Giddy's Thoughts #1

Thank you all for reading and your responses!

@whatever2013 might I ask for some tips on journaling?

@Daonnachd sorry you struggle too. If you keep reading, I'll further explain some more of what happened. It was really rough! As far as the writing, well I feel I get a bit of structure with the program, plus it's new this year and I'm curious about how it is changing. It still will be a lot of independent work tho. I dunno.

@~Christina Wow! Thank you for that and thinking about what I might need. Unfortunately change like that is not easy or even possible in my mind?? Um, sorry. Im thinking about breakfast for example. I have all my medicines and supplements laid out by my bedside so I actually eat in bed to get quick access to all of those. But I can try some of the other things,...maybe...eh hem. It's just so hard! I've a million reasons but you are not the first person to make such suggestions.

Also, I was wondering where you got borderline from (besides the "favorite person" thing) so then I reread my post and realized that I didn't make it clear that these moods were happening over a period of 8 to 10 months. Like I had euphoric moods through spring, sprinkled with anxiety as well as excitement. Then it started to turn more dysphoric towards summer with lots of anxiety and confusion and hurt. Was the first sign something was wrong. Then there was peace again. Euphoria returned. I felt like I'd forgotten everything bad that was said to me and that everything was forgotten, on both sides. But then paranoia started seeping in by fall when I was getting some negativity from other people, not even the persons I was concerned with. And by the end of the year, bam! I was suddenly left by the first person. Still talking to the second person through all of this, they tried to sort out what happened, to help me even, and we continued being friends until they started getting busy and I got paranoid again. They never expressed outright that i was bothering them, but they ultimately chose to go with their friend and abandon me too. Being strung along that second year was like a mixed bag. It was good in that at first I knew I wasn't totally abandoned, but then ultimately I was and even though I saw it coming the second time, knew it couldn't last (was too good to be true) it still hurt like a ton of bricks! But again, the first was even more devastating because it was just like, bam! No real warning on a personal level. Like they kept saying that I was fine to them personally. Was just a real head screw!
So yeah, took me about 3 years to fully move on from that and well, I still get triggered sometimes.

But so I'm not sure that I was exactly moody as opposed to having these extended mood episodes, possibly even mixed episodes at some points. Oh, the other thing of it is that I was tested for this and got no bpd traits. I did, however, present with some traits of dependant personality disorder. But again, no official dx of personality disorder, just G AD, unspecified bipolar presenting with depression when I was tested (the testing unfortunately didn't happen until a year or more after I started therapy)

Oh, I'll be seeing my GP last week of March. We'll discuss possibly re entering therapy and psychiatric help then.

Hi! Wanted to leave you this. Maybe you already know about this?

Fish Oil, Vitamin B-12 May Offer Relief During That Time of the Month

Much Love

I agree with Christina that at least there may be a Borderline trait or two, but in my opinion, having read everything you've written, your moods are, for the most part, and to use an unfortunate phrase, 'normal'...

If you test/ask a massive cohort of people about their changes in mood and the reasons why, you will find exactly what you have written about: mostly stability, however with ups and downs, largely in response to environmental triggers. If a graph were drawn, I don't see your moods entering dangerous territory.

It appears to me that you *want*, above all, a diagnosis. That is, you want us to support the notion that something is terribly 'wrong' with you. I can't support this, for the reasons cited above.

I do suggest, as many have, that you consult a pdoc, however I would caution against presenting as a 'typical' BP patient in order to get the diagnosis you seek. If you do see a pdoc, please go in there with an open mind. Keeping a mood journal is a great idea, but please don't go in there with your mind made up.

I think that taking breaks from the internet/social media might benefit you. And I mean your mental health and your search for a diagnosis. It can become a feedback loop that either confirms or denies your own opinions concerning your mental health, and I fear you will set aside any suggestions that you might not meet the criteria for the diagnosis you're wishing for.

I wish you the best of luck. I do hope you're able to get referrals to a pdoc and a therapist. Also, Christina's suggestion that you do DBT I think is a good one. I haven't done it, but my understanding is that it's not just for those with BPD, and that it could, potentially, help everyone and anyone.

This ^^^^^^offered by Gabyunbound is on the money, in my own humble opinion.

