Bipolar check-in #42

Moose72 · Jan 15, 2020 at 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I can only speak to this most recent one and that seems to have something to do with the anaesthesia they were giving me for the ECT. I suspect I simply woke up before the muscle relaxant wore off; normally it's the other way round.

Ah. That makes sense!

~Christina · Jan 15, 2020 at 09:42 PM

Busy day cleaning... I see my rheumatologist tomorrow, finally.

I hope we decide on the next medication to try. I am also hoping he will do some injections into my finger joints, it’s like a toothache.

Hugs to all ~

Wild Coyote · Jan 15, 2020 at 10:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Busy day cleaning... I see my rheumatologist tomorrow, finally.

I hope we decide on the next medication to try. I am also hoping he will do some injections into my finger joints, it’s like a toothache.

Hugs to all ~

OUCH!

Wild Coyote · Jan 15, 2020 at 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Well for better or worse I'm buying a 2012 Ford Focus SE. It's a bit older than I wanted but in great shape, just one owner. Has all new transmission 6 month warranty on the car and a full year on the transmission. By buying this car I'll still have money in the bank! Called AARP and got a great quote so I already paid for the insurance and it starts tomorrow the day we pick it up. It kind of fell into our lap. The guy that has been fixing mum's car knew we were looking for a car when this one came to him. It's funny how small town it all is. His grandfather had a garage and my dad worked with him for the fun of it. This guy remembers my father. It's not red but it's a great running quiet car. Surprised me how quiet it was as I thought compact cars were noisy. Does have blue tooth. And that all important curse control. I'll have to dig my CDs out---- music!

CONGRATS!

So, where we going first???

bizi · Jan 15, 2020 at 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Busy day cleaning... I see my rheumatologist tomorrow, finally.

I hope we decide on the next medication to try. I am also hoping he will do some injections into my finger joints, it’s like a toothache.

Hugs to all ~

Good luck at the rheumatologist.....keeping fingers crossed. you have waited for so long!
bizi

~Christina · Jan 15, 2020 at 10:37 PM

Thanks Bizi yes it seems like forever. Normally it’s 6 weeks but this time was 8 ! He’s a very kind compassionate Doctor so I know he will help me. I’m grateful my GP got me in with him quickly

bizi · Jan 15, 2020 at 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Thanks Bizi yes it seems like forever. Normally it’s 6 weeks but this time was 8 ! He’s a very kind compassionate Doctor so I know he will help me. I’m grateful my GP got me in with him quickly

Somehow I thought it was a 4 month wait.

so good 2 months is much better.
How are you? SOB etc?

bizi

Nammu · Jan 15, 2020 at 10:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

CONGRATS!

So, where we going first???

Someplace warm and without snow!

yellow_fleurs · Jan 15, 2020 at 11:09 PM

Christina, so glad you get to see your rheumatologist. Hope it goes well!

Jan 15, 2020 at 11:47 PM

I feel anxiety because my dog is sick. She's regurgitating. We've got an appointment with the vet on Friday. Meanwhile i am trying her on some special gastro-intestinal food. She seems a bit better but i want to get to the bottom of this. It could be cancer. I'm so upset! Please send some good vibes for my little girl!

yellow_fleurs · Jan 15, 2020 at 11:58 PM

Ugh I have been getting foot cramps all night. I had one for like 10 minutes, got rid of it then ended up with double foot cramps, one on each foot. Presently dealing with one. Not dehydrated and don't think I'm low on electrolytes. Wore decent shoes today. I am going to try more stretches this week and see if that helps.
Wide awake and don't even know why! Got to cut out caffeine earlier in the day. Otherwise doing okay, but stuck on a project at work and stressed about that.
Oh! My sibling is engaged. They are younger than me, and I will be the only one not married (but that's okay with me, I am in a committed relationship and not worried about marriage).

yellow_fleurs · Jan 16, 2020 at 12:07 AM

Whatever2013, I am so sorry to hear your dog is sick. I really hope it's nothing serious and they're feeling better soon.

Jan 16, 2020 at 12:13 AM

@MarcusAurelius: Good to hear from you! I've been wondering how you have been doing, Glad you're moving into a training phase and getting away from the upsetting work. As far as worrying that you're squeezing someone out of the position you are applying for, i say put yourself first. Maybe your job situation isn't what you wanted for yourself but this is the reality and if there is an opportunity to move up, carpe diem!

My sister got her teaching qualification and wound up doing other work as she found teaching too unpleasant and stressful. My dad worked himself into an early grave teaching. At the high school level it can be a thankless task. Perhaps this new turn of fate is saving you from a world of hurt.

