I’m so tired

I just need to vent. Please take that for what it is. I’m so I sick of being told I can do something when I can’t seem to hack it. If my anxiety and overall well-being is being put to the test day in and day out, how am I even living? I’m not. I’m dying slowly through stress and anxiety and pain of work and fear of not having a job. I can’t afford that either.

It gets minimized every time I bring up how I struggle. “So and so can do it, so can you.”. “It can’t be that hard”. “I think you can do it.” — not one statement is helpful. They just remind me how screwed up this is that I can’t do it.

I know I couldn’t get disability because I’m able bodied I guess, but I feel crippled by my anxiety, especially here. When I worked as a teacher I was stressed all the time but not panicked. So maybe it’s just this job? I just don’t have an alternative and anything else in this area would be fast paced and less pay so more anxiety and stress for less. I hate call centers so much. But here I am.

I’m sitting in my car. I can’t go home because I’ll be yelled at for leaving work early and deal with that all day. I already feel worthless and have fears and anxieties— I don’t need to be preyed on.

I plan to go back in, in about 30 min. That’ll give me about 45min off the clock. My time isn’t an issue as far as employment goes right now , but I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t. I can’t see a psychiatrist until next week (Wednesday). I just don’t know what’s left to do. I’ve tried breathings, I’ve tried this weird “counting” method. I’ve tried just suffering, it just doesn’t work. I get so bent out of shape. I’m just broken beyond repair and nothing but a waste. That’s how it feels. No one can even acknowledge I’m suffering without putting some spin of “it’s not that bad” on it.

Oh, and tomorrow is my birthday. Hurray.

That’s it I guess. Please, I’m putting myself out here in a fragile state as it is which is dumb on my part — but please accept on your part this is where I am right now and no “I believe in you, just change your mindset!” Is gonna do much good here. There isn’t even a need for comments honestly, so don’t feel obliged. I just wish someone could understand how this affects me and why I feel the way I do. I guess if I were better with words it’d come easier.

Thanks for reading .

Ok if I just sit quietly by listening? Simply "there".

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I totally hear you . Totally have been there before, like, numerous times. It sounds to me like you definitely could benefit from a change in your anxiety med regimen. What are you currenty taking for your anxiety?

Sending you strength. But you are probably going to have to make a move or two of some kind, possibly meidication-wise, to feel less anxious. Hang in there. And get some help with those meds!!

Thanks for being honest. If you could use a hug I'll offer one. I don't truly understand, but I can accept you as you are.

I'm sorry to hear you're still finding your job so impossible. I had hoped it would improve over time and with familiarity. But that doesn't seem to be the case so i'm not sure it's sustainable. I sure don't want you to feel constant anxiety and panic indefinitely.

You mentioned not being able to get disability because you're able-bodied. But i get disability and i'm able-bodied. Lots of people get it and they're able-bodied. I just don't see how you can continue at your job when it's causing you so much anguish.

I'm just so sorry things are not working out for you. We all want to be healthy enough to work and take pride in our professional selves but it's not always possible.

What does able-bodied mean? I get disability because my brain doesnt work. The rest of my body is eh... So so.

I am so sorry, MA, that you're in a miserable situation. Please do remember that, like others have pointed out, someone can be "able-bodied" but have mental health problems that are cause for SSDI.

I don't think there's any mental health condition that is more disabling than anxiety is. Just my opinion.

As for your birthday...I do wish you some peace on your special day.

I'm sorry your wore down.

I know you don’t necessarily want a response here (and I know it may not be super helpfu) but I just want to put it out there.

I understand. I feel sometimes it’s kinda like we are drowning but everyone around us thinks we look “healthy enough...” so we must just be playing and splashing about. But because they don’t realize we are actually drowning and feel like we are dying they don’t understand why we are the way we are or why we may not be able to do the things they think we ought to.
Also fork the “well, so and so did this” bs! Everyone’s disorder looks different and just because one person makes it look easy doesn’t mean people can just assume you should be able to as well. Sometime I can’t even deal with the things another version of myself may have been able to.

Also Re: disability. A mental health disorder can be every bit as debilitating as a physical disorder and it can qualify you for disability (to my knowledge). My boss just had to go on for vertigo. Talk to your doctor about it as a possibility for you.

