Giddy's Thoughts #1

Not sure if it has been told to me here, but I have tried grounding techniques I learned from my adopted cousin with bipolar needing them when she'd go threw her PTSD flashbacks (she would believe she was a little girl again reliving things). Her therapist had suggested to us to give her tangible things to feel, taste, or smell (well all the senses) to bring her back to the present. I've also read that yoga or certain movements can be grounding and I regularly do yoga now.

Actually, my DBT therapist told me, before I quit, to find ways to do this and use mindfulness during stressful times. One I used was to smell the pleasant dish soap scent when doing the dreaded dishwashing chore. Not exactly sure if or how that relates really to my current situation though.

I suppose I could just reassure myself the positive affirmations when I'm feeling put down by my hubby and/or my illnesses as a grounding method? Maybe journal my thoughts (guess I kinda do that already). But I think yoga is the most comfortable to use right now.

Is this what you mean?

Btw, even my DBT therapist was frustrated with my husband. She asked my loved ones to write some positive notes about me. Mom and Dad did the exercise correctly, but hubby had to say along the lines of "She would be good if she still did the things she was good at and doing awhile back, like knitting and baking, but she just refuses to do those now". I forget the exact wording, but I still have that. Therapist said that said more about him and his hangups than it did about me. *Shrugs* I mean, it was hard to hear and i well, i just kinda laughed at first, but she got me to open up and shed a tear or two and told me it's more about him than me, which kinda reassured my self confidence.

Sigh!

Has anyone told your husband he could loose you being so hard on you?

I also think your husband is being hard on you.

My parents were only interested in me if I was ''doing things well... aka perfectly'' ... that is a very small part of a very dysfunctional pattern.....- its a long story. Even then their ''interest'' was... imo about them. I wonder if your husband shares some of those traits. I hope not. It can be very difficult for people with those traits to understand and respect others. imo

I don't agree that you ''should'' be ''doing things'' like baking and knitting etc if you do not enjoy them. Unless it's necessary to ''do those things''

We only get one life. We may as well have some fun

Actually, no. The thing is though, he knows I'm not going to leave. I have nowhere better to go. But I mean I don't want to go either. I just wish he would learn!

My parents were ok in that sense, but my Dad is pretty toxic for me in general, so I'd never be able to go back there. Actually, when I was in, what I believed to be my "hypomanic episode", I actually admitted this to him, that I'd never want to live with him ever again. Hubby was the one who made me realize how mean/wrong that was for me to say, and I agree...still, it was the truth!

Yeah, I mean I got depressed because knitting was causing me stress and pain even and baking was depressing me because I had to go gluten free and it's too difficult to bake that way, plus it doesn't taste very good either, and hubby certainly doesn't like it. He just doesn't understand depression at all, or why I wouldn't want to just cook Only for him or cook TWO separate meals or desserts.

I wonder if hubby has those traits you mention, but he claims that he doesn't "expect me to be perfect". I just need to do everything "this way" and "at this time" and whatever else he thinks is "the right way". *rolls eyes


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Know what he said to me today folks? I was telling him how happy and excited I was that I accomplished my writing/editing goal today. He told me he didn't care. I was like "why don't you care? I listen to you go on about your accomplishments and how you get praised at work and by folks and such!" His response "well, my stuff is important. You should care!" He kinda smiled so he realized I was getting him. I said "my stuff is important too. You should care!" "I don't care about your internet stuff." "But it's not internet stuff. Only reason I'm online for it, is to save it!" Then he was quiet (If I remember correctly) Somewhere along the line I also told him I was working hard on this today, so I could focus on him over the weekend while he's free/off work.

So annoying!

But the worse part was in the evening when he got upset because I was doing the dishes late because "you wasted all afternoon on writing" *facepalms (remember I told him about getting it done before the weekend?) Anyway, I had the argument that I was perfectly on time doing things, it was his fault for misunderstanding me yesterday thinking we had cauliflower when we didn't and he sprung this on me at the last minute (quickly ran out to the store). But he wasn't hearing any of it then. He was just getting mad and saying I was running my mouth and not to test him. I said I was just acting like he always does with me and he basically had some lame excuse why it was worse for me to do it than him. Grrr...