As far as being disappointed with yourself after promising beginnings, i feel your pain. I have a degree and was off to a great start in my career when bipolar cut me down eight years in. The person i am now is a shadow of my former self and it's demoralizing. But what can we do? This is the new reality and we just have to soldier on as best we can. Life throws many curve balls and we just have to roll with the punches. I'm mixing my metaphors, better go to bed!

~Christina · Jan 16, 2020 at 12:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi

Somehow I thought it was a 4 month wait.

so good 2 months is much better.
How are you? SOB etc?

bizi

My breathing has gotten better but it’s not back where it should be based on my Pulmonary functions test. Pulmonary specialist said part of problem is because I have been in such pain for so long and not able to be active that I’m basically out of shape , which I fully agree with.

Hopefully my insurance company will approve whatever Med is next quickly because most biologics can take 3-4 months to show if it will truly help.

Hurry up and wait ( booo hisss)

Thanks Bizi !

~Christina · Jan 16, 2020 at 12:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I feel anxiety because my dog is sick. She's regurgitating. We've got an appointment with the vet on Friday. Meanwhile i am trying her on some special gastro-intestinal food. She seems a bit better but i want to get to the bottom of this. It could be cancer. I'm so upset! Please send some good vibes for my little girl!

Wishing you good luck

~Christina · Jan 16, 2020 at 12:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Ugh I have been getting foot cramps all night. I had one for like 10 minutes, got rid of it then ended up with double foot cramps, one on each foot. Presently dealing with one. Not dehydrated and don't think I'm low on electrolytes. Wore decent shoes today. I am going to try more stretches this week and see if that helps.

Wide awake and don't even know why! Got to cut out caffeine earlier in the day. Otherwise doing okay, but stuck on a project at work and stressed about that.

Oh! My sibling is engaged. They are younger than me, and I will be the only one not married (but that's okay with me, I am in a committed relationship and not worried about marriage).

Oh ouch foot cramps are awful!!! Maybe use a soda can to roll your foot back and forth on , that is an easy way to stretch.

Congrats for your sibling ! Committed is all anyone needs

Hope your project gets sorted out !

Jan 16, 2020 at 07:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I love when Amber alerts work !! Such a blessing

Yes! I also love how much people cared about the safety of the poor girl.

It turned out that many people on the highway recognized the kidnapper's car and called 911. The poor girl was in the trunk according to some reports, and the guy driving the car had a large knife on him.

I hope the girl isn't too traumatized, but I know it has to be traumatic for her. At least she was okay physically according to first responders. But who knows what could've happened if the kidnappers did get away. It makes me so mad when people want to hurt innocent kids.

Sunflower123 · Jan 16, 2020 at 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Busy day cleaning... I see my rheumatologist tomorrow, finally.

I hope we decide on the next medication to try. I am also hoping he will do some injections into my finger joints, it’s like a toothache.

Hugs to all ~

An injection into the finger joints...yikes! You are one strong woman. I hope your appointment goes well.

Sunflower123 · Jan 16, 2020 at 08:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Well for better or worse I'm buying a 2012 Ford Focus SE. It's a bit older than I wanted but in great shape, just one owner. Has all new transmission 6 month warranty on the car and a full year on the transmission. By buying this car I'll still have money in the bank! Called AARP and got a great quote so I already paid for the insurance and it starts tomorrow the day we pick it up. It kind of fell into our lap. The guy that has been fixing mum's car knew we were looking for a car when this one came to him. It's funny how small town it all is. His grandfather had a garage and my dad worked with him for the fun of it. This guy remembers my father. It's not red but it's a great running quiet car. Surprised me how quiet it was as I thought compact cars were noisy. Does have blue tooth. And that all important curse control. I'll have to dig my CDs out---- music!

Congratulations! I’m so pleased for you!

bpcyclist · Jan 16, 2020 at 08:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

Feeling kinda blue today. A lot has happened since I last updated you guys. I've started my new training which will last 7 weeks. It is a break from the anxiety inducing work I have to do, so I am grateful for that. A new position opened recently in the internal job postings, which believe it or not, I qualify for (The job will be available a week or so after I finish training). I went ahead and applied and updated my resume and wrote a cover letter explaining in part my situation (I have the requirements met, but technically I am kind of still a new hire) and of course selling myself shamelessly haha. I don't know if I'll get the job, but I would be so thrilled if it were to happen. My hopes are finding a job in my field though, so this is really contingency plan B. However, I'm wondering if I should really be doing this... at the risk of sounding pompous and conceited, I am well overqualified for the position that I only want as a plan B -- and I have a huge leg up based on my level of education and field of study. I could potentially take the position away from someone who truly wishes to stay with the company and move up and deservedly so. Now don't get me wrong -- this is a position I want, but I am afraid I'm really pushing someone out who deserves it more than I do. I just want to get out of the production floor and into my element. I may retract my application, I haven't been there very long and well, others deserve it more than me, enough said.

