Bipolar check-in #42

Still not well...at all. Starting trintellix tomorrow, on top of my welbutrin. I’m praying it works because I’d forgotten how exhausting and heavy depression is. I am not a crier and that’s all I want to do (I don’t though, unless I’m in therapy). I feel completely hopeless, useless, and worthless.

Sorry to hear that. Depression is awful. Trintellix works very well for some people. Make sure you eat with it though as it can cause stomach upsets. Good luck!

I am refining my approach to "pour over" coffee making. The biggest problem is going too close to the edge of a completely full filter. Some fines, and even granulas, can end up in the coffee This helps to make it taste bitter. I have been looking at an antique pistol that is 175 years old. I used to put it in a firearm sock. The sock smelled when new. Well, I found out it smelled because of a cleaner/rust preventative solvent. It stripped away most of the bluing and grey patina. What a traumatic experience, watching the value go down by up to a couple thousand dollars. I felt like crying. I have another that is 250 years old in excellent condition. It was made about when the Bill of Rights of the United States was being signed. I just love the history these antiques provide to me. I have not been practicing my piano, which is really foolish. I really want to learn how to play the piano once again.

I have a couple days of work coming up to,orrow. More money! Help with my credit card! I scan everybody's receipt to see if they stole anything from the store. It will be a nine hour day on my feet tomorrow. Tonight I am washing my clothes, walking the dog, and taking a shower. Funny thing. I am not as depressed as I was before the job. This is very odd.

It was a mild Winter day here and i tried to get out and enjoy it but my dog just shivered and shivered. I have a fancy expensive coat for her but i guess she doesn't like the damp weather. Also i just got her groomed. She is all soft and smooth. Other people don't like her like this. The like her more fluffy. But i like her all ways and think she is super-cute!

My mild depression continues, as it will until Spring.

Hugs to all who need them!

Awww I’m sorry the struggle continues

I’ve see that Med work quickly for some people , I hope it is for you.

Be mindful about listening to music that’s a huge trigger for you

Hang in there , lean on your T and family if you want to . Post here all you need , I’m always around if you need anything

Most of all stay safe

The answer will be what the answer is. Thank you for that. It does just kind of feel a little fishy to me, taking the whole thing together kind of. Sleep has always been a huge indicator for me, personally, so I may be projecting my own stuff onto you, but it just sounds fishy. You know how, when you look back on an episode sometimes and you realize maybe it started a little or a lot before you initally imagined it did, with the full advantage of the Retrospectoscope? I guess I'm just sorta wondering about that. And if that could be the case, is there/are there anything(s (sorry for that)) else you maybe should be looking at doing to try to head this off at the pass? I don't know what those things are for you. But maybe you might think about that and see what you think.

Hope it turns around and is nothing. I have lived with never sleeping, like now, and with never being able to ever possibly stay awake. And I hate both. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

I am almost ready for work that begins at 11 AM. I will try to do better this time, and not intimidated by the shoppers. I am listening to a robust version of the Brandenburg Concertos to start my morning off on a good note (pun intended). I am getting over my ruined antique. I think I actually heard the antique scream in pain when it was stripped of its outer surface. LOL

@Wild Coyote, @yellow_fleurs -- Unfortunately, this has been going on with my sister for YEARS. She's been like this since she was about 14 years old. (Part of the problem is my mom is a HUGE enabler and gives her whatever she wants.) Now she's 21 going on 22 in April. I don't foresee herself stopping this nasty behavior until something so tragic/severe/scary happens to make her change her mind. So I think she needs a slap in the face from reality, and it won't be pretty. I just hope no one gets hurt when that slap comes around.

The ironic thing is that my sister thinks MY DAD is the one with the problems, and she says that "he needs to talk to a therapist to work out his issues." So, she definitely does not see herself as being problematic. She thinks everyone else is the problem. *eye roll*

I had my Pdoc appointment yesterday afternoon. I brought my list of symptoms and timeline with me.
He spent a full hour with me. He was really concerned for me and asked a lot of questions.

We discussed the extra lithium and I’m sure it’s helping, but I’m still having symptoms.
we are adding a small dose of Risperdal and getting rid of the Seroquel.

