Trying To Get Better At Forgiveness

Hey, gang. I suck at forgiveness. Apparently, part of getting better at forgiveness involves not saying that I suck at forgiveness. Oh well, progress, not perfection. I guess.

I was wondering if anyone had thoughts or suggestions they might share about how they try to practice forgiveness. Many thanks!!!

I saw this little article that seemed kind of helpful, so I am linking it in case anyone wants to read it: Eight steps to achieving forgiveness - Positive News - Positive News

this is something that I need to get better at too

honestly I can not count the times that someone has done something to me (often really minor), but they have payed with the loss of our friendship

9 times out of 10, their's nothing wrong with the person. I just was angry at what they did

Generally speaking, I don't struggle with forgiveness. I read something a while back that said, "First forgive. Then understanding will come." For whatever reason, that made sense to me.

Good article! Thanks for sharing it, bpcyclist.

I would call myself a pretty good "forgiver". Not just of others' transgressions, but of my own, as well. I try to remind myself that I am very far from being perfect, and wish for forgiveness from others, so I must be understanding and forgive, as well. The Golden Rule.

Holding grudges and being angry at others (or even situations) is painful for me, so I try not to let the anger linger too long. That doesn't mean one shouldn't be allowed to feel the anger at all. I think we all need and deserve the opportunity to stew about things for a bit or express (release) such anger. If we don't, it's "stuffing anger", and "stuffing anger and resentment" can be even more painful. I often call that "a fist rolling around in the stomach". However, there does come a time when we have to "let it go". I know that sometimes I've literally had to let things go permanently (such as a friendship), but many cases one can just come to a truce of sorts, and "Let bygones be bygones". Either way, it should be a relief. Provide freedom! That's kind to everyone/thing involved.

I like in the article how it emphasized to put offenses in proper perspective. Of course little stuff feels like big stuff, sometimes, but we need to challenge possible distortions. A great tool for doing that is a Cognitive (or Dysfunctional) Thought Record. It's a great CBT tool. Or even if we just create a comparative "How horrible was that?" scale alongside a "pros and cons" list. Very often, over time, the rating will go down and the offense will look a bit different.

I am a true believer that no one (or even almost no thing) is all bad. I believe that offenses of others (and ourselves) generally stem from personal struggles or pain, or having been misled.

I try to eventually look at even the harshest situations as yielding some positive. I forgive my bipolar disorder. Yes, it's not a good thing at all, and it has caused me intense pain, but I have grown in many significant ways, as a result of it. Of course that is mostly because I've allowed that growth. That's a gesture of forgiveness to myself.

I forgave some who never asked for forgiveness. I had given them more credit as a person who cared for me than they were. I now look at them for what I know they are. I don’t harbor a grudge, but I don’t have any love for them anymore. It’s just neutral should I need to deal with them.

To get forgiveness you have to show genuine remorse and a commitment to change behavior. Forgiving people who don't own the harm they cause is like letting them off the hook to harm someone else. Repentance and forgiveness go together. I would never refuse forgiveness to someone who sincerely asked for it. I would never forgive someone who was likely to repeat the harm to someone else because I didn't insist on their change.

Having said that, some slights are just not worth holding on to. If someone cuts me in line or a driver is rude...let it go. When real harm has been done, I want a genuine expression of true remorse.

I found it discouraging to read about how "if you've betrayed your personal standards in some way" it might lead to self-punishing behaviors, self-loathing, oversleeping, overeating, smoking. Because i betray my personal standards at least once a year when i'm manic and have for 35 years and can dread a future where i do so many more times. I guess i'm just supposed to say, So i'm imperfect. I have a hard time with that. I also have a hard time forgiving my parents because they didn't think they did anything wrong. How do you forgive someone who didn't show remorse?

What a wonderful thing to work on. A wisdom teacher I respect said we are often most guilty of what we judge in others. I look for the things I am most judgmental of, find a parallel for it in my own behavior, and then work to understand the root of it and forgive myself for it so I can consciously change the pattern of behavior.

My therapist said forgiveness occurs when you no longer seek retribution. I'll have forgiveness nailed when I stop making foolish choices that harm me or my success. I self sabotage in little ways all the time. Sometimes in big ways. When I learn to love and forgive myself appropriately, it should work itself out with others. This is a subtle thing as I do not typically hold grudges, but I judge even when I'm not realizing it.

Be kind to yourself throughout this process. Change is as painful as we make it.

I struggle with this too. And sometimes I'll say I'm not angry anymore when I am actually still angry. But it's only hurting me, not the other person. I don't think forgiveness necessarily means letting that person back into your life. In some cases, it is better to end the relationship. But it's about not dwelling on the wrongs they did to you.

My mother made some pretty unforgivable decisions years ago. It took me a long time to forgive her. I kept holding on to the fact she made no attempt to recognize how incredibly poor and painful her choices were. She showed no remorse.

I finally realized holding onto the pain was holding me back. I kept expecting a specific outcome and I was at a standstill for years. In reality this was all my fault. I gave her my power. I gave away my control of my own life. My happiness is not dependent on her. I can build a fulfilling life without her apologizing. I moved on and mentally and emotionally wished her well.

It has been over 15 years since the events that led to my pain. She and I reconnected about a year ago. She apologized for how she treated me this past weekend. She explained why she did what she did. It didn't fix anything because I did the work to be whole without her apology. I think it helped her though, and I offered her a gracious response. It's funny how we get what we think we need when we no longer need it...

