I could use some encouragement :(

Hi everyone! It's been a whirlwind of a year. Last year I had my first manic episode in March at age 44, was hospitalized for a week, then outpatient for over a month. I was diagnosed Bipolar 1, although my doctor and therapist both say my extreme abuse of marijuana both before and during the mania, along with stress in my marriage and finances, could have created the "perfect storm". They say I may have been misdiagnosed even though I had ALL the symptoms. Mania and psychosis lasted several weeks, followed by an INTENSE, brutal depression lasting all summer, finally ending in September. I'm stable now, and applied to grad school for a Master's in Social Work with a concentration on substance abuse and mental health. I felt like it was time to use my experiences with substance abuse and mental health to help others. College started last week, and now I'm SO very afraid and anxious. Afraid of failure, afraid I'm in over my head, and mostly... afraid the stress of school could trigger another episode. Is it possible to manage BP and go to grad school, or did I make a huge mistake and put my mental health in danger? Any advice would be much appreciated.

The problem is that you can't accurately diagnose someone with bipolar when they're doing drugs or doing pot because you don't know if the gross chemical imbalance is naturally occurring or induced by a substance. People who do drugs of any sort can look like they have bipolar when they actually don't have it. I mean the symptoms can be identical. I'm not saying I agree or disagree with the diagnosis you have (because I am not a doctor), but I am just making a general statement.

On top of what I said, pot and other substances can exacerbate mood swings. Some people are okay with pot, but others get psychotic, for example.

I do commend you, though, for wanting to become a counselor and use your experiences to help others. That is very noble of you!

I did grad school w/o meds (I have BP 1 w/ psychotic features) and I was alright, but I struggled a lot and it wasn't easy getting my degree.

If you need specific grad school tips, I can help. I graduated not too long ago, although it was in computer science (so a completely different field).

It's a cyclical disease, obviously, and stress can of course be a factor in exacerbation of symptoms--if you actually have bipolar disorder.

I went to a rather competitive medical school with untdiagnosed/untreated bipolar disorder and, without getting into it, my performance did not suffer. It just was beginning to sort of really show itself during my internship (1st year after med school--very, very stressful, insane hours). I stayed in that surgery program for a total of 3 years, then left for a different specialty where people were actually happy. But I left, ostensibly at the time, because I was very unhappy in the program. It was abusive. Physcially. Emotionally. On and on.

Again, my performance reviews during those three years indicated I was performing at a high level in the program. But I was miserable. Why do I tell you all this? Because in retrospect, there is zero question that what was really happening with me during those early sugery years--forgetting about all the abuse stuff--is that my bipolar disorder was starting to rear up and fully display itself on the down pole and probably also, some mixed stuff.

So, med school for me was super fun and easy. Surgery residency was hell for everyone, way, way, way more stress and sleep dperivation and then--bam!! Symptomatic.

So, with your new stressors this year, I urge you to keep a super close eye on everything to do with symptoms of bp 1 or bp 2, since they are not sure about the dx. And stay away from all non-prescribed drugs. You might even kep a mood log. Make notes about your sleep. How is that going? Sleep can be a super sensitive and early indicator of problems. If you start to notice something kind of off, you need to reach out early and often to your team and let them know. The eariler things are caught, the simpler it is to manage--almost always.

Those are just my 2 cents. Wise people here will have other thoughts. I wish you a ton of success this year! You can totally do this!! Very exciting what you are embarking on!! Be well!!!!

Yes, those choices could cause instability, but I can also see the path you imagined for yourself playing out like you hoped. You could heal the wounds you sustained while you furthrer educate yourself and then go on to assist others. What a wonderful vision for your life.

I can see how your actions created a perfect storm, but I would offer that there may be other issues behind the scenes that led to this as well. You were abusing marijuana for a reason. It might help to do some life analysis to look for root causes for self medicating. Addressing those issues can help your quest for stability. If they persist they will play out again somehow.

Meanwhile, I think it makes sense to make sure you are covering all of your bases. Mental health is emotional health. Mental health is physical health. Mental health is spiritual health. Finding balance holistically will help ensure you're able to deal with anything that might come up.

You can allow fear of relapse to keep you from imagining and creating the life you want for yourself. You can also just jump right in and see where it leads. For me, I find merging both as my truth helps. I recognize I am afraid and develop strategies to understand the fear and address it. I create plans to leverage in case I get sick and need them in the future. I also keep moving forward and realigning with my dreams for myself. The combination helps me to feel supported while I take the steps I want to take. Relapse isn't failure. Drowning in fear of relapse and letting it steal your life and your dreams is. The perspective you keep is of the utmost importance.

