Bipolar check-in #43

My dog is bizarre. Facing away from me, she bends her neck backwards to end up with her head upside down, and just sits there staring at me. Do animals do this sort of thing? I am in the process of repairing my antique, while I watch TV. Tomorrow, I go into work at 3 PM and work for only four houts, So that should be easy for me to do,

Thank you. I am going to throw every dollar I can at it. I had to use my card with a pre-existing balance. So to pay off the cash advance, I have to pay off the entire card, I am selling a couple things to help. I like grilled cheese sandwiches better than ham sandwiches and beans. I can always eat refried beans. This tastes good.

You can make it to Wednesday. It's right around the corner.

Yes my dogs twist themselves all up and stares upside down or sideways. My one lays upside down bent in half and sneezes until I give him a belly rub and a cookie. He’s got me trained lol

Ugh. What a total flail. I'm so sorry. 15 minutes is totally and completely inadequate for a person in your current situation in my humble opinion, just speaking as another patient. My shortest visits are about 40 minutes with mine.

As I have alluded to you about previously, I practiced at the Massachusetts General Hospital at one time. I can guarantee you that there are competent, caring pdocs in your area/town who have waits of much, much less than 6 months. I promise there are. Maybe your therapist could recommend a couple that she likes, since you seem to trust her.

In any event, I again urge you to do some digging and make some calls. This guy is not taking care of you!!!!!! You deserve and need so much more.

I much, much prefer most animals. Except for you guys--you guys are awesome, of course.

Yummy shrimp fajitas!!!!!!!

Here's to hoping the Xeljanz gets you feeling better pronto. I know absolutely nothing abou those drugs, except that seem to really be miracles for some folks. I hope you are one of them. Soon.

Other than a brief dusting last month, we have had zero snow here this year. None. No ice. A total non-winter. Temps sometimes in the 60s and more of that later this weer. Just bizarre. Not complaining. I'll take this over Boston or NYC winters any day of the week...

That is great news, Wander. Really glad that appt. went well.

As for the partner, the best gift I believe you can give to him is to take the best care of yourself you possibly can. Just take care of yourelf. He obviously loves you. I suspect that is all he is really hoping for.

Ugh. Had my OSH (state hospital) PTSD totally triggered today working on that book. Had to tackle the story of a very good friend who tragically died while we were at the hospital. Long, long story, but basically, the county coroner ruled it a cardiac death. Complete BS. This guy was running 6 to 12 miles a day, no issue and the autopsy results did not support that finding, when you dug into them. It was a joke. Sloppy work. My pal's sister, who is from out of state, smart, and very caring, had a second autopsy done. It turned out my friend had toxic levels of benzo metabolites, along with tons of Seroquel and other sedating stuff, They were way overmedicating him. Three days before he died, I saw him. He was slurring and stumbling and he said to me, and I quote: "They are going to kill me."

Anyhow, he clearly died of an (unintentional) polypharmacy overdose. Almost certainly, a respiratory arrest. I don't mean to be mean, but the hospital killed him. They just did.

So, that was hard, remembering all that. He and I were extremely close. Definitely my best friend at the hospital. But glad I am able to tell his story, so people will know what really happened. He was so funny and so smart. Just a great dude. I really miss him.

Anyhow, feeling -pretty good, bipolar-wise. Not really sleeping, but hey--.

Hugs to all, especially those struggling!!!!!!!

I think it is quite honorable and brave of you to tell his story even though it triggers you. I am hoping that the process of getting everything out will help you to reprocess and make greater peace with some of the memories you carry from your experience there.

