to help you from getting online right off the bat.

As for friendships falling apart , It sucks , awful and terrible but you cant let it sling you down a dark hole..

So... Pull out paper and pen and write a list of things you can do in your home that has nothing to do with online.. Do you chart your moods daily? There are tons of apps that you can try and find one you like, I say journal each day.. You do from what I see in your post have some Borderline going on, Im no Doctor of course , just an observation, There are DBT work books you can order off Amazon that you can work through. It might help you regulate your emotions better.

Hope your feeling better soon.. When is your appt with a Pdoc? soon I hope