Just Made Brownies--I Feel Better!

Thank you, spikes.

So I think it is great you are aware of how unlikely it all is. I know you experienced it in truth previously, but it seems like your mind is playing it out over and over. Either that, or you are the world's most interesting man and various groups are willing to throw millions of dollars at watching you for no good reason.

I asked about symbolism because, at least for me, when I was psychotic it appeared my subconscious mind was creating my experience even though I was awake. My biggest fears were magnified and translated into personifications of themselves or archetypes. I was awake and in extreme fear and it felt 100% real, but it was highly symbolic of some trauma I had experienced. I only realized that pattern after analyzing what occured through a symbolism based dream analysis perspective.

Now, when I have a delusion I look for meaning in it and try to determine the root cause of it. I welcome it and look for what I'm meant to see the way people do in dream analysis. That has been helping me to process some of the heavier fears that weigh me down. So far, I have been able to stop the process when it begins before it spirals out of control. I don't know that will always be the case, but if I can head a subset of this off at the pass it is completely worth the effort. Conscious awareness that my subconscious is placing dream like thoughts into my waking reality has helped a lot.

You were traumatized to the extreme. There's no denying that, but I am eternally hopeful the state you have been in does not have to be the norm forever. Different systems work for different people and I hope you find a way to greater peace in the future.

I have been smelling brownies ever since you have started this thread!

Hey, I have a couple of friends who also live a vegan lifestyle. We were talking about comfort foods since everyone seems stressed and I'd mentioned the group thread here. It suddenly came to me that you also live vegan...I think?

Would Ghiradelli have a vegan mix?
They are hoping so.

Thanks so much!

I'm not sure about the vegan status of the mix itself, but you can substitute aquafaba for the eggs. I've never tried it, but I've heard about it for years. It the juice from a can of chickpeas. Apparently it works well as a binder. You can even whip it like egg whites.

Aquafaba, the Most Magical Egg Replacement (and How to Use It) | Kitchn

Oh! Wow! Great idea! Thanks!

They are new to the vegan lifestyle, so will appreciate the tip , I am sure!
thanks!

Wow, fern--that is some extremely high-level stuff you are pulling off for yourself. Totally out of my league. Fantastic!!


I know zero about dreams or dream analysis. But I am going to read about it this afternoon, because what you write resonates. Consciously, the wide-awake and alert me? I can honestly say, I am afraid of only two things: something bad happening to my kids and my own brain. I have no fear of any other human(s) or any other life outcome, because I have been to the bottom of the pit and I have danced with the monster.


I am not boasting here, but, the path that I have been set upon has resulted in me knowing that, even if the worst possible thing happens to me, I will make it through that--assuming I choose to do so. I am very, very strong, at the end of the day. No idea why or how. But I am.


My subconscious, however, could certainly be an entirely different matter. This could explain a lot about me. So, I am off to read about dream analysis.

Thanks a million, fern!!!!!

I wouldn't have mentioned it if I felt it was out of your league

I too was in a similar place consciously speaking. I had a pretty strong resolve and felt like I could weather any storm. Oddly enough, my greatest fears are the same as yours. I was fighting hard for kids and to keep them safe and I had a fear of losing my mind the way my mother had. At any rate, my 'dark night of the soul' came.

It turns out I suffered some trauma from when I was a child that I repressed. If I had to guess, it caused me to dissociate. Memories of that trauma began to surface before I got sick. They helped to explain why I was so afraid of my kids being hurt.

When I went psychotic, it was just like being in a dream. I didn't analytically think anything through. I just acted instantly like you do in a dream. Seemingly unrelated things all blurred together one after another. At first, it seemed like pure chaos and I repressed a lot of it. Only my husband really had the full picture of what happened and of course he could not see inside my brain.

I started digging into psychoanalysis and the theories Jung had about the subconscious and how it works and holds the memories that we have dissociated from. It is the home of our deepest fears personified and he speaks at length about the possibility for psychosis if the subconscious takes over and we begin to identify with its personas. It is like a dam that eventually just breaks and floods your mind if you repress too much.