Thanks, everyone. I will call my pdoc's office today to see if I can be put on a waiting list for a new pdoc. I'm sure another pdoc in the office will be fine because my previous two from this office were fine too. I just hope the front desk doesn't pull the same crap as they did when I switched from my previous therapist to my current therapist. (They basically said, "We don't do doctor sharing. You have to cancel them before we can put you on a waiting list for another one." It was frustrating because my previous therapist was talking about himself masturbating when I didn't mention anything about sex or even HINT about the topic of sex. Heck, the topic of sex NEVER came up until HE brought it up that one time. So, I just complied with the office's rules because I didn't want to deal with a horny, then-32-years-old PhD psychologist. I also didn't want to report him because I think he was just being a "young dude," albeit a very immature one. He seemed to think it was funny, when I did not. We used to joke around a lot, and I think he probably thought it was "just another funny joke," which is why I'm not really offended. I was I think 26 at the time, so he was no different than most dudes my age. Plus, I didn't want to get dragged into a huge legal mess that could see me going to court possibly.)

Anyway, I might try to leave my therapist a voicemail today requesting an appt, but I'm unsure of how to phrase my request. I basically want to talk about diagnoses and such, and talk about symptoms SHE perceives. She seems to flip flop a lot about that stuff, though, so who knows what she's going to say about that. Also, I suppose this issue isn't exactly "pressing" and thus doesn't quite warrant a sooner appt. I mean, I'm not making any new med changes at the time and I feel fine, albeit a little anxious/jumpy.

Edit: I should say I had depressive/suicidal thoughts at the time I was seeing my horny therapist, which is why I didn't want to give him up at the time. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

This makes sense as to why you would have to cancel to get on a list. I was thinking you'd be putting your name on a list for a doc in another practice altogether. Have you looked into that option?

About the therapist you mentioned... He was way out of bounds. A lot of clients have abuse in their history and that kind of 'joking' is highly triggering. I'm not saying you did anything wrong by not reporting him, but I hope someone does if he continues with those kinds of topics. It is highly inappropriate. I grew up with brothers and worked in a male driven industry and was often treated like one of the guys. Some of their jokes were sexual in nature, but never went that far. I'm glad you don't see him anymore.

The problem is that the other local places (who accept my insurance) want you to switch to THEIR providers. So, this means I cannot see my current therapist anymore if I go elsewhere, and I don't want to have to rebuild my history yet again. Plus, one of the places I called even said that I have to see a therapist WEEKLY if I want to see a psychiatrist! Firstly, they don't even know me or my therapeutic needs, yet they're saying I have to see someone *weekly* when, quite frankly, I do fine biweekly. Secondly, it seems like a cash grab on their part and it makes me wonder if they're a bunch of quacks.

As for my former therapist -- yeah, I understand what you're saying about sexual trauma and the like. I honestly don't know why he did it. All I said was, "I was cleaning my room and then I put a bunch of stuff on my bed during the organization process, so now I can't sleep on my bed until I clean it." Then he was like, "I never let my bed get that way, even during organizing. I need my bed clean for masturbation or it gets distracting," and started talking about it. It was totally weird and random... but that's what I mean when I say I didn't bring up anything sex related.

Yeah, I hear you. There are only a few providers in my area and none of them have restrictions like that. My pdoc has no requirement that I see a therapist at all actually. I wonder if they would reconsider if you had a letter from your therapist stating that you see her regularly and that you're doing well there and shifting might affect you negatively.

Yeah, that is so far beyond ok. He sounds like a predator to me actually.

Christina, I'm so glad the nausea is fading. Now let's hope another bugger is tackled.

bluebicycle, I keep having to rewrite this as I see subsequent responses. I understand the issue about practices with therapists and pdocs where you must see both within the same practice or all out. Could you talk to your therapist about helping you with this whole issue? I guess you'll need to decide if starting with a new therapist is worth getting a new psychiatrist. What is most valuable for your mental health? It sounds like you may need to make some sacrifice here. I now avoid those practices that force you to see both tdoc/pdoc there. It's not helpful for many people.

Wander, now YOUR pdoc sounds like a good one. I am happy you received good support. I hope you feel better soon.

bpcyclist, that is scary about your friend! There was a time when I was quite concerned about the amount of medications I was taking. Compared to then, my med cocktail is small, and it is still large compared to most people's. I really think it is an individual thing to some degree, as well. I know some people can handle much larger doses than others.

