Feeling so much

cashart10 · Jan 14, 2020 at 09:24 PM

My core is shaken. I feel like I could vomit. I feel like I’m going to explode with emotion. I want to crawl in a ball and die. But my kids are here and my husband isn’t. I can’t handle this darkness right now and I don’t even know what to do about it. I’m listening to Ani Difranco. The emotional connection and nostalgia I feel from her music only makes this worse but I can’t turn it off. It is calling me. I don’t know what one little pill is going to do to help me through this night. But, I think I’m going to take klonapin anyway. I haven’t taken it in quite some time. I am just so emotionally exhausted and I feel so raw. I don’t understand how these emotions can creep up so quickly but they have and I’m drowning. Sadness...pure sadness.

Moose72 · Jan 14, 2020 at 10:12 PM

Getting into very emotional sad music helps me when Im depressed. Its cathartic.

cashart10 · Jan 14, 2020 at 10:13 PM

Possible trigger:

I literally am having thoughts and visions of stabbing myself in the stomach.

I’m starting to panic. I’m scared to call my husband. I’m scared to go to the hospital. I haven’t been since my 6 year old was about 6 weeks old and my kids, especially my 9 year old son who is having some serious issues, are so attached to me. I probably won’t even need to go it’s just heavy on my heart right now because I keep thinking if I do have to go it will traumatize him. I’m seriously not sure what I’m doing here right now. Like seriously, am I going to handle this? I’m not sure what to do.

Moose72 · Jan 14, 2020 at 10:19 PM

Does your pdoc's office have an after-hours line? If so, call them and talk with whoever is there to talk. Tell them what you told us and they can help point you in a good direction. Btw,

Possible trigger:

Ive had those stab myself in the stomach thoughts many times. I hide in my room where there isnt anything I can hurt myself with until the thoughts pass. And make that call! How about a suicide hotline? I know they will talk with you!

cashart10 · Jan 14, 2020 at 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72

Does your pdoc's office have an after-hours line? If so, call them and talk with whoever is there to talk. Tell them what you told us and they can help point you in a good direction. Btw,

Possible trigger:

Ive had those stab myself in the stomach thoughts many times. I hide in my room where there isnt anything I can hurt myself with until the thoughts pass. And make that call! How about a suicide hotline? I know they will talk with you!

Thank you so much! I’ve had them lots of times too it’s just I never know how to survive them I just somehow always do. That is a great idea though. I will do that. My bed may make me fall asleep faster too. My pdoc office does always have a pdoc on call it’s just I feel like an idiot calling them. Plus, what if they were to take out a miw?

BeyondtheRainbow · Jan 14, 2020 at 10:34 PM

When does your husband get home? Would your mom come stay with you until he does so you don't have to be scared and alone?

Moose72 · Jan 14, 2020 at 10:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you so much! I’ve had them lots of times too it’s just I never know how to survive them I just somehow always do. That is a great idea though. I will do that. My bed may make me fall asleep faster too. My pdoc office does always have a pdoc on call it’s just I feel like an idiot calling them. Plus, what if they were to take out a miw?

Try not to feel like an idiot. The people when Ive called my after hours line are so calming and reassuring! What is an miw? A well check? I actually had people from my pdoc's office come out to my apartment to do a wellness check at night. They had me sign a safety plan that we made together. It was helpful.

cashart10 · Jan 14, 2020 at 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

When does your husband get home? Would your mom come stay with you until he does so you don't have to be scared and alone?

He isn’t working. Right now he’s at one of his friend’s houses hanging out with a group of guys that get together on Tuesday nights to play D& D. I don’t really want to cut his night short and my mom is sleeping already. I really wanted to text my t. I’m very close to her but I just think it’s too late and as I waited and waited to make that decision, I definitely think it’s too late now.

cashart10 · Jan 14, 2020 at 10:44 PM

Miw = mental inquest warrant. They can detain you for up to 72 hours against your will. Who did the wellness check? The police? That might scare my kids.

Moose72 · Jan 14, 2020 at 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cashart10

Miw = mental inquest warrant. They can detain you for up to 72 hours against your will. Who did the wellness check? The police? That might scare my kids.

No not the police. It was two people that work with my pdocs office. I have had the police at my house once when I was

Possible trigger:

sui. I got taken to the ER then hospitalized and then IP on their psych floor. The police spoke to my son- then 13 or 14- that I was going to the hospital and was he ok being alone.