I knew the subconscious mind is in the driver's seat when you dream and I remembered telling my therapist several times my episode felt like I was trapped in a nightmare I couldn't break out of.

Several more memories from my episode came back to me and it hit me. My subconscious mind was in control during my episode. Somehow the balance went haywire and that's why I could only remember bits and pieces. My conscious and subconscious were in one epic battle.

So then I reviewed the parts I could remember, but in the same way you would if you were trying to understand a dream. Here are a few interesting parallels I made.

I stood in my hallway for a long time and slammed hand onto the light switch and each time the light came on I yelled 'do you hear me now?'. I would then turn it off and whisper 'I don't think they hear you'. From a consciousness perspetive the light represents the conscious mind and the dark is the subconscious. I think perhaps my subconscious wanted me to finally see what was hidden. It was so adamant I did this until my hand bled. It didn't think conscious me was getting it so it stepped up to the next level.

At one point I thought my husband, who I felt was evil during my episode even though he's the best dad, stole my child. I busted down a huge section of wall to get to and free my child. Subconsciously we all have an inner child. Mine had been abused. Symbolically, I think I was projecting the role of my abuser onto my husband and the role of damaged me onto my real life child. I was basically trying to save myself.

There are tons of other examples, but that might give you an idea. So now, when those similar feelings come up I consciously tell myself that it is ok that I feel that way. I remind myself that those memories do not have to hide anymore. I no longer dissociate from it and welcome those pieces home. I acknowledge the fear and match it with unconditional love. I also try to hold compassion for those who hurt me because we are all connected. I've found a small sense of peace this way. I'm still working with it.

They may have a vegan option, there certainly are some.

I am about 95% vegan. Maybe a bit more than that. The only thing I use that is out of bounds is occasional eggs, most often for baking. If I could solve that, I would be 100%.

Welp, I've read this post three times. I do relate to what you describe about repression. I do not know if I have dissociated. Possibly.

Going to have to consider how all this applies to my situation. Dreams, as I say, are not an issue for me. But maybe this subconscious world is exacerbating the psychosis business. Maybe that's my dream. Certainly could be. It would be so nice if that got better.

Meeting it with love, huh? That seems like a challenge. Love for myself for surviving all that abuse? I can see that, I guess. When invalidation has been constant and unrelenting, it is a bit hard to get there, since I tend to adopt the psychic detritus of the invalidation. But I can work on this...

I have some homework. Thanks a million, fern!!!!

When everything happened to me I hadn't dreamt in years. I dream regularly now. Its like my episode sorta reset things.

Yes love. Not the passionate kind or the kind that you have when you prefer something, but the unconditional kind that accepts all things. I didn't want to see this 'dirty' part of myself that was broken so much that I held it in for over 30 years. I treated it like I hated it.

When I met that part of myself with love, I also offered the love of a mother. I am a mother now and I know what it means to love and protect a child. I'm safe now and I needed the hidden parts of me to know they weren't wrong or ugly and that coming back together was safe.

When we suffer trauma at the hands of others we are made to feel weak and broken and like we lack what they 'take' from us. Validation for yourself and loving the incredibly strong survivor self that you are paired with the scared victim you were feels to me at least like we're talking the same language. You see quite well My psychiatrist thought my approach was fascinating. On the one hand he was fearful I'd go too far too fast. On the other he said he could see these same themes in countless patients he sees.

Nobody told me this is the way. Its just a strategy I organically came up with. Kinda like physics and balancing out two forces. Fear is pushing so hard in one direction and it is your mind and heart gnerating it. You mind and heart maybe need to at first accept the blow, navigate to the root of it, see it for what it is (bring it to light or consciousness) and validate it. Then you can infuse it with a force that brings things back to balance.

The light and the dark are equally as valuable and powerful. I think some psychologists have this part confused when they say the subconscious is inferior. Facing it is equally as hard as any conscious effort I've made if not harder.

I'd be very interested to see what turns up for you on your journey. Follow your intuition. If it resonates, go with it. If it feels wrong, drop it. If it scares you, you're probably right on target. Go at your own pace. There is no wrong way except for maybe standing still forever.

