Bipolar check-in #43

Just when I thought I could escape my sister's drama...

My dad and mom wanted to bring me to dinner to one of my favorite restaurants in the city on their way back from somewhere, so we went there. My mom sent a text message to our family group text saying that we were eating Japanese bbq (where you have a grille in the middle of your table and cook stuff on it) and she took some pics of us. Then my sister got all pissy and said, "so I am not invited? You did not invite my boyfriend and me?"

She always expects to be invited to everything and have everything paid for. She even wanted a free meal for her boyfriend (since neither she nor he pays). What is her f_cking problem? Then she sent a bunch of manipulative texts to my mom saying, "I guess this is Happy Valentine's Day for me and my boyfriend?" And saying stuff like, "wow, you obviously have favorites in the family."

She is such a b_tch. Seriously. I hope she gets what's coming to her one day. And all I can say is that when my parents die, I am NOT helping her. It's my parents' decision to enable her and give in to her demands, but I am NOT making that mistake with her. She is a f_cking piece of sh_t. There. I said it.

Is there any possible way you can go to no-contact with her?

I wish I could be so sure. It doesn't look like I'll ever stop the ECT treatments. So I don't hold much hope about the memory holes ever filling back in. That's just the trade-off and I accept it. I may not have the memories needed to write a book, but at least I've got the energy to ride a bike.

Thank you! I am looking forward to it although it's a bit scary, too. I avoided it for awhile, but as I've gained some clarity realized this will likely be very helpful for me. There's so much that is almost like computer programming in our brains and I'd like to figure out what that program is for me.

Blue, I am so sorry!

I am sorry your mom (or parents) allowed your sister to carry on through the meal. She wants the attention whether or not she is present and your mom should know better.

I do not know exactly where you are at with this. Well, I know you are fed up. I am wondering if you are close to talking with your mom about her enabling, even just starting with the way she had allowed your sister to carry on throughout your time with your parents today?

I do not want to put pressure on you to do anything before you are truly ready to do so. I do want to support you and I want you to realize you are probably going to have to have a heart-to-heart with your mom , with her cell phone "off."

I have intimated a lot to you about a very similar situation in my life. My sister could not have carried on all of these years, and still be doing the same or even more, IF "mother" had not allowed this. Mother still allows this and gets upset whenever I tell her she is as responsible as is my sister. Oh well, the truth is my mother has been very involved in promoting the dysfunction in the family as a whole. I love my mother dearly and most people know she lives with me right now. I am dedicated to her well-being; yet, that does not mean she is not responsible when it comes to enabling family discord.

You can love your mom and still not like what she has been doing. Having a chat with her about this does not mean you don't love her.

I am so sorry you have had this experience again, just when you were given the opportunity to maybe spend some quality time with both mom and dad.

I am sorry for those very difficult hospitalizations you had to endure, BirdDancer, I truly am. But so happy that you are doing so well now!!!

Yes on Harbors, which is the max side of the hospital, there are a lot of people on what are termed one-to-one or two-to-one, which just means either one or two staff people with a single patient at all times, 24/7. This is usually for people who are very unstable, with a propensity for violent outbursts, or those who are suicidal. Sadly, one patient I personally knew and adored successfully committed suicide while I was there while in her room alone. Awful.

There are certainly some people on huge doses of antipsychotics and mood stabilizers, as you would imagine. These are the sickest of the sick in my state, without question. And some of those folks are unfortunately quite sedated during the day. That said, the hospital got in huge trouble with the Civil Rights Division of the USDOJ in 2008 for a vast number of things and one of these was over-sedation of patients. So, sedation is not permitted as a tool to "control" patient behavior. It is totally forbidden. This is why there are so many one-to-ones, largely. It is very labor intensive to manage disruptive patients in that kind of setting.

I struggle to articulate exactly how I feel about this situation with your sister. I have a strong sense of compassion for you both. Her desire to compete stems from a very deeply ingrained sense of insecurity. She is a very aggressive bully, but this only demonstrates the degree of her fragility.

In my experience with teams I find this energy continually comes up until the person is either 1 - exposed completely and publicly as a bully by someone stronger who makes it clear to all how weak minded the individual is. This causes humiliation and shame and shuts the person down for at least the time being OR... 2 the group the bully operates within ignores them and the bully seeks satisfaction elsewhere. She only continues where it is allowed OR... 3 - the group or circle the bully operates within lovingly acknowledges the fact that the person is severely insecure and they seek together as a group how the bully can grow in their own self acceptance and love as opposed to being a vampire like person who sucks the life out of everyone around them. This takes a neutrality that is difficult to find when you've taken someone's blows for a long time or fear them. I've been sent in to 'handle' bullies specifically on numerous occasions. They usually turn out to be very cool individuals once we strip their masks and get down closer to the root of who they really are.