In reality, MANY have offered you great advice over the time you have been with us.

Giddy, seeking (and being diagnosed with) a diagnosis you think you want (and do not have)can have long-term adverse effects upon your life.
Should you mislead a pdoc (consciously or not) and you receive a diagnosis, the diagnosis will follow you for a lifetime. At some point you may discover this is not only incorrect , but is also no longer desired and you will not be able to get rid of the diagnostic history , nor any detrimental effects upon your life.

Many of us had suggested, when you first came to this site, that you keep a mood chart and possibly a diary, that you stop seeking to fit any particular diagnosis and that you see a pdoc.

I am unsure as to why you will not heed any of this advice and am also unsure of what you are looking for while you are here? I am not saying you have no place here, don't get me wrong. Many people have taken a LOT of time to read your very many posts and have offered a LOT of advice. You blow it off and/or invalidate almost anything anyone offers to you. This is your perogative, of course; yet, it leaves me puzzled as to what you are looking for from this community?

I AM concerned about you and I do think you have very real needs.: however, it certainly appears as though you not addressing them.
There comes a time when many of us give up because we feel you still are not listening, or not listening enough to take some real measures which will make real changes in your life. If you don't care then who should?

You could investigate DBT simply be visiting dbtselfhelp.com. This site is largely written by people who have mastered DBT and hope to offer others the same opportunity (at no charge). The site has been successful; it has been offering DBT lessons/opportunities and support since 2001.

Please do reconsider some of the suggestions .
Please do take a look at DBT.

In the very least, please see a pdoc and a therapist. I honestly think a therapist might help you in a very big way. It's clear you can benefit from some help in sorting things out as well as some support while doing so.

I hope you will find whatever is truly most helpful to you, not only now, but also in the longer term aspects of your life.

Please do tell us how we CAN help?

We do care.

Good luck with that GP giddy kitty. I hope that GP listens to you.

In my humble opinion and experience, having NO diagnosis is much preferable to having an incorrect diagnosis.

I have not read all your posts but I too sense some ''normal'' moods and not a diagnosis of a Severe Mental Illness. Believe me, you do not want such a diagnosis if it is not correct, and neither would you want the heavy duty ''meds'' which would often accompany such a diagnosis (whether correct or not)

Aside from that, on pc, I'm not sure if you've explored the ''games forum'' - there are many word games etc which are good for distraction.

I too recommend DBT, this helps many, with or without a ''borderline'' diagnosis.

much love

Hi giddykitty

Maybe you could give us some tips for journalling?

I am also sensitive..

I actually didn't know about this, but I have been taking both for quite some time (well, actually I take b-6 now, but took b-12 for many months before). It didn't work for cramping though. Sadly.

I don't know why I can't seem to multiquote, so I just have to tag in the rest of the folks, I guess. @Fuzzybear @Gabyunbound @~Christina and might as well tag you too @Wild Coyote and anyone else concerned or reading...
Please hear me out.

Well, to this particular quote,

WC, where IS all this coming from? I don't heed ANY advice??!! When did I ever say that?

-Journaling and mood charts-I have been doing those on and off since joining here (and maybe even before when my NPdoc required it). I can't say that I've been very good at it or that it's been very helpful (well, some of it. when I keep it short and sweet), but the longer posts, i mean, how am I ever to look back and find anything in this mess?? And, fyi, I did those mood charts and my NPdoc never even looked at them! :/

-DBT-have already tried it-didn't work for me

-I told Christina (in PM) that I had already been working on some of her suggestions...but it IS hard or next to impossible for a lot of those suggestions and for a number of reasons

-Fuzzy- I have also been trying some of the games here, but so far I haven't had much time for fun and games...i also use the chat.

I'm getting mixed messages here. I'm "normal" but I have issues?? what does that mean? Ok, ok, I understand and respect that you don't think I should want to be labeled as something that I don't have, that "no diagnosis is better than the wrong diagnosis". But if I'm having normal experiences, why then is it such an imperative that I even see a pdoc? And that brings me to my final point. I feel like some of you don't respect me unless I have a pdoc (have you even considered that they might all be terrible here?)

