Bipolar check-in #42

Will you be seeing your doctor soon? The neuro sx sound serious and quite frightening. There are so very many types of movement disorders; I tend to think some of these meds can trigger more than the few we tend to see/experience most often.

I am concerned, too, because I've gotten the impression that riding your bike has been quite helpful to you?

I know there used to be times when my bike kept me sane/balanced.
You put in some tough days! What keeps you going?

Much Love~

Been up and down.....

My boyfriend's mom sent me a write-up of my boyfriend's history in the system, of his hospitalizations, rehab, everything, so when we move in together and get married if anything happens I can give this to his doctors, (I am planning on taking us far away).

This rattled me A LOT. Can I really take all this on? I mean my past is just as horrible as his, so I have no right to judge him at all, but I can't stop thinking about it.

What if I am making a huge mistake? I love him so much, but what if we destroy each other?

Hey there, sweetie!

I think it's good that you are giving all of this careful consideration. I know you love him and love is a very important component of a viable relationship, of course. What little I know of you, you have lots of love to give, too!

We often hear, "Love is all that matters," and the context within which that is said varies; however, sometimes love just isn't enough to do well, to stay as healthy as possible, when/if someone we love is having an incredibly hard time, too.

My H, my soon-to-be ex, has a dx of BPII. Me, too. Our flavors of BP are a bit different from one another. I have gone through some very long, very difficult times with him when he is "out there" and is refusing to see his pdoc, etc. There have been times when this has drained the life out of every ounce of my being and, in turn, I was not as well as I could have been. Of course, we loved one another, very much so. Yet, in wanting to be together, we were also hurting one another without having any desire/intentions of doing so. It is tough to keep things balanced, even when couples are not dealing with the many and the varied challenges of BP.

That said, it's not impossible to live together and to thrive!

I know my H and I would have done much better, would have been much better for one another if we had involved a good observer/negotiator, something like a couples counselor. An impartial 3rd party can be very helpful in assisting couples to manage major challenges/stressors like, but not limited to, ongoing MI/BP/stressors.

Whatever you decide, my friend, I wish you nothing but happiness!

Lots of Love!

I'm obsessed over this dog we can't afford. I have a wonderful, loving, dog. (I'm not neglecting her) she lays on me, we play, she's always by my side so I feel like I'm betraying her. Still feel like I'm going to get arrested but am hiding it well. Co-op went well today I'm not teaching this semester but I'm planing on writing and gathering stuff up to help other home school parents. I may take a drawing class but it's a bit expensive for me it's $6.25 an hour class but you have to pay for all the classes upfront. H says to do it but IDK. I use to draw for hours and get lost in drawing. I haven't drawn in over 10 years. I want to take the drawing class because I know I'll get discouraged starting out on my own. I know I'll need hobbies soon but I can't justify the cost. I'd rather get the dog (adoption fee is about the same) but I know we can't afford more than one at a time.

I woke up in a mild funk again. I don't know what to do today. I don't want to do anything, but don't want to do nothing, either. I should look at a French learning textbook. I'll push myself.

Tomorrow is another dreaded trip to Philly for my husband's eyes. The worst part is that his appointment is in the mid morning, instead of the usual 1 pm"ish". During commuter time. They were pressuring him to take an 8:30 am, but we said "No!" because we'd have to get up extremely early. I wish poor hubby's eye would finally recover well enough that these trips were just twice per year! We were there just four weeks ago. We've been making them for what seems like years. At least there is no snow in the forecast.

I see my therapist today. I don't feel like talking to her. I don't dislike her, but...I don't know. I am in a state of mind where I don't like anything. I'm even sick of myself right now. I'm irritable.

Does anyone here remember the children's book about "Pierre who doesn't care"? You know, how Pierre would keep responding "I don't care!" That stupid thing is going through my head. If I recall correctly, in the end Pierre said "I don't care" even when faced with the danger of being eaten by a lion. Am I right? Can someone remind me if the lion ended up eating him? Or did he suddenly care when faced with that imminent danger? It's been over 40 years since I read/heard that story.

I googled that story, doesn't say how but it does say the Pierre learns to care.

Thank you, Nammu!

I think I was in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd grade when I first encountered that story. That was in the 1970s.

I found the lyrics online, they better explain it than I could

Carole King - Pierre Lyrics | AZLyrics.com

I'm feeling withdrawn, depressed, and everything hurts. The depression is back.

I'm waiting for Remeron to kick in. I hope it does soon but I only went on the full dose 5 days ago, so it might be a while.

A positive is that my website is getting lots of traffic from search, which is great for a couple of reasons. 1. I'm writing about stuff that people are looking for and 2. I'm high enough in there search result for people to click through to my site.

While I was having sleep problems I used the time to learn and write so I posted a bunch of articles and it's nice to see people reading them.

Scooter9, thanks so much for the link to the video! I watched/listened to it and hadn't quite remembered the ending. I liked the ending very much! I hope your depression eases soon. I've been dealing with some, too, but am not yet to the point of a medication adjustment. I hope it doesn't come to that.

