My history with mental illness up to date-summary

@~Christina and anyone else confused by my posts over my time here.

quick summary (although I'm tired and might forget something)

All started after a terribly traumatic breakup with a group of friends. I was alternating between depression and anxiety and had been alternating between a euphoric-like type feeling with them as well as anxiety that they didn't like me. They had suggested therapy for me and at the time I thought they were crazy. Just because they needed it, didn't mean I did. They kicked me to the curb. At that point, I felt that they made me crazy and I did need therapy. I went to therapy and it helped some, but she was concerned I had ADHD and I kept thinking I had bipolar (because the group of friends who rejected me shared a lot of traits with me and they had bipolar).
So, I asked to be referred to a pdoc (or technically an NP at this point). i was initially diganosed with depression and anxiety and was prescribed Prozac and Propranolol. Then it was bipolar after a few visits and I was prescribed Latuda. Then, she thought I needed to see a real pdoc to possibly rule out bpd (i had read about bpd and I exhibited this "favorite person" syndrome and thought some other things sounded familiar).

Still in therapy but at some point, i had to see a different therapist for the psych evaluation to go through. She suggested to check hormones. Well, I got a stubborn doctor (endocronologist) who wouldn't do it because if I have my period, I can't have hormone issues. Or well, i guess he tested for some. Regardless, I came back healthy. In a later visit with my current primary care doctor (who had previously diagnosed me with IBS, anxiety, hypothyroidism, and/er well the inflammatory autoimmune disorder-which i won't mention cuz it's rare and i'm private-was diagnosed previously but he's continuing treatment with it along with herbal and vitamin supplements, diet and exercise for low iron, and low vitamin d.) Amidst all of this, i was also put on an med for ADHD (Intuniv) but it made me exhibit hypomanic symptoms (no sleep, jitters, racing thoughts). i got off that right away. Then we tried bipolar medication. Latuda was one, because it would help with sleep too. It knocked me out, but it was so expensive. So I got an order of Trazadone and switched to Abilify. (at some point I switched from Propranolol to Clonazepam for anxiety and from Prozac to Zoloft for depression).

I did do a psych evaluation, i can't find the paperwork at the moment, but for sure I was diagnosed with dependant personality disorder and unspecified biipolar disorder (i think the others were depression and GAD). Well, my mood was stabilizing (or was already stabalized from the Latuda), but i was gaining so much weight. I asked to come off of the Abilify because i was doubting my, at that time, bipolar nos diagnosis. I mean, I assumed it meant that i really didn't have bipolar. But i kept questioning and was asking questions here and I still wonder. I doubted my dpd diagnosis from day one. Reading others' posts on various sites, I don't really relate to them...except for the anxiety. And finally, this was right before coming off of Abilify, I was finishing up some one on one therapy with my first therapist with my husband present. We had tried to work out a chore schedule and a sleep schedule because of my issues were effecting my daily to dos. Eventually hubby got fed up that it wasn't really changing me... I made one last try with some DBT with a third therapist. It was like common sense to me though and we hit a roadblock because there were some things that I just couldn't do on principle (not getting into that). But basically, i wasn't gaining anything from being there, so I quit. The last mental health professional i saw was the pdoc to help me get off the Abilify. And now here we are...it's been almost a year since then (or half a year). At any rate, I only lost about half to twothirds of what I gained, so I've been kinda depressed and frustrated to lose weight and others are concerned about my future health should I remain so big (I'm not THAT big, but they're concerned nonetheless, so it's big enough).

think that's it! i mean, I think I got everything in there pretty close.

sigh! I'm tired now!...and hungry!

Okay that really helps !! Thank you !

Now I feel I can offer more informed advice

*** I am not a doctor and not diagnosing , just some thoughts***

I’ll start this off saying the vast majority of people with BP or and mood disorder builds up slowly over time, we don’t really see it until something big happens or we start to struggle with daily life and relationships. Once we get our feet under us and we look back we can start to see things. Of course there are people that literally implode, psychotic breaks out of nowhere it’s just not that common.