Your parents do not offer love when they pacify her. It is her illusory form of love, but not genuine love. Deep down she knows this, but she will continue to fill the void she's swimming in infinitely if she cannot grow to know actual love.

If I were in your shoes I'd try to hold compassion in my heart and hope for growth for her. I'd also hold gratitude that you have the wisdom to know better and do not seek fake love from your parents. You know who you are Blue. That's a tremendous gift.

Yes, living on Harbors was extremely dangerous and scary. I developed my own strategy for trying to stay safe, which consisted mostly of never leaving my room. Like. ever.

The caring, dedicated, selfless staff at the hospital--and there are hundreds of those--go out of their way to make it as safe and tolerable as possible for patients. They are absolute heroes. There are also some absolutely hideous staff.

I am not sure it will ever really be fully behind me. What I have tried to do is to integrate it into my current self as a part of me, but not to let it dominate me. It was obviously quite traumatic. I was there for a total of 4 1/2 years before I could finally get out. 4 1/2 years just--gone. Long story. Basically, once you are admitted to that hospital for really any reason, unless you are an aid and asisist or a civil commit, it is virtually impossible to get out. A function of the system for discharges and how they are done. People are warehoused, some with no mental illness whatsoever. Unique to Oregon. Just craziness.

why English is getting more difficult to understand? It happens to me some times It's like I can't focus enough to understand. I can respond properly. However it sounds like a foreign language to me, I basically get really really confused. I tend to try to read lips when this happens. My husband can tell because of how stressed I look and I stare at his mouth. Others don't notice. I'm pretty vocal about it to my husband. I have no idea what it is originally I thought it only happened when I was manic but that's not the case.

Off and on (not every day and not all day) for some weeks, I have been getting this redness on my face. It's as if my face is a bit sunburnt (blotchy), and then later it calms. I've been straining my brain to figure out what is going on. I think I may now know. Maybe I have been having a reaction from the OTC medication Nexium (for indigestion). I'm going quit taking it and see if this stops. It does seem that many of the times I noticed this I had taken the Nexium.

Quitting too quickly can cause your blood sugar to spike into dangerous levels. I’m glad you de decided to take half

No unfortunately no basement and really no true inside area with no window to get into , a small closet but it won’t hold us and our two dogs, if one day we get hit and die well we just die , nothing I can really do about it.

@bluebicycle: Sorry to hear your sister is being unpleasant. I have a nasty sister too but we haven't communicated in years. We had a wonderful childhood together tho. How were things with your sister when you were kids?

@bpcyclist: Glad you got some quality sleep. Speaking just for myself, i wrote about a crisis i went thru in my early thirties once and found it just kept the memories alive. And the rage. I hope you won't find this with your book.

In my news, i am pretty resigned to this mild Winter depression. It's happened for the last 20 years and i've lived thru it. There's no reason why i can't again. Scrabble is going well as i'm reminding myself that i am just a junior player, just an advanced amateur. I'm 80% thru my review of my four-letter-words, total of about 5000 words.

In other news, my neighbor is getting a puppy! So now my dog will have someone to play with again, once he gets old enough. He is just two months now. He'll get his shots at four months and then he can socialize with other dogs. Until then, my neighbor will carry him around in a sling to socialize him with other people. I'm so eager to hear what she names him! I always like to hear pet names. A guy in my support group got an adult cat that had been named "Steven French"!!! For a cat! Needless to say, his name was changed to "Fluffy."

Well today is a total shyt show !

I can’t even put into words the suckage involved. Not that would even matter.

I am forever grateful to Xanax it’s not fixing matters but it’s keep me from a total meltdown

I am very sorry for the Complete Suckage. I hope it somehow turns around soon!!!! Yeah for Xanax!!

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I have had something like this happen before, approx. 30 years ago. It was off and on for 6 months or so. Docs ordered MRI and EEGs. No findings.

It is very stressful to go through this.
My heart goes out to you. I hope this will reverse soon.

Also could be a touch of Rosacea just popping out from time to time.

I went through two when I lived in Nashville. Terrifying!! So glad we don't have those here. We just have volcanoes and earthquakes.

Thanks bpcyclist! I'll keep that in mind, but I sort of hope it is the Nexium since that's at least something I can control easier (by not taking it). My skin has often been sensitive in various ways (eczema, etc) though prior to this the skin on my face had been very nice for quite a while.