-how CAN you help? You can start by reading this journal thread regularly that a few of you insisted I do (against what I thought might be most beneficial to me...but I "heeded" that advice). But Just be supportive and sympathetic. share examples of what works for you or for others, but remember that all people and circumstances are different and what works for someone may not work for me. so be patient and understanding if and when I say I've tried something and it doesn't work. And/or be sympathetic to my fears and anxieties about doing new things. Most of you do this already and I see it being done for others, so I don't think this is too much to ask.

I do love and care about ALL of you too! I wouldn't be communicating with you so much if I didn't! But it is getting exhausting explaining myself time after time when it seems I am not being heard (just as you seem to think you are not being heard). I'd hate for it to come to this, but if I feel like we'll just never be in agreement, then maybe I'll have to stop replying or even stop posting in this section altogether. Just so you know, I've been pretty upset about these things for the past few days and I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't care.

Hugs and love to you all!

I'm sending hugs and respect


I didn't know you'd tried DBT. I had a good friend who didn't find DBT helpful. I don't know where she is now

I have heard that sometimes providers are not understanding. But there some who are understanding.

If you use an online resource you can go at your own pace. :-)

Was it online or IRL, the DBT? Or a self help workbook?

It would be worth giving DBT another try though I think.. some people have several ''rounds'' of DBT.

Is there something in particular about DBT that doesn't help?

How are things today? I'm not feeling that good today (understatement) ... not anything to do with anything in this thread. (grouphug)

If you find writing here helpful, I'm listening

Addressing one of your questions...


The idea is that a pdoc is there to provide an accurate diagnosis.

Do all pdocs always provide accurate diagnoses? Probably not

But there is probably a better chance of a pdoc giving an accurate ''diagnosis'' than me for example since I do not have a degree in medicine/psychology.

I think that even a ''mediocre'' pdoc may be of more help to you than an ''average'' GP. GP's really are NOT trained in psych. And in my experience, some of them are worse than useless.

Sorry I didn't reply sooner. Quite the busy day. Oh and I meant to go look for my DBT workbook pages to help answer your questions better.
Well, I can say it was IRL... she worked out of a workbook and basically spent the session reading to me. :P nah! Sorry, I exaggerate a bit. She Did explain a few things and clarify when I had questions. We did a few drills there but most was meant for at home. I never felt mastery at the things, but she said I was doing fine. We stopped for a minute when she had asked my hubby and parents to write a letter to her describing my good qualities. Frankly, parents didn't have a lot to say and I'm not sure I'm even actually any good at some of what they said. Husband, omg, wrote how I used to be good at crochet and cooking for instance but now I don't really do much. Yeah, my supposed partner couldn't even come up with one thing! She said that says more about him than me. This is why I want couple's counseling...well, like part of the main reason. Anyway, back to DBT, well we progressed a bit more, but then I got stuck with the creative stuff. Like, I couldn't really participate in these activities as examples and never will...and like it was asking me to change things that I couldn't change or something (this is where my notes might be helpful). But so basically if I couldn't do that exercise, I couldn't move on so we both agreed it would be a waste of time and money to continue. :/ Believe me, I felt pretty bummed after that.

Sorry you didn't have such a great day. Are you feeling any better now? I'm...i don't really know how I am. No, I guess I'm just tired...although I seem to have some energy atm. Weird. But not like exercising energy. I've been avoiding it for as long as possible (the crap virus of the day), but its starting to affect me. Food items running out and I'm staying home and I'm stressing about guaranteeing hubby s lunches because a lot of restaurants will be closing by his work. Ugh! But he has no lunch for tomorrow. He says there HAS to be something open. For both our sakes, I really hope so! Because he gets crabby when hungry. Hopefully I'll be able to make a good meal...

On another note, pdoc related, she was getting sick of my constant complaining about my cooking anxiety. Ironically, it has gotten better now after a few months away from it. Not that it's related, it's just too bad she can't see the progress that she was demanding for next meeting (that never happened)...i mean, its not like the anxiety would have been gone at that point anyway, and I'm clearly starting to stress again. Sigh! Sorry for whining.

