Bipolar check-in #43

Got an 8.30 am appointment with my pdoc tomorrow. Hopefully he can make sense of what is happening to me. I feel so ashamed that I became violent. It goes against all I believe in. I hope I haven’t ruined my relationship and traumatised my partner.

Well I feel somewhat alone without knowing anyone who can relate to a crazy work schedule and survive with a mood disorder. Though my schedule always changed being an on-call worker, my typical weeklooked like this:

Friday: 1:30 am to 9:30 am
Saturday 1:30 am to 9:30 am
Sunday: 10:00 pm to 6:00 am (overnight)
Monday: 10:00 pm to 6:00 am (overnight)
Wednesday: 3:30 pm to 1:30 am

I work in community centers in swimming pools and ice rinks taking care of the equipment, doing maintenance, etc. It's lot of fun despite the hours. I am so happy that I am now in a full-time role working in one building and starting at 4:00 am every day. I'm feeling very productive with a regular sleep pattern nowadays.

Many people tried to convince me that this was not a career to pursue given my diagnosis and had little support, but I went ahead anyways. I personally enjoy working off-hours, as there is far less human created garbage or drama going on with very few workers and we are too busy doing our tasks anyways. I can focus on doing solid work and feeling useful.

Well, my dog hit the trifecta today. She can belch, fart, and snore. She also takes some time to settle in for the night. She will try to lay in different directions, with feet up and down, and even on top of me, until she finds a satisfactory position. She can have a temper tantrum if I leave her outside alone. She throws all her dogfood out of the dish with her nose, carries the dish to another place, and then leaves it upside down on the ground. Sometimes she seems like a human to me.

I was productive earlier this morning, ironing some clothes for hubby. I have a lot on my "To Do" list (grocery shopping, pharmacy, tidying up house, studying French, ideally filling pill boxes). Yesterday was fun. When hubby was out walking with his friend, I put on music and danced for much of an hour. I would like to get into dancing again more often. Maybe I'll try to do a little most days. I need the exercise.

Trigger warning- SI and action

I had no idea the stress I’ve been under was affecting me so badly. Yesterday I took more benzos than usual. It made me calm initially then very agitated and impulsive. My partner went out the front to have a cigarette and disappeared for an hour. Prior to that I had told him I was struggling to breath. He tried to calm me, thought I was ok then went out. As he disappeared with no notice I freaked. I was actively suicidal and had to curl in a ball to stop the stong impulse to act. When my partner came home rage consumed me and I’m ashamed to say I pushed him against the wall and yelled at him uncontrollably.

Suddenly I poured my pills in my mouth. My partner swiftly pulled them all out my mouth before they dissolved. I didn’t want to die. It was an impulsive act. After a talk and hugs with him I calmed down. I apologised profusely. He kindly forgave me and apologised for leaving without notice. He wanted to take me to hospital but I refused.

That incident has freaked me out. I am not a violent person. Circumstances are pushing me over the edge, and now maybe some PTSD and/or Bipolar has been triggered. I start university tomorrow. Oddly I’m less exhausted than before today. Maybe it was a cathartic release. I’m still agitated today so I have finished my errands and have taken some Seroquel, my prn for agitation, to calm me.

Hopefully the worst is over. My Mum is coming over today. My partner had to work today. I think I’ll be ok as long as this isn’t the beginning of a mixed state. I see my T on Wednesday. I hope he doesn’t make me go to hospital. I want to live. I’m just very irritable and easily provoked.

Hi blue, I am very concerned about you.

I see you are circling back to the ideas and the arguments you tend to embrace when you are becoming ill.

This idea that you suffer from ADHD and anxiety (only) is truly nonsensical. As fern has suggested, please review your posts if you are interested in knowing the truth about what does go on for you.

You are currently showing signs of a lack of insight. You have cycled back into this period of denial of the severity of your illness. You tend to revisit these ideas and this state of mind again and again, enough so some of us recognize this as a part of your illness and part of your cycling when you stop meds and/or need a med tweak.

You've told us all about your severe paranoia. You have told us of these voices, both a male and a female, who both instruct you to do certain things, usually things like: Instructing you to take your life, telling you that you are stupid, and the list goes on.

You have reported having federal agents surrounding your home and have been scared to death for days/nights on end.

You have repeatedly been convinced it is your mission to save the world, about which you are delighted': yet, you suffer great distress trying to figure out how to execute your lofty mission.

You have told us about much more than I have listed here.

this is much more than an attention deficit and/or an anxiety issue.

I cannot blame you for wanting to deny your illness.
It's tough to accept and to deal with.

You are very bright. Your life holds a lot of promise. You current job, as well as your overall work history are very important. You live on your own and cannot afford to lose your job.

You have repeatedly told me that you do not want people around you to know about your illness. It's important you ask for help now. Should you lose control, there would be no way to guarantee your privacy .

So, yes, I am very concerned. I am totally convinced you are becoming increasingly ill, according to what YOU have reported to us, repeatedly.

I hope you'll truly consider all your friends here have written to you, in hopes of keeping you safe and as well as possible. We have no reason to lie to you. We do care very much about you, Blue.

What about it? How can you discount all your friends are expressing to you?

I'm hoping you'll seek help.
I love you!

The move is finished as of today. last month one of my cats had to be put to sleep because she was really sick, I still had my other cat Annie, but she got out during the move here. Now I have neither of them I'm heartbroken and miss them so much, and am filled with so much anxiety over the whole thing.

I've been very depressed. Part of it is losing my cats and part of it is likely due to the thorazine. I'm lowering the dose though (with my psychiatrists approval) then am going to ask about getting off of it entirely since I'm already on another AP and moodstabilizer, so I don't feel it's necessary right now and it's doing more harm than good at the moment. Just so sedated constantly and it's impacting my daily life in a very negative way.

