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Old 03-24-2020, 07:12 PM   #11
Fuzzybear
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Default Re: Trying To Get Better At Forgiveness

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Old 03-25-2020, 03:24 AM   #12
sarahsweets
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Default Re: Trying To Get Better At Forgiveness

I think it would help if you were able to define for yourself what forgiveness means to you.
Quote:
for·give
/fərˈɡiv/
Learn to pronounce
verb
verb: forgive; 3rd person present: forgives; past tense: forgave; gerund or present participle: forgiving; past participle: forgiven
stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
"I don't think I'll ever forgive David for the way he treated her"
Similar:
pardon
excuse
exonerate
absolve
acquit
let off
grant an amnesty to
amnesty
make allowances for
stop feeling resentful toward
feel no resentment toward
stop feeling malice toward
feel no malice toward
harbor no grudge against
bury the hatchet with
let bygones be bygones
let someone off the hook
go easy on
exculpate
Opposite:
blame
convict
resent
stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake).
"he was not a man who found it easy to forgive and forget"
cancel (a debt).
"he proposed that their debts should be forgiven"
used in polite expressions as a request to excuse or regard indulgently one's foibles, ignorance, or impoliteness.
"you will have to forgive my suspicious mind"
Many people think forgiveness means absolving someone for their bad behavior or for hurting you. Some people think its so that the offender can move on and feel better about themselves after hurting someone. I firmly believe forgiveness is for the forgiver. In fact I think it has little to do with the offender. There are some things that people have done that many would say can never be forgiven. I think it has to do with how much you want to hang on to the hurt. How much you want to suffer. Some of us "need" that suffering for whatever reason. Some of us are not ready to be done hurting or have more work to do in therapy and are not ready for forgiveness. Some people think that in order to forgive you must tell the offender that they are forgiven. I disagree with all of that. I think forgiveness to me means not allowing myself to be consumed with the bad feelings surrounding the event or offender. To me its about taking back control and deciding that what happened was not my fault and for my own peace I will forgive someone. I learned a lot of this through AA. I have forgiven many people and abusers. Some of them have no idea that they have been forgiven by me because its not about them. Its not for them to feel better. Its so I can go on living a productive positive life and not be controlled by the bitterness, anger or shame of what I lived through with someone.
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Old 03-26-2020, 11:57 AM   #13
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Default Re: Trying To Get Better At Forgiveness

Way too much wisdom and insight above to possibly comment on all of it. Thank you so much to all of you for contributing to this thread and for helping me so very much.

I think I realized reading and reflecting on what all of you shared that this really is pretty much all about me. I have a few things from my past that I keep reliving again and again. When I do this, I become hurt and angry again and it is like it is happeneing all over right now, today. Then, I go through this whole song and dance where I feel I must tell these people that what they did to me was wrong and immoral. And damaging. I don't have a desire to exact revenge, that's not what it is. But I do have a strong need, when I am reliving all this, to inform people that I know what they did and that it hurt and that it was immoral and wrong. And I have never done that, in any of these situations. I just slunked off to my corner. I think a big part of my discomfort comes from the idea that I "let them get away with it" and did nto stand up for myself.

So, yeah, the idea of forgiving these people when they will never acknowledge what they did, much less apologize or be held accountable, is, I think, causing me pain. Don't really know how to do that.

But, as my incredibly wise father has said to me at least 20 katrillion times from, like, the age of three onward, "Nobody ever said life was fair, cyclist."

Truer words were never spoken. Maybe that's where I should be looking. Acceptance. Other people are going to do what they are going to do. They will be exactly and perfectly who they are, good, bad, or indifferent. I don't have to "attach", as the Buddhists like to say, to any of that. I can just observe it and be amused at the wackiness of this life.

I do find the term "amnesty" appealing, for some reason. Maybe I should just officially pardon all these people and move on...

Thanks again, all of you!!!
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Old 03-26-2020, 12:59 PM   #14
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Default Re: Trying To Get Better At Forgiveness

Quote:
Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
Way too much wisdom and insight above to possibly comment on all of it. Thank you so much to all of you for contributing to this thread and for helping me so very much.

I think I realized reading and reflecting on what all of you shared that this really is pretty much all about me. I have a few things from my past that I keep reliving again and again. When I do this, I become hurt and angry again and it is like it is happeneing all over right now, today. Then, I go through this whole song and dance where I feel I must tell these people that what they did to me was wrong and immoral. And damaging. I don't have a desire to exact revenge, that's not what it is. But I do have a strong need, when I am reliving all this, to inform people that I know what they did and that it hurt and that it was immoral and wrong. And I have never done that, in any of these situations. I just slunked off to my corner. I think a big part of my discomfort comes from the idea that I "let them get away with it" and did nto stand up for myself.

So, yeah, the idea of forgiving these people when they will never acknowledge what they did, much less apologize or be held accountable, is, I think, causing me pain. Don't really know how to do that.

But, as my incredibly wise father has said to me at least 20 katrillion times from, like, the age of three onward, "Nobody ever said life was fair, cyclist."

Truer words were never spoken. Maybe that's where I should be looking. Acceptance. Other people are going to do what they are going to do. They will be exactly and perfectly who they are, good, bad, or indifferent. I don't have to "attach", as the Buddhists like to say, to any of that. I can just observe it and be amused at the wackiness of this life.

I do find the term "amnesty" appealing, for some reason. Maybe I should just officially pardon all these people and move on...

Thanks again, all of you!!!
Good stuff You're thinking on it and moving in a forward direction. That can create momentum and lead to change.

I've contemplated something I picked up in my esoteric studies when it comes to forgiveness. Some say that at the soul to soul level we are already perfected, but we are seeking expansion along certain lines for various reasons. Through psychic or other means some have acquired a belief structure that says we basically enter into soul contracts to teach each other things and help each other evolve. What on this level feels like a violation and lack of awareness is actually perhaps an evolved soul assisting us in learning something we wanted to know better on a 3D level.

So maybe we need to learn how to stand up for ourselves and a loved one agrees to take advantage of us over and over. They need to learn how not to take from others so we agree to show them what happens when they abuse.

I have no proof things actually work that way, but it is a common theme I've come across. Thinking along those lines has helped me let go of the need to show someone else their lesson and focus more on mine because it is entirely possible they are more of an expert in the subject than I am and have simply elected to incarnate and forget what they know quite well on a higher level as a loving sacrifice for my growth. Some say this is how soul families interact with each other.

My mom and I discussed this theory the other day. I offered it as an explanation as one of the ways I was able to find forgiveness for her. She thought it was interesting and said she could see it being true in our family. She talked about how she could see patterns from her own childhood playing out in expanded form in our family. She gave examples of how the same patterns are going on now with her grandchildren and my siblings and how she's able to play a new role as a grandmother because she has the perspective she picked up from her roles as a child, sibling, and parent.

Your dad is wise. I would offer though that fair doesn't mean equal. Value depends entirely upon the perspective you choose to adopt and what you're willing to take from each experience.
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