You are in good company here. Even though we don’t often see them (bc we struggle in silence) I am sure there are soo many other ppl like us who are battling the same demons. We got you :*

Hey @MarcusAurelius I am so sorry you are so invalidated.

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Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius I just need to vent. Please take that for what it is. I’m so I sick of being told I can do something when I can’t seem to hack it. If my anxiety and overall well-being is being put to the test day in and day out, how am I even living? I’m not. I’m dying slowly through stress and anxiety and pain of work and fear of not having a job. I can’t afford that either. It gets minimized every time I bring up how I struggle. “So and so can do it, so can you.”. “It can’t be that hard”. “I think you can do it.” — not one statement is helpful.

This is totally unfair, rude and untrue. Sure wouldnt we all like to just suck it up and keep going? Do people think we like having these issues? I personally throw one right back when I hear these types of things.
" So and so has no trouble getting out of bed and doing the dishes"
"Oh, well does so and so also have manic cycles and want to harm themselves whilst doing that wonderful thing you think I should easily be able to do?"

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They just remind me how screwed up this is that I can’t do it.

Flip the script: let it remind you how uncompassionate they are and feel sorry for them that they have such unempathetic feelings.

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I know I couldn’t get disability because I’m able bodied I guess, but I feel crippled by my anxiety, especially here.

I am on disability for bipolar, adhd and GAD.

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When I worked as a teacher I was stressed all the time but not panicked. So maybe it’s just this job? I just don’t have an alternative and anything else in this area would be fast paced and less pay so more anxiety and stress for less. I hate call centers so much. But here I am.

Those sound terrible.

Quote:

I can’t go home because I’ll be yelled at for leaving work early and deal with that all day. I already feel worthless and have fears and anxieties— I don’t need to be preyed on.

Who do you live with that will yell at you like that?

Quote:

I plan to go back in, in about 30 min. That’ll give me about 45min off the clock. My time isn’t an issue as far as employment goes right now , but I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t. I can’t see a psychiatrist until next week (Wednesday). I just don’t know what’s left to do. I’ve tried breathings, I’ve tried this weird “counting” method. I’ve tried just suffering, it just doesn’t work. I get so bent out of shape. I’m just broken beyond repair and nothing but a waste. That’s how it feels. No one can even acknowledge I’m suffering without putting some spin of “it’s not that bad” on it. Oh, and tomorrow is my birthday. Hurray. That’s it I guess. Please, I’m putting myself out here in a fragile state as it is which is dumb on my part — but please accept on your part this is where I am right now and no “I believe in you, just change your mindset!” Is gonna do much good here. There isn’t even a need for comments honestly, so don’t feel obliged. I just wish someone could understand how this affects me and why I feel the way I do. I guess if I were better with words it’d come easier. Thanks for reading .

There is this technique that I actually read about in a fictional show that I call 4 blue things. It could be 3 or 5, whatever you want. When I am in utter panic I look for 4 blue objects and say them out loud slowly.
For example I'll say "I see the blue car"
"I see the blue toothbrush" " I see a blue book" etc. Sometimes mometarily taking my focus off my panic and speaking out loud halts the anxiety attack. But medication has been the most effective form of treatment for me. Keep your chin up.

It’s okay to feel broken.

You keep struggling to swim upstream sometimes it’s okay to just float, just float it is truly okay to be broken.

Next week you will see your Pdoc and you both can come up with something to try..

When I am in a bad way I often think ooook I see my T in X days sometimes it helps to say outloud , it can help relieve the “ I’m going to feel this forever “

Just float

Hey all,
Thanks for your positive responses. They mean a lot to me because they give me a sense I am not alone. Many of you have brought up my comment about getting disability. I’ve always heard and experienced that it’s hard, if not impossible, to get disability for anxiety related illnesses. My sister draws disability for emotional issues but that battle lasted years with appeals and all that. That was many years ago with some circumstances that may have complicated it more than I realized – but that is where I was coming from with my statement. I hope no one took offense to my statement, it was there to express the doubt I have about being able overcome this situation. My living situation and all aspects of my life are in chaos. I live with my mother which is not ideal, but I don’t have much of a choice – there are more issues there than I rather get into, but anyway.

I’m sorry for pushing this post back to the top. I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who responded. All were very kind. My situation can only get better, right? Let’s hope it all works out in my favor.