Relationship troubles especially within groups of people can be tough but yes latching on to one more so and probably you did act “ off” or to use the “ crazy” word. Maybe age is a factor ?

Hmm first ... Lots of people have bpd co morbid with Bipolar nos 1 or 2 .. generally “ most everyone “ BP has at least one or two traits..

As for your medications tried.. usually a Pdoc if they suspect BP likes to start with Lamictal or Lithium some at the same time , which I think muddies the water if side effects pop up .. what’s doing what?!! Lithium is the gold standard treatment as it was the first medication made specifically for BP after all. Lamictal is a seizure medication but long ago if was found to had a “ mood stabilizer effect” most everyone tolerates it if it’s titrated up correctly. It works in the back ground it just gradually works on the depressive end , it does nothing for hypo/mania.

Putting a possible BP person on a ADHD Med or an AP can cause a total mess.

When a person complains of insomnia so many Pdoc are now just reaching for AP’s , I don’t agree with that , sure maybe someone strung out for months of no sleep give them an AP or say Ambien short term , allow a person to get some rest. Then start addressing the symptoms.

Was your husband with you for each session ? I can’t imagine going to Therapy and my husband with me unless it was marriage counseling.

But anyway. Since your struggles are impacting your life so much I think a T would be very helpful, it’s hard to learn coping skills on our own if we are just bouncing around banging into things. I can teach you numerous ones but sitting in a room with a trained T walking you through each step and making corrections right away? Those skills you will truly know how to do and actually be able to use them when you really need them the most.

Having an auto immune disease does make treating other medical conditions often more difficult and psych meds are so touchy to begin with ... it really needs to be your GP and Pdoc working together

Ability is known for weight gain , but you might find that a mood stabilizer is all you need... or you might want to not try or go on any medications right now ... that’s fine too. I’ve been Med free since last March ... it’s not been easy, I’ve had a lot of situational stuff and physical meds interacting causing more health problems ... so it’s been a struggle, white knuckle at times.

My husband and I gave an agreement, if I’m not doing well and I can’t see it ? I will go back on meds... why? Because my husband deserves the best me possible. Med weight gain was one of the reasons i got off Meds but I also quit other non psych meds , I just wanted to give my body a chemical break.

If your husband is okay with you off meds and your able to function well , get chores done etc and your not finding your symptoms too destressing then focus on Therapy work, there no such thing as too many coping skills.

But if you have a talk with loved ones and they voice concern over your wellbeing please do listen.

Put a frog in a pot of cold water turn in the burner it won’t even know it’s being destroyed unless someone stops it.

Effectively treating Bipolar means from all sides, meds? Quality sleep, diet , exercise, meditation, mindfulness , coping skills , a literal truck load, being able to go about you day productive, if you have a mountain of laundry you not washing that IS a problem, jack of personal care , bathing daily, clean clothes. I personally look like a HoBo while at home, ratty clothes , but I can dress appropriately when I need to go out. Lots of studies recommend drinking warm water with one squeezed lemon for helping with anxiety.

Ok I have blabbed on and on , but thanks for throwing it all together.

You can get help or wing it alone ... You just have to make the best choice (s)for you and your loved ones.

I need to go to bed, I will post tomorrow. thank you for sharing!
bizi

I'm still pretty sick *coughs* so I'll comment when feeling better. Thanks you guys!

are you feeling better?
bizi

@bizi a little. But not yet up to making any long postings

you can make short posts. not long ones.
bizi

Ok, in that case. Im curious what @~Christina meant by this. The age thing

"
Relationship troubles especially within groups of people can be tough but yes latching on to one more so and probably you did act “ off” or to use the “ crazy” word. Maybe age is a factor ?"