Dx is F31.12 - (sometimes it's good to have a reference point. And to see how a professional views your moods/behaviors, etc.)

I asked for opinions in another thread regarding therapist (helpful or not). I decided to give therapy another try; I scheduled an appointment while I was there.

I am guessing your dad confronts her now and then and since her behaviors are just fine, of course, he is the one most in need of psychological assistance.

I hope your mom sees the light and stops enabling. Although, I am very sorry to say I rarely see an enabler stop their own behaviors, as they derive some sort of a gain from enabling to begin with. The very best thing would most likely be family counseling.

It often sounds like you are an "observer" and you watch the chaos, but try to stay out of the fray? I think any approach which spares you the most is a wise approach.

You are a gifted "thinker" and "analyzer." You share a lot on an intellectual level about this situation. I would choose to report and to relate in the same way.

I am concerned about the feelings you may be experiencing, behind/underneath the thinking/analyzing?

I'm not asking you to share those feelings here, unless you wish to do so.
I do think it may be well worth your time/energy to take a look at your feelings around this family situation with your therapist? You may have already done so. If so, fantastic!

I, personally, would have quite a mix of feelings about the chaos, the family dynamics, etc. Yet, I do realize we are different people and may have very different viewpoints and different feelings about situations like this.

Again, just concerned about how all of this affects you and your welfare.
I think you know my heart is in the right place, even if I am not expressing myself so well today?

It must feel a bit reassuring that your pdoc was concerned for your welfare. It helps so much to feel "heard" and "understood," even if only enough to get our more immediate needs understood and, hopefully, met.

I happen to think most therapists are worth another try, especially if they have not somehow compromised the capacity for trust and there is a sense of both the ability and the desire to work together.

It is truly nice to have you posting again.
I am sorry you have been having such a challenging time.
I do hope you will feel better very soon!

This is very much what I have found issues with personally in the forest where I reside irl. I have not found them to be particularly (or at all) concerned for my welfare. I have not felt heard or understood, no matter how I deliver the message. I have found that more than one therapist has compromised the therapeutic relationship, as they violated my trust. With one therapist in particular, I was there to ''feed'' him, I did not realise this for a long time as I thought I was paying him to listen to me and to help me explore, heal etc. I am sure that therapist has been very helpful to some...… I was not one of them. He also said something very mean about an acquaintance of mine... I am not at all sure that that therapist was more ''mentally healthy'' than I was or am. I had some issues with trust when I began therapy. While that individual did start some ''fruitful'' therapy with me, he then bit on, violated and ultimately rejected the ''fruit'' we were creating together, and me.

Sorry about the long rant. I have found few (if any) in real life who want to listen to me. Also I find it easier to type sometimes than to talk to a professional.

''a sense of both the ability and the desire to work together'' - this is important. I am thinking of what my requirements are/would be in a therapist and this would be one of them. Also they need both the ability and desire to listen .. (obvious I think)

ETA I might start a thread with some of this and also a question.

Hugs and respect to all

It took me awhile to find this Pdoc. I went through a few pill pushers and a couple that didn't have an ounce of compassion. I've been with my current doc for about 10 years, and I trust him completely. He listens, he knows me, and his basic approach is to use the minimum dose of a medication that it takes to treat the symptoms. I've been very lucky in that regard.

As for therapy, I'll give it a couple of sessions and see how it goes.

Hi fuzzy,

I am very saddened by the fact that a therapist, or therapists, have let you down.

Unfortunately, this can happen anywhere and at any time.
I have had therapists do some very unethical things. It is very disheartening. I was lucky that I could start again with yet another therapist who was very reliable, compassionate, insightful, etc.

I hope you can find a therapist who has the qualities you need in order to work together with respect, with trust, with compassion and more.

I do think your thread idea is a great one! I hope you will consider making a thread like you have described!

Much Love to You!

@bpcyclist hi again! Thanks for your concern. I am hoping it was just a phase due to being sick. I set an alarm today and woke up at a more reasonable time and feel rested. Now I just have to monitor that I stay awake today.