I have a blog that I used to be very active in posting on. However, this past year (or even almost two years) I've posted only occasionally. Before slowing down, I reached about 1,200 followers, but if I don't post, most don't visit often. Like you, Scooter, most of my traffic is from various search engines when I don't post often. I find it quite curious which of my posts seem to get the most views from such visitors. I do know a teeny bit about SEO (but not expert) so realize that the titles and key words in my posts make a big difference. Also, for some posts I try to expedite getting Google's attention by submitting the post's URL to Google Index. I think that is helpful for me. Perhaps your website makes my blog look pretty piddly, though. I'm just a novice blogger.

Thank you so much for the support, WC. Yes, seeing pdoc manana. I can make it.

Yeah, there are really very few activities in my current world that I can get enjoyment from and biking is one. I do like to bake and cook and I enjoy watching videos and shows about animals. That is about it. The bike is supposed to be good for depression and cardiac stuff, too, I guess.

What keeps me going is that throwing in the towel is not an option. Religious objections, plus, I would not do that to my kids, however dysfunctional my relationship with them at present may be.

So, onward. Thanks so very much to all here who have supported me so generously during this rough time for me. PC is a lifesaver. Maybe things can turn around a bit at some point in the not too distant future...

I am sorry you are struggling a bit, BirdDancer. I wonder if maybe you are just going through a bit of a bumpy/rough/'slighly less stable bp patch?? It happens to virtually all of us. Do you think your meds are all solid? Where they should about be?

When I have the "I don't give a s*** self-talk going, and I fairly regularly do, unfortunately, sometimes it is situational (just grumpy about something happening or about to happen in my life), sometimes, I am physcially tired, sometimes, my bp is acting up, and sometimes, I think I just get momentarily tired of the accumulated mass and burden of having to constantly deal with all this stuff. And of course, sometimes, it may be a bit of everything at once.

So, I hope you are not judging yourself. It happens. This could just be another speed bump. Probably is. This too shall pass, as they say.

I hope the trip to Philly is calmer than anticipated. Never did like driving in that city. I hope you find some peace. Sending you support and perhaps a little uptick in how you are feeling--soon.

Oops, BirdDancer, forgot to say that I had not recalled that book. Will have to find it.

So, really, just sort of holding on here until pdoc visit tomorrow. We have so much to go over, I am worried that there won't be enough time to do it all. I only booked 30 minutes at $175. Dr. C is the best, but he stopped taking insurance, so even when I had it, it wasn't covered. So, I am making a little list and prioritizing it all. 1. Psychosis; 2. Mania; 3. Sleep; 4. SI. 5. Weird neuro side effects, likely to Abilifry. Hope we can get it all in.

I am hopeful, which I take as a good sign, since hopelessness has been a big issue at times for me. Fingers crossed.

Hugs to everyone struggling.

I visited my NP yesterday. I cried all the way there and during the visit and after the visit talking to my daughter. I wasn’t necessarily looking for a med adjustment because my SAD is fairly hard to treat. She said she’d see me in March and to let the increased Vraylar have more time to kick in. I’ve been on the increased dose since mid December. I am disappointed at her response. I understand that I have severe, treatment resistant depression on a good day but it’s early in the game to give up.

I’m going out to a movie tonight to get my mind off things. I have to notarize and fedex a medical form that has very emotional connotations for me. I’m having a hard time getting it done. Looking for signs to move forward.

On a brighter note, I’ll probably be meeting M Monday to visit. I didn’t think I’d see her until February so that cheers me up. I have a dessert recipe that I want to try out and take to her.

I’ve calculated that it is 19.71 weeks until the pool opens...my happy time. I’ve made some goals and plans to see me through this period of time.

Warm regards to all and hugs to all those that are struggling.

Hi bpcyclist. I do have a tendency to have at least a little "downswing" as I call it, in the winter. I think the family stressors, and other stressors contribute, as well. My psychiatrist didn't want to touch my medications. I think he hopes the downswing will ease. Plus, I have occasional agitation/irritability with it, so I don't think he wants to fiddle with my meds too much, unless it worsens or persists.

In recent years, my "upswings" have been far worse than my "downswings". Much worse. Sometimes they start as early as late February, or as late as May. That's usually when I have bona fide episodes. Manic or at least hypomanic.

I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow. I've been concerned about you.

Do you have a light box? If not, would your provider be on board with trying it? They can be quite helpful. I like mine. :-)

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I hope your husbands eye does fully heal so these visits spread back out.

As for how your feeling ?? I totally understand all those feelings. After talking to my T I found that it’s just something that happens with people and Bipolar and people with no MI at all.

It’s okay to feel this way .... sure you don’t want it to last a long time but few days to a week or so just let it be what it is. It will indeed pass. Just let yourself float for a little while.

Did seeing your T help today about how you feel ??

Waiting for meds to kick in is so draining hope the help really soon

I hope meds kick in very very soon! Light box??

I am happy you see M sooner than you thought !! Fantastic

I’d be counting down the weeks also

I’m always around if you need me

I'd smiled to read you are feeling hopeful, or were when you'd written this. it makes a huge difference, doesn't it? What do we have if we do not have hope? And yet, we all go through periods of hopelessness. it's during that time when we need our friends the most.

Just wanted to say: I hope your appointment goes well and that you benefit greatly!