In the process of updating my resume and things I came across some old first year teaching and college work along with some photos of myself. I didn't recognize me anymore. That person doesn't exist anymore. The person who wrote those papers and lesson plans and assessments.... he is gone. I am so disappointed in myself. I worked very hard in college and my first few years of teaching. I had so much potential and now I am here. I've lost ambition and talent, to be sure -- but just overall demeanor. I don't even hold myself the same anymore. I know we all change over time but this is detrimental change and painful to look at where I am now and the lows I've hit along this path. I feel lost and sad. I just can't accept or believe this. I don't have the motivation or skill anymore to do what I used to. What was is now gone, and what is left going forward, pales in comparison.

I cried today. I just hate to look in the mirror and see who is there. Physically I am worse for wear and heavier too, mentally I am weak and frail and emotionally I'm an absolute mess. I know it's stupid to expect positive change without putting effort into doing it.. but I just don't see the point anymore, it's too far gone. I will never recover. Moments of hope flicker and disappear in terms of employment, happiness, relationships, family... but in the end I'm still where I am.

That's all I really got to say. Just to be clear I am not a danger to myself or anyone else. Please don't misconstrue my sentiments here -- it's sadness, remorse and self loathing, but I have no want to harm myself or anyone else.

I am so sorry you are struggling with all this, Marcus. But I do have to say, your repeated, harsh judging of yourself is probably doing as much or more harm to you as everything you are judging yourself about. Being mean to oneself is incredibly damaging, neurologically speaking. This has been studied.

I used to make tons of money, travel all over the planet, had the respect of those in my field, a reasonable, if not flawless, marriage. That's all gone. If I now compared myself, my life today, my "accomplishments" and "productivity" now, with what I used to do, I would feel like an abject failure and loser--instantly. Because I cannot do any of those things anymore. It just is not possible for me. Not realistic.

The recognition--and acceptance--that the facts of your reality are just different now is critical to helping you feel better, in my opinion. To move forward in peace. Wanting to todsay re-achieve or even re-live what you used to achieve in prior days is guaranteed to make you feel like sh**. So, my counsel is, don't do that. If you must judge yourself, do it based on today's reality, not yesterday's. Do what you can do. I am writing 2 books. Finishing them, really. I felt like crap today and wrote zero paragraphs. But I did not judge myself for that. I did not feel up to it today. Tomorrow is a new day.

I think you'll feel better if you adjust your expectations to match today's facts and reality. Just my take. I do hope you feel better soon.

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Bipolar check-in #42

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~Christina Legendary Wise Elder Community Liaison Member Since Jul 2011 Location: Tennessee Posts: 22,450 (SuperPoster!) 12 12.7k hugs given	Jan 15, 2020 at 09:42 PM #122 Busy day cleaning... I see my rheumatologist tomorrow, finally. I hope we decide on the next medication to try. I am also hoping he will do some injections into my finger joints, it’s like a toothache. Hugs to all ~ __________________ Helping others gets me out of my own head ~

~Christina Legendary Wise Elder Community Liaison Member Since Jul 2011 Location: Tennessee Posts: 22,450 (SuperPoster!) 12 12.7k hugs given	Jan 15, 2020 at 10:37 PM #126 Thanks Bizi yes it seems like forever. Normally it’s 6 weeks but this time was 8 ! He’s a very kind compassionate Doctor so I know he will help me. I’m grateful my GP got me in with him quickly __________________ Helping others gets me out of my own head ~

yellow_fleurs Grand Poohbah Member Since Jun 2018 Location: US Posts: 1,512 5 1,265 hugs given	Jan 15, 2020 at 11:09 PM #129 Christina, so glad you get to see your rheumatologist. Hope it goes well!

Anonymous41462 Guest Posts: n/a	Jan 15, 2020 at 11:47 PM #130 I feel anxiety because my dog is sick. She's regurgitating. We've got an appointment with the vet on Friday. Meanwhile i am trying her on some special gastro-intestinal food. She seems a bit better but i want to get to the bottom of this. It could be cancer. I'm so upset! Please send some good vibes for my little girl!

yellow_fleurs Grand Poohbah Member Since Jun 2018 Location: US Posts: 1,512 5 1,265 hugs given	Jan 16, 2020 at 12:07 AM #132 Whatever2013, I am so sorry to hear your dog is sick. I really hope it's nothing serious and they're feeling better soon.