Doubting the diagnosis. Again.

Is there even a point to it? I've been diagnosed more times than I can count, I'm on six or seven different meds for my bipolar, I've been hospitalized for mania, depression and everything in between, I've woken up to cops in my room, I've had voices keep me up at night, and ruined very close friendships because of my behavior.

Everyone close to me knows I have it, basically every psychiatrist I've seen in the past six years has diagnosed me with it and some have called me a textbook or even a severe case, and would laugh at me if I brought this up.

I still have trouble accepting the label because I don't feel like I'm that extreme despite what everyone else says. I find myself questioning whether or not I really need meds and so I go off them, and then I end up depressed again. It's an endless cycle for me.

I haven't had any manic symptoms since around August. I was stable for a few months then crashed back into depression in December which is where my mood currently resides. Actually, I'm going inpatient tomorrow because the staff at partial are extremely concerned about my safety.

I know I should just grow up and accept it, but I can't help but think there's nothing actually wrong with me and that I've been playing up symptoms this whole time for attention. They would have caught that, right?

Yes, it appears you have a clear pattern. I'm basing that on your own words provided here. Try to put yourself in a neutral observer like mindset and read your post. Given all of the data and how all of the professionals who see this all the time have assessed you, do you still question it?

Even if you toss the label out it seems you have extreme experiences that require professional intervention and medication. Would it be helpful if you could start with a belief like that without labels?

I wish you the best while in inpatient this time. Take a look at the people there with you with similar labels. Do you find them to be less valuable as a human because they have a diagnosis and need help from time to time? Do you refute their labels? If not, ask yourself why a diagnosis can be ok for them and not for you even though many of the patterns and symptoms are the same. Maybe part of your inpatient experience can focus on accepting that you need assistance and you're not alone in that.

Also, I wonder if your energy would be better served contemplating how you can learn what you need to and gather the tools necessary to thrive despite your condition as opposed to wondering if you have been labeled correctly. You seem to have the spirit of a fighter, but it might be time to choose a more value add battle.

This is all just food for thought. These are difficult circumstances to make peace with and we all have to do it in our own time and in our own way.

I don't look down on others for having this disorder at all. I'm just concerned with the possibility I'm taking all of these medications for nothing. But you're right, objectively something is wrong and I should just focus on fixing these problems rather than trying to find the right label.

Well if your taking meds and quit then have an episode then back on meds and feeling better until you quit again , well that is a standard pattern for Bipolar.

If you can’t accept the word Bipolar why not just accept that you need medications to manage symptoms that will appear if your not on meds.

Hey @251turnaround: I do not think there is a bipolar person alive who hasnt dealt with thinking they were not bipolar or that they need meds. IMO its a symptom of the bipolar and plays into our non-compliance with take meds and having therapy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 251turnaround Is there even a point to it? I've been diagnosed more times than I can count, I'm on six or seven different meds for my bipolar, I've been hospitalized for mania, depression and everything in between, I've woken up to cops in my room, I've had voices keep me up at night, and ruined very close friendships because of my behavior. Everyone close to me knows I have it, basically every psychiatrist I've seen in the past six years has diagnosed me with it and some have called me a textbook or even a severe case, and would laugh at me if I brought this up. I still have trouble accepting the label because I don't feel like I'm that extreme despite what everyone else says. I find myself questioning whether or not I really need meds and so I go off them, and then I end up depressed again. It's an endless cycle for me. I haven't had any manic symptoms since around August. I was stable for a few months then crashed back into depression in December which is where my mood currently resides. Actually, I'm going inpatient tomorrow because the staff at partial are extremely concerned about my safety. I know I should just grow up and accept it, but I can't help but think there's nothing actually wrong with me and that I've been playing up symptoms this whole time for attention. They would have caught that, right?

I didn't expect you would look down on them. I was hoping you could extend yourself the same love and courtesy

The medications are a struggle for most. I went through that. Instead of rejecting them I tried to see them as a helpful tool to allow me to get to a place where I could make changes in my life. I focused those changes on areas that were imbalanced and potentially exacerbating my mental issues. I felt like if I needed meds, I would do all of the inner work I could so that the meds needed to do the least amount possible for me. Otherwise, I was placing all of the heavy lifting on the meds and that didn't feel like a sound strategy to me.

Good luck today. We support you!

Until fairly recently I couldn't shake the idea that I "made it all up." I felt guilty for "lying" to my pdoc. I never stopped taking my meds, though. I was afraid that the disorder I "made up" would plunge me into a depressed or dysphoric manic episode. But I was still struggling with the diagnosis.

Go figure the logic on that.

This was a huge problem for me when I was first diagnosed. I felt like I was being too dramatic and that I was making things up. So I would go off meds, fall again, try a new med, go off, fall again, repeat etc. the first thing that got me to accept the need for meds was when I went psychotic for the first time. It was very scary, thinking that people could read my mind and that people were trying to hurt me. Since then (2014) I have stayed on meds. I didn’t really find the right combo until 2018 but I finally have and have been stable since then, except for a situational episode.

I have a dumbledore quote tattooed on my arm: of course it is in your head, but why on earth does that mean it is not real?

I think you ending up in the hospital multiple times should make it real obvious to you. Otherwise, how do you explain this? You cannot, but hey, give it a try. Maybe there is something here that I am not understanding.

I like that quote. I am not a huge Harry Potter fan but that line is a good one!

Acceptance, self doubt, and denial are all common. I've had all of those myself, exacerbated by the fact that I'm a mental health professional. It's easy for me to self diagnose or self undiagnose. But in the end the evidence of my life is a reminder of what the reality is. It takes time to work through that. For me I finally reached a point where I was tired of the ups and downs and the mistakes or embarrassments. It took me a long time to get there. I'd say I'm happier for it, and my life is more positive and stable now. It can be a real struggle.

The reality is that you've been you the whole time. You've had ups and downs, and maybe it's easy for you to question those and what is "normal" or maybe other people have questioned how sick you are. It's just important to decide what matters to you and what matters to your recovery. A diagnosis is helpful if it informs treatment and helps you on your recovery path. Otherwise it's just a label and no one likes to be put in a box.

Hang in there. It's easy to get jaded and doubt things, but you have enough history of treatment to know what works for you and what doesn't.