Eta: I like this song for our discussion.
the tantrums don't ever let em - Google Search

I shall endeavor to work on it...

Very interesting approach, fern--as usual. Thanks again!!

Hugs!!

bpcyclist, my friend, do you know what this thread made me do? It made me make brownies! I'm not sure if I feel better or not. My house smells good. Anyway, I found a recipe that calls for olive oil instead of butter. We'll see how they've turned out. I've been trying to cut down on saturated fat in order to maybe lower my cholesterol. I'm more concerned about my cholesterol than my weight.

AHAA!!!!! Good for you! Or sorry! Whichever works better in this situation...

That is so funny that you mention the olive oil. I have been trying to increase my use of it (and reduce butter, which I mainly only use in baking) and so I substituted about 2/3 of the total oil (I usually just use canola) with extra virgin olive oil to see what happened. Very curious how that turned out for you. Mine were darn good and I could not tell about the olive oil. I could, however, note the relative absence of that unique canola oil odor/taste and I actually preferred its absence to the actual recipe.

That's interesting what you wrote about canola oil having a unique taste/smell. I never noticed that.

My brownies turned out great and fudgy with the extra virgin olive oil. Perhaps if I had had regular or light olive oil that would have been a better choice (cheaper and less fragrant), but I only have extra virgin. I don't mind that faint taste in them at all. I love olives! I think my brownies could still be good with slightly less oil.

I am thinking of making chocolate chip cookies. Anyone have a good recipe for this? I am relying more on "I cannot believe it is butter!" than olive oil. For every tablespoon, the margarine has allot less calories, but still tastes good. I think they use real butter as part of their ingredients. Sometimes I use both at the same time.

Hi Tucson. I don't often make chocolate chip cookies, but make many other types. I assume your "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" is one appropriate for baking and frying, as opposed to one only suitable for spreading. There is a difference that would truly affect the end result. Even so, if your "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" is in a spread form vs. a stick, there is surely more water content in it. That would affect the texture of the cookie. My strong guess is that using a spread vs. a stick margarine would result in wafer flat hard cookies rather than chewier ones. Maybe I'd be wrong. You can try it.

I know that the chocolate part of chocolate chip cookies is often the main appeal, but the brown sugar, vanilla extract, and butter aspect is also crucial, giving it that delicious raw dough many like. My advice is to use dark brown sugar instead of light brown sugar, if there is a choice. You would surely want the extra molasses flavor (that is more present in dark brown sugar) to shine more since you would not have the benefit of the natural delicious flavor of real butter that margarine usually lacks. If you like nuts, the flavor of some walnuts, especially, may also help. Plus, they add some more fat (healthy fat) and would help the appeal if the cookie baked flatter. If the margarine also has a higher water content, perhaps a wee bit of extra flour might be needed to get the dough the right stickiness. I'd also be sure to use size large or even extra large eggs, no smaller. Eggs are a form of leavening. Or another strategy may be to add 1/8 tsp or less more of the baking powder/soda. It's possible that the cookies may be a little "cakier" than usual vs. chewy.

If you take any of the above advice, please forgive me if your cookies don't work out.

The fat in the butter really helps the cookies from a texture perspective. I like the classic Toll House recipe. It always comes out great. It makes a lot, but you can put the dough on a cookie sheet and freeze the balls and then bag them and store them in the freezer for months. Enjoy your cookies!

Tucson, I think fern has a good idea about the freezing/chilling. I know that with many cookies, refrigerating (at least) the dough helps prevent cookies from spreading too much. You might consider putting the cookie dough on the cookie sheets (in ready to bake shape) then refrigerating the dough for 15 mins before putting in the oven. Usually chocolate chip cookie dough is not refrigerated, but I can't see that it would hurt at all. If you look at the ingredient list for the tubes of refrigerated cookie dough you can buy, there is no butter included. Only shortening. NESTLE(R) TOLL HOUSE(R) Refrigerated Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, NESTLE(R) TOLL HOUSE(R)