Bipolar check-in #43

OMG! 55 miles? That would be like me riding my bike from my house to Brooklyn, NY. I'd surely be dead by that time. Actually, I'd likely not even make it 20% there. You're doing great!

All my tests this week have turned up good results. I’m both happy and relieved.

Still doing well.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

55 miles? Amazing!!!

Some of you are aware that we live in a small, close-knit college community and that my wife was let go late last year. Members of our community have taken up a collection and anonymously given us two postal money ordes worth over $850.

I rarely notice any mood upswings, so my therapist or pdoc usually have to point them out to me. During those times, I literally think I am behaving normally and do not suspect a thing wrong. So, unfortunately, I cannot say if I relate to your upswings that last between 12 and 6. But I do have my therapy appts in the morning (10am) and pdoc ones in the evening (6:30pm), and when I have both appts on the same day and I appear (hypo)manic, my pdoc and therapist say the same thing, so I am inclined to believe it lasts all day when it does occur.

The problem with me is that I get psychosis regardless of mood episodes, so the psychosis can impact my behavior as well and possibly make me appear "manic," which makes things confusing (to say the least). Fortunately, though, I have not had psychosis in a while.

My Birthday went fine-- all plans fell through, which I as grateful for. That sounds weird, right? I wasn't up for a party. I didn't want to be around a bunch of family and friends and force hours of "fun" to happen. I just didn't want to deal with it. Well, lots of them couldn't come because of sickness so I spent a birthday with my mom and we went out to eat, came home, ate some cake and went to bed. It really was all I was wanting all along. It may be partially depression but the added stress of that situation just was too much. I truly am glad nothing happened in the end.

I came home early from work today. I got a bad quality check on a phone call. Well, it's my second one. I am very stressed out today and I was afraid of failing another monitor due to my major anxiety. I know leaving isn't a solution to the anxiety, but it's something I could afford to do and I needed it for my health. Before I continue let me explain to you the circumstance. I am in a period called "nesting", this is for my second round (new level of service) of training. Nesting is on the production floor "training"-- actually taking calls and assisting etc. Neither issue raised is major or much more than "coaching" required. But the reason they get "red flagged" is because my test scores in training were good. I had an 100% average so the higher your score, the less you're allowed to "pass with". Someone with a lower score is expected to make a few more mistakes and get graded a bit more leniently (that is -- maybe one minor mistake won't "red flag" them) It's kind of a crazy system but the idea is to help you. I'm not upset about being red flagged -- issues are issues, but I'm upset with myself that I keep making issues for myself. This job is hard enough and if I keep making mistakes they could result in major issues. Payouts or termination. Now we are nowhere near those two things right now. The issues were minor but had to be addressed but it strikes the fear button in my heart that I'm gonna end up making this situation worse than what it is. I just have to get through Monday and Tuesday next week before I see my psychiatrist. Maybe some med tweaks is whats in order to help with both depression and anxiety. We will see how that goes I guess. I don't currently take anything for anxiety, just a mood stabilizer, antidepressant and anti-psychotic.


I just hope I find peace this weekend. I feel so stressed and all I want to do is sleep. Maybe that's the best solution for me - sleep.

I had my therapy appointment about 2 hours ago. My therapist insisted that I set up an appointment with my pdoc instead of waiting until next Friday to see him, but I said, "that's the problem. He doesn't want to set one up for me." So I'm going to wait until next Friday to tell him that I've stopped taking my rexulti. It's not worth arguing with his useless, idiotic assistant over the phone. I've done enough of that already.

I also told my therapist that I couldn't take the akathisia anymore. I said there is nothing that is going to change my mind about this med. It's a helpful med for sure, but I don't want to have to take meds to handle side effects of other meds. I'd rather switch meds instead of increasing the size of my cocktail.

If my therapist wants to tattle tale to my pdoc, then she can go ahead. Maybe it'll make my pdoc realize that I'm just going to do what I think is best for me if you continue to ignore me.

Other than those things, my therapy appointment went pretty well. We talked about work stressors and such. I felt the whole session was productive.

I really relate to this, blue. I am not sure whether my mania causes my psychosis or my psychosis causes my mania. Or what. But I definitely get psychotic completely independent of my "mood" episodes. No question about it. In fact, I don't really even like calling whatever I have a mood disorder, because it is so much more than a mood issue. Way more. I just don't think full-blown bipolar disorder with psychosis is primarily an illness of mood. It is something much more all-encompassing than that, in my humble opinion.

Well, now I've gone and done it. I signed myself up for the Seattle to Portland bike ride in Juy. 206 miles. If you are super-fit, you can do it in one day (!). I will do it in a more reasonable two and then camp out at the halfway point on Saturday night with all the normal people. I am really looking forward to it. This is the first time I have actually made any type of plan to do anything since I got out of the hospital in 2016.

Mood is okay. Still sluggish, but it's better than being horribly manic and psychotic, so I am not complaining.

Sending love and hugs to all!!!!

Well, now I've gone and done it. I signed myself up for the Seattle to Portland bike ride in Juy. 206 miles. If you are super-fit, you can do it in one day (!). I will do it in a more reasonable two and then camp out at the halfway point on Saturday night with all the normal people. I am really looking forward to it. This is the first time I have actually made any type of plan to do anything since I got out of the hospital in 2016.

Mood is okay. Still sluggish, but it's better than being horribly manic and psychotic, so I am not complaining.

Sending love and hugs to all!!!!

She said she couldn't follow me at all and that I was saying bizarre, nonsensical things. I had no idea at the time. She told me at the end of the appt that she was "concerned," and I was like, "concerned about what? huh???" (I was talking about how I wondered what would happen if a cow and a goat had a baby, and I made cheese out of the baby's milk... should I open a pizza shop? Yeah, I was not well... lol.)

I don't know why, but for quite a while I've had a situation where I feel just fine all day long, but in the evening I develop a feeling of malaise. Sometimes it causes a little anxiety which is likely the cause of some minor sweating. When this first started, I was taking Nexium and it seemed to help. I stopped Nexium because of a suspicion that that gave me a sudden red rash that would clear 8 to 12 hours after taking it. I haven't gotten the rash since stopping the Nexium (maybe a week ago), but the malaise continues. I'm wondering if I should finally go and buy some substitute for the Nexium (Prilosec or Zantac) or if maybe that's not the issue at all. It's not exactly indigestion all of the time. Chewable Alka Seltzers hadn't been doing much good.

One thing I have been doing a lot of is taking prn Ativan, for the anxiety that crops up in the evening. I think it has been mostly daily for a little while now. I don't think that could be the culprit. Or could it be? I'll admit that when I take the Ativan, I very soon after feel better and sleep well. Which started first? The regular evening "malaise" feeling or the Ativan taking? I don't remember.

The only major thing that has changed these past weeks is my stopping 20 mg of Latuda, at my psychiatrist's direction. 20 mg is a small dose, but I had been taking it for at least a year. I went straight from the 20 mg to 0 mg. But if that is the culprit, why only the evening malaise and not full day malaise feeling?

I don't know anything about Latuda, but it does seem odd that it would only be in the evenings were that the cause. I could definitely see the ativan causing some malaise, though--it is known to do that. Causes dragginess in some people. Klonopin really does it to me.

You also could have had a viral syndrome and the rash could have been due to that and not the nexium. Rashes are much more common with these viruses than most foks realize. I guess trying a different PPI might not hurt.

Whatever it is, I am sorry you are dealing with this and I hope you feel better soon!!!!