The nightmares have become more frequent lately. My bedtime meds don`t seem to help too much at the moment but nights are hard for me sometimes. That`s the usual time I get panic attacks . I can handle my racing thoughts better during the day but at night they go into full swing. I suppose that`s also a problem. Thank you so much for asking.

Trigger warning- SI and action

I had no idea the stress I’ve been under was affecting me so badly. Yesterday I took more benzos than usual. It made me calm initially then very agitated and impulsive. My partner went out the front to have a cigarette and disappeared for an hour. Prior to that I had told him I was struggling to breath. He tried to calm me, thought I was ok then went out. As he disappeared with no notice I freaked. I was actively suicidal and had to curl in a ball to stop the stong impulse to act. When my partner came home rage consumed me and I’m ashamed to say I pushed him against the wall and yelled at him uncontrollably.

Suddenly I poured my pills in my mouth. My partner swiftly pulled them all out my mouth before they dissolved. I didn’t want to die. It was an impulsive act. After a talk and hugs with him I calmed down. I apologised profusely. He kindly forgave me and apologised for leaving without notice. He wanted to take me to hospital but I refused.

That incident has freaked me out. I am not a violent person. Circumstances are pushing me over the edge, and now maybe some PTSD and/or Bipolar has been triggered. I start university tomorrow. Oddly I’m less exhausted than before today. Maybe it was a cathartic release. I’m still agitated today so I have finished my errands and have taken some Seroquel, my prn for agitation, to calm me.

Hopefully the worst is over. My Mum is coming over today. My partner had to work today. I think I’ll be ok as long as this isn’t the beginning of a mixed state. I see my T on Wednesday. I hope he doesn’t make me go to hospital. I want to live. I’m just very irritable and easily provoked.

Mind if I just vent? I was having a perfectly good morning, then the phone rang. It was a wrong number.
"Hello?"
"This is ****".
"I don't know any ****s".
"Then maybe you ought to take better care with the numbers you dial!"

WTF??!! It's bad enough when people don't apologize for it -- but to YELL at you for THEIR mistake?! What an *******!!!!!

Gotta breathe. My heart rate's still up. What is WRONG with people?!!!!

That is IT for picking up numbers not on my (quite short) list!!!!! Grrrrr.

Other than that, fine.

Got an 8.30 am appointment with my pdoc tomorrow. Hopefully he can make sense of what is happening to me. I feel so ashamed that I became violent. It goes against all I believe in. I hope I haven’t ruined my relationship and traumatised my partner.

Hi blue, I am very concerned about you.

I see you are circling back to the ideas and the arguments you tend to embrace when you are becoming ill.

This idea that you suffer from ADHD and anxiety (only) is truly nonsensical. As fern has suggested, please review your posts if you are interested in knowing the truth about what does go on for you.

You are currently showing signs of a lack of insight. You have cycled back into this period of denial of the severity of your illness. You tend to revisit these ideas and this state of mind again and again, enough so some of us recognize this as a part of your illness and part of your cycling when you stop meds and/or need a med tweak.

You've told us all about your severe paranoia. You have told us of these voices, both a male and a female, who both instruct you to do certain things, usually things like: Instructing you to take your life, telling you that you are stupid, and the list goes on.

You have reported having federal agents surrounding your home and have been scared to death for days/nights on end.

You have repeatedly been convinced it is your mission to save the world, about which you are delighted': yet, you suffer great distress trying to figure out how to execute your lofty mission.

You have told us about much more than I have listed here.

this is much more than an attention deficit and/or an anxiety issue.

I cannot blame you for wanting to deny your illness.
It's tough to accept and to deal with.

You are very bright. Your life holds a lot of promise. You current job, as well as your overall work history are very important. You live on your own and cannot afford to lose your job.

You have repeatedly told me that you do not want people around you to know about your illness. It's important you ask for help now. Should you lose control, there would be no way to guarantee your privacy .

So, yes, I am very concerned. I am totally convinced you are becoming increasingly ill, according to what YOU have reported to us, repeatedly.

I hope you'll truly consider all your friends here have written to you, in hopes of keeping you safe and as well as possible. We have no reason to lie to you. We do care very much about you, Blue.

What about it? How can you discount all your friends are expressing to you?

I'm hoping you'll seek help.
I love you!

Thanks for your reply, WC.

I met with my pdoc today and he said something about my blood plasma being elevated and that's why I have akathisia? I'm not quite sure I understand.

He gave me an Rx for cogentin, which I have to pick up, but it's not ready yet. He said it should help with restlessness since I still have rexulti in my system.

At the end of the appt, he said that I don't have to be on an antipsychotic at this time while my blood plasma (?) returns to normal. He said come see him in 4 weeks and then think about a different antipsychotic like saphris, but he didn't give me the chance to discuss diagnoses with him.

HI Blue!

I am glad he gave you something for your discomfort.. Finally!

Here's hoping you will be okay for 4 weeks.
I continue concerned, just because you are already showing signs of going into an episode.

Should you need help before you are scheduled to meet with him again, what's the plan? Is his assistant going to help you out?

I do hope this all works out for you. I think you know I do.
Please be careful and please have a plan in place.

I was productive earlier this morning, ironing some clothes for hubby. I have a lot on my "To Do" list (grocery shopping, pharmacy, tidying up house, studying French, ideally filling pill boxes). Yesterday was fun. When hubby was out walking with his friend, I put on music and danced for much of an hour. I would like to get into dancing again more often. Maybe I'll try to do a little most days. I need the exercise.