HALLIEBETH87 · Jan 14, 2020 at 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cashart10

Miw = mental inquest warrant. They can detain you for up to 72 hours against your will. Who did the wellness check? The police? That might scare my kids.

The police did a wellness check on me. I was scared but they were nice but he even called ems so yes it may scare your children. At this point I would suggest either using the numbers I sent you or calling your husband to come home bc you don’t sound safe

BeyondtheRainbow · Jan 14, 2020 at 10:56 PM

They can't hold you against your will unless you are planning to hurt yourself or others. Just having thoughts of it that you don't plan to act on will not cause them to do anything but adjust your meds. If they are worried they could send a wellness check (which can be police, an ambulance or community mental health, depending where you live). I think you should call the pdoc's line. Maybe you'll get lucky and your pdoc will be on call.

cashart10 · Jan 14, 2020 at 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

The police did a wellness check on me. I was scared but they were nice but he even called ems so yes it may scare your children. At this point I would suggest either using the numbers I sent you or calling your husband to come home bc you don’t sound safe

Thank you! I’m texting the # you gave me right now.

cashart10 · Jan 14, 2020 at 11:10 PM

I am chatting with a crisis line right now. Depending on how this goes, I will likely page the pdoc. Thank you!

Moose72 · Jan 14, 2020 at 11:13 PM

That's great! Keep us updated!

cashart10 · Jan 14, 2020 at 11:36 PM

Left a regular vm instead of after hours because I’m confident they’ll just tell me more klonapin. Still talking on crisis line. I feel compelled to go outside. It’s past 11:30 though and the kids are sleeping. Is that an irrational thought?

HALLIEBETH87 · Jan 14, 2020 at 11:40 PM

I would stay inside in my room and chat with counselor

BeyondtheRainbow · Jan 14, 2020 at 11:42 PM

I agree with HallieBeth. It's safer to stay put and connected to help. Do you have meds to help you get to sleep?

cashart10 · Jan 14, 2020 at 11:53 PM

Thank you both! I will do it. Yes, I can take up to 4 mg of klonapin a day and I only took 1.

Victoria'smom · Jan 15, 2020 at 12:27 AM

Hopefully you're sleeping now. I hope you have a better night.

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BeyondtheRainbow Wise Elder Member Since Apr 2015 Location: US Posts: 9,226 (SuperPoster!) 9 9,384 hugs given	Jan 14, 2020 at 10:34 PM #6 When does your husband get home? Would your mom come stay with you until he does so you don't have to be scared and alone? __________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1700 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 1.5 mg clonazepam., 50 mg Seroquel
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Moose72 Silver Swan Member Since Jan 2008 Location: USA Posts: 16,470 (SuperPoster!) 16 2,545 hugs given	Jan 14, 2020 at 11:13 PM #15 That's great! Keep us updated! __________________ Wellbutrin XL 300 mg Caplyta 42 mg Ingrezza 80 mg Ativan .5 mg 2x/day Propranolol 20 mg 2x/day Mania (December 2023) Mixed episode/Hypomania (September 2023) Depression, Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts (September 2021) Depression & Psychosis (July/August 2021) Mania (April/May 2019)
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HALLIEBETH87 Legendary Member Since Oct 2004 Location: usa Posts: 11,196 19 2,740 hugs given	Jan 14, 2020 at 11:40 PM #17 I would stay inside in my room and chat with counselor __________________ Bipolar 1 w/psychotic features or schizoaffective bipolar type PTSD generalized anxiety OCD celexa, prazosin, Lybalvi and prn zyprexa and klonopin
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BeyondtheRainbow Wise Elder Member Since Apr 2015 Location: US Posts: 9,226 (SuperPoster!) 9 9,384 hugs given	Jan 14, 2020 at 11:42 PM #18 I agree with HallieBeth. It's safer to stay put and connected to help. Do you have meds to help you get to sleep? __________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1700 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 1.5 mg clonazepam., 50 mg Seroquel
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Victoria'smom Legendary Member Since Apr 2012 Location: Earth Posts: 14,903 (SuperPoster!) 11 5,429 hugs given	Jan 15, 2020 at 12:27 AM #20 Hopefully you're sleeping now. I hope you have a better night. __________________ Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog
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