Part of why pdoc ended was because she wanted to see me doing more things and me doing more things with hubby. The things with hubby never really really happened. I mean, there were a few times, but not regular and that was much past the fact too, so we just didn't want to keep revisiting the same story over and over and pay for a visit just to refill prescriptions and wait for 3 hours for the appointment (ok, the last time was a VERY long wait, but most visits were still more than reasonably long waits and it wasn't easy getting appointments either, so you had to suck it up and waste your whole day there. Sigh) My GP can fill my prescriptions several times over without me having to come in for almost a year! Although I have been seeing him every couple of months now for like the last year.

Ok, now I'm sorry for droning on....bleh!

Hi Giddykitty,

First of all, I love kitties too!! I'm like a cat lady with only one cat. I'm obsessed with him!

Just two things: "normal with issues" is precisely what 'normal' looks like. *Everyone* has issues. This doesn't mean you are not an entirely unique human being; you are.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I've suggested you see a pdoc so that you can -hopefully- get an accurate diagnosis (or none), instead of relying on non-experts like us. We can give our opinions, and obviously I have, but only a true diagnostician, one who truly gets to know you before making a diagnosis, can make that determination. Now, if you feel that, for example, the first pdoc has made a (non)-diagnosis too hastily, you can always seek a second opinion; I personally feel that a diagnosis should not be made during the first appointment, unless, I suppose, if you do one of those hours-long psych assessments.

Good luck in your search.

Hey all!

Ok, so to @Fuzzybear I just dug up my DBT papers. Haven't had time to really look over them again, but what I think was the last page I received was about requiring a validating environment, with people who validate your feelings and encourage you in your quest for self improvement but are patient etc, etc... As I was saying yesterday, it's been a little difficult with hubby. I will say that more recently though as I was finally able to find this online now about the "love languages", I've been able to pick a few that I really need and am lacking and he has seemingly been trying a little. So I count my blessings. But yes, it's still difficult in those moments where he thinks I'm overreacting and/or that I shouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling but feeling what he's feeling (you know, because he's always right of course. *rolls eyes)...but yesterday he started to do this about something and then continued to say something about if he were in charge he could end world hunger or some ridiculously overconfident statement. He WAS exaggerating in fact though, and I totally called him out on it saying "now you're REALLY being ridiculous!...about all of it!" And he laughed...so I guess that just means he likes to push my buttons sometimes, but I laughed too. Sometimes you just gotta have a sense of humor about things...take advantage of those moments to relax. Oh, but the other point I was getting to was that I feel like I'm also getting better at standing up for myself...

but that could very much be a mood thing. When I was depressed, I was too tired to argue or fight back, nor could I even think of what I could possibly even say to get through to his "always has an answer for everything" mind...you have to be really clever when you want to talk to him. It's not necessarily a bad thing or not bad all of the time. He's really helped improve me in many ways, but it's difficult when he seems to get away with his, at times, ridiculous thinking making most days a challenge. Sigh! Ok, that was another long answer to your question. Moving on!

@Gabyunbound (and everyone) Yay kitties!! <3 But in all seriousness, I see your point. I hear you. Thing of it is, and maybe I wasn't clear about this before, but I did take one of those hours-long psych assessments in addition to many months, maybe even a year of seeing the NPdoc and then the actual Pdoc. So, I feel like I have a pretty accurate diagnosis...NOW...but this took me a lot of asking all of you questions and really discovering what all these dxs actually mean! Like, I didn't accept the diagnoses at the time, because I didn't quite understand them. I feel like I'm now just seeking ways to deal with my issues and I'm curious about my past circumstances so that I don't repeat behaviors again, IF in fact, it was me or my issues that resulted in not so pleasant results. I think it's a little bit of both my issues as well as the issues of the other people I was trying to communicate with.

I will say that mindfullness and being self-aware (which my former therapist actually recognized that I am in fact quite good at) as well as recognizing and understanding my emotions and imagining different scenarios based on how I act on those feelings (something I was not so good at for the longest time) is a very important thing for me...but I'm not sure that's all or any of what I learned in my DBT experience. I mean, sure there was some, but I had already learned a lot from a book or two and lots and lots of curious searches on the internet/reading folks' experiences on here and other forums.