Of course, I have no insight into what happened in your case. Forgiveness is different for everyone and however you approach it is ok.

I find it beautiful that the word 'imperfect' is also 'im perfect'. We are whole just as we are

I think it would help if you were able to define for yourself what forgiveness means to you.

Quote:

for·give /fərˈɡiv/ Learn to pronounce verb verb: forgive; 3rd person present: forgives; past tense: forgave; gerund or present participle: forgiving; past participle: forgiven stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. "I don't think I'll ever forgive David for the way he treated her" Similar: pardon excuse exonerate absolve acquit let off grant an amnesty to amnesty make allowances for stop feeling resentful toward feel no resentment toward stop feeling malice toward feel no malice toward harbor no grudge against bury the hatchet with let bygones be bygones let someone off the hook go easy on exculpate Opposite: blame convict resent stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake). "he was not a man who found it easy to forgive and forget" cancel (a debt). "he proposed that their debts should be forgiven" used in polite expressions as a request to excuse or regard indulgently one's foibles, ignorance, or impoliteness. "you will have to forgive my suspicious mind"

Many people think forgiveness means absolving someone for their bad behavior or for hurting you. Some people think its so that the offender can move on and feel better about themselves after hurting someone. I firmly believe forgiveness is for the forgiver. In fact I think it has little to do with the offender. There are some things that people have done that many would say can never be forgiven. I think it has to do with how much you want to hang on to the hurt. How much you want to suffer. Some of us "need" that suffering for whatever reason. Some of us are not ready to be done hurting or have more work to do in therapy and are not ready for forgiveness. Some people think that in order to forgive you must tell the offender that they are forgiven. I disagree with all of that. I think forgiveness to me means not allowing myself to be consumed with the bad feelings surrounding the event or offender. To me its about taking back control and deciding that what happened was not my fault and for my own peace I will forgive someone. I learned a lot of this through AA. I have forgiven many people and abusers. Some of them have no idea that they have been forgiven by me because its not about them. Its not for them to feel better. Its so I can go on living a productive positive life and not be controlled by the bitterness, anger or shame of what I lived through with someone.

Way too much wisdom and insight above to possibly comment on all of it. Thank you so much to all of you for contributing to this thread and for helping me so very much.

I think I realized reading and reflecting on what all of you shared that this really is pretty much all about me. I have a few things from my past that I keep reliving again and again. When I do this, I become hurt and angry again and it is like it is happeneing all over right now, today. Then, I go through this whole song and dance where I feel I must tell these people that what they did to me was wrong and immoral. And damaging. I don't have a desire to exact revenge, that's not what it is. But I do have a strong need, when I am reliving all this, to inform people that I know what they did and that it hurt and that it was immoral and wrong. And I have never done that, in any of these situations. I just slunked off to my corner. I think a big part of my discomfort comes from the idea that I "let them get away with it" and did nto stand up for myself.

So, yeah, the idea of forgiving these people when they will never acknowledge what they did, much less apologize or be held accountable, is, I think, causing me pain. Don't really know how to do that.

But, as my incredibly wise father has said to me at least 20 katrillion times from, like, the age of three onward, "Nobody ever said life was fair, cyclist."

Truer words were never spoken. Maybe that's where I should be looking. Acceptance. Other people are going to do what they are going to do. They will be exactly and perfectly who they are, good, bad, or indifferent. I don't have to "attach", as the Buddhists like to say, to any of that. I can just observe it and be amused at the wackiness of this life.

I do find the term "amnesty" appealing, for some reason. Maybe I should just officially pardon all these people and move on...

Thanks again, all of you!!!

Good stuff You're thinking on it and moving in a forward direction. That can create momentum and lead to change.

I've contemplated something I picked up in my esoteric studies when it comes to forgiveness. Some say that at the soul to soul level we are already perfected, but we are seeking expansion along certain lines for various reasons. Through psychic or other means some have acquired a belief structure that says we basically enter into soul contracts to teach each other things and help each other evolve. What on this level feels like a violation and lack of awareness is actually perhaps an evolved soul assisting us in learning something we wanted to know better on a 3D level.

So maybe we need to learn how to stand up for ourselves and a loved one agrees to take advantage of us over and over. They need to learn how not to take from others so we agree to show them what happens when they abuse.

I have no proof things actually work that way, but it is a common theme I've come across. Thinking along those lines has helped me let go of the need to show someone else their lesson and focus more on mine because it is entirely possible they are more of an expert in the subject than I am and have simply elected to incarnate and forget what they know quite well on a higher level as a loving sacrifice for my growth. Some say this is how soul families interact with each other.

My mom and I discussed this theory the other day. I offered it as an explanation as one of the ways I was able to find forgiveness for her. She thought it was interesting and said she could see it being true in our family. She talked about how she could see patterns from her own childhood playing out in expanded form in our family. She gave examples of how the same patterns are going on now with her grandchildren and my siblings and how she's able to play a new role as a grandmother because she has the perspective she picked up from her roles as a child, sibling, and parent.

Your dad is wise. I would offer though that fair doesn't mean equal. Value depends entirely upon the perspective you choose to adopt and what you're willing to take from each experience.

I am revisiting this thread, thanks for making this thread