Bipolar check-in #42

Thanks Christina and Moose72 ! I'm super excited. It's a much nicer place and a lot more affordable through the program I'm in

I had a very enjoyable afternoon with my nephew. After he finished his IOP for the day (12:30 pm) we went out to lunch to a local Italian pizzeria restaurant. Then he asked if we could walk in my town's downtown area (he's from my childhood hometown, not my current one of 20+ years). He said he had barely seen the town, which is pretty odd since it's a town of great historic and touristic interest, less than 40 minutes from where he lives. We walked around for over 1 hour in both the main part of downtown and on the university campus. Then we warmed up a little in the university art museum, which is free to the public. Actually, I hadn't seen some parts of the campus we walked through. It is a beautiful and old campus with amazing architecture. The sky was blue all day, but only 39 F / 4 C. I confess that I'm not used to such exercise (in the cold). To him it was nothing. I'm currently in bed under a wool blanket with a cup of hot espresso.

Thanks everyone. I don't think I know my job all that well since it's a relatively new position for me and my project focus has changed dramatically. That's my major concern. On top of that, it looks like I will be directly managing some interns this summer, so there will be a period of overlap where I'm mentoring (starting soon) and managing (starting in May). Ughhh. Basically nonstop!


Anyway, I've decided to learn guitar... for the third time. I already own two guitars and I have all the accessories (minus one important one that I lost... the tuner!). I just never stuck with it the first two times because depression took the wind out of me. However, I've been playing various instruments since I was 9 and I'll be turning 29 in May, so... we're talking 20 years of understanding music theory. I just have to get used to messing around with the guitar again.


Also, why I own two guitars... Well, I first bought an acoustic guitar and accessories when manic, but shortly thereafter, I became heavily depressed and wanted to do nothing but sleep. Then later on, I moved into an apartment and decided I was gonna start playing guitar again, but... the acoustic was too loud for the apartment, which made me realize I would annoy my neighbors. Thus, I bought an electric guitar and I just either don't plug it into the amp or I put the amp on at a low volume.

I did something! I drove in bad weather with my new car. It's the lightest car I've ever driven. I wouldn't want to drive in snow any deeper than it was. But still I have a feeling of accomplishment. Mostly I don't drive in bad weather, I just do without until the roads clear up.

My cat is home! He’s been sequestered in the back room

With his own litter box so I can make sure he’s peeing. When I came home today the litter box was full of clumps! So he’s peeing normally. I let him out of the room and he didn’t try to pee on the carpet. I have to buy him special prescription food but whatever. As long as he’s ok.


My new student had a rough morning but he pulled it together. Definitely not as challenging as my last kid! I kinda miss that kid though. Despite all the challenging behavior, I really liked him. I hope he’s doing ok.


My son is staying at my mom’s this weekend. I was hoping to plan something with RS but it’s supposed to be down pouring on Saturday. I wanted to go to the botanical gardens in the city to take in the indoor orchid display. I’ll have to check out exactly when the rain is supposed to be.


I’m just glad my cat is ok.

I did something! I drove in bad weather with my new car. It's the lightest car I've ever driven. I wouldn't want to drive in snow any deeper than it was. But still I have a feeling of accomplishment. Mostly I don't drive in bad weather, I just do without until the roads clear up.

Have you Pdoc brought up ECT ??

I am so sorry you are struggling like this. I know at times, it feels like it will never stop, never get better. But as others have said, it will get better. Just don't give up. See if you can get some rest. Maybe you'll feel better when you get up.


Sending you prayers and support.

Sorry you're struggling so much.


I know it's hard to cope with everyday life when the future looks bleak. It sucks. It really does.


In my case, I was unstable for many, many years straight and felt there was no way out of this hell. Then finally, after finding the right med combo, things got a lot better. It took a long time, but I did find stability. Are my meds perfect, though? No, definitely not. Meds don't work 100% of the time. But I am feeling a lot better than I was before. It was a long and arduous journey, but it was worth fighting. I never imagined I would ever feel so good after feeling so sh_tty for years on in.