So, my final point to wrap ALL of this up is that I'm not trying to be argumentative or troublesome ever, nor am I saying that seeing another pdoc and/or therapist isn't a possiblity for me, but I have done pretty much everything I can now except maintenance...and so far, I feel like I'm getting sooo much help just from these forums and my GP is there as a professional to keep track of my entire wellbeing and not just prescribing medicines to patch a problem. His whole philosophy is to treat the whole person, so while he's not an expert in psychology for example, he's got a pretty good understanding and knows a lot of natural remedies for these things to try before mental physicians need to be added. I hope this makes sense!

Well, I just finished dusting and sweeping upstairs. Took me almost an hour because omg it was dusty! It gets neglected because it's so cold up there in winter and we never really use the upstairs. But it's even worse now since the window ACs had been installed. In fact, it almost never was dusty up there before, but now we get dust, dirt and parts of the bird's nests that have subsequently come along. Bleh!

Anyway, but I found a book of short stories I've never really read and my coloring book...and even a sock left by my nephew when they stayed cough cough two? summers ago. (Omg) I was actually hoping it was my long lost gloves, but no such luck. No luck on the colored pencils yet either, but i didnt really look everywhere for them.

Hubby is finally off the phone for now, so I should ...but I'm tired now! Bleh!

Oh, fyi he's starting to work from home now. Not required yet, but since he was the only one in the office yesterday and had an early morning meeting today, he decided to stay home and sleep in.

Oh wow! I thought I posted again but I guess I'm getting my irl journal mixed up with this. Ha!

Yes, I wrote a lot in that journal tonight as this device was charging and I didn't want hubby yelling at me for being distracted while cooking again. He was upset that I was cooking so late though, which is why I'm surprised I hadn't posted here again after my last post. What was I doing all that time?? Well I did have to wash dishes so I could cook and I had to prep the meat, then I watched some tv with hubby...ohhh, maybe I was on my other forum. Yep yep! I was. But the fact is, I was just so tired today and I wanted to snuggle with him and watch the last show. He wanted t too. He is going to have to learn that we can't do that in the day if he wants me to maintain my regular schedule. Ughhh this is gonna be rough! But we'll get through it somehow.

Oh, I'm needing to schedule some more appointments with the GP, bloodwork for me and a follow-up for hubby. Was gonna do it today but had to wait for hubby to get off the phone to ask him if that's what he wanted. We wasted time debating whether we should schedule if they might get canceled due to this virus ****. I said I think we should at least try and have them in the books. So we agreed, but by then I had to do other stuff and didn't get to call today. But now I'm worried that my appointment next week, after all this talking about it and prepping for it and having it rescheduled already, that it might be canceled. I would just hate that! This Corona is just utter **** man! I'm already so tired! Sigh!

Well, I'm getting sleepy...

Feeling mopey right now. Think it's because of the exciting dream I had about when my life had hope and a promise...ok, I mean I have that in a different way now, but back then I just felt creative and alive. Now my creativity seems to only happen in my dreams. :/

P.s. I'm also kinda disappointed at how I just can't find the desire or even reason for getting up in the morning and doing anything but get right online. Especially on a day like today, I really need that energy boost I get from my online friends and supporters. I've been taking my meds that require an empty stomach, and now I must get up and eat. I woke up an hour earlier than planned for today, so once again, I am tired...but I'm really trying to do all the right things...like I said though, it does get very hard when I can't find the desire or the reason for all of this. :/ But it's there, somewhere, I guess.

Ok, trying something a bit different today. Let's see how well this works.
So things are going ok, no major conflicts or anything, but I'm just getting very stressed and overwhelmed. I managed to call GP office and schedule appointments for me and hubby-goodI also got food prepped, washed most dishes, cleaned countertops and even began the deep clean process of the oven/stove (half done. hope this won't be a prob for hubby).I'll have to sweep and mop again because of this mess, but it's not too bad. It can wait another day or few.
As far as social contact, I'm still excited about all the friends I have and have been making as of late, but I don't think I can keep up today. Gonna have to step back from a few things. I wanted to go on an old forum and give out my Twitter address to a few folks there...but it can probably wait.
Found a new interest thread "what song is stuck in your head". that's always fun, but I am also trying to pay less attention to other threads for now, just to balance it. Maybe switch it up every other day or somthing.
Oh!!! Writing Camp!!! So I got word from one person last night that she'd be interested in a group with me. I haven't heard anything more today. It's still early. Folks don't usually decide groups until the last week of the month. Still uncertain now how or what I'm going to do as my writing project. "Blogging" (or journaling) is my main focus atm.
The month of April is going to be chaotic as it is because hubby and I have plans. Not sure just how much it will affect day to day, but I do have to shift focus on certain things (like meals.)
Speaking of meals, I was so hungry this morning that I forgot to take my meds on an empty stomach. Well, I took the probiotic, but forgot my thyroid meds until right before my first bite. I think it's fine once in awhile though. Still, it shows you how distracted I am!