I think what you're attempting to do is beautiful. It may not play out exactly like you think, but I hope you maintain your fighter attitude and keep pusing forward. If this exact path isn't right, that's okay. You can find another. Just don't let the fear keep you frozen. Much love to you!

Within the study of the Psychological Theories of Motivation, we all tend to experience either the fear of success and/or the fear of failure.

We do not need to have special challenges in order to experience these.

That said, I, too, commend you for moving forward!

Managing ourselves is a matter of finding/keeping balance. This is a challenge in an of itself. It can be done, however, and three friends here have shared their own experiences with this just above in their posts.

I do not feel like I did a very good job with balance; I just had too much going on and was very overwhelmed. I needed to free myself from the demands/expectations of others in order to find my own sense of balance in every way. fern makes an excellent point about potentially thriving most when we are most balanced in these three areas of our lives : physical, mental, spiritual. I find this to be true for me. As curve balls continue to be hurled my way, I continue to find that place of balance. We all have these curve balls to contend with.

I absolutely agree with bpcyclist's suggestion re: keeping a mood chart or some kind of a record which helps you to self-monitor a bit. You might think of additional approaches which may work well for you. You might also enlist the feedback from friends/others who know you in hopes of catching any sign/symptom early. It is important to do so, without overreacting. It takes time to know more about yourself.

I feel you are very courageous! I can celebrate with someone who has been through what you have been through and continues to want to achieve her goals!
Sometimes, people are too downtrodden by the experiences they endure with BP illness.

I want to mention a very special woman to you. She lives with BPI and has had some extreme episodes. However, she continues her work and is held in very high esteem by her colleagues and by society in general. Please do take a look at her info and, possibly, her books. I highly recommend them!
I think her story might inspire you even further!

Kay Redfield Jamison - Wikipedia

Please do continue to reach out for support!
I hope to hear more from you as you continue your journey!

You have inspired me today!
With Love and Gratitude

Just wanted to offer you a hug
((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

Thank you bluebicycle. Your encouraging words really lifted me up today. I love hearing that you successfully completed grad school, and a degree in CS must have been quite challenging. What a wonderful accomplishment! Thank you so much for offering tips on grad school. I'm sure you will be hearing from me soon!

Hi bpcyclist. Thank you so much for the kind and encouraging response. I'm in awe of your courage and insight to leave a program filled with abuse and unhappiness and pursue something else. And it gives me hope to hear that you completed your academics and internship at a high level of performance in spite of your diagnosis.

I am sleeping well currently. I think the Seroquel is helpful in that respect. When I was hospitalized last March, I had been only sleeping 2-3 hours for the 2-3 months preceding the manic episode. Unfortunately, I had no idea why at the time. I just thought it was awesome that I needed less sleep and felt super productive. Now I know better.

Thanks again for your response and your well wishes!

Thanks for the wonderful and wise advice, fern. In particular, I love what you said about drowning in fear of relapse and letting it steal my life and dreams. Over the last year, I've let fear win more often than not. I think mostly due to the shock of the mania, my behaviors during that time, and my hospitalization. It has taken quite some time to accept what has happened, and to learn from it rather than live in the past and remain frozen by the fear of it happening again in the future. My hope is that this self-doubt will continue to diminish as my coping skills grow stronger. Thank you again for your beautiful, encouraging words.

Thank you Wild Coyote. I also have a very difficult time finding balance. I tend to become laser focused on one thing, neglecting other things, and then finding myself stressed to the limit. I am a perfectionist, and this trait often manifests itself in unhealthy patterns of not doing anything for fear of failure, or overdoing and then self-doubt when I don't achieve perfection. Ugh! It's an ugly cycle I must get control of!

I appreciate the advice, especially about not overreacting should BP symptoms arise. I fear that I either won't have the self-awareness to catch it early, or that I WILL overreact and make everything worse for me and my family. I try to remember that I've been down that road once, and now both myself and my husband have a much better understanding of what we're dealing with and how to control it. I will look up Kay Redfield Jamison. Thank you for the recommendation. Knowing about the success of others is so very helpful to me, especially during these times of self-doubt. Thanks again for you very thoughtful response.

I experienced and am in the process of living something very similar. I feel you. First hospitalization at 38 a little over a year ago. Very traumatic. Diagnosis unclear. Unbelieveably shocked. Frozen for quite some time. I'm just now thawing out a bit.

I'm sending hugs

I just wanted to drop a note to let you know I think you’re incredibly brave and I hope it works out for you!