Disinhibition during depression

I guess it's because of the depression, but I've been feeling very disinhibited and impulsive lately. It's like I don't care as much as I should about anything, including my own safety. I've been very emotional, irritable, have a short temper. I've been crying a lot, which I rarely do even during depressions.

I've been having the urge to use any means I can think of to stop myself from feeling. Drugs, alcohol, sex, spending, it doesn't matter. Normally I don't even drink or use drugs at all. Luckily that means I don't have ready access. I've mostly stopped myself from doing these things, but sometimes there are situations where things happen too quickly. The other day in traffic this guy was being a jerk, and I was ready to fight him over basically nothing. I didn't even care whether I got hurt or not because I'd rather get the **** kicked out of me than take bs from anyone. Maybe I was even hoping to get beat up, I don't know.

I'm alternating between sadness, despair, feelings of panic, and just the urge to kick the **** out of something or someone. Also extreme self-hatred. I don't really know what to make of it, the nature of the depression keeps changing on me. Some days I don't want to eat at all and other days I eat way too much. Mostly I'm trying to process through music, but it's not enough and the loud music is bad for my ears. Not sure what I'm asking, just had to write this down I guess.

FluffyDinosaur. Though I'm not qualified to know for sure, it does seem what you are experiencing is mighty like a depression with mixed features (aka mixed episode on the depressed side). They can be dangerous, and I absolutely know how painful they can be, with frustration, agitation, desperation, and more. Is there a way you can contact your psychiatrist? It is possible that a minor medication adjustment could help. Even therapy could be quite useful so that you may have help working healthier coping than taking drugs or alcohol.

Of course I don't know exactly what all triggered the feelings you are having, but I know we've all been under a great deal of stress because of this covid 19 pandemic. I imagine if there are other factors added to that, that an episode is very likely. Please do reach out to your healthcare team during this period.

Processing through music is “good”

Thank you, and I agree that it could be a mixed episode. The depression has been going on for a few months and the mixed features kind of come and go. I am in contact with my psychiatrist and I'm getting started on meds after putting it off for a long time. Unfortunately the dosage is not right yet and it will probably be a while before it starts working, if it catches on at all. Right now it's still more an additional source of stress rather than help. And now with covid-19 therapy is difficult, it's all horrible timing. Today was slightly better so I hope it's dying down, but it's too soon to tell. There have been better days before only for it to get worse again after.

Thank you, it's kind of my go-to thing. Sometimes I wonder whether it helps or only amplifies the emotions. I guess it can go either way.

Meds are an additional stress for me.. hugs

I agree with BirdDancer, this sounds fairly mixed episode-ish to me. I do get anger with my "pure" depression, but it is mostly directed at myself, not others. Agitation/irritability, anger at others--those are good signs I am slipping into more of a manic/mixed realm. That's sort of been my course for decades.

I am glad you are getting some meds going. Would it be too forward to inquire as to what those are at the moment? Just curious.

Sending you support!! Hang in there!! This will get better. Don't give up! It may take a little time, but you will feel better.

Thank you, and it does feel like it could be a mixed episode, except that I don't have as much insomnia and racing thoughts as I usually do during mixed episodes. I don't know if that could be due to the meds. Right now I'm only on lithium (but not at a therapeutic dosage yet) and some benzos for anxiety and sleep.

Ah. Well, I have found lithium to be extremely helpful over the years and am still on it 12 years later. I hope it kicks in soon!!!!

Respect to all who are pissed off by all the crap flying around...
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Thanks, I hope so too! And it's good to hear that lithium has been helpful for you.

I thought I was starting to get a grip on this but now it's getting worse again. I'm just going insane with agitation, irritability, and anxiety. When people talk to me I just want to punch them in the face. My hands are shaking all day but I don't know if it's the anxiety or the lithium. And now I'm starting to get really hypersexual as well. Feel like I'm close to doing something stupid. Had to take some sleeping pills last night to sleep. I'm also dissociating a lot. My thoughts just take on a life of their own and I get way inside my head without noticing, then suddenly it's like 2 hours later. I can't cope with this anymore, especially with f2f therapy not being an option. My only hope is that I can see my therapist again soon, otherwise I don't know how long it's going to be before something bad happens.

FluffyDinosaur, I am sorry that you are struggling. I hope you can see your therapist soon!

Sending good thoughts your way!

@Rick7892: Thank you, I hope so as well. If not, my Pdoc is going to medicate me more. I'd rather not, but if there's no other way I guess I'll have to because the current situation is just hell.

Walmart has some very economically priced art and drawing supplies.The box with all sorts of media was only $11. I also saw some drawing pencils for anime, boxes with large containers of pouring paint-not sure what that is, but it sounds fun. I dont know if art lessons offered locally are still available. One lady teaches in her house.
I guess it would be possible to do music with others over FaceTime and conferencing software.
I havent worn a mask yet, but they just set up to limit the number of people in Walmart.
A toddler wanted to pet my dog the other day and my neighbor (his dad) and I were afraid to shake hands to say hello. My dog , a silly fluffy terrier, jumped 4 feet in the air to try to get to the little boy. No such luck, doggy!