Control?

How much do you think you can control this environment (or any environment)

Do you prefer rigidity or fluidity, judgment or as is.

Love and inclusion.... or not.

I'm not suggesting there are any easy answers, I haven't found any.

It also makes me think of therapy.... supposedly its the clients process. Of course it should be. But some therapists attempt to over control, when it isn't always needed... not suggesting anyone here is doing that. But it has certainly been done to me in real life. Not one person wanted to help me when the PUs were screaming at me and abusing me. It gets pretty tiring keeping being reminded of that. My stuff, my bad, ''too sensitive'' and I always was.

I'm not sure of the ''point'' of this post. Well there is one but my internal censor is biting me and telling me not to speak. Bear is in his cave and I must not talk. And here comes the night

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr bad paws

I was talking to a trusted friend about my muzzle. For whatever reason, I probably need my muzzle on

Bad paws


I posted in another forum how when I post and delete, its usually is because my mood is very low. Oh well

I'll ''deal'' with it..

Alone


(I do not trust the ''help lines'' and I do not want to be a ''burden'' to papa bear, or anyone.)

One of the posts I deleted was about ''him'' (not anyone on pc)

I've learned the only thing I can control is how I respond and sometimes it is like I'm sleepwalking and I forget that. This is a tough realization for a control freak. I've learned to manage less and facilitate more. It has evolved for me to be more about experience and motion and less about controlling how things happen. My episode a little over a year ago humbled me and stripped away any illusions I had remaining about control.

There is a time for fluidity, rigidity and judgment. My preference depends on my relative position and where I want to move to next.

Love and inclusion... Even for that which I am afraid of, ashamed of, or that which I must stand up to.

I don't have enough experience with therapy to know. If I were a therapist I would imagine I'd need a unique approach for every individual and it would depend on whether the approach added value.

I'll sit with you in the dark. You don't have to say anything

Thanks fern

This is an interesting question. I think it's a challenging one. I tend to try to overcontrol, I think to make up for the lack of control I felt in my life and family as a child. To some degree it is useful to try to make changes in our environment and not stay passive. It's healthy I think to try to control aspects of our lives. However, there is a part of life that is beyond our control, and that I think is necessary to accept sometimes. Like, I have a tendency to try to fix things that are things others need to fix about themselves, or to try to make things absolutely perfect when I could loosen up a bit, or when things don't go my expected way, I could use to be a little more relaxed and adapt. On a related note, I think it's a balance between setting boundaries to protect ourselves, and being vulnerable, which is a place where we can connect with people.

Regarding the therapy, have you found any therapist whose style you liked? Maybe if you think of what it is you want of a therapist ahead of time you could try out a few until you find one you like. I really didn't like the style of my past therapists, but do like my current one.

I think I would like a therapist who isn't too much of a blank screen, and who is more open and warm. Goals can be useful but not someone who says something about setting ''goals and time limits'' (I think that part about time limits might have been an intentional trigger... I could be wrong, but it ''worked'' in a sense to start getting to some of the ''deeper stuff'' (but I haven't found a therapist who wasn't over controlling and even judgmental grr)

Would you want to work with a therapist who said ''I want to get inside your mind'' (no need to answer, just curious, a T who hurt me said that. Also he made massive numbers of wrong assumptions about me. And when I tried to talk about them, and the mean comments he had made, he either denied it or said I was ''taking it out of context''

It's interesting about having a tendency to try to over control. I wonder how many others who have been abused also have that. A lot I would think

A therapist wanting to get to understand my mind I would be okay with, but I wouldn't want anyone to be too aggressive with it, and "I want to get inside your mind" can come off a little like that. I don't like when people just want to psychoanalyze me, but more when a therapist wants to get to know me because they care, and let's me bring stuff to them when I'm ready. I can see how the "time limits" thing would be triggering. I also wouldn't like that. The kind of therapist you describe that you would like to have is similar to my current therapist, and I think that's why it works well for me, too. I want some direction, but also to be given time to open up. Have you worked with any trauma informed/focused therapists? Some therapists seem better at addressing a specific problem, like anxiety, with a specific goal, like CBT. My current therapist seems very trauma informed, and even though I don't have major traumas, I find her style works well and is warm and safe.

I agree, he became very aggressive later on. He did want to just psychoanalyze me. I don't think the therapists have been very trauma informed. I think that would be more likely to be helpful to me, a therapist more like your T. If I don't feel safe I would never make ''significant change'' which that cold T blamed me for not making

I fit that mold and I'd say there's enough data to assume the pattern is a strong possibility. Very insightful Fuzzy.

That sounds like an uncomfortable situation with that T. I wouldn't like it one bit. I have found trauma informed therapist sometimes specify this one their websites, so it's something you could possibly look into ahead of time, if you are interested in finding a therapist.