Christina gave excellent advice. I want to add:

Bipolar is a spectrum disorder IMO. That is, not everyone fits perfectly into one category (BP I or BP II). In fact, I made a thread a long time ago asking people if they "fit" their BP diagnosis perfectly. Most people said they don't 100% fit with their diagnosis because they were sorta "in between" BP I and BP II, despite being given a diagnosis of BP I or BP II. So when I think of BP I and BP II, I think it means that the person most closely fits with that diagnosis, but that it's not all cut and dry like doctors want you to think. Thus, when I think of "unspecified bipolar" (AKA bipolar NOS), I think that the person's pdoc is considering the entire spectrum and doesn't want to label the patient with something they don't fit 100%. Is that right or wrong? Not really. It just means either the doctor doesn't know 100% which "flavor" of BP you're closest to, or they think you're in between Dx's and don't wanna give the wrong impression. But nonetheless, it is bipolar and it is serious.

Now personally, I don't think I am BP I. I was diagnosed with "bipolar 1 disorder w/ mood-incongruent psychotic features." Basically, I am said to have bipolar 1 where I experience psychosis both inside and outside of mood episodes. I do acknowledge the psychosis, but I really don't have genuine mania. Hypomania, maybe, but mania? I don't think so. However, there is no such "bipolar 2 w/ psychotic features" diagnosis in the DSM or ICD, so I'm just labeled with "bipolar 1." Thus, as you can see, it's just a label.

At the end of the day, though, your goal should be to get the treatment you need and deserve. I agree with Christina that therapy is a great place to start. If a medication helps you in some way, then maybe you need it or need a medication in that same class of drugs. I do think correct labels are important, though -- not for treatment per se, but for insurance purposes. Prior to my diagnosis changing from "bipolar 1" to "bipolar 1 w/ mood-incongruent psychotic features," my insurance rejected specific antipsychotics because they said those ones were "primarily for treating psychosis" and I didn't have a label that said I had psychosis. Your insurance company might not be that a.nal, though. However, you still want the correct Dx in case your insurance changes its policies or you change insurance companies. (I have Harvard Pilgrim, which is a non-profit Massachusetts insurance company, but they contract out behavioral health services through United Healthcare, and United Healthcare is the one who was rejecting meds. And unfortunately, United Healthcare exists across the country, so there's that.)

First off I want to say Blues response is spot on. Across the board as always !

As for “ relationship trouble “ I will bet 8 out of 10 people with ANY mental illness has trouble with friendships, it’s for a lot of reason like our own self esteem, social anxiety, often we can’t follow through with plans, it’s also difficult to “ spread our attention “ across a group of people, it becomes overwhelming and it’s easy to kind of latch onto one or two people more than others.

I’ve had groups of work friends years ago we would all go out after work pretty often. One of my coworkers just kind stayed right on my hip... it just got really uncomfortable, I did think she was obsessive.. I’m sure at the time I thought she was “ crazy” or “ weird” I’m guessing I started paying her less attention..

Now ? I can look back and see she had mental health problems. I really wish I had helped her, but I was undiagnosed BP and spent months Hypo/Mania back then.

Relationships are hard to maintain for all kinds of reasons.

As for “ age” many younger people struggle to find the “ pecking order “ in a group of friends. Although it can happy at any age.

I don’t know if that would apply to you as I don’t know your age

I hope this helps

Feel better

@bluebicycle i havent yet had any problems with insurance for medications, but who knows in the future...and/or maybe it was because of the diagnosis.

@~Christina ok, I gotcha. In my case I was amongst my peers or those just slightly older than me, actually, many were slightly younger than me too. I'm in my 30s btw. I did do the latching and for a few that was fine, but for some other few, or one in particular (one my exact age) thought it was creepy. It was very hard feeling like a monster to the one I admired so much. Anyway, yea just a snippet of that.

Feeling a little better today but mood is going down. Hubby is "encouraging" me (more like nagging me) to work out. I'm gonna go do it, but I'm pissed and stressed because I'm still overcoming sickness and have to cook and shower and whatever else comes up at the end of a long day. (Haha to be fair, I slept in late and have been online most of the day so not really a "long" day, but it is when your mental and still under the weather). Can I just say I'm going through a hard part of my marriage right now. It's not all bad though. But just so annoying and frustrating and bumming lately.