(copied from check in thread. it's important I track my posts right now, but also get more readers in the check in.)

So I've finally gotten a therapist, but it's only for 3 sessions per issue ("case") for free...and it's complicated. But I started last week and have another one scheduled for this week and I'm discussing marital stuff first. Then will work on more personal issues. It's stressful, but t seems nice and is accommodating to my needs.

In other news, talked with GP again. The main takeaway is he's increasing my Zoloft from 100 to 150mg daily to combat any extra anxiety as well as my OCD tics (BFRBs). I didn't even think of it during the session, and I'm not too worried because I've been symptom free for awhile now on Zoloft and even my "symptoms" were apparently not problematic, but am just giving a heads up to folks who know me/my situation that I might have some changes...if I really am on the bipolar spectrum. So kinda just a heads up and that I might be checking in more because of this.

In other news, I'm ever so slightly concerned ...no, i don't even want to say it. Let's just say that i've had a stye for a couple of weeks and have been fatigued past few days. Stye is a bit concerning because of it's length, but it gets better, but the fatigue is likely just PMS. (started my cycle 5 days early this month. wth?!)

Um...I'm going to start my own personal writing challenge tomorrow and for the month of June. The official CampNanowrimo is in July as it turns out, but I'm ready to go now. Might do both months, or might just do it this month and skip the official one. At any rate, my creative juices have been staying pretty good this whole year, so that's good. I've also been coloring in my Mandala coloring book.

Not really much else. I'm pretty boring and well, Covid doesn't help matters either. Just do a lot of tv and movie watching.

-----------------------------------------Now for the Official Update--------------

So yeah, she got my email (I sent her the list of areas where I might set some boundaries in my marriage). Apologized for not writing back and was even super appreciative how I said I didn't want to cross any boundaries by writing when not necessary, but that she was actually completely fine with me if I sent her things in between sessions, as long as I didn't have expectations for an urgent response. Totally fair! She's been super accommodating! And even at the end of the session, she said I could try to arrange last minute sessions, any time and any day (except Sunday) and she'd do her best to make it happen. So cool, right?!

Now the nitty gritty. (and I will still try to keep this short). We discussed a few of the points; stuff that was of most concern right now. She did actually read it beforehand and said they were all good things to address though. But so we did discuss at length some, and part of the discussion centered around my feelings and anxieties and how experiences with my Dad in the past were sometimes similar and sometimes different than my husband and the irony about how my husband isn't the biggest fan of my Dad either, and kind of inferred that Dad doesn't always agree with H's ways either and how I'm stuck in the middle. My relationship with my parents, especially Mom, but both, is very important to me, but H wants to protect me from the toxicity of my Dad. I understand the concern, but I also, as i said, want to see more of Mom (again, not counting pandemic crap). Complicated.

She also asked about my relationship with my sister. Said we were close, but I couldn't talk about some things (like personal marital matters) with her for fear of judgment and or gossip. Not that sis would intentionally gossip, but she talks a lot. And she can be judgey with other things...like how people dress, or if they act kind of carefree she seems to make us feel like we're kinda wild and she'd never do that...in a way though, these are good things. If I'm concerned about whether I'm being a little "out there", she can return me to center. Anyway...

but the basic idea is that I really don't have anyone to really talk to about serious matters, not family, not husband, and I need that. I need this therapy...and so next session, we are going to talk about how I can express just how very important this is for me to my husband and how I really need it...it's to be proactive to save the marriage, not to make us even more distant. I really really hope she can help me feel comfortable making that conversation happen and that I do it and that it goes well. It's scary! I don't think he would, but if H left me because I was going to therapy...I mean, omg! How crazy would that be! And I don't want him to, and I really do appreciate the bounty of good things I have with him, and even recognized and told T just how good things have been over the last 2 weeks with just a couple of concerns, but no fighting and so I know things CAN be good...it's just H has to want it. I really hope he does.

edit: completely forgot to mention on there [here] (guess I'll add it now) i still haven't started my med increase. H went to the pharmacy today, but it was closed, probably due to the riots/protesting. sigh! sad and scary times!

Do you feel supported on here?

I’m genuinely curious. I don’t always read your posts (due to my own triggers)

I just want to say I’m glad you’ve found a therapist. That is a great, positive step