We do have to remember that with bipolar, or even schizoaffective, it's virtually impossible to feel this way for the rest of our lives. Things will always get better at some point, as cliche as that sounds. That's the nature of the disorder. Of course, I can't guarantee that you won't become unstable again, but there are at least moments where I've truly enjoyed and cherished life. I cling onto those moments of happiness and joy when I'm feeling down, and it has helped me when I reminisce on all the good times I've had because it reminds me that life can be beautiful and isn't always this hell we have to endure from time to time.


Please don't give up fighting. You deserve to get better and enjoy life. Things will eventually get better. You won't always feel like this.

Headphones can be a good solution for volume control as well.

I would just caution you about guitars and mania. I got manic one week a few years ago and all the sudden, all these really nice guitars started showing up from FedEx. 6 beautiful guitars in three days. My partner was like, what are these? I was like, i'm not sure. I might have bought them online while I was manic. Sort of. She was furious. Really nice guitars, though. She made me sell 4 of them.

Yeah, I have a Vox thing that plugs into the guitar (the Lead guitar version) via headphones, but the weight of my headphones and my headphone cord kept bothering me when I was using it before. I prefer an amp on low volume. At least the Vox thing was only $20 when I bought it a few years back. I think they're like $40 now? I keep it in my case in the event I'm going somewhere for some reason.

The guitar isn't that expensive, fortunately. I think I paid $250 for it? It's an all black Epiphone Les Paul w/o a whammy bar. The only downside of it is that it doesn't stay in tune very well. I have to keep tuning it. But then again, it was a cheap guitar, so that's to be expected. (I'd rather risk damaging a sh_tty guitar than a nice one. Plus, it doesn't matter so much for a beginner.) If I get better at things and stick to it this time (at least 1 yr of everyday practice), then I'll buy a better guitar. But I'm definitely going to try to be careful with mania -- thanks.

I did go overkill with some strings, though. I bought a bunch of regular custom gauge slinkys. At least I used a string already. (Snapped the high E string while trying to tune the crappy guitar!!) And I bought a bajillion accessories.

Welp, 1500 of Depakote, 30 of Restoril, and 50 of Thorazine got me about 3 hours of some of the worst quality sleep I have ever had. I did get a little drowsy, which was great, before laying down. But crazy, dysphoric dream/nightmare things. Not really sure what they were. Constant, constant, constant waking up, if I ever really was very asleep. Maybe that was it--maybe I just never really fully fell asleep.

Pretty sure we are basically out of med options here. Guess I am just going to have to take my version of the Christina approach and try to stop freaking about it all the time. Just ride it. Whatever happens, happens. I guess if I get tired, I will lay down.

On the plus side, definitely not psychotic at all really. Or manic. I guess the lithium plus the Depakote plus the Abilify are doing the trick and that's much appreciated. Onward.

Yeah, I have a Vox thing that plugs into the guitar (the Lead guitar version) via headphones, but the weight of my headphones and my headphone cord kept bothering me when I was using it before. I prefer an amp on low volume. At least the Vox thing was only $20 when I bought it a few years back. I think they're like $40 now? I keep it in my case in the event I'm going somewhere for some reason.

The guitar isn't that expensive, fortunately. I think I paid $250 for it? It's an all black Epiphone Les Paul w/o a whammy bar. The only downside of it is that it doesn't stay in tune very well. I have to keep tuning it. But then again, it was a cheap guitar, so that's to be expected. (I'd rather risk damaging a sh_tty guitar than a nice one. Plus, it doesn't matter so much for a beginner.) If I get better at things and stick to it this time (at least 1 yr of everyday practice), then I'll buy a better guitar. But I'm definitely going to try to be careful with mania -- thanks.

I did go overkill with some strings, though. I bought a bunch of regular custom gauge slinkys. At least I used a string already. (Snapped the high E string while trying to tune the crappy guitar!!) And I bought a bajillion accessories.