I managed to brush my teeth right after breakfast/coffee today though. Just prioritized myself (well, not that I enjoy brushing, but i do feel better afterwards) this time, and THEN got to food prep and cleaning...and that appointments call. I am neglecting something else right now, but i'm sorry, I just needed to sit down and take this break atm. Thing is, it's a good thing that brings me peace though...
speaking of peace, I also need to workout. I feel like running, jumping, dancing- all of it right now! Unfortunately, I'd feel too guilty taking time away from my chores. I keep saying "i'll work out at night", but that's not always happening anymore.
It's tv night...sometimes I can actually work out during these shows. I can do my yoga stuff...maybe if I walk beFORE the shows, I can finish with yoga...that would mean working out by like 7 or 7:30...um, but when will I have dinner?? I'm planning to eat lunch here soon. it's almost 4...Not sure if I can wait until 8 to eat...especially since I'm not even sure how much food there IS for lunch. I need to allow time to cook too, so maybe 4:30-5:30 or 6 I can do that...then take some more downtime before working out.
Sounds like a plan! Now as long as there are no more unforeseen interruptions...
Also, fyi, my kinda goal bedtime is between 12:15am and 1am. So for an internet cutoff, I'm thinking 11/11:30?? It helps me relax before bed!! I dunno.
Ok, I think I did kinda ok on my "trying something different"...although it looks different on this screen, so I've probably failed once again. haha Not gonna tell you the plan just yet because I don't want any of us overthinking this right now.
Peace!

Had quite a busy day and I'm tired now, so I'll keep this short. Today is day 2 of 3 with cleaning the oven/stove. It's the first time I've ever cleaned an over and I'm proud of myself for finally learning and actually doing it. It's taken a little bit longer because there are some deep set in stains that need overnight soaking and I could only do one side of the stovetop plates at a time because I needed the stove for cleaning. So now the whole oven is sprayed and soaking and one side of the stovetop is all ready to go. Oh yes, and I also put foil over the plates, you know to avoid excess filth getting on them. Guess it helps, but those plates can still get pretty dirty! I had been doing pretty good with keeping those cleaned and the foil changed out regularly, but there were some deep set in stains that have now only come out with the oven cleaner. Call me a dork or whatever, but I'm excited to have clean things!

So, first I have to mention how awful the third movie in the series we've been watching was. I mean, it is laughably horrible! A kid could have been doing the filming, the acting was just getting by (different cast from the other 2), and the plot twist was just a joke to the franchise! Hehe Never again! But all I can do is laugh. ^^


So, busy day for me today! Just as I was thinking I could get a break I'm reminded of taxes. (I dread doing taxes!) We have an appointment for 11am this morning, so I'm up and going slightly earlier (good thing I've been practicing waking up earlier though because this wasn't bad) Anyway, stressing about when I'm gonna have time to prep food and then cook it. I'm gonna insist we get food outside for lunch...hopefully that will be safe...because it takes at least an hour to prepare and marinate and I really want to get back to the oven cleaning A.S.A.P.! Taxes usually take a few hours for us and the stress comes with the fact that for some reason, we always end up needing to go back home for some other document here or there. I just don't ever know what to expect! Anyway, hoping all will go smoothly, but I likely won't be much available today until i dunno when. *takes a deep breath* Hehe but not to get everyone all stressed even more, including myself...hmm trying to think a happy thought here...uhhh...i really don't know. My mind is racing kinda but nothing necessarily generically happy. I've got a song in my head from my favorite album and the weather is nice-ish, maybe. Hehe