[saucygirl31]

M/28/USA, contrary to common belief.

Apparently, the most common comorbid disorder with Bipolar is Substance Abuse.

I am a drug addict, a gambling addict and a porn addict.

I am on probation for a violent felony that I lucky am getting dismissed in June because of my disorder, and because I am following probation orders (for the most part).

Today I just blew my savings gambling. I haven't been so down while medicated before. What really hurts the most is I thought I was done. I was saving and saving and being so frugal, only to blow it all away.

I am afraid the same thing will happen with drugs. I get randomly tested for probation and already have a violation. One more and I get 3 years. I start an out patient duel diagnosis program Monday for drug addiction and mental illness. I can't stop thinking about using.

I am NOT in control. The only thing really keeping me straight is my cat, the opportunity to go back into finance when my case gets dismissed, and the idea of starting a family when I'm older.

I've been stable for three years now.

Sounds all good, right?

Well it doesn't feel good.

[bpcyclist]

If you violate again and go away for three years, your life will be forever altered. Take it from an expert. I spent 4 1/2 years in the Oregon State Hospital--and I was never convicted of anything. Here, nobody has charges ike yours go away. Ever. That was and is a gift from heaven. Why not take advantge of that gift, instead of throwing it all away?

If the problem is your addiction stuff, what does your recovery program look like? Sponsor? Meetings? Working the steps? I ask this because, if you are an addict and are not working a rigorous program of recovery, you will just continue to relapse again and again and again. It's guaranteed.

Sending you positive vibes. Try to think about spending three years in prison. Let that settle in. Is anything worth that?

[saucygirl31]

No sponsors or steps, didn't like NA after a couple months. This is just 6 hour a day, for two week, group work. I've done it for mental illness before, just not duel diagnosis. If I recall correctly, it's simply intensive group therapy. But you're right, I think I'll need to follow it up with some homework of sorts until probation ends.

Yeah.. my career opportunities would be ruined if I got locked up. I'll think about that and try to scare myself. God only knows how hard that is to do.

Thanks for the vibes, I feel them.

[sarahsweets]

What are you doing personally to manage your addictions?

[saucygirl31]

Nothing yet but talking to people and venting.

I guess the whole point of the program i talked about is to find helpful ways to cope on my own.

[yellow_fleurs]

Welcome! I'm not a doctor so none of this is medical advice of course, but addictions will not just go away on their own. To give yourself the best chance, why not approach it just like you would a serious medical issue that could greatly affect your life (because clearly this could greatly affect your life) and get yourself the best treatment possible given your situation? It's more than just a lack of willpower preventing you from stopping and while it's good you're talking to people for support I hope you'll seek treatment. I'm glad your bipolar is stable as if that wasn't it would make everything harder. I would be concerned about it staying stable while you continue to use drugs though? Take care of yourself and keep posting here if it helps.

[saucygirl31]

Thanks.

Yes, again, hopefully this program helps give me the tools to cope after the program is over. IDK what to expect, but i am planning on taking it seriously.

Yeah to be honest my meds really keep me out of mania. I've stayed up for days on ends on drugs and never seemed to experience psychosis or even mania. It is playing with fire, i know, and i am going to be clean for some time. It's just, will i stay clean after probation is over? Not sure. Hopefully the program will change my mind.

[*Beth*]

I'm not in any way trying to be antagonistic; I'm just asking the question that comes to my mind.

If you're doing the same actions while manic that you do while *not* manic, how is that stable?

[saucygirl31]

I am not reckless when i use drugs.

I sit at home and masturbate, TBPH.

But yeah, i was recklessly spending. But that's an ongoing issue, as is drug use.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by saucygirl31

I am not reckless when i use drugs.

I sit at home and masturbate, TBPH.

But yeah, i was recklessly spending. But that's an ongoing issue, as is drug use.

I consider drug use to be reckless behavior. Masturbation, not so much

Maybe you're like me and you really don't know what "stable" actually feels like.

[sarahsweets]

hey @saucygirl31 You have a lot going on but some kind of program is needed to manage any addiction IMO especially multiple addictions. Whether thats AA, NA or SA or something through a mental health program.

[saucygirl31]

Yeah, i start the program tomorrow. I'll update probably just because it will help to talk about it.