Bipolar check-in #42

Miss Laura, I hope you feel better soon. Do consider going to the doctor if it persists.

Too much time passed since I saw my dad. He called me the other day, which he almost never does anymore. I promised I would visit, but I dreaded having to go. What I did was to email my sister and ask if she was going to visit him, and if I could meet her there. It's far less painful and stressful that way. Even so, I had a lot of anxiety. Luckily, she suggested this afternoon, so I jumped on it to get it over with.

My dad hardly said anything, so my sister and I were talking. Five times, my dad stood up and walked out of the room without saying anything. [Not angrily, more like a person with dementia.] Finally I asked him why he was doing that and he stated he wasn't interested in the conversations. I said "Well, you can start one you like or ask us questions." [As if he'd ever do the latter.]

"I have no questions", he said.

It's not like my sister and I didn't include him or bring up topics he used to be interested in. We talked about birds, at length. History he used to be interested in. But despite that, he still got up and walked out of the room. Truth is, he can't concentrate, and has had difficulty throughout his life. Or, he talks at you, but not with you and if it isn't all about him, then there's nothing of interest.

When he was still home, he often stood up and left even 15 minutes after I'd arrive from a 38 minute drive. He didn't exactly invite me along, especially after he knew I disapproved of his drinking. Now at the assisted living, there is no bar to go to, but he does the same and chats with other residents. In a month he will likely return home. We all kind of dread that.

Dad suddenly wants to buy a new car. We don't even think he should drive anymore. He doesn't have a clue how much money he has. He thinks he's rich and has gone around telling everyone in town he is, for years, so people ask him for money. He's not poor, but could be if his spending is uncontrolled.

He's had some tests that indicated cognitive issues, and others where they said he was just fine. They're still just giving him antidepressants. His depression has lifted, and physically he looks much much better, but he's not right. I can't diagnose him with bipolar disorder. My siblings and I have told about 8 doctors to consider it, though. Whatever!

I am sorry about your trauma. That's awful.

It never occurred to me that I could still be carrying around this, whatever it is, around in my brain from way back in, like, 1996. We were trained to do our jobs and never say a word. No whining. If you couldn't do it, you were a wimp. Thank you very much for that insight, Chrsitina--I am very grateful to you.

I don't know anything about EMDR or trance stuff. Have heard of the former, obviously, but that's about it. That and finding a pager I can stomp...

Man, you really, really need some meaningful help, Miss Laura. When do you see that GP again?

I have made another GP appt for my actual GP. I generally just see anyone but I have definitely got to see him. I'm seeing him in 3 weeks. If I'm still not 100% next week I'll call NHS24 and tell them see if I can see a GP out of hours

I'm kinda worried that I am being pushed into management by my boss and peers. I don't want to do management. Management means travel, and travel means immense stress. I just CAN'T cope with travel. I CAN'T.

All I want is a job where I drive to work and then drive back home. No airplanes, no trains, no busses, no boats, nada. I want ZERO travel.

My therapist thinks I'd make a "good boss," but I don't care. I DON'T want to travel. It's always international travel here. I absolutely WILL quit my job if I have to become a manager who travels. I became an irritable, paranoid, hypomanic person last time I went overseas. And the same thing happened the time before that. I do NOT want that sh_t happening again. I'd rather have NO job than be tormented every single day.

I don't know what the f*** is wrong with people in thinking that travel is "always good." No, it is NOT good for everyone. Not everyone wants to travel. Not everyone is stress free. Not everyone wants to cope with all the bullsh_t that travel comes with. Why don't people get that??? I am not some kind of superhuman.

Sorry for the rant, but I really hate where my job is going

I am sorry you are dealing with this stressful situation. If you really don't feel it's for you, maybe explain why you don't think it would be your strength, but how you would be happy to help in other areas where you'd excel? I honestly felt pushed into management once and was not a fan as it's just not my personality, but feel I am good at other things. I would straight up turn down a management job because it would just cause me stress. While management is great experience, it's just not for everyone. Hopefully they'd understand.

I didn't get an A1C done this time because the last time it was so low (about 5 I think). I may ask him to do one but it will be affected by my last 6 months of living on rice and other carbs thanks to my bowel issues. I think that's why he's giving me more time; my diet has been really bad.

I really trust this doctor so I'm not too worried about the delay. I have no symptoms at all and he knows me incredibly well; he's been my doctor for 17 years, just after he finished his residency. I've changed practices with him several times and he has never been wrong with me.

If I have a single symptom I'll get checked sooner. If I remain anxious I may ask for the A1C but I just have a feeling it will reflect my bad diet and not diabetes symptoms.

Thanks for the suggestions. I really appreciate it.

Good for you for standing up for yourself, blue!!!! You're absolutely doing the right thing, IMO.

I traveled internationally like a madman for years. There is no question that my big mania in July of 2005 was precipitated by my trip to China right before. None. Keep advocating for yourself--they'll leave you alone once they realize you're serious.

My heart breaks for you I think you meeting your sister is a really good idea when going to visit your dad.

Is he hell bent on going home?? Is there anyone or anyway he can be “enlightened “ about his financial state?? I’m sure you have tried everything

I’m glad your posting about this, I know it’s a heavy load to carry.

Gentle hugs

Oh Blue

I really hope that’s not there plans. Can you talk to your boss and stress directly that you are not able to travel, at all ?!!

I might do that...

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

Thank you, that was very helpful

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

I've been having a hard time keeping up with PC these days... Don't have the energy or motivation to read all the posts. Know that I am still around, but I've been struggling bad. Today wasn't that bad, though.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

@childofchaos831 and @falcon09: There used to be a thread dedicated to ECT in the subforum titled Bipolar Treatments. I scrolled through trying to find it but couldn't. You might have better luck than I.

I found this. Is it what you were thinking of?

ECT Experiences

YES! You rock! Where was it? Was it in the BP Treatments section? I went back and forth trying to find it.

Honestly I just remembered you posted there and thought you'd started the thread so I went to your profile and searched there. A few pages back it was there. I'm bored tonight....

I wish they didn't take the threads down so soon although I'm sure there is a reason.

You're brilliant. Now I understand why I couldn't find it. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you for not thinking I'm a freak going through your history