On another note, I'm a little anxious dealing with a troublesome "relationship" with someone on another forum. They were rude to me and I had to report them. Now they're surprised I reported them and commented so on my thread. Do I report that too or just ignore it or what? I've never had anyone "obsessed" with me before. I feel bad that they claim not to have friends and I want to like tell them why I think that is, but at this point I'm afraid to even make contact with them anymore. Like maybe they really are just trolling. :/

You are very fortunate, indeed!

I have had a few pdocs over the many years. Most were great!

The pdoc I was with the longest had retired almost 1.5 years ago. I had been with him for 20 years. I absolutely trusted him totally. He had worked very hard for my trust, too. I had been so traumatized, I was not into trusting anyone. We are still in touch now and then. We email just to say hi and to catch up a bit on how life is going for each of us.

My new pdoc? Her personality is the antithesis of his! Wow!
I have told her she is a "knee-jerker," as in has a lot of knee-jerk reactions to things. She also shoots from the hip more often than not.

She tells me that I have a very calming influence upon my surroundings, including her and her office.

Is this "backwards? Is it okay? Lol!

And so, we are very different from each other.

Sometimes, I want to call it a day and leave, looking for a new pdoc/therapist. Other times, I am intrigued and learn something important about myself via our interactions and.... well, I think there may be some "healing" in working this out with someone with a very different viewpoint and/or approach.

In all honesty, most of the times I am feeling like "quitting" with her and finding someone else, I am, on some level, judging her./her behaviors/her ideas/her beliefs.

I tend to think that the people, the behaviors, the areas in life where we hold judgment, are the very places we have something to learn

And so... I take it day-by-day with her. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I am very pleased she is fantastic with meds.

I hope you find a therapist most helpful to you!

What makes life wonderful, for me, is that I learn something new every single day. It's not always some complex or obscure thing. Sometimes it's something little that I'd think I should have known decades ago. Those discoveries can be profound, nevertheless.

Before I went to my therapy today, I thought I'd have nothing to say. I always do, of course, but sometimes still feel the session offers little. It was a surprise to find that the small thing referenced above made this afternoon's visit especially rich and rewarding.

I splurged on my way home and bought a donut. I asked for a vanilla cream filled, but when I bit into it it was Boston cream. That, in contrast to the above, was disappointing. Now I know that I should only buy it at this one grocery store, not Dunkin Donuts. The ones from the former show the cream oozing out, so there's no chance for mistakes. Why is "vanilla cream" now "Boston cream" in some places? What is the world coming to?!?!

My mom will probably continue to enable. I want to be optimistic and say she'll stop, but she enables in secret sometimes and then my dad and I find out later on that she has been enabling my sister. So I think these problems will continue as long as my mom continues to enable her. My mom has to learn how to stop, and I have tried numerous times to get her to stop, as has my dad, but she "feels bad" and continues to enable. So in that sense, I would say my mom is the root of the problems, not my sister. My sister just takes advantage of whatever is given to her because she is a sh_tty person.

There are two kinds of people: if someone drops a $20 bill on the ground and doesn't realize it, then the person who sees it fall either keeps it or gives it back. My sister would be the kind to keep it and run away.

And yeah, I observe. My sister and dad try to drag me into their drama, and then they both get mad at me when I don't say what they want to hear. I mean, I will be fair and say that my dad is not 100% innocent all the time, but my sister triggers him with her b_tchy behavior and the he gets exasperated and snaps. But who wouldn't get exasperated and snap when your own daughter is taunting you, saying the things she said yesterday?

It does stress me out, being dragged into this crap. I love my parents, but I don't want to be around them when my sister is there because she picks fights with my dad. I wish I could say I love my sister, but she treats everyone like sh_t (except for my mom, for obvious reasons), and she never ever talks to me unless she wants something. I will literally call her and text her, and she won't respond. I then have to call my mom to call her so that my mom can tell her to call me back. (This is because she takes advantage of my mom all the time, so she is VERY responsive to her.) But then when she needs money for something, she calls me like 3 times until I pick up the phone and she sends a barrage of texts.

My pdoc is increasing the dose of Remeron because it's not helping my depression so far.

Sleep is a problem but this time it's too much sleep instead of too little. Coffee and I have become best friends.

Saw my pdoc today.

He upped my Haldol to 20mg, and added Lexapro at a dose of 10mg. Now to wait around for them to kick in.