I took cogentin earlier this morning and I feel a lot better right now. I don't know if this is a placebo effect, though. We'll have to see in the coming days. However, I am not pacing around and I don't have any urges to move about, so that's a good start. Only problem is that I haven't eaten since 3:30am today and I don't feel hungry. (It's now approximately 3:05pm here.) I hope this med isn't killing my appetite... but it appears it is. I already had a lowered appetite. Now it's gone altogether. I didn't even realize this until I got back home from my guitar lesson like 10 mins ago. I suppose I'll go eat some yogurt or something, even though I hate eating when I'm not hungry.

Also, thanks to everyone who replied. I really want to avoid giving up on my therapist. I suppose a note from my therapist could help, but I'll have to call around to see if there is any way to keep my current therapist. It just sucks.

Blue .. your in quite a pickle. But you have an ongoing problem getting your medications handled and treating side effects, then that assistant blowing you off. Youve talked a lot about your T but usually your kind of “ whatever “ about her because you and her seldom agree on your diagnosis which is something I know you struggle with accepting whatever it might be

I understand your hesitant to leave that practice. I know most Pdocs have a long wait list but you can get on numerous ones that accept your insurance and continue with your current providers until then, yeah some Pdocs might have a policy about seeing a T and some surely won’t..

Just over the last month you have no help with a very treatable side effect that got so bad you just stopped taking your Med..

Why willingly stay with providers that just aren’t reliable about providing prompt attention ?

bluebicycle, I'm glad to read that the cogentin may be helping. I don't recall it affecting my appetite, but we're all different.

I just got home from seeing my therapist. I realized at the end that my session was one long rant about politics...and other stuff. When she first opened the door to her waiting room and saw me, she commented on my outfit. Actually, I had planned to ask her what she thought of it. I told her that I wanted "brutal honesty". I said that I wanted to know if I should wear it to my French class this evening. She said that she thinks it's fine, that people there may just think I'm a little creative. So, I'll wear it. It's just so comfortable. My shirt has a flowery pattern with a tied bottom. My pants are sear sucker with vertical blue stripes. I'm wearing thick blue socks, and have blue sneaker-like shoes.

I feel perfectly stable, but I know I ranted, but that's not that abnormal for me. She did ask me if I felt hypomanic. Actually, she asked it in a more benign way, like "So, do you think your a little hypomanic...or depressed....or something." Obviously, I'm not depressed. I told her that maybe my mood was slightly higher than last week, but I indicated it as being teeny, by showing a centimeter space between by right thumb and pointer finger. She asked if discontinuing the Latuda might have a played a part. I don't think so. I told her it's just the very start of my spring upswing. Little, teeny. She's obviously heard/seen my rants and displays before, but maybe my "show" was a little more dramatic today. I can gesticulate a lot and use language for specific emphasis.

Feeling a bit down. Felt a bit down yesterday too, even though it was a beautiful day. Probably just a small blip.

I went to my mom’s house and found the tax document I was missing. I am going to get my taxes professionally prepared this year. Usually I do it myself but I have four W-2s this year. Plus I have my usual childcare tax credit, student loan interest, etc etc. not up to it. Plus I’m always terrified of being audited because I’m not good at keeping paper work around. So yeah. HR block it is. I have to get there soon. I really, really, REALLY need the money. Last year I got a decent amount because I made so little. Thus year I made about the same, maybe slightly more. I have to pay taxes on my disability claim though so idk how much that will be another reason for professional help.

My cat is doing well. Except one of them, I’m suspecting the cat who had surgery, is vomiting. I keep finding it around the house. It’s not that much so I’m not that concerned. The surgery cat has a sensitive stomach and is likely just getting used to his new food.

I have therapy in an hour but don’t feel like going. I never feel like going. I think it’s because I just don’t have anything to talk about anymore now that I’m stable. Plus it’s so late at night. By 8pm I just want to be in my sweats in bed. I did talk her into biweekly sessions instead of weekly sessions so that’s good. I guess I’ll just suck it up and go.