Thanks fern

yes he really sucked grrrrr

I'm ambivalent about finding a therapist, I've been thinking of it more lately. And I will definitely look for a trauma informed therapist if I do decide to proceed, thanks

I was wondering if your therapist has said how long therapy is likely to last, or is it open ended (feel free to ignore my nosey question).. I did look up a therapist the other day who looked like a possible fit, I'll have to look carefully before I even interview any. I did consult a few counsellors for one session which were ok and then I ran. I can imagine that the T who turned so mean would be likely to take up quite a lot of time … talking about that with a new therapist, since he traumatised me in a not dissimilar way to how the parental units did, it was bad I have a good friend who sometimes sends me helpful links re Narcissistic parents. The t did a ''good'' job of botching any sort of ''reparenting'' therapy he may have been attempting

For the most part, I feel I have a rather laissez faire-attitude in life, and yet in some ways I can be a bit controlling. Not of others really, but of my own situation and environment. Perhaps some may interpret occasional actions of mine as attempts to control situations that could affect others, but again, it's more self protection. I still cling to idealism, a bit, and am often determined in that. When something or someone is harmful, I do want that to end. I do have a few self-oriented perfectionist traits, but only a few. I don't care if others are perfect or not.

I likely once wrote here about a figurative glass wall I often put between myself and those I'm not 100% comfortable around/trust. Sometimes I can come across as open, but it may still have a guarded air about it. That developed in my teens, as a protective measure. I've also used the analogy of being slightly Teflon. Figurative "bullets" seem to bounce off me a lot, as long as they aren't a shower of bullets. The "slightly" means that some bullets do occasionally make it through some cracks and fester. When it's like a machine gun shooting, I run, hide, or often fight. And I can fight!

Once I do feel safe with a person, situation or place, my glass wall disappears for them. With them, I tend to be extremely open, rarely if ever angry, fully trusting and secure, and full of deep affection, and other positives. Any wrongs are menial. With them, I am supremely devoted and giving. Unconditional love/caring.

I have had a variety of reactions to past therapists and psychiatrists. I could write a short novella about the transferances and even countertransferences. It's complex and long to describe, but I am happy that my current therapist seems to be a very neutral safe ground for me.

I am really sorry your therapist retraumatized you. That is terrible, exactly the opposite of what they should be doing. Perhaps they need to be doing their own work before trying to "help" others.

My therapist has been open ended with it, and has not set a time limit. She usually inquires at the end of each session if I would like to make another appointment, and doesn't push that either. She is moving out of the clinic to start her own, and asked me at our last session if I would like to stay with the clinic or with her. The only thing she did say that sort of set a potential time limit was that if my psychiatrist decided my only issue was OCD when I followed up with him, that she would refer me to an OCD specialist. For awhile OCD stuff was all I talked about, and she said I deserved to feel better. I think she felt she wasn't helping enough. In a way I think that made me realize I needed to bring up other stuff we could work on, so that kind of fueled me to talk about more at our last session. However, I didn't feel pressured much, just that if I wanted her help I would have to tell her what she could help me with. This was only after seeing her for over a year. After bringing up more at our last session, she did not talk about referring me again (I will still be seeing an OCD specialist soon, though, but not instead). I hope if and when you look for a therapist you find a great one that can help you with the trauma.

Hi Fuzzy!

I am sorry you have had some bummer experiences with therapists.
I have been quite lucky over the years.

I hope you will be lead to one who is a great for you, but only when you are ready.

I was talking with my old pdoc the other day. We were talking about the very limited number of trauma therapists in this neck of the woods.
He had also told me about a friend who treats violent offenders. It has been his friend's life -long research project. While doing research, he has also met with some of the victims of these offenders. He had "typed" the offenders into groups. After meeting with each "victim" many times, he'd realized the victims with the history of abuse by the most cold-blooded/calculating abusers were most "fearful" of therapy. They were fearful of anyone getting close enough to really get to know them. They were afraid that as any therapist (or friend) gets to know them, the therapist (or friend) would then know how to harm them the most.

It's very sad. We can be so hurt and so scared that we isolate. We can experience difficulties with relationships because we are very afraid of being so hurt/abused again.

How do we get beyond that degree of hurt and fear?
I definitely do not have the answers. I have struggled with this a lot in my lifetime.

Sometimes, we may decide to try taking a risk again?
If so, we can take "calculated risks" to some degree. By this, I mean we can gather information and opinions on practitioners. We can even interview the practitioner. While these measures do not provide guarantees, this type of information may truly help us to find more of what might be helpful to us?

I tend to think that every person wanting to be a therapist truly wants to help. Not everyone who wants to be a therapist is a great therapist and/or is a good match for everyone.

There have been at least three times when I was referred to a new therapist and I had thought: OMG! I'll NEVER click with this person. This is not a fit at all! Yet, I did remain engaged with them and in a short amount of time, I had a completely different viewpoint, in every case. I guess I was lucky? Maybe. I think, in some cases, I was projecting my discomfort/fear upon them and I had felt very self-protected in thinking we'd never be a fit for one another. This may have been a part of it?
In the end, I was very fond of these people.

I am hoping that if you ever decide to interact with a therapist again, that it will be a helpful, healing experience for you!

OH! And the whole "time limit" idea? Not helpful.

I know insurance companies try to put these conditions upon the therapy/costs.
Most therapists find a way to get more sessions authorized, etc. (I live in the U.S. I am not sure if time constraints are put upon therapy for financial reasons there?)

You could always inquire about this prior to engaging in therapy .

Love Ya!

Thanks BirdDancer

Thanks yellow_fleurs

Thanks Wild_Coyote

I am very fearful of therapy

I did no research on T1 - big mistake. I wasn't trusting but I'm now much more fearful.

One of the things the T said was that my anxiety ''is destructive to the therapy''.... I suppose so. and he blamed me grrrr

I was wondering if all the therapists you've consulted were experienced, as opposed to newly qualified? This question is also for anyone else who feels like answering it (grouphug)